HOUSEWIVES RECAP: Augmenting The Drama

I suppose Tuesday night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was the calm before the storm. That’s because next week, we’re already at the much-hyped season finale where tables are flipped, fingers are pointed, and bellows of “WHHHHOORREEEEE!!!!” are screamed across all of Bergen county. Yeah, it’s gonna be a doozy, and I personally can’t wait. But for now, we have last night’s pleasant but rather uneventful episode to contend with. Coming off the drama of “THE BOOK,” I was really hoping this installment would build on the tension in Franklin Lakes, but it instead it served as a bit of a palate cleanser. The dominating stories pertained mostly to boob jobs and photo shoots gone awry, which was all fine and good, but none of the Danielle drama Bravo hyped up in its promos ever really came to fruition. Sure, the Cougar broke up with her cup — in a dingy local diner, of all places — but aside from some quivering chin action, there really wasn’t much more to the story line than that.
Amusingly though, after having dumped her boytoy over the Early Bird Special, Danielle then sat down her two girls and told them that even though things were kaput with Steve, he still wanted to be there for the girls and take an active role in their lives. Sadly, the only one who actually believed this was Danielle. Not even the girls put any faith in this dumb story, citing previous suitors who have failed to live up to their promises. It’s actually kind of depressing seeing how jaded the kids were, but the eldest one spoke the truth when she postulated that men were only interested in Danielle’s “goodies.” This led to an uncomfortable moment as America recoiled at the thought of using the term “goodies” in association with Danielle’s snatch. It’s kind of like calling rotting compost a “candy pile.” Anyway, this is getting entirely too graphic, and I apologize.

Sadly for Danielle, she had no shoulder to cry on in the post-Steve breakup period. That’s because her alleged BFF Jacqueline had since distanced herself from her after all those scandalous allegations in “THE BOOK.” Now Jacqueline was spending more time with The Great Leader of Tomorrow that is her daughter, Ashley. The two decided to do a photo shoot together (paging Sherayay Whitfield!), and so they headed down to the studio of renowned photographer Mr. Whatshisface, whose claim to fame had been shooting CariDee from America’s Next Top Model. If that’s not a showstopper, I don’t know what is.
Well, this seemingly benign detour turned into a fullscale meltdown in the most wonderful of ways. Ashley seemed utterly flummoxed by the usage of a fan to blow her hair, and as she struggled to be model-esue (reserve your laughter, please), Jacqueline attempted to provide motherly support by saying things like “Just be comfortable” and “Be yourself.” Ashley of course took this as a personal critique (because obvs she WAS being comfortable and herself, and if that comes off as awkward, then I guess that means that her mom must think she’s awkward in general and what the hell does she know anyway I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER!). Soon, Ashely’s insecurities reduced her to a teary mess, and she stormed off the set in a fit of anger and sadness. It was sort of like that one scene in Mad Men when Pegs made a voice-over lady cry in the recording booth. Except where that was artful and riveting, this was just funny.
Anyway, Jacqueline coaxed her daughter back onto the set for a strained mother-daughter pic, and then afterwards, when looking at all the shots, Ashley disparaged the photographer’s work, saying that she disliked ALL the photos. To think that she said this to the man who shot CARIDEE! I was embarrassed for her. But seriously, the photos weren’t really anything special. I blame the model more than the photographer though.
While Jacqueline dealt with this ridiculous mess, the Manzo sisters and Teresa went off to Atlantic City where they stayed at the very classy and “opulet” (Dina’s word) Water Club at the Borgata. Dina spent most of the time bemoaning the absence her wayward daughter Lexi, and for good reason. The two of them together are truly hilarious. When they were reunited in the episode, their banter actually had me laughing out loud. Gotta love any girl who buys a shirt in Cyprus that says “SHOE WHORE.” And yes, I was cackling like none other when they put that strange outfit on their hairless cat (amusingly named Grandma Wrinkle). As you can imagine, the kitty was not pleased, but Dina took the feline rejection in stride, suggesting that maybe their other cat Ladybug would enjoy it. Now let’s all take a moment to laugh at those cat names: GRANDMA WRINKLE AND LADYBUG. Hahahahhaahaha. I love the Manzos.
But back to Atlantic City. I nearly got up and threw my TV out the window watching Teresa choose an outfit to wear to the pool. First of all, she brought ten gazillion outfits anyway, which was excessive for a two night stay. Second, she seemed to take thirty minutes choosing which dumb shoes to match which dumb bangles and earrings and necklaces etc.. The poor Manzo sisters looked like they wanted to kill themselves. Then, after spending forever picking out a hat to wear, she emerged in the pool area donning the largest, silliest, floppiest hat one could imagine. It’s like an oversized chanterelle mushroom had just fallen onto her head.
Of course, after spending an eternity selecting this stupid accessory, it was off in two seconds as Teresa submitted her bronzed body to further torture from the sun. Melanomas be damned, she was gonna enjoy this moment. The only thing that was missing were her bubbies. Yes, poor Teresa really had no cleavage whatsoever. I’m not one to usually advocate plastic surgery, but she really needed something in there. And so Teresa consulted her husband about the situation over dinner at a restaurant where their three daughters screamed and cried and climbed all around. Note that at no time did either parent tell their kids to STOP. They just gave them more toys to play with [shaking head in dismay]. Anyway, the two lovebirds questioned their waiter, asking him if he liked breasts, to which he said yes and then immediately walked away — almost as if he hoped that what just happened was merely a bad dream.
Long story short — Teresa got her boobs did. She has yet to show them in their glory, but from under her sweatshirt, they looked to be a solid improvement. All’s well that ends well. And next week, we have fighting. Can’t wait!
Sadly, Bravo didn’t put up any photos from last night’s show. I’ve waited a day since I wrote this, but I’m not gonna wait any longer. If pics come up, I’ll be sure to photocap it…
What did you think about Tuesday’s episode? How would you compare the women as mothers?