Feeling desperate? Suffer from blindness? Deafness? Lacking any senses in particular? Well, if you have a few extra bucks, this might be just what you need to spice up your life: a date with American Idol’s Constantine Maroulis, the living incarnation of baklava (and just as sticky!). It’s an opportunity too wonderful/smarmy to pass up! Just imagine yourself at dinner, staring into those beady little eyes of his, two dreamy bags puffing out underneath like magnificent pillows of gorgeousness. He runs his hand through his greasy, unwashed hair and then caresses your face, leaving an oily smear of grandeur along your cheek. While you reach for your napkin, you notice his shirt is unbuttoned to the navel, revealing a hirsute series of flab rolls piled atop each other like a werewolf version of the Michelin Man. It’s damn near impossible to look away from this hairy ode to jiggles, but then there’s that smile. That beautiful, mousy smile. Who needs an upper lip when you’ve got a chin that resembles a perfectly sculpted anus? He has the total package.
And all you have to do is pay over $2,000 for the experience. Yes, this dream date is being auctioned off as part of the charity fundraiser (emphasis on charity), Rock Against Diabetes. The winner will get to accompany Constantine to the event, which will be hosted by — you guessed it — Dick Donato (a.k.a. Evel Dick of Big Brother 8). Constantine and Dick on the same date? And you out $2,000? Sounds like the best night ever!
If for some reason this sounds appetizing to you, then a) you may be suffering from a brain tumor, and b) feel free to get more information here. My suggestion: donate to the cause, forgo the douchebag has-beens.
• Date with Constantine Maroulis currently being auctioned for $2,000 [Reality Blurred]
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