After a joyfully delirious season featuring some of the funniest moments of the franchise, The Real Housewives of Atlanta ended on a positively boring note this past Sunday. Not only did Bravo criminally draw out this final episode into ninety unnecessary minutes, but everything focused on arguably the most boring couple on the show: Peter and Cynthia. Now don’t get me wrong: I actually like Cynthia and find her stories to be somewhat more interesting than everyone else does, but that being said, the woman just cannot anchor a ninety minute season finale. Total snoozeville.
Even worse was this contrived drama about whether she would or wouldn’t leave her man at the alter. Spoiler alert: there were already spoiler alerts that they done got married last summer. No suspense here. Furthermore, while I did find Cynthia’s crumbling financial situation in the face of her extravagant wedding to be fascinating, I didn’t for one moment think it wasn’t going to happen. I mean, when you’ve got a dinosaur skeleton ready to serve as your hupa, you’re not canceling that shit.
Sure enough, the show must go one, and thus the wedding creaked to inevitable life, but not without a million accidents along the way. First — the wedding bands were MIA. That seemed a bit strange. I understood that money was tight, but seriously, get some cheap ones from a vending machine. High-low class — it’s not like we haven’t seen any of that from Atlanta already.
Of course, most egregious for the women was the noticeable lack of flowers. This seemed to be on par with having a slaughtered goat up there at Peter’s feet. The ladies were NOT impressed.
Aside from the missing flowers and rings, everything else seemed to be relatively smooth sailing. Cynthia’s gay bestie — a plump little fella who reminded me of the hedgehog from Toy Story 3 — spent much of the ceremony morosely introducing people while guests clapped politely and tried to feign interest. At the end of the day, however, this was a boooooring wedding. Not even the producers could spice things up with some trifling intrigue about a missing marriage license. We were to believe that Cynthia’s mother and sister were seriously contemplating hiding the thing in order to stop the wedding, but this seemed so contrived that I was almost annoyed that we were subjected to it.
Speaking of falsities, Kim Zolciak inflated her chest even more this week, supposedly to impress all her fans. Again the woman acts like she has hoards of people descending on her like she has the last working brain in a zombie apocalypse (a scary and ironic notion, admittedly). When Kim wasn’t puttering around in her post-op state, she was getting a lecture from Kandi, who wasn’t about to let Kim take the money and run for “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing,” much as she did for “Tardy for the Party.” Kim tried to play dumb about everything, but amusingly my mother, who has never seen the show and knows little about it, watched the scene and immediately announced that “This blonde is a liar.” Then again, even the zombies in the aforementioned zombie apocalypse analogy could tell Kim’s a liar. Heck, if there’s any brain zombies are afraid of, it’s Kim’s. You know they’re like “Shit, should I eat this? I know it’s brains and all, but… these seem kind of gross.”
Of course, just because Kim’s got a chest the size of two tires doesn’t mean she’s not classy. The woman has become something of an oenophile, and as such, she brought her own bottle of wine to Cynthia’s wedding (and paid a waiter to look after it for her). That’s right — Kim wasn’t going to drink the cheap shit. She was going high quality. So if you see a bottle of Barefoot Chardonnay going around, LAY OFF. It’s KIM’S.
As for Nene, she still wasn’t talking to Kim. She just barely talked to Greg. She talked a little more with Bryce. And she talked even more with Duh-wight, who was antsy to make amends with his former bestie. Nene smiled and hugged the skeleton man, but I don’t seem to remember her saying their fight was all water under the bridge. Poor Dwight: he crossed the star of the show. Amateur gay-sidekick mistake (see Cedric from Beverly Hills).
Elsewhere in Atlanta, Sherayay continued pursuing her dreams of being an actress by attending a chaotic audition for something called “If These Hips Could Talk.” Or maybe it was “These Hips Don’t Lie.” Or maybe “If These Hips Could Talk, They Would Lie.” Wait, am I quoting Shakira?
Nevertheless, Sherayay had to share a scene with some random dude, and rather than let her awful self bumble through the audition, the casting directors went berserk and ordered Shereé around like she was a little girl. One woman got so mad at her that I thought she might flip her table. Lady, if you don’t like Sherayay’s performance, just smile and usher her out the door. Methinks the producers were just miffed because Bravo ordered them to hire Sherayay. How else to explain her landing the part at the end of the episode, despite the disastrous audition.
