Inception, As Told By The Real Housewives

The most buzzworthy film of the summer is Inception, and whether you loved it (everyone) or hated it (um, me), it still left many people scratching their heads. Clearly what we all need is a nice, streamlined version of the story, and what better way to retell this elaborate yarn than by employing the Real Housewives of Bravo?

After the jump, your guide to Inception, as told by the Housewives.

SPOILERS ENSUE.

Bethenny: “Oh my God. Shoot me now. I need the files in your vault.”
Sherayay: “Excuse me, but that is the proprietary property of She By Shereé!”
“Would you listen to this one? You’re crazy. CRAZY! I founded Skinnygirl Extractors, and quite frankly, I’m the best in the business.”
“You’re not an extractor. You’re a cook.”
“What difference does it make?”
“I know extractors! And you’re not an extractor! Stop saying you’re an extractor. You’re a cook!”
“Seriously? Shoot me now. Right in the head. Crazy town.”

“Let me introduce you to my extraction partner, Danielle.”
“I will not clap.”
Sherayay: “Is she a poet? And does she have a helicopter?”
“No.”
“Then why would I want to talk to her?”
Danielle: “That was a death threat. I heard that. Death threat.”

Jill: “HiiiiIIII!!!!!”

“Jill, what are you doing here?”
“What? It’s a surprise!”
“But you weren’t invited!”
“This is the greeting I get? Bawwby redirects our private plane so I can sabotage your dream, and you’re not even happy to see me?”
“We’re happy. We just wish you would have called.”
“I have never been so insulted before. EVER!”

“I just… want… to have… a relaxing… dream… I CAN’T BREATHE!”

“The dream is falling apart. Good thing I read the Skinny Girl’s Guide To Waking Up!”

Sherayay: “You failed at stealing my She By Shereé fashions. But I have a proposal for you. I want you to help me break up the empire of my biggest rival.”
“Who’s that?”
“Vicki Gunvalson.”

“I’m sorry, but I work. I have a job! I can’t just spend three hours in the middle of the day sleeping and fighting off subconscious projections of myself!”

“I want you to plant an idea that her empire should be broken up. You can do that, right?”
“I don’t know about planting an idea, but I can sure as hell push one. For instance, did you know that I CREATED THE MARGARITA?”
“I heard about that.”
“INCEPTION!!!!”

Bethenny: “I need an architect.”
“What, you’re not going to say hi first?”
“I’m sorry. Hi.”
“Oh, that’s real sincere, honey.”
“Don’t call me honey.”
“How about bitch? Is bitch better?”

“Don’t forget, girlfriend, I’m from PARIS. Did you forget? Did you forget?”

“You can’t just take my architects, YOU PROSTITUTION WHOOO-AHH!!!”

“BAM! I wanna build a maze!”

“BAM! I’m folding Paris!”
“You can’t do that. My subconscious will get mad at you!”
“Chiiiile, I can do what I want!”

“BAM! We’re in a Paris sandwich!”

Jill: “DIE DIE DIE!!!”
“JILL! You just stabbed Nene!”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I got carried away.”
“You can’t just do that.”
“So wrong that I’m jealous?”
“Yes!”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Can we be friends?”
“I don’t think so.”
“How about a hug?”
“No, Jill.”
“YOU MEDIA WHORE BITCH! YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEE BOBBY IN THE HOSPITAL!! I’m sorry. That was wrong. I got carried away.”

“Excuse me, will anyone be unfolding this city anytime soon? I’m trying to make love to my bellhop, and he’s getting motion sickness. Toodles!”

“BAM! That was a bad dream!”
Bethenny: “But it’s over now. Nene, I want you to meet my helper friend, Danielle.”
Danielle: “I will not clap.”

Bethenny: “Danielle, where are you going?”
“My heel broke. I need to huddle in the corner.”
“Are you okay?”
“OF COURSE NOT! SOMEONE MADE AN ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE!!!!”
“Are you sure you’re not dreaming still?”
“There are only two truths in this reality. Name change, and I was arrested. Pay attention. PUH-LEEEZ!”

Bethenny: “Okay, I need to assemble a team. First, we need a forger.”
“But BAM! Your subconscious is scary!”
“I never got along with my father. Then he died. There? You happy?”
“Well let me tell you about Curtis. Turns out Curtis–“
“No one has ever cared about Curtis. C’mon, let’s go.”

“Hello. I’m a forger. That’s what I do. I find forging to be an aphrodisiac.”
“Ramona, I want you to help me plant an idea in someone’s brain.”
“Plant an idea? That’s impossible. No. You know what that is? It’s déclassé. Sorry. That’s what it is.”

