Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But I suppose trite sayings like that don’t matter much when you’re stuck on a beach in Central America for twenty-eight days with no food or shelter and you weight about twenty-five pounds. That’s the lesson I’ve learned watching the latest episode of Survivor: Nicaragua, which featured two — count ’em, two — castaways quitting, despite being mere days away from the finish line. And if you thought that was the most frustrating thing about last Wednesday, you’d be wrong. It was only the start.

Yes, this season’s most outspoken and most silent cast members both decided to throw in the towel after conditions at camp became too brutal for them to manage. NaOnka and Purple Kelly just could not last a day longer, much to the chagrin of their fellow tribe members who needed the girls as valuable allies in Tribal Council. Watching Purple Kelly flame out was no big surprise. The girl had spent the entire season lurking in the background so effectively, I thought she was a perky fern half the time. Her whole strategy was to basically do whatever Brenda and Sash told her to do, and when Brenda was sent packing and Purple Kelly was left out in the dark, she felt alone, isolated, and hopeless. And thus her mental game broke down. She no longer had the will to continue, which was truly terrible for us as she’d been such a vibrant, integral member of the cast.

Or not. Truth is we spent all season wondering who the hell Purple Kelly was, why she was purple, and what she was ever going to do to distinguish herself. I think the answer to the last question came when she offered up the best quote of the season, saying that she had been sucking it up for days on end and that now “There’s nothing left to suck!”

NaOnka, meanwhile, has been a crazy bundle of nerves all season, but despite a low point during a particularly brutal rain storm, she never seemed like a quitter. Ah, but she was. She explained to us that the frigid temperature rattled her to her bones, particularly since she suffers from anemia. With the tribe’s tarp in disrepair, they had little shelter from the freezing rain that had pelted them through the beginning of the episode, and so NaOnka finally cried Uncle and opted to back out of the game.

Ah, but it wasn’t as simple as that. NaOnka and Purple Kelly both addressed their intentions to Jeff after a particularly rigorous reward challenge, but our favorite surly host wasn’t having it. He told the women to think it over and then come back at Tribal Council to make their final decision. Seemed like a decent enough plan. But then things got really dicey when Jeff told the winning team that if one person sacrificed the reward, then the whole tribe would have a new tarp and enough rice to last them the rest of the game. Considering that NaOnka was on the victorious team and considering that she’d most likely be chowing down at “Ponderosa” that night, it seemed logical that she’d forgo the reward as a gesture of kindness to everyone else. But no. The selfish bitch wanted a hot dog, and thus it was Holly, who hadn’t won a reward yet (I believe), who sacrificed her warm meal for the greater good of the camp. It was one of the most deplorable moments in Survivor history, and while I could respect on some warped level that NaOnka wanted to enjoy the spoils of her labor (and it certainly looked like a laborious challenge), in the end, she really should have let Holly have a damn hot dog.

This rampant selfishness mixed with shortsighted myopia continued at Tribal Council, where the existing jurors — Alina, Marty, and Brenda (three of the biggest schemers of the season) — shook their heads with frustration. Alina was even driven to tears knowing she was sent home by two twits that didn’t even care to be there. In the end, despite pressure from Jeff to stay, the girls just couldn’t stomach another minute. They both quit, and Jeff angrily sent them off into the night with a deservedly pissy “You want to go? GO.”

Probably not the most exciting episode of all time, but certainly a memorable one.

“Fabio, I think I’m going to quit.”
“Really? Wait, who ARE you?”

“Don’t stop me people. I’m gonna eat Jeff Probst!”

“I really hope Kelly and NaOnka don’t quit. I like having girls around for me to HAVE SEX WITH because that’s what straight guys, LIKE ME, do all the time. Number one bachelor of New York, haaaaay!!!”

NaOnka: “Jeff, I’m going to quit. I don’t care how many Mom stares Holly gives me.”
Holly: “Oh I’ll give them all day.”

