BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: A Happy Ending After All

Here’s a shocker: this season of Big Brother, which looked like it was gonna wind up with a miserable outcome, suddenly beat the odds and gave us a fan favorite as the victor. That’s right, Jordan brought her A-game to last night’s finale, winning not just the final HOH, but the whole damn show. The key for her was dropping Kevin, who surely would have won against her with the jury. Instead, by taking Natalie, Jordan managed to curry favor with her ex-roommates, who seemed equally annoyed with the Tae Kwon Do champion as the rest of America. I will admit that I really wanted to see Kevin win HOH and backstab Natalie, but while we missed out on that moment, we got a taste of it when Jessie, of all people, voted for Jordan to win. Natalie couldn’t even hide her disappointment. For the past month, she’s been babbling about being loyal to Jessie, and then when she needs him most, he up and screws her over. Hahaha. COSMIC JUSTICE.
Nevertheless, I was most delighted to see Jordan pull out the HOH victory, even if it meant flirting with disaster by having Natalie in the final two. Based on the jury segments, however, I felt fairly confident that Jordan could snag the big win. And speaking of those segments, I absolutely loved the little “roundtable” piece where Jeff pretty much spent the entire time making fun of Jessie and Lydia. It was like he was saying my exact thoughts. I especially liked his comment that it didn’t matter what age Natalie was, she acted as if she were twelve. To quote dearest Sheila from season nine, THANK YEW!
Overall, the two hour episode format was a great improvement as it gave the finale the time it always deserved. Gone were the overly rushed segments, and in its place a pretty solid Q&A with the houseguests, courtesy of Julie Chen who moderated the discussion quite well, despite being hampered with what looked like a blue bed sheet that had just fallen on top of her. You know, after a season of cute maternity garb, I don’t know why she would opt for something that looked like a glorified smock. But that’s why we love Julie. You never know what she’ll do next.
As for the jury, I was really hoping they’d grill Natalie about her lies more. Michele touched on it a bit when she slyly called her an eighteen year old, but where was the most obvious question of all: “How can you claim to have been honest and maintained your word when you’ve lied about your age the entire game.” BAM. That would have totally thrown her off guard. But instead, the jury kept it polite, only asking variations of “Why do you deserve to win?” I loved having the final stage of the HOH comp play out in the finale, but alas, the taped jury segments of seasons past were better, if only because they were so much more vitriolic.
Still, the one I was rooting for won; so I really can’t complain. And even better, Natalie got stuck with a totally unheralded exit from the house. While the confetti flew for Jordan and everyone hugged her, Natalie quietly moseyed down the catwalk, giving high fives to the one or two people who either noticed or cared. It was so sad yet so perfect.
Sigh. And now the season is over. Pictures after the jump!

“Good evening, I’m Julie Chen. And you’ll be staring at my Snuggie all night long.”

“Basically, my stylists just gave up.”

“Oh look. Saran Wrap. Hey Jordan, I once ate a whole roll of Saran Wrap. HA! Just kidding. You just got pranked by an eighteen year old, WHICH I AM!”

“And now, as Dean of Big Brother, I’d like to introduce the graduating class of 2009.”

“Check it out, I’m like Shotgun Tom Brady Meets Michael Phelps Russell The Love Muscle!”

“I wish this pool cue was Jessie’s manhood. UGH, I’m so over not holding his penis.”

Lydia: “Hey Natalie, way to be a wannabe Flavor Flav! Doesn’t she realize it’s all about being a wannabe hipster? UGH.”

“Calm down there, Edna Garrett.”

“Hey, look at my hands. I guess you could call me Shotgun Gesticulates Like A Sims Character Russell The Love Muscle!”

“UGH, I’m so OVER making points that have no logic.”

“Settle down, Mrs. Poole.”

“Hahaha, that was a good one. Just call me Shotgun Lil’ Giggles Russell The Love Muscle!”

“Don’t mind me. My friends always call me Shotgun AND HERE’S ANOTHER THING I’D LIKE TO SAY Russell The Love Muscle.”

Chenbot: “Kevin, I have been summoned here by the royal order of Viacom Robot Monks. Are you ready for your mission?”
Kevin: “Julie, I’m scaaaared!”

“I’ll just wait here patiently, much as I waited patiently to receive the scores of my SATs, which I just took on account of being an impressionable teenager, WHICH I AM!”