“Hey y’all! You’re gonna need a sedative to go into a dream within a dream within a dream. Luckily, I have just the thing. BRIELLE! BRIELLE!!! Bring Momma her case of Chardonnay!!!”

“BAM! Now that Bethenny’s distracted, I’m going to take this very metaphorical elevator down to her subconscious basement. What could be behind the doors?”

“BAM! It’s scary Jill Zarin! And she’s coming to kill me again!”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE? NEVER COME DOWN HERE!”
“Bam! I like elevators!”

“Well, now we’re all on board a ten hour flight across the Pacific. We just have to wait for our mark to arrive!”

“HIIEEEEEE!!!!”

“Here, Kelly. Have this drink. On the house.”
“I don’t drink.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I’m from the Midwest. I drink beer.”
“So you do drink.”
“Yesterday, yes. Today, absolutely not. Tomorrow? Maybe. The day after, I don’t know.”
“So why don’t you drink this?”
“This is systematic bullying.”
“I’m offering you a free drink!”
“You’re treating me like an animal. And I am against the abuse of animals. Although, I am pro-fur.”
“How is that possible?”
“Zip it! Zip it!”
“JUST DRINK THE DRINK. IT’S A GIFT.”
“No. That’s creepy. It’s so impersonal. UGH. Scary Island Airlines.”

Sherayay: “How’d you knock her out?”
“I laced her Gummy Bears with Skinny Girl Roofies.”

“BAM! We’re in Kelly’s dream!”

“BAM! Here comes a train for no reason!”
“It’s the subconscious Skinny Girl Express!”

Bethenny: “Seriously, why is there a train here? Shoot me now. Kill me. With a gun. Shot to the head. This is crazy.”
“Curtis always said that–“
“NO ONE CARES ABOUT CURTIS.”

Kelly: “Why are you all in my taxi?”
Ramona: “We’re abducting you. We want to plant an idea in your head. Kind of like an idea RENEWAL. You see, I’ve been going through a renewal myself. I don’t know if you noticed, but I cut my hair. It’s all part of a renewal.”
Kelly: “No. This is systematic bullying, and no adult should stand for it.”
Sherayay: “Who’s gonna check me, boo?”
Danielle: “Boo? Like a ghost? It only takes one good haunted spirit to startle me, and then I don’t wake up. Then my daughters don’t have a mother. Then are you happy? Then?”

Danielle: “DRIVE FASTER! The Manzos are coming for us! STOP CHASING ME!!!!”
Caroline: “Let me tell you a something about Kelly Bensimon’s subconscious projections: we’re as thick as thieves, and we protect each other until the end.”

Sherayay: “I’ve been shot! Whatever happened to customer service?”
Bethenny: “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Since we’re under sedation, if you die, you go into something called limbo where your brain rots because, well, I don’t know why. And I don’t know how you get out of limbo. But you can. I’ve been there. And my brain didn’t rot. So I guess limbo doesn’t rot everyone’s brains. Just some people’s brains. It’s a very hazy subject.”
“What?!? But I’m not supposed to die in dreams! YOU RUINED MY JOY!!!”

“HIIIEEEE!!! What am I doing here? BYEEEE!!!!”
Bethenny: “Tell us how to open the vault.”
“What vault?”
“THE VAULT!!”
“Bethenny, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. You need to chill out. Just stop. Stop. Stop.”
“Tell us how to open the vault. Otherwise, we’ll continue torturing someone very close to you.”
Kelly: “Someone close to me? No… not—“

“MY LOVE, would you believe they’ve been torturing me? They even called me a snake. The mouth on that one. Nasty!”
Kelly: “LuAnn, why are they doing this?”
“I TOLD YOU not to go down to the Caribbean without us. This is what happens.”
“You’re making lemonade out of lemons.”
“Tell them the combo for the safe, my love. It’s Tuesday, and if we stay here much longer, my son will find me and make me eat tacos.”
“I don’t even understand. What’s in the safe? Satchels of gold?”
“It’s Vicki’s last will and testament. She wants to break up the empire.”
“What? That’s gross! I’ll just buy it all back.”
“Money can’t buy you an empire. Inheritance is earned, my friends.”

Ramona: “OOOOH, look at me! I’m the Countess! I’m so PRRRROOPPPER!!!”
Bethenny: “We get it, Ramona. You like doing impressions of LuAnn. That’s why you’re the forger.”
“My mothah always said I should forge my own fake identities because you never want to be dependent on someone else’s fake identities. That’s why I’ve come up with my own brand of forging supplies to be sold on QVC. It’s called Tru Forgery.”

“Okay, y’all, get in the van. While you sleep, I’ll drive. Don’t worry, I’m an excellent driver. Big Poppa taught me well.”

