Last week, I posted a viral video of a turtle humping a shoe. The most shocking part of the entire ordeal was the discovery that male turtles apparently make tiny squeeze doll noises with each libidinous thrust  sounds I’d expect more from Paula Abdul than a Koopa Troopa. Nevertheless, my friend sawgee immediately pointed me in the direction of yet another turtle porno clip, and this one, I’m proud to say, involved the participation of two amphibious creatures (and not a soulless remnant from Foot Locker). The cute sounds are still there, but I wouldn’t call this mating ritual terribly romantic. It has a certain barbaric, borderline rape-y quality thanks to the alpha turtle’s relentless headbutting of his sexual victim. Disturbing, hilarious, and intriguing â€â€Ã‚ what more can you ask for?
And just for shits and horrified giggles, after the jump is a video of tortoises doing the nasty. The sounds are deeper and significantly more disturbing (at times the tortoise sounds like a nasty old man pleasuring himself), but you’ll be the star of the cocktail party when you announce “I just saw a tortoise threesome!” Trust me, it’s a great opener.