Sorry I’m a little behind with my photocapping duties. Last week’s double episode of Jersey Shore was a lot for me to take in. Granted, it was sort of the usual stuff: fist fights, booty calls, wide-scale butchering of the English language. This time, however, we got the added bonus of an Israeli stalker, and let me tell you something: no one hunts down people better than the Israelis. You ever see Munich? Exactly.
Poor Pauly D was the unlucky recipient of this psycho beach prowler — a humorless woman who adamantly insisted she didn’t want to be made to look the fool. Her first mistake: trolling after a guy with a giant Italian flag on his back and a blow-out on his head. I’m not sure she’ll ever be able to live this one down, especially when Pauly finally told her off on the insufferable duck phone. He laid it out to her pretty harshly, and you’d think she would have taken the hint when he up and hung up on her, but alas, she sought him out once again at a club (Karma? Bamboo? Pepperoni?) and again insisted she was NOT a stalker. Pauly probably should have simply marched away, but instead he humored her presence, seemingly acquiescing to her demands that they continue to hang out. Kind of poor form on his part. You can’t complain about a stalker if you’re willing to string her along…

Speaking of stalkers, it seems like these kids have no trouble finding unwanted followers on the boardwalk. Once again, some random pieces of Jersey trash started up with our crew, and once again, Sammi exacerbated the situation by talking smack back. This girl is a piece of work. It’s not her fault that the blurry-faced bitches were yelling at her, but it certainly didn’t help anyone when she added fuel to the fire. But we all know the way someone like Sammi operates. She’s more than happy to talk shit if she’s got a big muscle-head guy standing beside her. Enter Ronnie. The guy is like the hulk — all calm and rational until something flips in his brain, and then the dude’s a monster. And by “something flips,” I clearly mean “the roid rage sets in.” For the second time this season, he up and destroyed another guy — this time with one punch that left the squawking offender out cold on the sidewalk. Ouch. I don’t know who these idiots are that keep thinking they can go up against someone like Ronnie. Oh yeah — they’re from Jersey. Now it makes sense.
Anyway, Ronnie was all excited about his one hit wonder, but the bragging was short lived as the po’ po’ soon rolled up and handcuffed him. Oh yeah. Knocking someone out is kiiiiind of against the law. Dumb Ronnie. I still would like to place a significant amount of the blame on Sammi for this, but unlike the last fight, Ronnie deserves some dubious credit too.
Turns out Ronnie wasn’t the only one throwing punches though. J-WOWW resurfaced from her disappearing act, and just in time to bash The Situation right in his bulbous nose. Why? Well, he was being a douche. Then again, what else is new? But truly, even for a douche like Mike, he was reeeaalllly being a douche. First he called Snooki fat, which was a pretty douchey move. Then he went and stole Vinny’s girl at a club, which was also a pretty douchey move. And then, when a drunk J-WOWW requested that Mike walk her back to her room, he gave her the “Go away” palm, lest she interrupt what was surely to be a fruitless romantic encounter with some Atlantic City trollop. It was all too much for J-WOWW, and so she did what pretty much every room mate — and perhaps American — has wanted to do for quite some time now: she punched him. Well played, my lady. Well played.
On to the photocap:

Girl: “Mmmmm. You smell like GTL.”
The Situation: “Gym, tan, laundry baby!!!”
“No, I meant garlic, tomatoes, and linguine.”

“Ronnie, I sawr you talking to another girl!!”
“I don’t care what you sawr, Sammie. You have no idear what you’re talkin’ about!”
“Don’t you evah say that about me again.”
“Would you listen to yourself?”
“No, you listen to yourself! You were talkin’ to another girl!!!”
“Sammie, you mook, that wasn’t a girl. It was a water fountain. And I wasn’t talking to it. I was drinking from it.”
“You drank from a water fountain without telling me? That’s it. I don’t even wanna look at your face or nuthin’ not anymore!”

“Hey Vinny, when you kiss me, I want you to NOT think about my brother. I mean, I know we have the same face, but just imagine that you are NOT hooking up with The Situation. Don’t think about it at all. Hey, where’d your boner go?”

Pauly D: “This is kind of crazy. I never done dated an Israeli chick before.”
“I bring you couscous and raisins for next seven days. Then we get married, yes?”

Ronnie: “Why you saying I was creepin’ on another girl? Why you say that, Mike?”
The Situation: “I just says what I sees. It’s not like I was tree feet away from yous. I dunno what I sees!”

Vinny: “See, I like this. Kissing in the DARK. Much better.”
“That’s what my brother says he likes to do.”
“See, now you’ve ruined it.”

“Cheers to a good weekend, even if you all are a bunch of mooks!”
“Hahaha, you’re the jerkoff!”
“You’re all jerkoffs, hahaa.”
“Yeah, but at least this jerkoff is gettin’ laid!”
“Hahahaha, since when, you mook?”
“Shut up, all of you! You’re all a bunch of jerkoffs! Hahahah”
Mike: “Snooki is fat.”

“Let me get this right, J-WOWW. You want me to leave this here broad so I can walk your drunk ass home? What do you think I am? A gentleman?”

“How DARE you say that Cascada isn’t the greatest musical act of all time! HOW DARE YOU!!!!”

“Oh Pauly. How funny to run into you here. I got you a gift. It’s the biography of Golda Meir.”

“Oh Keith. I wish your dick was on your back. Fuck my life.”

“Who is this? Danielle? No, Pauly’s not here… I don’t know when he’s gonna be back… Yes, he did get your ‘I Love Tel Aviv’ shirt… No, he hasn’t worn it.”

“Check it out. I’m putting pickles under Snookers’ bed. This is what you call a situation! A pickle situation! Oh man, that’s classic. Claaaasssic me!”

“I’m sorry for punching you in the face, Mike.”
“And I’m sorry that you’re such a beast.”

“This jerkoff has a girlfriend already? Fuck my life. Why did I even bother wearing my hot pink Footlocker corset?”

“Danielle, it’s like you just don’t get it. You stalk me nonstop! It’s like crazy town up in here!”
“So you want to fuck?”
“Yeah, sure.”

“It was worth it. It was worth it.

What did you think about this week’s episodes? Are you sad about the finale tomorrow?

4 replies on “JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Go Directly To Jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Battle To House Music.”

  1. It was funny how when Pauly was on the phone trying to dump his stalker, they [the mooks] sat around eating big sandwiches and laughing
    and Snookie, not caring that Mike put pickles all over her room, just concerned because he wasted pickles
    I am gonna miss this show

  2. for some reason, i don’t think you get at the core, or the essence, or the spirit of this show as you do the west coast shows.

  3. B-side!! TVGasm is not the same without you. I miss all of your recaps – you are truly the best at it!!! Keep up the great work. You always make me smile 🙂

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