THE CITY PHOTOCAP: Whit-Whit Goes on a BD with a DB

It’s Wednesday afternoon, which means it’s time for me to once again praise the TV gods for delivering me yet another delightful episode of The City. This show is fast becoming one of my favorites of the year, and I’m not ashamed to say so. The mix of simmering female tensions, career ambitions, and late night socializing makes for great TV. If I sound like I’m overhyping the show (or perhaps giving it more credit than it deserves), then, well, YOU’RE WRONG. Don’t judge a book by its cover, and don’t judge a spinoff by its originator (in this case, The Hills).
This week’s episode found Whitney and Roxy engaging in a bit more boy drama than usual. Normally I’d be loathe to watch such silliness as the meat and potatoes of this series is the workplace, but I must credit the producers who have wisely kept the romantic high jinks at a palatable level; thus allowing such diversions as the Fackelmeyer fracas to come and go without wearing out their welcome. Nevertheless, the bulk of last night’s episode pertained to Roxy and Whitney’s boy adventures, and no, that does not include the intrusive squirrel that apparently has overtaken their apartment. How a squirrel got into their abode is a whole other question, and I loved how both girls started off the show discussing their unwanted pest before making a conversational 180 and chirping about boyz. It would be the equivalent of me saying “So I saw a dead corpse decomposing in the street. It was really nasty. All smelly and stuff. Hey, how’s your mom doing?”
Well, we never did find out if the girls caught their bushy-tailed squatter, but I guess that’s because they had more pressing issues to deal with. W-w-w-Whitney had a big blind date coming up, courtesy of Sammy at Bergdorf Goodman, and Roxy had drinks planned with Zac, a guy who’s popped up here and there this season, clearly ready to knock boots, as they say. Both situations seemed promising, but alas, both fizzled out triumphantly.

Poor Whitney got stuck with a major dope named Patrick whose douchiness was almost on par with dearly departed Cousin Nevin (will he ever return?). I actually liked this Patrick dude because a) he used dumb slang, like me and my friends, b) he was kind of a jerk, like me and my friends, and c) he had puffy hair from the ’80s, NOT like me and my friends. Okay, okay – he was a jerk. First of all, he referred to Louis Vuitton as “The LV,” which if anything would be “Las Vegas.” He also made mention of P5 (contemporary fashions at Bergdorf’s, duh), and a few other nauseating things. Look, I’m all about the slang (ie. “I’m going to Targs on Santa Mons in West Holls”), but you can’t just start SAYING it and expect people to know what the hell you’re talking about — at least not on a date… on TV! That’s totes NC. (not cool)
If all the slang wasn’t bad enough, Patrick then had the gall to split the bill with his lady, and making matters worse, he made things all smarmy by suggesting that they “join forces.” Tacky, dude. True, he may not have been interested in Whitney or her gender, but at least be a gentleman.
Less douchey but certainly no more of a gentleman was the aforementioned Zac. After enjoying some charming cocktails with Roxy, the two looked well on their way to coital bliss. But it was not meant to be. Roxy invited Zac to join her at THE GATES (an imposing sounding club in Manhattan), with the stipulation being he had to bring a lot of hot guys for her friends. Sounded like a simple enough plan. Fast forward to THE GATES, and as Roxy and Whitney and Sammy and some others sat around, in walked Zac with an entourage of six hot ladies. Even worse, they didn’t even sit with Roxy. Ouch. Very ouch. Roxy was not pleased by this, but unlike Whitney, who would probably stare with saucer eyes before walking away meekly, Roxy was not about to let this transpire quietly. She rightly chewed out Zac, who acted as if she were crazy to even think they had gone on several dates. The whole thing ended in disaster, but it was Zac who wound up looking like the dick. Advantage: Roxy.
All this drama was such a big to-do that Whitney and Roxy couldn’t stop talking about it at work the next day. They chattered away mindlessly, and as the camera cut away to various people in the office shooting them nasty, worrisome, and peeved looks, my body began to shake with anticipation. Kelly was surely about to pounce. It’s like watching a lion stalk its prey on Animal Planet. You dread the end of life, but you crave the excitement. Sure enough, after the camera cut away to Ms. Cutrone two or three times, the boss lady spoke up and ordered Whitney to come into her office, even if it meant breaking up the “quilting circle.” I can’t quite remember the rest of the reprimand, except that it was in standard Kelly Cutrone style, which is to say awesome and hilarious. We need more Kelly. MORE.
Elsewhere in the Big Apple, the ongoing turf war between Erin and Olivia continued, with Erin slowly falling out of favor with Joe Zee. Things started off poorly when Joe and Olivia bonded over wardrobe choices for a Brooklyn Decker photo shoot. Erin plunked herself right in the middle of their conversation, thus precipitating a series of awkward pauses and stilted discussion. I know that clearly this was augmented by some convenient editing on MTV’s part, but I really didn’t care. It was hilarious storytelling.
Later, at the photo shoot, Erin once again bitched to Joe about Olivia’s performance, and despite his perpetually warm and cheery demeanor, Joe seemed to be growing weary of this song and dance. Erin certainly is getting the bad edit now as the producers seem to relish making her look psychotic and petty. At a dinner party later in the episode, it seemed as if every cutaway shot of the poor girl featured her slumped over or mashing something in her mouth like a cow chewing on cud. Not a complimentary episode. It didn’t help things that as soon as her bosses and Olivia had left the table (who leaves dinner parties early? Especially if you’re the hosts?), Erin immediately launched into attack mode, talking all sorts of shit about Olivia behind her back. Not the height of professionalism.
Of course, while Olivia may have a bit more tact, she still came off looking like a jackass at least once in the episode. She tried to impress Cobra Starship (of “Good Girls Gone Bad” fame) with her musical knowledge, saying that she loved house music (really?) and hip-hop. This prompted the musicians to ask her if she liked “Tribe” — as in Tribe Called Quest (again with the slang!) — and Olivia just stared at them with vacant eyes before admitting that she had no idea who the hell they were talking about. Score one for music snobs. It was a fairly wonderful moment — an unspoken victory for Erin in a seething war of passive aggression — and one of the many reasons why this show continues to be riveting and hilarious entertainment.
And now photos:

