JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Down In The Dumps

After the craziness of last week’s Jersey Shore, this latest episode was tame in comparison. Nothing really happened, and what did happen involved people crying in self-pity. I swear the entire episode could have been scored with a wallowing violin. In some ways I enjoyed all the teary madness, mainly because the producers clearly were chuckling to themselves the entire time. When Ronnie stepped into the bathroom at work so he could cry, we didn’t hear dramatic “sad” music. No, we heard mocking silly music — the closest equivalent to Survivor’s “bongos of idiocy.” It all underscored a very important point: Jersey Shore never has and never will take itself seriously, and that’s why its appeal has remained so strong. Funny how when this show first premiered, I decried the sloppy editing and production values. Now I see its brilliance. Funny how things change. (Either that or I’ve simply been dumbed down).

The episode started with Sammi retreating to her mom’s cozy house where she cried over everything that had just gone down with Ronnie. I know this was supposed to be a touching mother/daughter moment, but honestly I kept focusing on how comfy her couch looked. Plus, I love upside-down homes, and I was really fascinated to see the rest of this pad. We’ve now seen J-WOWW and Sammi’s homes, and both were surprisingly cute. How does this happen?

What was truly most interesting about this little scene was that for the first time, Sammi used the A-word — as in “abusive.” As annoying as her bitchy face is, I’m glad she recognized that Ronnie was being abusive to her because that’s exactly what he was.

I’m not sure he sees it that way though. Ronnie just thinks he fucked up — had some misstep in his otherwise stellar personality. Sorry, bro, but you’re an abuser. Everyone knows it, including the girls who could barely look him in the eye when he poked his head in their room in search of sympathy. I only wish one of them had called him out on it.

Instead, Ronnie sneered at the girls behind their backs, mocking their sudden “Girl Code.” He did have a point: three days ago, the girls were at each other’s throats, but given that they’d squashed their beef and given that the only real problem was Sammi, I think they were entitled to their girl code, especially in the face of abusive, misogynist, and violent behavior. I’m no psychotherapist, but it seems like the classic abusive personality always views situations in a self-centered way, and the fact that Ronnie interprets the girls’ anger towards him as a personal affront and not a rational reaction to his behavior once again lends credence to the theory that he’s a total abuser. Also supporting his theory: HIS VIOLENCE TOWARDS WOMEN.

So what else do we know about abusers? Well, they like to be possessive. And when they break their toys, they cry. And that’s what Ronnie did all episode. He cried. He bemoaned his loss. He announced he’d fucked up. It was a big learning experience for him (except that it wasn’t because on the Jersey Shore after show last week, when asked about his explosive reaction to Sammi, he continued to blame her for it all). When Ronnie wasn’t moping about, he was then showering Sammi with gifts from afar: specifically, umpteen roses with teddy bears and hearts and probably a side of spaghetti. Yes, Ronnie, way to be the abuser cliché. And sadly, knowing Sammi, she’ll probably smile and think he’s learned his lesson and go back to him.

Of course, all these shenanigans makes me wonder if Ronnie loved Sammi so much, why did he treat her so badly? Granted, she’s a psycho bitch, but nonetheless, he yelled in her face, he demanded to break up, he destroyed her stuff. What did he expect would happen? Again, this all fuels the theory of Ronnie seeming Sammi as a mere possession, not as a lover. And oh my God, am I really trying to analyze these two idiots? They’re both awful, and they’ll both wind up together; so why even bother?

Meanwhile, Ronnie wasn’t the only one shedding tears. A massively constipated Deena got super drunk, and for once her booziness didn’t translate into an unceasing desire to dry hump The Situation. Poor Deena got sensitive, blubbering on the boardwalk that “Nobody gets me!” I felt bad laughing at her sorry ass because Deena has proven to be absolutely lovable, but I tell you, it was hilarious. As Mike said, she was a Sloppopotamus. The girl was in a self-pity spiral, and while I did feel bad for her, I kind of wished she would cry like that every week. So much more entertaining than what Angelina would do when she was drunk: yell, curse, and leave dirty Maxi-pads around.

Amazingly, Deena got a pep talk from sadsack Ronnie, wherein he used his patented line: “LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME.” He did indeed raise her spirits by oddly saying that Deena was the kid sister they all never wanted (um, isn’t that a BAD thing?), and while what he did was generous, I couldn’t help feeling like he just wanted to talk about his sorry situation again. After all, he did bring the conversation over in that direction by saying, “Hey you’re getting a pep talk from me, and I’m even lower than you!” So suddenly this was a self-pity pissing match?

