REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Battle of the Barbecues

Based on the way season two of Real Housewives of New York City ended, you’d never believe that Jill, LuAnn, and Kelly would be in a clique pitted against the other women, but that’s exactly how this young cycle has been turning out. Tension is still thick between the feuding parties of Ramona and LuAnn as well as Bethenny and Jill, and as such, when Labor Day rolled around, the ladies splintered into groups to celebrate this last day of summer. Of course, Kelly wasn’t about to hang with Bethenny; so she headed to LuAnn’s place, and Ramona, knowing that she needed reinforcements, nabbed Alex and Simon with a last minute invite to her party. Yes, this had the makings of a classic feud with each side gathering allies and armaments. All these women needed was a spark — a metaphorical assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand — and that came in the form of Alex and Simon attempting to maintain amicable relations with both sides. The perennially awkward (but oddly lovable) couple attempted to extricate themselves from Ramona’s home to go do a pop-in at LuAnn’s, but things went awry when Alex alerted their hostess of their plans. The thought was that Alex didn’t want her actions to come off as sneaky or two-faced, but in reality, she didn’t owe it to anyone to explain where she was headed later that afternoon. As expected, Ramona went nuts, arguing (somewhat justifiably) that it was rude — nay, TACKY — of LuAnn to try to poach HER guests. She’s right to an extent, but of course we don’t know the context of LuAnn’s invitation (was it a casual “Stop by on your way back?” or something more formal?). We also don’t know the timing. As far as we could tell, Alex and Simon were intentional last second invites to the BBQ. Ramona admitted so much in an interview as we watched her pretend like she had totally forgotten to invite “Silex” all along. Perhaps LuAnn had invited them first.
Ultimately though, it really doesn’t matter. They’re all adults, and supposedly they should be able to figure these things out. But alas, Ramona badgered the McCord-Van Kempens into staying, and so Alex had to place a call to Jill to inform her that there really was no graceful way for her to exit the party (actually, the graceful way would be to say “Thanks for having us! We have to leave.”) Jill was totally warm and accommodating and told Alex not to worry about it… until she hung up the phone and then pooh-poohed Alex’s choice. She noted that if Alex really wanted to come to LuAnn’s, she would have found a way, which was true, but also… who cares? It’s just a casual BBQ. And if Alex’s primary social obligation was indeed Ramona’s funhouse, she most certainly did not owe it to LuAnn to drop by. Alas.

Aside from dueling BBQs, the episode was full of plenty of other amusing tidbits. LuAnn’s former housekeeper Rosie made a cameo appearance, probably just to reveal her new look. It seems like every year this woman gets a makeover, and the good news is that she looks younger each time. Gone are her matronly, old looks. Now she’s got long, flowing hair and a little pep in her step that seems to say “I’m a MODERN WOMAN… now what would you like for dinner?” Poor LuAnn seemed positively delighted to have her Rosanna back, but that’s probably because she was hoping to squeeze a free meal out of her. The new girl is apparently very unskilled in the kitchen. Maybe that’s why LuAnn’s daughter flung herself from the roof. According to the Countess, the young Victoria was fooling around on the balcony and somehow fell off, but it’s fairly obvious she was merely trying to escape the nasty culinary creations of NORAH, the new “girl.” Either that, or she was sick of hearing her mom pretend to be European by osmosis. Both are likely.
Meanwhile, in Kelly land, our favorite daffy model arrived at LuAnn’s house with some very serious news that was so important, it had to be shared immediately. Did she have cancer? Had someone died? Was she going to jail? Nope. She was going to be in Playboy. Cool, I guess? I mean, yes, it IS cool, but why the dramatics? Kelly chalked up her histrionics to simply wanting the ladies’ approval, but clearly she was just chomping at the bit to brag. How do we know this? Because when Bobby encountered Kelly a little bit later, she all but sent a blimp over the house with the message “I’M GOING TO BE IN PLAYBOY, BOBBY!!” This, of course, unearthed one of the more uncomfortable revelations of the episode: that Bobby has a copy of every single Playboy from the late ’60s to 1998 in his mother’s basement. I don’t think there was a single person at the BBQ, let alone the viewing audience, who wasn’t weirded out. Even Kelly seemed to have second thoughts about the photo shoot knowing that someone like Bobby would be eventually ogling her lady parts. Shivers.
One person who probably won’t be staring at Playboy is this Jason character. Serving as the boring foil to Bethenny’s mania, the guy is something of a snooze-fest. The two shared an interminable scene midway through the show where they discussed moving in together. I nearly fell asleep right then and there. I can only imagine what sort of dreary spin-off show these two are going to have. I doubt I’ll be watching. As for Bethenny, she was her usual self all episode. We first saw her having drinks with Ramona, and again she kvetched about her long drive. She then went into babble mode and began chattering away so quickly, even Ramona had to pull back and remark at the sheer volume of words falling out of Bethenny’s mouth. Later, at Ramona’s barbecue, the subject of Jill inevitably came up, and a friendly woman offered her two cents about the situation, prompting Bethenny to incredulously ask us, “Who the hell are you? The caterer?” Hmmm… maybe that’s why Jill has a problem with Bethenny — her head’s gotten so big that she can barely tolerate input from strangers. Listen, when you broadcast your personal problems to an audience of millions, don’t be shocked when people chime in with their thoughts. And yes, in case there was any doubt, Bethenny mentioned her book and Skinny Girl merchandise unnecessarily at the barbecue yet again.
As for Jill, her biggest moment of the episode (aside from a humorous attempt to teach AAAAALLLY how to drive) was putting Ramona on speaker phone and asking her to tell Mario to apologize to LuAnn. It was a simple request, but things soon turned downright nasty when Ramona went off on LuAnn, calling her a slut and a bullshitter and two-faced. Mind you, Ramona had no idea that LuAnn was right there, and later, Jill explained that had she known Ramona would go so crazy, she would NEVER have put her on speaker phone. Still doesn’t explain why Jill didn’t take her OFF speaker phone, but that’s neither here nor there. The call only served to exacerbate the tensions between the Countess and Ramona, and when Mario later called with an insincere effort to make amends, Jill and LuAnn immediately interpreted the voicemail as what it was: a message to “bring it on, bitch.” Oh, it’s already been broughten.
Are we only on episode two?

