The emotions were high on last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, which saw Teresa and her brother face yet another obstacle in their attempt to rebuild their friendship. The shocking developments came fast and furious, leading up to the most gasp-inducing moment of all: Milania dropping her nasty little ass on a bunch of salads in a supermarket. As if that weren’t bad enough, Teresa then gave her a high-five for good behavior. If this is what passes for “Fabulicious,” consider my Amazon purchase cancelled.
When Teresa wasn’t ignoring her Devil spawn daughter, she was busy pouring herself into furry coats that looked like rejects from a Fraggle Rock convention. Garish getups are nothing new for Teresa though, and she happily strutted around in one fuchsia number as if she’d just been named to the cover of Vogue by Anna Wintour herself.
Anyway, Teresa had another book signing, and this time, she actually invited her little brother Joey to come. He happily accepted the invitation, but no sooner had he said yes than Joe Giuidice was texting him all sorts of obnoxious, threatening things. I believe there was talk about beating up Joe Gorga so bad he’d need his jaw wired shut. Yes, classy all around — and even classier was a later glimpse at Joe Guidice’s phone, which has Joe Gorga’s contact listed simply as “Faggot.” Not only is this obviously offensive, it’s also a massively hideous way to treat his wife’s brother.
Understandably, Joe Gorga was so put off by his brother-in-law’s texts that he contemplated skipping the signing altogether, but Melissa encouraged him to be the bigger person and attend anyway. And that’s just what he did… albeit in a very late fashion. Apparently the Gorga family lacks an appreciation for time management.
Nevertheless, Melissa and Joe showed up at the very, very end of Teresa’s signing, but Teresa was still touched, and as she wrote “I love you more than anything in this world” in his copy of Skinny Italian, I actually found it to be quite emotional watching her choke up. For the first time all season, I actually empathized with Teresa when she expressed sadness that Joe didn’t just give her a big, warm hug.
Ah, but there was a reason for the lack of hug. Joe was still pissed about his brother-in-law, rightfully so. He demanded that Teresa tell Juicy Joe to stop threatening him, and rather than do the right thing, Teresa blindly defended her husband, saying that he was merely upset because Joe and Melissa had never attended any other signings. This caused Melissa to repeat her favorite line of the night: “See, if you invite us, we COME!” It was such a nagging, passive-aggressive comment that it made me want to shove that stupid hat of hers over her head. Look, I really like Melissa, but she does have this tendency to passive-aggressively needle others. Bitch, you gotta stop with that so I can defend you!
Anyway, Teresa returned home after the signing to find Joe totally drunk and making a fool of himself. He caused Gia to cry when he attempted a gymnastics move and accidentally bashed his head into the floor, chipping a tooth in the process. This marked the second time on Sunday that a mook from New Jersey had managed to knock himself out (the first being The Situation on Jersey Shore earlier in the evening).
Eventually Joe settled down at the table and began ranting about his brother-in-law, clarifying that he didn’t want to offend “faggots” but that Joe Gorga was a “faggot.” Not offensive at all! He also rambled angrily about how Joe Gorga had jealousy issues stemming from his short stature and claimed that all along, it was lil’ Gorga who had caused the rift with Teresa (thanks in part to his “fake wife”). It was a total, awful, sloppy mess, and I really did feel bad for the Gorga siblings who have been pit against each other by not just their parents, but their spouses. Oy.
Elsewhere on the show, the Manzo boys began working at Uncle Chris’s new company, titled New Star. It’s a company that does… stuff? I’m not sure what they’re doing, but apparently they’re now going to be hawking a black-colored water called BLK. I dunno. Doesn’t really make sense, but I sense better business prospects than FACE by Lauren Manzo.
Meanwhile, Kathy celebrated her husband Rich’s birthday by inviting a bunch of people out for bellydancing and hookah fun. Our favorite supporting character Rosie made a triumphant return to catcall at the dancers and toss dollar bills their way. Fingers crossed that Rosie gets to go to Punta Cana.
Enough babbling though. On to the photocap:
“Okay, I gotta a great idea. Let’s do a coffee table book about turds that look like famous world leaders.”
“Damn, Alexa Ray Joel will be so impressed with this.”
“Hey, look at this goomba, ayy? I haven’t been so excited to see people since the time those helicopters rescued me off Jurassic Park.”
“I dedicate this toast to my lovely wife Kathy as well as the good scientists who died at the jaws of the Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
“I need to smoke the hookah to calm me. I still have nightmares of velociraptors charging after me.”
“ALEXA RAY JOEL IS COMING????? Oh. You were joking. Not cool.”
“I don’t like this hookah. And why is everyone staring at me? I’M ON DISPLAY ON DISPLAY!!!”
“Wow. I feel so dizzy and lightheaded. I can barely form a thought. This must be how Ashley feels every day.”
“This is the strangest thermometer I’ve ever used.”
“TAKE OFF YOUR TOPS!!!”
“Hey Dad, there’s a velociraptor!!! Just kidding.”
“Geez, you nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“If you dare make another joke about that angel Alexa Ray Joel, I will pull your spine out of your body.”
“Please be honest with me: is my hair not as square today?”
“Check out my coat. I call it the Furry Jellyfish.”
“I may be a housewife, but I’m also a government assassin.”
“Well, I’m off to Los Angeles. I already got a modeling gig at the Del Taco on Rosemead!”
“FEED ME.”
“Mommy, can I have a pre-made salad before my exorcism?”
“We want to sell black water. We think it’ll be very marketable. I mean, who has bad associations with BLACK WATER. It’s not like it makes you think of IRAQ or FALLUJEH or something like that.”
“Black water, you say? I can sell black water. And I know the perfect spokeswoman for it. Her name rhymes with Shmalexa Shmay Shmoel.”
“I’d like everyone to know that I skinned Grimace from McDonalds to make this coat.”
“You really are something else, Teresa. I outta take one of these giant stuffed bananas behind me and jam it down your throat.”
“Dear Joey, I wrote this as small as possible. Love, your ONLY sister.”
“Hurry up, Teresa. I need to go rob a bodega.”
“You said Joe’s been threatening you? So?”
“He said he wants to kill me.”
“He loves you. He’s just playing.”
“He called me a ‘faggot.'”
“C’mon. Joe loves the gay people. IT’S THOSE JEWS he can’t stand.”
“I’d like to interrupt to nag for a moment.”
“Okay, so nag.”
“Just want to point out that when you invite us to come, WE COME.”
“Great.”
“Okay, I gotta go drive a gettaway van for some thugs down in Lodi. Bye, sis.”
Juicy Joe: “Hey check it out. This is how I drive a car.”
“So… did anyone else just get shagged in the back room of POSCHE?”
“I’m so drunk I just chipped my tooth. Haha. LET’S GO DRIVE CARS.”
“And then the car FLIPPED just like this. It was crazy. Luckily I was too drunk to remember how scary it was. I mean, I got drunk afterwards. Yeah… yeah… I would never drive drunk. I don’t make stupid decisions like that when I’m drinking. Hey, where’s my tooth?”
“Hey, why didn’t I get no invites to the GLAAD awards this year?”
What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Joe Giudice’s behavior? Who is more of a toxic presence: Melissa or Juicy Joe?
Oh, My, God! Every time you post one of these I laugh until I have tears rolling down my face. You have outdone yourself this time. Juicy Joe, “this is how I drive cars!” made me wish I had Depends! Too, too funny.
Thanks so much! Oh, my ribs still hurt.
ABSOLUTELY outdone yourself with this one!
Shmalexa Shmay Shmoel.”
etc etc.. I’m still cracking up
I have made no secret about how much I love your recaps but please, please, don’t compare Richie to my beloved Jeff Goldblum!
I hate when people use the word faggot! It’s so offensive. Joe Giudice is a total ass. Teresa is crazy for defending him. I also cannot stand when Teresa says “my husband” all the time instead of just saying Joe. Especially when he is sitting right there.
I’ve noticed its not just Theresa, but Melissa, and both Joes too. They always say “my wife” “my sister” “my brother” ect, they never use their names. It’s as if they see each other as possessions, not as people.
It’s because it’s the only way to keep track of all the Joes!!
I anxiously await Teresa explaining (again) about how Joe “loves gay people/ has gay friends” on the Reunion.
Wow. You are really fired up tonight. Great recap.
So spot on! I love how you get down to the nitty gritty of who these people really are. I almost lost my shit when Milania fell into the pre made salads at the grocery store, only to have her mom high five her excellent behavior. Fingers crossed they perform that exorcism at the reunion with Andy Cohen in the role of Father Merrin.
I think any trip involving Milania that ends without property damage or injury must be a huge success in Teresa’s head.
The Power of Christ Compels You Milania!
Missed the episode (thanks a lot IRENE!) but loved the Jurassic Park/Goldblum quotes. Next time can Independence Day get some love??
I stand by my previous statements that I am terrified of Milania. I must see this scene with the salads. Although I do think she would be useful in bringing down tyrants and other psychopaths, she would make, like, Hitler run for the hills.
The way Joe Guidice treats his children/women, and speaks of others is disgusting. He is uneducated and gross. How was he at one point able to “afford” (I use that word loosely but still) that ridiculous lifestyle, when I have a Master’s degree and can barely pay my credit card bill on time?!
Joe Guidice is a stand-up guy and an exemplary role model. Salud.
I dont even watch the show, but those recaps were hilarious. XD
Why did Teresa pick the grocery store, while her kids were acting up, to call her brother? Does the phone not work at home or in the car?
I cracked up when she complimented the child for her behavior. Hahahahaha
Don’t you think the mooks of the world will be offended being compared to that idiot Joe?
He really is a piece of work. How can he think his drinking and acting like an ass is a good image for tv.
And since when do you need an invite to go to a book signing? I’m sure Kathy wasn’t invited, yet she showed up. Points to her.
Those aren’t stuffed bananas! Those are Bananagrams!
You ask who is more toxic Melissa or Juicy Joe. I am going with Melissa, she is more subtle about it I am thinking….Juicy Joe can just be written of as a complete asshole so you know to expect assholic behavior.
I could watch Tre’s kids all day!
Great recaps B-Side!
You know, I think i’m going to do a post about who is most toxic. Thanks for the idea, jl
Love Melissa, one of the HW’s who can actually sing,, and it seems as if she has a great marriage, I love them. T acted very emotional, (or maybe she has just become a better reality tv actress) i don’t know, but i believed it was heartfelt.
Her husband, on the other hand, was a total ass. I cannot imagine scaring any of my children that much that they would be crying hysterically. (whoops i have done that, but not to THAT extent and not intentionally). At least i have never thrown a little dog against the wall (kalia!) or made the ratings drop on a top ten show, by ten percent, by voting America’s Sweetheart’s BF out of the game. So, on a scale, which is more heinous:
1. Hyprocritical lying (shelley)Voting out Jeff/conning Jordan/making Jordan cry
2.Joe Giudice (gymnastic homophobic tooth chipping guy)
3. Casey Anthony—nothing else needs to be said
4. Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono on DWTS
5. Big Sexy, starting right now on TLC, kind of excited about this show
I just saw that there is public outcry over having Chaz on DWTS. Probably because it is on ABC and they are supposed to be more “family-oriented”… People really need to get back to work and start earning a living so that they can stop obsessing over stupid shit like this.
Is there no way to post pictures here? Imbringingbloggingback has a great photo of Kathy blowing smoke out of her nose like a dragon.
http://www.imbringingbloggingback.com/
I saw that…..
How many of you would share a mouthpiece with that crew?
Melissa is more toxic because, as it was said, she is passive aggressive. She is like a cat shitting in a litter box- yes it’s discreet but it is still shit. She stirs quite the pot in my opinion. Joe is just an ass (Juicy, not brother). I was really on his side until all of that stupid texting came about- I mean really, are they 12 year old boys?? I would never stand for my husband to treat my brother that way, nor would my brother ever treat my husband like that. They need a group counseling session or something because these issues clearly are rooted deep and raccoon Melissa is standing there fanning the flames.
Juicy joe is an ass and I’m liking melissa. she has common sense and i think caroline is beginning to see how toxic theresa is also. cracked me up how tre told milania that mommy cooked simple foods every nite at dinner for the family…. (yeah, spaghetti-o’s with meatballs).
I got the impression that when Joe gorga told tre to write something heartfelt in his book, the look on her face was total fear at having to come up with a sincere, heartfelt, coherent, and complete sentence. she looked like a deer in headlights. tre is so jealous of melissa that she is willing to throw her brother under the bus.
I, too, could watch the guidice’s kids all night long.
This is not a comment on the quality of the post.
I simply offer that I observe a subtle but noticeable change in writing style in this post from previous posts I have read. I wonder if bsideblog is being haunted by ghost writers? I understand that bside may not have time to keep up with this blog and additional writers are welcomed. But please under their own names. I am already afraid of the dark.
I’ve never noticed that
this is a crazy notion.
no way…it’s totally bside
I thought that after Joe mentioned the threatening txts by Juicy joe, he should have shown Teresa the actual texts. then she couldn’t deny them later and try to spin it.
Is anyone else worried about Gia and the middle child who is so well behaved? I want to take them both out of that house. We should probably take the cute baby too before she turns into Milania.
I seriously feel bad for Gia. She has been crying almost every episode over this bullshit family drama. Not good.
So you’re saying that Milania is the one who should stay with Teresa and Joe? Isn’t that exactly what has messed her up so far?
No, I”m saying it’s too late for Milania..she needs an exorcist…. but there is still hope for the little one.
But I do feel badly for every one of them.
And can’t imagine when they are all teenagers! I’d watch that show 24/7