“See that? A wwwwwhole lotta Mom Face.”

“I can Mom Face like it’s my job.”

“Knock knock.”
NaOnka: “Who’s there?”
“Mom Face.”

“Mom Face.”

“I’m going to quit too!”
Jane: “Girl, I oughta slit your neck and feed you to the seagulls.”

“It’s like I’m not even PURPLE anymore. I’m just a washed-out shade of lavender. THE SHAME!!!”

“Here’s the thing: I didn’t know we were playing for a million dollars. I just thought we were at a really rigorous fat camp.”

“Jack Black is the best.”
“You wanna make out?”

“I like lying down.”

“Oh God. Marty just farted. I’m going to barf.”

“No, Jeff, I will NOT brush the hair out of my face.”

“By the way, I buried the new tarp under a tree. SEE YA!”

Jeff: “It’s too bad, Kelly. You would have left an indelible impression on the season.”

Dunh dunh DUNH!!!!

What did you think about the episode?

12 replies on “SURVIVOR PHOTOCAP: Nothing Left To Suck”

  1. Mom Face- Funny!

    I’m disappointed they were asked to be on the jury. I think if they quit, they should have to forgo the jury.

      1. I agree ladies. They should have gone straight home. However, I read on Probst’s blog that a precedent was set in an earlier season where a quitter was still allowed to be on the jury and that’s why NaOnka and Kelly were as well. I don’t agree though bc I think that they can change the rules to make it be how they want it, so I’m thinking that they probably want Na and her big mouth on the jury to stir things up.

  2. And I wanted them to have a vote in addition to the quits–let’s get this season OVER already!

    (Ya know, NaOnka is just the most recent in a string of reprehensible teachers who’ve been on these shows; where is the morality? The honor? The obligation to their students? Even just their awareness of impression and impact? Seriously, given that I’m a teacher, these asses are KILLING me.)

    1. I was thinking the same thing. I’m also a teacher and I CANNOT believe the way she acts. Granted, I’m sure we all have “useless” teachers in our schools, but she’s a piece of work. How can she be a good role model for students? There’s noooo way! I hope she loses her job when she returns because she should not be teaching. She teaches phys ed as well–a subject that a lot of young girls are very uncomfortable taking, and you have to teach about health and self esteem–could you imagine it coming from her? After she’s made comments about wanting to throw Kelly’s prosthetic leg into the fire and such…brutal!! I’m glad she quit though….I’m tired of listening to her!

  3. another thing that someone brought up was that if NaOnka wasn’t gonna give up her reward to help the tribe, why didn’t Dan? He didn’t do anything to help win it. He just sat in his big chair and won by default!

    1. Agree. Dan should have really been the one to give up his reward for doing absolutely nothing.

  4. I thought the same thing, but I read somewhere (I think in Jeff Probst’s blog on EW.com) that Dan was ineligible to give up his reward, which makes no sense whatsoever.

  5. Thank you bside my week is now complete! It definately was an episode to rememeber.
    It’s too bad Alina was knocked off so early, we would be seeing some awesome scheming from her part if she was still in it.

  6. Jeff should have taken their torches and burned them in the fire right as the girls sat there and I agree they should not be on the jury and they would have been sent home immediately

    Naonka is a teacher? I would take my child out of the school she works at she is not a role model at all well maybe for stealing, lying and cheating and its really never too early to learn that so maybe my kid would stay at that school

  7. I also thought Dan should give up the reward, but when I watched again (yes, I am that pathetic), when Jeff was talking about the “twist” he only said the names of the people who had participated in the challenge and not Dan. Which is totally bogus and stupid, but this is Survivor after all and rules are made up (and discarded) as we go along.

    I too thought they should not be on the jury and Jeff should have done the whole dramatic burning of their torches instead of “smuffing” them..good lord, is she really that stupid? But I did enjoy the pissy “go”.

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