Lastly we had Phaedra, who’s been more likable than usual the past few episodes. For the first time ever, she showed some actual emotion over her child by shedding a tear or two on her first day back to work. You mean to say that Phaedra actually likes Ayden? A revelation indeed! But alas, mommy had to leave her child — those strippers won’t represent themselves…
And now the photocap:
Kim: “Hi LOOOOVE!!!!”
Phaedra: “Kim, that’s just a bowl of shrimp cocktail.”
“Time to leave my son for the first time, and wouldn’t you know it? I got Visine in my eye!”
Sherayay: “Excuse me, I am TRYING to begin my quest for an Oscar.”
“But I’m in this scene with you.”
“The only people in this scene are me and my gift.”
“Your gift isn’t a person.”
“Yes, she is. Her name is Gift by Giftayay.”
“This wedding is a disaster. The only thing worse would be if my sister and mother pretended to lose the marriage license in the most contrived way.”
This is the moment when my dad literally woke up and asked “WHAT IS THAT NOISE?” When I told him it was just Kim on TV, he muttered, “I thought it was a teapot.” He then went back to sleep.
Kim: “Oh my gaah. I can’t wait for everyone to see who I’m dating.”
Kroy: “I don’t think anyone cares.”
“Of course they do. Hey LOOOOOOVE!!! Look who I’m dating!”
“That’s just the waiter.”
“Whatever. He has our wine.
“BAM! I am already so bored; I don’t know what the viewers at home must think.”
“Hi everyone! Y’all like my oversized trash bag?”
Peter: “Good God. I’m marrying a bag of Jiffy Pop.”
“Nene, I just want to say that I miss you.”
“BAM! You look like a dehydrated cobra!”
Phaedra: “Y’all know that I’m about to pull Apollo into the bushes and give him some oral, mmmkay? HAAAY!!!”
“Ooh, that sounds like Scandal by Scandalayay!”
“I am soooo wasted right now.”
Kim: “Hey y’all! I got my titties bigger! It’s for all my fans! Granted, they’re all gay, but hey, maybe they’ll think it’s an ass they can stick it in!”
Sherayay: “Looks like you had a procedure by my medical facility: Ass-chest by Ass-chestayay.”
What did you think about the season finale?
I am so over Kim. After a whole season of her always drinking, smoking, acting like she doesn’t care, yelling, and whatever other obnoxious ways she tries to show off. Such a turn off.
What the hell was that interaction between Nene and Dwight in the end? She was so flattered and had the most school girl-type reaction. I found it bizarre, to say the least. It’s like she’s been deprived of affection and was eating up all the attention from Dwight. Yuck.
Peter Thomas has quickly gone up the list of worst husbands in the franchise. He seems so arrogant.
More Phaedra next season, please! She’s one of my top 5 Housewives now. “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future…so let the church say AMEN!” Brilliant!!!!!!
I have to agree about more Phaedra! I actually started to like her!
That Kroy is a hot slice!
More Phaedra!
Atlanta is the one of the only RH franchises that can substain multiple spin offs. I would watch the Phaedra and the Apollo show. Nene trying to make it on her own. A Bachelorette style show with Kim as the prize. And anything involving Sheree.
Also…didn’t it seem that Cynthia was having a makeup applied over a span of 10 hours? It was an epic application.
I couldn’t believe Kim making such a stink about that wine then dumping ice into it! And what about Cynthia’s “stylist” eating that plate of food and then yelling up the stairs with it half chewed in his mouth and dripping down his shirt?
So funny about your father being woken up by Kim. He thought it was a Tea Pot!
Barefoot Pinot Grigio is my favorite…
Did anyone notice that Sherayray parked in a handicapped spot at her audition? I really don’t understand these people.
Also, I really feel bad for Kroy. I don’t think he realized what a gold digger Kim was when he met her. He seems like an innocent guy from Montana in the big city for the first time, and now he’s screwed. Without Big Poppa, she needed a cash cow, and as soon as she heard he played for the Falcons, she had to be seeing dollar signs…
I can’t feel bad for him, all he had to do was watch one episode of this show and he would have been able to figure it out – unless he’s a moron.
maybe they’ll think it’s an ass they can stick it in!â€
Sherayay: “Looks like you had a procedure by my medical facility: Ass-chest by Ass-chestayay.â€
HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kim is a train wreck… and Peter is abusive and obnoxious…. I recently read an interview with him where he stated the wife should give the husband whatever he needs to succeed.. it’s all the same money…. uggh
Cynthia and Peter, how a man acts is how he will always act, gonna be a bumpy ride for Cynthia I too am LOVING Phaedra, she is such a southern lady, and her comments are quiet and funny.
