At long last, The Hills showed some life last night. It wasn’t an amazing episode by any means, but at least it was more enjoyable than what we’ve previously seen this season. So why was this installment better than the rest? Well, I’d like to think the answer to that question begins and ends with the water balloon that nailed Kristin in the face, but it was more than that.
First off, Heidi and Spencer and their increasingly contrived storylines were relegated to the sidelines this week, surfacing only in about one or two scenes. Once again, the baby question has been plaguing the couple, and as Spencer complained about his wife’s desire to spawn, that annoying turd Enzo popped up again, ready to interrupt the serenity that was Spence and Charlie hitting balls into a canyon. Look, I’m no fan of Spencer and Charlie (especially not Charlie), but if a kid can make my sympathetic to them, then that kid really must suck. And yes, I have no qualms making fun of wee Enzo because a) he’s annoying, and b) his parents consented to have him appear on this show; so it’s really their fault.
Nevertheless, Spencer eventually got the rugrat to disappear (no, he did not chuck him into the canyon), and later on, he joined his wife for dinner where again she pestered him about her childless uterus. The pressure to reproduce was great for Heidi because, as she explained, her mom had already had at least one kid by the time she was twenty-three. And look how well that turned out! Surprisingly, this little confrontation was actually enjoyable to watch, mostly because it wasn’t the same old dopey bickering from these two. Heidi actually had a sly grin on her face instead of a puffy-lipped pout, and despite Spencer’s reeeediculous cowboy hat, I couldn’t help but be amused by this showdown. Nevertheless, Spence has the right idea: tie those tubes. No need for Lil Spencers to roam this earth.
As silly as Spencer’s hat was, however, it was nothing compared to Justin Bobby’s new tummy tat. Yes, the hygienically challenged biker bum revealed a rather awful “Italia” tattoo that stretched across his stomach in a pseudo-cholo arc. I don’t know what this guy’s fascination is with Latino gangster biker culture, but it’s not doing him any favors.
Nevertheless, Justin Bobby agreed to attend Brody’s upcoming surprise party with Kristin, who seemed utterly excited about the event. In fact, practically the whole episode, she seemed obsessed with the secrecy around the party. First she warned everyone she knew not to let word out. Then when she got to the party, she marveled at how amazing it was that no one had actually spilled the beans. And then AFTER the party, she continued to reflect in awe about the lack of spoilers for the aforementioned surprise. I suppose it’s a natural response for the former hostess of Get This Party Started.
Anyway, the big problem for Kristin was that after having secured plans for Justin Bobby to arrive with her at the party, he was — surprise, surprise — a no show. To be fair, he was going to come, but he saw a really awesome oil slick on the side of the road that he had to roll around in for a few hours. Well, even without Justin Bobby, Kristin was able to have fun, quietly antagonizing Jayde by moving the party to her abode down the street, and — perhaps more importantly — currying greater favor with the Brodester’s surgically enhanced mother, Linda. I actually like Brody’s mom, despite her obvious attempts to be the “cool mom” that was so brilliantly portrayed by Amy Poehler in Mean Girls. Granted, I think it was a bit strange for Brody to be cackling about sex toys and joking about his bedroom activity RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, but hey, Linda seems very sweet, and truth be told, she can rock a bikini, despite being a viable candidate for AARP. Plus, most importantly, she likes Kristin more than Jayde, but then again, who wouldn’t? Jayde is a true piece of work, as best evidenced by her hissy fit at Brody’s party when he (the BIRTHDAY BOY) said he wanted to keep hanging out with all his friends, not go to dinner. The Playboy bunny stormed out, perhaps looking for another bottle of Jägermeister to gulp down and then throw at some random girl on the sidewalk. All class that one.
Later, the producers tried to insinuate that perhaps there was a burgeoning love reigniting between Brody and Kristin, but that all felt a bit insincere. The tension between Jayde and Kristin, however, appeared very real, and I hope the series focuses on that love triangle more than the dullsville feud playing out between Kristin, Audrina, and Justin Bobby. I can’t even talk about Audrina’s story this week because it was so boring. All that’s important to know is that she went on a date with Justin Bobby’s best friend, and Stephanie, whose face is getting more and more warped with every passing second, had reservations about the situation. Not very exciting stuff.
Anyway, let’s look at some photos.
“I’m really excited for Brody’s surprise party. I hope no one ruins the surprise. A LOT of people know. Like, I’d be amazed if it doesn’t get ruined. I really hope it doesn’t. I guess what I’m trying to say is that statistically, with the number of people coming, there’s a very high chance that the surprise will be ruined.”
Stacie: “Yeah, I get it.”
“Hey Justin Bobby, you wanna come with me to Brody’s surprise party? You can’t tell anyone about it though. It’s a surprise. He’s probably gonna find out about it though. There are just too many people that know about it. Why does that have to happen? Life is so FUCKING unfair! It’s a FUCKING surprise! Why can’t anyone keep their FUCKING mouths quiet for once???”
“Alright, alright. I won’t say anything. Btw, this romp in the ocean – that counts as a shower, right?”
Kristin: “Mmmm… you smell like starfish and old tires.”
“So I’m thinking about hanging out with Justin Bobby’s best friend. You know, the hot one. Apparently he showers sometimes; so I thought that might be nice.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about my ongoing quest to make my face look like a duck.”
“Gaaahs, I said no surpraaaahses. You totally lllaaahed to me.”
“Oh Kristin, I love you! I’m a cool mom, right? Tell me I’m cool. And hot. I’m a hot, cool mom. Don’t let go of me, Kristin. This moment is all I have. Is Brody’s whore girlfriend still standing there? I hate her. She’s not as hot as me. Or as cool. ACCEPT ME, KRISTIN. ACCEPT ME!”
“I need to be chugging something right now, and if it’s not gonna be cock, it better be Jäger. Where the HELL is the bartender?”
“Hey Jayde, keep walking. This is the end of our rellllllaaaytionship.”
“I think you’re pretty hot, you know?”
“Thanks! Do you think maybe you should keep your eye on the road?”
“Nah, it’ll be fine. I’m a very good drive– OH SHIT!”
“Aaagggghggh. Isn’t it… crazy… how all this… is happening… while Lauren’s… gone? Aggghahghg.”
“I’m really so impressed that no one told Brody about his surprise party. Like, I’m REALLY impressed. Isn’t that amazing? Good times…”
Brody: “Bet you didn’t know this, but my left hand has nine fingers.”
“FERTILIZE ME!”
What did you think about the episode?
Oh please! I look like such a fool sitting here looking at a computer monitor and laughing my ass off!
LOL at Audrina getting her head chopped off. Nice work.
For sure the best episode yet. For sure.
A few things…
I used to think Jayde was attractive, but then she opened her mouth.
I love when you make fun of how Brody talks.
Stephanie reminds me of this one time when I went to a wax museum. If you compared our pictures from that day to that picture of Steph, (we’re buds), you would definetely think the wax looks more like a human.
I can’t believe this is all happening while Lauren is gone!
I like the stop sign pic
caption–
Brody: “Bet you didn’t know this, but my left hand has nine fingers.”
now THAT one got me! LOL
puma boots
in last day i was read a article on your website and i was added a commet and ask a question but you didnt approval my commet. i didnt get my questions answer.