“Soooooooo… tell me about the vermin in our apartment!”

Erin: “I’ll just sit here quietly and make things awkward for everyone, but just because I’m silent doesn’t mean you can forget that I can speak faster than ALL OF YOU COMBINED!”

“So…. do you know anything about trapping squirrels?”

“Natch. I learned everything about ST at the LV when I met CB for a G&T, YD?”

“I’m sorry?”

“UGH. I learned everything about SQUIRREL TRAPPING at LOUIS VUITTON when I met CHUCK BASS for a GIN AND TONIC, YA DIG?”

“Okay…”

“‘OK’? I’m not familiar.”

“[okay, stay cool Whitney. He’s a total douche, but at least it’s a free dinner]”

“So how about we JF? You know, join forces. On the bill!”

“I’ve got to find a good man.”

“Me too, sister.”

“Zachary, I do hope you’re enjoying our date together. You are aware it’s a date, correct?”

“Yup! Not a date.”

“Joe, I don’t know why I have to hold Olivia’s hand. No one held mine. Ever. In life. I don’t know what a hand feels like. Literally. I had no mother. Or father. I was raised by wood sprites and crickets. I speak fluent katydid. My best friend was a pillbug. We used to play hide and seek until I stepped on her one day. I said I was sorry, but I was shunned by my community. I was alone in the world, Joe. Alone. I taught myself English. Me! The only book I had was one I found in a dumpster behind a Walmart. I didn’t even know what it was at first. I thought it was a shoe! But I learned, Joe. I learned! ON MY OWN!”

“That was a great story. And I love what you’re wearing! Cah-yute! Isn’t Olivia the best??”

“Olivia, you’re doing a wonderful job.”
“I know.”
“You’re a real superstar.”
“Shhhh… you’re voice is making sound waves that are shaking my bones. I’m very brittle.”

Whitney: “OMG, I think I just saw another squirrel.”
“No, that’s just Zac.”

Zac: “So ladies, on a scale of 1 to 10, how awesome is my little black knit cap? 12, right? Totes.”

Robbie: “I love that watch.”
Olivia: “Thank you. The man in Switzerland who made it is a very dear friend of mine.”
“How lovely. Would you mind passing the butter?”
“My pleasure. The man in Vermont who churned this butter is also a very dear friend of mine. I really know all the butter churners actually.”

Joe: “I just LOVE the way Erin and Olivia work together. They go together like peas in a pod.”
Erin: “For the record, I NEVER had anyone put me in a pod. I had to do it MYSELF.”

“Whitney, if I stare at you long enough, I’m fairly certain I can turn you into a pillar of cumin.”

“I hate to break up the quilting circle, but rumor has it there’s a squirrel in your apartment. Will you bring it to me please? Mama needs a snack.”

What did you think about the episode? Which disaster date was better?