Lydia: “UGH. I’m so OVER finishing my sentence.”

The moment when America collectively pulls a Kevin (hands on face, dread in eyes).

And the moment when America finally lets out a two-week long sigh of relief.

“Jordan, a lot of people might call me a dirty player, but that’s only because I don’t shower. However, what I lack in hygiene, I make up for in loyalty. I’ve been true to my alliance, and I’ve kept my word, which would be expected since honesty is very important to me and the value system I’ve established as an eighteen year old girl, WHICH I AM.”

“Jordan, I hope you pick me because, well, I smell a whole of a lot better than this bitch next to me. Also, if you evict me, there are like people out there, and you guyyyys, I’m scared of them!”

“This is a really hard decision for me, and there’s no hard feelings. I just have to do what’s best for me, and I thought about this all night. I even woke up at like I think three in the morning. The big hand was at like the one and the little hand was by the eight; so what is that? Five in the morning maybe? I don’t know. Gosh this is really hard.”

“Check it out. You just got slapped five by Shotgun Forgot To Button Up My Shirt (Oh Well!) Russell The Love Muscle!”

“Oh my God, you guuuuyyyyyssss. People are touching me. I’m scaaaaared!”

“Jessie, I’m waiting.”

C:\ Chenbot [monk robe] insert key
; turn \ right
; error
; [404] unexpected blue fabric in slot

“Well, my strategy in this game was to lay under the radar and fly low and not trust anyone, but then I trusted everyone; so then I was like dangit! Maybe I should trust three people, but then I thought no, I wanna trust four, but then I trusted one, and then I was like maybe I should be myself; so I just was myself and then I was like maybe I should have a tuna sandwich, but there WAS no tuna sandwich! So I was like shoot, maybe a salad? But I don’t really like salad that much. I mean, I like some salads, but not like the really fancy ones with apples and stuff; so then I was like–“

“My strategy was to a) not shower, b) be annoying, and c) apply all the social lessons I learned in college… which is a RIDICULOUS notion since obviously I haven’t even GONE to college on account of me being just eighteen years old, WHICH I AM.”

Natalie: “Well, I was true to my alliance, and I was true to my word the entire game.”
Russell: “I’m not buying it. There’s a reason they call me Shotgun Something Smells Fishy And It’s Not ‘Cause You Haven’t Showered In Ten Days Russell The Love Muscle.”

“I just wanna say that I played the game the only way I knew how, and no one had to carry me except for Jeff, but then he left; so then I was like okay, I have to do this myself, and I won the HOH, and I did it all by myself, and I didn’t even know what time it was the entire game, but I was like okay, well, I’m just gonna make moves that will advance me, which is what I did, and, uh, sometimes when I was in the kitchen, I’d be like ‘I’m gonna say something that’ll be strategic,’ but then I wouldn’t say it because there were ants everywhere, and I wanted to get rid of them, which was strategic in my mind because if you don’t have ants, then maybe people might like that, and–“
Julie: “Your minute is up.”

“I think I deserve the half million dollar prize because I won no competitions except one that was pure luck (did you see my hawt Holly Hobby shirt that I wore that day?). And the fact that I’m still here says a lot. Jeff put me up against Jessie because he said we were running the house; so obviously I had power. Either that or he nominated me to deprive Jessie of a vote to stay. But I don’t think that was the case. Anyway, I know I might be babbling, but I’m just so giddy and excited, a state made worse by the fact that I’m already an energetic teenage girl, WHICH I AM.”

“I’d just like to say that for the record, Michele is not the worst person ever. Also, please don’t ever make me walk more than ten feet. I am sweatin’ out here!”

Jordan: “SHUT UP! You’ve been lying to me this entire time?”
Natalie: “Yes, but only because I’m AWFUL.”

“I’m kind of a waste of space.”

“Dangit, these shorts are right up in my lady junction. I’m not still on TV, am I?”

C:\ Chenbot [pull key]
Output: THANK GOD

“I won? Does this mean I get to leave the house now? Because I was thinking that maybe if I lost, they’d keep me in here, and I was like shoot, I gotta get back to work, but then I thought, no, they wouldn’t keep me in here. So I was like well maybe I should just ask because they’d probably know the answer. If I was here alone I bet I’d get the HOH room. That would be nice.”