AMERICAN IDOL 2.0: Yea or Neigh?

After months of anticipation, the new-look American Idol premiered last night, and the results were… eh? Gone were Simon Cowell, Ellen Degeneres, and Kara DioGuardi. In their stead were Aerosmith’s legendary frontman Steven Tyler and Marc Anthony’s legendary rear woman Jennifer Lopez. The big question was how would these two new celebrity judges fare in the Idol spotlight, and could they possibly fill Simon’s shoes? The answer to the latter question is, in short, no.

Here’s the problem: while J-Lo and S-Ty are perfectly proficient as judges, they lack both the critical eye of Simon and his unpredictable nature. Watching the Cowell-free auditions made me realize how important his voice is to the process. Let’s face it: we lived to hear whether or not Simon would approve of a singer. Sometimes he’d ding a seemingly sure-thing supplicant; other times, a wry rictus of approval would extend across his face at the most unexpected times. It was all about earning Simon’s fickle permission to move forward, and yes, while he was oft overruled by the rest of the panel, it was that spark of dissent that kept things interesting.

Sadly, Steven, Jennifer, and Randy offered little by way of excitement. Steven (it’s weird to just call him Steven, isn’t it?) kept things interesting with some bizarro expressions and borderline Tourrets squeals and hoots, and J-Lo looked pretty amazing in every shot (save for the flashbacks to her press-conference cameltoe onesie); but aside from that, the new panel had little to offer. It was pretty much the same thing over and over again: Steven would say something crazy, J-Lo would profess either love or an inability to be mean, and Randy would just chuckle. This would then be followed by a contestant leaving the room and J-Lo saying “Gosh, I don’t know how you did this for ten years!” There was no suspense in any audition and certainly no intrigue. Plus, they went on forevvvvvvvvvver. Simon was always the king of cutting people off and shutting them down. Panel 2.0, however, happily let many atrocious singers croon on and on. This wasn’t entertaining. Just tedious.

As for the singers themselves, they seemed to be pretty good. I can’t remember too many of them: there was that girl from season six. She was good. There was the guy who used to be wheelchair-bound and now can walk (and has a big shnozz). He was good too. There was the singing waitress. She was aiight. There was the girl whose dad had throat cancer. She was okay. There was the girl with stars on her tits and pants stolen from Paralegals ‘R’ Us. She was not so hot at first but then turned out to have a good voice. Plus, she was interesting (which is more than I can say for a lot of the other Golden Ticket receivers). And then there was the guy at the end who had a twin and lived in a shelter. He was actually my favorite. A little angel that one (then again, the last person I said that about turned out to be such a wreck that I shudder to think of his name, which, conveniently, I have forgotten).

But then we also had that little chipmunk of a girl from Georgia, who not only had an annoying smile plastered on her face, but she made these horrific video diaries of her journey. Sure, she can sing, but oh my goodness I want to tie her to the inside of a cathedral bell and ring that motherfucker for ten hours straight. She is AWFUL, and if she makes it to the semifinals, I may have to use my new vacuum cleaner (Electrolux Ergorapido Ultra!) to SUCK MY BRAINS OUT. Or at least my eardrums. Then again, she could be a fantastic “villain.”

Hate.

I suppose I’ll keep watching because I’m pathetic like that. But I won’t be happy about it!

What did you think of the new Idol? Yea or Neigh? And did anyone notice how the new credits/logo make it seem like the show is called IDOL AMERICAN IDOL? Dumb.