Bethenny: “I just want you to know that I didn’t use your logo, but ONLY because it was awful.”

“LuAnn, your breakfast is tiny!”
“Well, I was married to a European; so I naturally have a European appetite.”

Kelly: “I have something extremely important to discuss. Kind of a matter of life or death.”
“My goodness, Darling! What’s wrong?”
“Well–“
“Actually, can it wait a few hours? We’re about to eat tacos.”

“The nerve of that Alex not to leave the party she was initially invited to in order to honor the spite invitation that WE gave HER!”

“Rosie, will you come back? The new girl doesn’t know how to cook, and the only thing Mom can make is sheet cake in the pattern of the European Union flag.”

“I’m so fascinated by this cowboy. We don’t see many of them where I’m from: a.k.a EUROPE.”

Ramona: “Bethenny, I really don’t appreciate you sitting next to Mario. That’s just rude. It’s rude. No, you know what it is? It’s classless. Sorry! It’s classless. That’s what it is. And wow, you’re still talking!”

LuAnn: “I can’t believe she called me a slut. I mean, to say that at breakfast? Not at breakfast! NEVER AT BREAKFAST!!!”

“I’m boring.”

“I’m going to make an awkward situation right now by unnecessarily telling you that I’m leaving this party early to go to LuAnn’s.”
“That’s fine. That’s fine.”
“Is it?”
“No. You know what that is? It’s rude. It’s just rude.”
“I don’t want to be caught in the middle.”
“Of course you don’t. But those women, they’re just rude. No, you know what they are? Classless. They don’t have class. They’re DÉCLASSÉ!”
“I just want things to be in the open.”
“I’m telling you, they have no class. No, you know what? They’re tacky. They’re TACKY! Sorry! They’re tacky! They’re tacky.”
“I just–“
“No, they’re not tacky. They’re mean. They are MEAN ladies. Sorry. They’re mean. It’s what they are. And mean ladies are rude.”
“So they’re back to being rude?”
“No. They’re not rude. They’re classless. They don’t have class. They think they have class, but guess what? They’re DÉCLASSÉ! Sorry. They’re déclassé.”
“So you’re just gonna go on a loop, aren’t you?”
“You know what they are? Tacky.”

Kelly: “So the big news is… I’m posing for Playboy!”
“You don’t have cancer?”
“No. Why would you say that?”
“Well, you said it was important.”
“This IS important.”
“Listen, bitch. You made me step away from the barbecue. On Labor Day weekend, no less! I mean, not on Labor Day! NEVER ON LABOR DAY!!!”

“Yeah, Alex, don’t worry about not being able to make it AT ALL! It’s totally fine. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye, sweetie! [click] That fucking bitch.”

LuAnn: “I don’t know, I think you kids are handling the whole divorce pretty well, wouldn’t you say?”
“Mom, I jumped off the roof of our house.”
“That’s okay. It was very European of you.”

What did you think about the episode? Did Alex and Simon do the right thing?