“BAM! Now we’re in another dream!”

Kelly: “Why did you want to meet me here at this bar?”
“I feel like there’s tension between us.”
“That’s because I’m up here, and you’re down there.”
“Yes, but—“
“Seriously, Al Sharpton. You scare me. You literally scare me. I have dreams about you coming to murder me.”
“I can assure you this is not a dream. No one is attacking you, Kelly. We all just want to enjoy this last night together.”
“I am enjoying this night. I’m happy. I don’t want to talk about feelings. That’s so 1978 two dreams ago.”
“Okay, well, I don’t know what that means, but–“
“That’s because you’re just a cook.”
“Yes, well, I’m a chef, but anyway–“
“Cook.”
“Chef.”
“COOK.”
“CHEF. AND YOU’RE BEING SYSTEMATICALLY BULLIED!”
“What? Where?”
“Come with me!”

“My love, I’m trying to extract information from your brain. Not that there’s much there [insert haughty Countess laugh].”
“That’s just gross.”

“WHOA. What the hell is going on?”

“Sorry, y’all. Am I not supposed to be driving with Chardonnay?”

“KIM. Get it together!”
LuAnn: “I can’t believe she’d drive so reckless near the Cancer Society. NEVER NEAR THE CANCER SOCIETY!”

“There’s a tiiiiightrope between me and you, and– BRIELLE! BRIELLE!!! Was that a Chick-Fil-A?”

“Oh shoot. I drove off the bridge. Hey y’all! We gotta jump out of our dreams early. Don’t be tardy for the party!”

“You know the Manzos are behind this. Here’s what happens. The hallway goes spinning, I burn my hair on a wall lamp, I get a small bald spot in the back of my head, I knock my skull on the ceiling, and the next thing you know, I DON’T WAKE UP. Now my daughters don’t have a mother. And I have a bald spot! THEN ARE THEY HAPPY? THEN ARE THEY HAPPY?”

Nene: “BAM! It’s a snowy fortress!”
Ramona: “I don’t like this fortress. Sorry! I don’t like it. I like warm things. Like the Virgin Islands. Not cold. This is too cold. No. You know what it is? It’s déclassé. Sorry. That’s what it is. Déclassé.”
Bethenny: “Ramona, just let me distract the guards while you and Kelly break into the vault.”
“Oh sure. You’ll distract the guards. You’ll probably mess that up like every other relationship you’ve messed up. Don’t think your husband isn’t next. Okay, love you! Bye!!!”

LuAnn: “Would you believe there’s an avalanche? What a nasty mountain!”
“Avalanche, just stop. Stop. Stop. Zip it!”
“Money can’t buy you stable snow. Money can’t buy you stable snow. Avalanche protection is earned, my friend. Avalanche protection is earrrrrrrrnnnnneed!”

“Oh my God. There’s not enough time. Shoot me now. Literally, shoot me in the head. We need a direct path to the vault.”
“But if I tell you the layout, what about Jill?”
“I can take care of Jill. Jill’s the least of my concerns.”

“I WANT TO FORGIVE JILL, AND I WANT TO FORGET JILL.”
Nene: “BAM! You gotta get your subconscious fixed!”

“HIIEEE!!! I’m at the vault!”

“I’M BACK! Quite predictably, I’d like to add.”

“BAAWWWBY! BETHENNY SHOT ME! Now I’m going to stain my ZAAARIN FAAAABRICS.”

Bethenny: “Would you believe this one? Killing Kelly? She’s possessed. Jill’s a monster. I’m telling you.”
Ramona: “I didn’t like that. I don’t like surprises. I invited her to the snow fortress once, and she turned me down. She should have called if she was coming to the snow fortress. Now Alex is hyperventilating–

Alex: “WE’VE HAD ENOUGH DRAMA!”
Bethenny: “Alex, what are you doing here?”
“I have a message.”
“A message?”
“From you.”
“A message from myself?”
“Yes. And it goes as following…”
Nene: “BAM! Spit it out!”
“Okay. The message is that Jill is a mean manifestation. And she is in LIMBO. And while she is in limbo I AM IN BROOKLYN!!!”

Bethenny: “Wow. That was intense.”
Ramona: “No. It wasn’t intense. It was déclassé.”
“BAM! We have to go into limbo and find Kelly!”
Bethenny: “You’re right. We have to find Kelly and bring her back and destroy Jill and then defibrillate Kelly to make her jump back and do it all while synchronizing to the music so we wake up at all at once. Oh and I have to find Sherayay because she died and is in limbo too, and if we don’t find her, she can’t help me go back to Manhattan to be with Cookie and JAAAAAAAson.”
Ramona: “What are you saying? You’re not making sense. Next thing you know you’ll be saying that Kodak is a relevant company.”
“BAM! Nothing makes sense!”

