OC HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

If you’re anything like me, you’re still recovering from the double-dose of horrendous behavior that Bravo served up with its back to back pairing of The Real Housewives of Orange County and New York City. Both hours provided a dizzying amount of hilarious antics that I fear someday will be used by cultural anthropologists to unfairly characterize our society. I’m gonna table discussion of our NYC wives for the moment in favor of our blondies out West, who all convened at a seaside party brimming with one-upsmanship and bitchiness. Yes, as is the tradition, all the women and their families got together for a season-ending bash, which I imagine was supposed to be a lighthearted affair, but nothing with these ladies is ever so simple.
First, Vicki pranced around with her new Rolex watch, which — she happily noted — she bought for herself. I didn’t think there was anything inherently wrong with the purchase, but Vicki’s nonstop yammering was a bit gaudy. I’m not sure anyone really cared one way or another about the stupid thing, especially Lauri, who probably has a shower curtain made of Rolex watches. Meanwhile, Tamra’s husband dragged her off to a private cabana to present her with a pricey bracelet for no real reason other than to perhaps prove to America that he can afford such a bauble. As you can imagine, shrill peels of delight ensued. Yes, gift-giving was all wonderful when diamonds and Rolexes were involved, but then when Gretchen pulled all the girls together and handed them Coach change purses, Vicki and Tamra privately scoffed at the gesture, going so far as to call it insincere. Hey ladies, it’s a GIFT. The proper response is THANK YOU.

Oh, but things went from icy to catty very, very quickly as poor, dying Jeff gave Gretchen a shiny new Harley in the parking lot. The bubbly blonde was beyond excited, and she should have been. It was a sweet gift that expressed both her and Jeff’s personalities. I suppose it might have been a little tacky for Gretchen to summon the other girls to come look at it, but quite honestly, Vicki and Tamra’s hostile response was a bit outrageous. Vicki turned her nose up entirely, saying the gift was just a ploy for attention. This was then promptly followed by footage of the Vickster jutting her arm forward and further boasting about her stupid watch. Props to the editors for taking her down a few pegs. If only there were a football that could have come careening out of nowhere to bop her in the head.
I also enjoyed Vicki’s damning accusation that Gretchen was simply too old to be wanting to ride around on a Harley. This coming from the woman who gets drunk at Lake Havasu and waves at college boys. Of course, Tamra didn’t feel she was too old to ride a hot pink Harley (emphasis on HOT), but clearly Vicki’s words struck a nerve with her because in the wake of all the attention Gretchen was receiving, we soon found Tamra off in the corner, furiously applying makeup as if her life and HOTNESS depended on it. I could almost hear her inner-monologue: “C’mon, Tamra. You’ve still got it. You’re the HOT housewife! You’re not old! You’re HOT!”
The simple truth is that Tamra is over the hill. Does she look good for 41? Of course. Is she the hottest thing since sliced bread (which is very hot)? No. But rather than embrace the concept of aging gracefully, Tamra opts instead to undercut her nearest threat, ie. Gretchen. This week, she wrote off the Harley gift as some sort of demented manifestation of Gretchen’s infatuation with HER. That’s right. Tamra even went so far as to accuse Gretchen of being a stalker. Yes, apparently two women can’t simultaneously desire a motorcycle (or a dirty martini with a blue cheese stuffed olive, for that matter). Tamra was at her snivelingly worst this episode, and I absolutely can’t wait for her to get hers on the reunion next week.
As for the other housewives, things were pretty calm and docile. Jeana went on her date with what appeared to be the captain of the Love Boat, and later showed up at the party with a bit more cleavage than usual. Tamra also bristled at this, perhaps forgetting that she’s the queen of egregious mammary displays. Seriously, the bitch gets threatened by everyone. Luckily, Lynn put her in her place, albeit by accident. When Tamra announced that she had a herniated disk, Lynn nodded empathetically before noting that her dachshund just went through that. To be fair, it was her HOT dachshund; so Tamra shouldn’t feel too bad.
Also attending the party were several alumni of the show, including Lauri, Tammy, and Jo, who looked sort of like a trampy version of Cleopatra. Not making the cut was boring born-again cougar Quinn, who must have been busy seducing silent golf pros and discussing the ludicrous theory of evolution. Luckily for us, Slade Smiley made an appearance, thus increasing the douche quotient tenfold. Tamra happily called him a “homo” before she remembered that oops, she was on Bravo. It’s like using the “n” word on BET.
All in all, it was a highly entertaining way to end a highly entertaining season. Long live the nouveau riche!

Gretchen: “Hey, where’s Tamra? I need to steal a lock of her hair, on account of my STALKING her.”

“Simon, what is this? And does it have a high melting point? I wouldn’t want to ruin it with my HOTNESS.”

“Look! A Harley! Just like Tamra, who I just simply can’t stop STALKING!”

“Oh my gosh! It’s a message from Jeff! He said he gave me the Harley because he knows how much I want to be like Tamra!”

“Be careful. I don’t want to singe you. It happens a lot because I’m so HOT.”

“Someone tell my daughters to get away from the celery sticks. The last thing they need is more calories.”

“Simon, why have you taken me to this cabana? Is this like the HOT cabana?”

“Yoohoo! Garçon! Another drink for me, the HOT housewife! Why are you laughing?”

“Wow, Ryan, you just don’t give up, do you? Can’t you just recede away, like your hairline?”

“I wanted to give you this bracelet, Tamra, to represent the HOT bond we have.”

“Donn, you’re sweating. Is it because I’m so HOT? Because I can step away if you’d like.”

Trying too hard, Colton.