GOSSIP GIRL? Stephanie Pratt Attempts To Be The Universal Sidekick

The second half of The Hills season is only a few episodes old, but already She-Spencer, née Stephanie Pratt, has already turned out to be a breakout star. The first instinct is to hate her as she is a descendent of the Pratt lineage, but her naughty manipulations and Iago-esque troublemaking have made her the next great guilty pleasure of this series. Somehow, she’s managed to befriend nearly everyone, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she popped up on the next episode with her new BFF, Lisa Love. She’s a sneaky girl — not unlike Kristin Cavallari. And like that former Laguna star, after a while, it seems inevitable that we’ll just have to give ourselves over to Stephanie’s charms. Sigh. Might as well do it now.

This second episode from Monday night started off at the rarest of locations: SCHOOL. That’s right, in case you forgot, Lauren is still a student; although, you’d never know it based on what appears to be a lack of homework or stress or, you know, classes. I guess that’s all off camera. Nevertheless, we returned to FIDM (a.k.a. the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising) where Lauren was not only in class, but she was wearing… glasses! How very studious. I think that was her way of saying, “I’m being smart right now!”
Well, if FIDM was a rare sight, it was nothing compared to what we saw next: a fat, older woman. