After a joyfully delirious season featuring some of the funniest moments of the franchise, The Real Housewives of Atlanta ended on a positively boring note this past Sunday. Not only did Bravo criminally draw out this final episode into ninety unnecessary minutes, but everything focused on arguably the most boring couple on the show: Peter and Cynthia. Now don’t get me wrong: I actually like Cynthia and find her stories to be somewhat more interesting than everyone else does, but that being said, the woman just cannot anchor a ninety minute season finale. Total snoozeville.
Even worse was this contrived drama about whether she would or wouldn’t leave her man at the alter. Spoiler alert: there were already spoiler alerts that they done got married last summer. No suspense here. Furthermore, while I did find Cynthia’s crumbling financial situation in the face of her extravagant wedding to be fascinating, I didn’t for one moment think it wasn’t going to happen. I mean, when you’ve got a dinosaur skeleton ready to serve as your hupa, you’re not canceling that shit.
Sure enough, the show must go one, and thus the wedding creaked to inevitable life, but not without a million accidents along the way. First — the wedding bands were MIA. That seemed a bit strange. I understood that money was tight, but seriously, get some cheap ones from a vending machine. High-low class — it’s not like we haven’t seen any of that from Atlanta already.
Of course, most egregious for the women was the noticeable lack of flowers. This seemed to be on par with having a slaughtered goat up there at Peter’s feet. The ladies were NOT impressed.
Aside from the missing flowers and rings, everything else seemed to be relatively smooth sailing. Cynthia’s gay bestie — a plump little fella who reminded me of the hedgehog from Toy Story 3 — spent much of the ceremony morosely introducing people while guests clapped politely and tried to feign interest. At the end of the day, however, this was a boooooring wedding. Not even the producers could spice things up with some trifling intrigue about a missing marriage license. We were to believe that Cynthia’s mother and sister were seriously contemplating hiding the thing in order to stop the wedding, but this seemed so contrived that I was almost annoyed that we were subjected to it.
Speaking of falsities, Kim Zolciak inflated her chest even more this week, supposedly to impress all her fans. Again the woman acts like she has hoards of people descending on her like she has the last working brain in a zombie apocalypse (a scary and ironic notion, admittedly). When Kim wasn’t puttering around in her post-op state, she was getting a lecture from Kandi, who wasn’t about to let Kim take the money and run for “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing,” much as she did for “Tardy for the Party.” Kim tried to play dumb about everything, but amusingly my mother, who has never seen the show and knows little about it, watched the scene and immediately announced that “This blonde is a liar.” Then again, even the zombies in the aforementioned zombie apocalypse analogy could tell Kim’s a liar. Heck, if there’s any brain zombies are afraid of, it’s Kim’s. You know they’re like “Shit, should I eat this? I know it’s brains and all, but… these seem kind of gross.”
Of course, just because Kim’s got a chest the size of two tires doesn’t mean she’s not classy. The woman has become something of an oenophile, and as such, she brought her own bottle of wine to Cynthia’s wedding (and paid a waiter to look after it for her). That’s right — Kim wasn’t going to drink the cheap shit. She was going high quality. So if you see a bottle of Barefoot Chardonnay going around, LAY OFF. It’s KIM’S.
As for Nene, she still wasn’t talking to Kim. She just barely talked to Greg. She talked a little more with Bryce. And she talked even more with Duh-wight, who was antsy to make amends with his former bestie. Nene smiled and hugged the skeleton man, but I don’t seem to remember her saying their fight was all water under the bridge. Poor Dwight: he crossed the star of the show. Amateur gay-sidekick mistake (see Cedric from Beverly Hills).
Elsewhere in Atlanta, Sherayay continued pursuing her dreams of being an actress by attending a chaotic audition for something called “If These Hips Could Talk.” Or maybe it was “These Hips Don’t Lie.” Or maybe “If These Hips Could Talk, They Would Lie.” Wait, am I quoting Shakira?
Nevertheless, Sherayay had to share a scene with some random dude, and rather than let her awful self bumble through the audition, the casting directors went berserk and ordered ShereÃ© around like she was a little girl. One woman got so mad at her that I thought she might flip her table. Lady, if you don’t like Sherayay’s performance, just smile and usher her out the door. Methinks the producers were just miffed because Bravo ordered them to hire Sherayay. How else to explain her landing the part at the end of the episode, despite the disastrous audition.
Lastly we had Phaedra, who’s been more likable than usual the past few episodes. For the first time ever, she showed some actual emotion over her child by shedding a tear or two on her first day back to work. You mean to say that Phaedra actually likes Ayden? A revelation indeed! But alas, mommy had to leave her child — those strippers won’t represent themselves…
And now the photocap:
Kim: “Hi LOOOOVE!!!!”
Phaedra: “Kim, that’s just a bowl of shrimp cocktail.”
“Time to leave my son for the first time, and wouldn’t you know it? I got Visine in my eye!”
Sherayay: “Excuse me, I am TRYING to begin my quest for an Oscar.”
“But I’m in this scene with you.”
“The only people in this scene are me and my gift.”
“Your gift isn’t a person.”
“Yes, she is. Her name is Gift by Giftayay.”
“This wedding is a disaster. The only thing worse would be if my sister and mother pretended to lose the marriage license in the most contrived way.”
This is the moment when my dad literally woke up and asked “WHAT IS THAT NOISE?” When I told him it was just Kim on TV, he muttered, “I thought it was a teapot.” He then went back to sleep.
Kim: “Oh my gaah. I can’t wait for everyone to see who I’m dating.”
Kroy: “I don’t think anyone cares.”
“Of course they do. Hey LOOOOOOVE!!! Look who I’m dating!”
“That’s just the waiter.”
“Whatever. He has our wine.
“BAM! I am already so bored; I don’t know what the viewers at home must think.”
“Hi everyone! Y’all like my oversized trash bag?”
Peter: “Good God. I’m marrying a bag of Jiffy Pop.”
“Nene, I just want to say that I miss you.”
“BAM! You look like a dehydrated cobra!”
Phaedra: “Y’all know that I’m about to pull Apollo into the bushes and give him some oral, mmmkay? HAAAY!!!”
“Ooh, that sounds like Scandal by Scandalayay!”
“I am soooo wasted right now.”
Kim: “Hey y’all! I got my titties bigger! It’s for all my fans! Granted, they’re all gay, but hey, maybe they’ll think it’s an ass they can stick it in!”
Sherayay: “Looks like you had a procedure by my medical facility: Ass-chest by Ass-chestayay.”
What did you think about the season finale?