“Hello?? I’m still floating in an elevator shaft. I will not clap.”

Kim G: “Calm Down! CALM DOWN!!! CALM DOWN!!!!”

“Am I supposed to be singing music now or somethin’? I just get so nervous in the recording booth. I haven’t been able to sing ever since i had cancer. Well, fake cancer. It’s hard for me to talk about.”

Nene: “So this is limbo? BAM! It’s ugly!”
“Yes. This is limbo. A place of unconstructed dreams and memories.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I don’t know.”

Bethenny: “There are the giant batteries. We used to love coming here and pretending we were on a motorcycle.”
Nene: “What happened?”

“We had a wonderful life. Fame. Red carpets. The aforementioned fake motorcycling in front of novelty-sized batteries. It was wonderful.”

“I wanted to move on, but Jill couldn’t take it. So I planted the idea in her head that she wasn’t actually famous.”

“When we woke up, Jill still couldn’t get rid of the notion that she wasn’t really famous. So she became a monster.”

“I know inception is real because I used it on Jill. I KILLED HER.”
Nene: “BAM! That’s intense!”

Jill: “Bethenny. I want to talk to you. What the hell happened to us?”
Bethenny: “Go find Kelly, Nene. I’ll deal with Jill.”

Jill: “I want to be friends. Can we be friends? Bethenny? How about a hug?”
“You have a lot of changing to do.”
“I don’t like this. I feel ambushed.”
“Jill. It’s okay. It’s my fault. I ruined you. I made you think you could be funny. I made you think you could sell a successful book. I made you think that people loved you.”
“And they don’t?”
“Ehhhhhh not so much anymore.”
“It’s been a tough year. What can I say? I made mistakes.”
“So you made some mistakes.”
“So wrong that I should make a mistake?”
“Go ahead. Make a mistake. It’s a free country.”
“Like my mother Gloria says, you make a mistake, a rabbi makes a blessing. Circle of mitzvah.”

“BAM! Kelly you better wake up before I toss you off the balcony!”

“Screw that. I’m dumping the bitch over.”

“HIEEE!!! I’m back to life! Time to go in the vault!!”

“Finally you’re here. I have to get back to work. Some of us have jobs. I just want to say that my love tank is empty and that I’m very disappointed in you, Kelly. Not because you failed me as a friend but because every time you throw a football, it hits me in the face. Thank you though for not bringing any men into this vault. It was supposed to be a girls only vault trip. Woohoo!!!”

Nene: “BAM! We all woke up!”
Danielle: “I will not clap.”
Sherayay: “I need an independence party.”
Ramona: “Kadooz to a job well done!”
Bethenny: “Everything turned out alllllll right!”

Jason: “Welcome home, babe.”
“Thanks. I had the craziest, most humorless dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. But now everything is finally back to normal.”

OR IS IT?

“To find out all the scoop on this mysterious top, check out Watch What Happens Live! with ME! Andy Cohen!!! We’ll be talking about the top with Sarah Jessica Parker and Wendy Williams! HAAAYYY it’s the Inception after party starting right now!!!”

“Hey everyone. It’s Andy Cohen here with the top from Inception! So glad you’re here! All I have to say is wow. WOW! I mean, like, crazy!!!”

“Joining us on the phone now is Rachel Zoe. Heeeeey Rachel!”
“Oh my God, Andy. That movie blew me away. It was ba-na-nas. And spinning top? I die. I die. Your look is beyond. Literally, I don’t know if I’m awake or dreaming right now.”
“You’re very much awake.”
“Who said that?”
“Me. Andy Cohen.”
“Oh my God. There are voices coming through my phone. How does that happen? I am LITERALLY in a dream. Am I in a ghost dream? Or am I a ghost in a human dream? Tay? Where’s Tay? I need help. Tay?”

Brad: “Oh my God, Rachel?”
“Brad? Is that you?”
“Rachel. Did you see Inception?”
“I’m not sure. I think I fell asleep during it. But does that mean I saw it? Maybe the movie was my dream?”
“Are you awake right now?”
“Unclear.”
“Literally, I’m confused.”
“I have mental vertigo. The room is spinning.”
“Maybe it’s just the top?”
“Oh my God. I die. I LITERALLY thought I was a spinning top dreaming I was a stylist dreaming I was talking to a spinning top.”
“Oh my God. I’m scared.”
“Ask the Bing what it all means.”
“Oh. Wait. It explains it all right here.”
“Really? That’s bananas.”
“Apparently, at the end of the movie, Bethenny is–“