Well, Deena did feel better and as a result told him that the girls had taken all of Sammi’s belongings and moved them into their room. This, by the way, was a bone of contention throughout the episode. You see, in an effort to make Ronnie feel better, the girls decided to collect all of Sammie’s (broken) stuff while he was out getting his hair did. It was actually a collective effort by all the roommates — the guys got Ronnie out of the house, the girls cleaned up the junk. I don’t know why the girls couldn’t do this with Ronnie present, but whatever.

Anyway, when Ronnie came home, he was dumbfounded. Had the girls meddled? Or had Sammi returned? Well, turns out that a bag had been left behind, and if Sammi had returned for her stuff, she wouldn’t have left THAT. Ronnie then concluded that the girls were up to no good. Hey Ronnie, here’s an idea: use your meathead eyes and look in their bedroom.

Amusingly, J-WOWW and Deena denied doing anything, which was ridiculous because who else could have moved that crap? Little guido gnomes from the boardwalk? Even more amusing, however, was Ronnie complaining to us that the girls should mind their own business, but again, I’m not sure how having a violent roommate isn’t their business? And their reasoning, which was to make sure Sammi wouldn’t have to go back to that room should she come back, was very logical.

Meanwhile, for someone who thinks everyone should mind their own business, Ronnie certainly had no problems blabbing about Said Business That Should Be Not Minded With. At the club, he proclaimed to Snooki that he was going to win Sammi back because he gets what he wants (charming!). Snooki didn’t buy it though. She told him that he had fucked up and that Sammi had a right to be hurt. In one ear and out the other though…

As for the rest of the gang, it was the usual shenanigans. There was an amusing prank war involving Snooki’s “Crocadilly,” a clogged toilet impasse (that didn’t seem to get fixed, despite Vinny’s valiant efforts), and some major cockblocking — first by The Sitch on Pauly’s ex, then by The Sitch on Vinny’s girl, and then by all the guys on Snooki’s boy, who had in turn cockblocked Vinny a few weeks ago by busting in with Vinny’s girl’s uncle. If you’re confused, don’t worry about it — not worth the brain power.

Here is the photocap:

“Mom, he embarrassed MMMMEH! He embarrassed MMMMEH!”
“I know sweetie.”
“I love the dick though.”
“Shhh… shh… Why don’t I call Aunt Carol, and we’ll–“
“Aunt Carol? Are you friends with hhah?”
“What?”
“ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HHAH?”
“She’s my sister.”
“ARE YOU. FRIENDS. WITH. HHAH???“
“Yes.”
“I’m leaving. You just embarrassed mmmmmmeh!”

Situation: “You know, Bro, it’s better to live life standing up than on your knees.”
[sniff sniff]
“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
[sniff sniff]
“The grass is always greener.”
[sniff sniff]
“Don’t count your eggs before they hatch.”
[sniff sniff]
“No use crying over spilt milk.”
“DID SOMEONE SPILL MY MUSCLE MILK? I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!! I’LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!!!!”
“Whoa, bro. It was just an expression.”
“I fucked up. I wanna leave.”
“That’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

“Finally, sweet freedom!”

Crocadilly: “NOooooooOOOOOooooOOO!!!!”

Snooki: “Crocadilly’s gonna put it in me tonight!”
“Please, Vinny, save me again!”

Vinny: “I don’t know guys. I’ve been trying for a while, and I still can’t seem to get any reception in this toilet.”

“Skid marks are heeeeyah!”

Ronnie: “I will win back Sammi, even if I have to BEAT THE LOVE BACK INTO HER.”
Snooki: “You’re a putz.”

“Hey sweetheart. You like this move? I call it The Rape.”

“Yooou guyyyyssss? Why’d they have to close McDonalds so early???”

Ronnie: “Look at me. Look at me. We want you to stay. Look at me.”
“Okay, I’ll stay.”
“Look at me. Look at me. Let’s make burgers.”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
“Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Go grab some CATCHIP.”
“You mean ketchup?”
“Look at me. Look at me. Yeah. I want some CATCHIP.”
“Okay, I’ll get it.”
[sniff sniff]
“Why you crying, Ron?”
“I love CATCHIP so much. [sniff sniff]”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Ronnie? Will he leave? And should Sammie return?