Kim I’m done with her, Kroy and her I don’t think it will last, he is 24 yrs old, it was awkward on WWHL with those 2, I can’t see him putting up with her BS, he ain’t no Big Poppa, ohh now watch they break up Kim has the baby and we find out that its really Big Poppas baby!!!!
By the end of the season, all these women were unlikable to me.
The wedding dress was horrid, and Cynthia didn’t see it until that day? Wtf?
Phaedra would have to do a hell of a lot more to redeem herself in my eyes. She is obnoxious.
Ditto May.
hb
I agree, too. The Atlanta show seems somewhat contrived now. I’m just not digging it anymore. Also, the majority of this cast are unbearable. I don’t think I care enough to tune in anymore…
Please direct me to the wedding band vending machines.
I am still in shock that Cynthia had no reaction to Peter not buying the wedding bands. What fucking prick. How many more warnings and red flags does Cynthia need to finally figure out that she needs to get out of that relationship?
The way that Kim is handling the whole pregnancy thing. Rushing to buy house and move in with Kroy. Proves yet again that she is less mature than the girls that appear on Teen Mom. Also I can not stand Kroy’s name. It makes me want to punch his parents in the face. I agree that Kim is just looking at him as her next sugar poppa. I seriously doubt that he has nearly as much money as Big Poppa. Kim almost makes believe in the devil because someone that horrible could have only come from hell.
Love Kim, Kandi, and Phaedra. Shereeyay is up there too. Don’t know what show you’all been watching…
How long will Cynthia stay married…. I will say one year. There’s some great HWs stuff here: http://www.stoopidhousewives.com
I think I want to start watching these shows with your parents doing running commentary – that would be fantastic!
There wasn’t a lot of Sheree this season, but I found her likeable during the times she was featured. I’ve disliked her in the past.
I have moments of loving then hating NeNe. She seems to be very full of herself. I don’t know where her confidence comes from but she has it in spades.
Love Kandi. Love her smile and her voice. She seems very normal except for the excessive sex talk.
Love Cynthia but the whole marriage thing was a downer. She looked so tired and sad and unready to marry him. And Peter appears rather shady.
Kim? Oh dear. I cannot tolerate her. Whenever she pops up on the screen, I groan. She’s like a bad cartoon character.
I have loved Phaedra from the start. She hooked me in with her “white people wisdom” such as white people feed their kids lots of canned foods, and white people don’t discipline their kids properly. I was in hysterics and almost fell out of the bed. (I also learned from NeNe, I think, that white people are always in flip flops). The Sip and See killed me. She’s proper and naughty all at the same time. LOVE HER.
On the Fox Sports website, it says that Kroy has been in the league 3 years, and made $392,280 this season. I don’t have a clue what kind of money Big Poppa made, but I’m guessing Kim can burn through what money he has after taxes in a day or two… Poor guy!
I,too, love Kandi. I don’t see her be unfair or weird like some of the other women. Sheree is my least favorite. Someone here wondered where Nene gets her confidence from…well ditto for Sheree. Who told her she could act? Or had any talent to speak of for that matter? She comes off very above-it-all and she plain sucks.
Peter is a real jerk. From what I saw of him on the show, I am a little worried for Cynthia. He seems to have a short fuse. If she ever gets some courage and stands up to him it could get real ugly real fast.
I am just wondering, But if you had to close your last business cause it wasn’t making any money, and your better half had to put in her “life savings” to help your stupid ass out, how in the hell can he start up another business? I thought that it was said that Peter didn’t have the rings, not didn’t buy the rings? Hubby and I didn’t have rings when we first got married. We went to the courthouse, and wanted to wait to exchange rings at our family ceremony.
Oh another question, maybe 2 🙂 is it a pre-req that you be Divorced and have wonky tits to be on this show?
I liked Kandi, she seems the most “real” out of all these ladies.
Phae, she scored a few points with me when she actually showed some emotion when it was time to go back to work, and leave baby at home with a friend. I am suprised that she didn’t call in Mamma R to watch him. But she seemed really genuine….
NeNe-I want to kick her in her box!
Cynthia- I don’t know about her! I just don’t know….I thought it was really crappy of her sister to try and hide the marraige license from her. But then again if I thought my sister was making a mistake, I would out right tell her that to her face! Wonder what Cyn is going to have to say about that at the reunion.
Sherayay- eh, she is so full of herself!
I feel like I am forgetting someone!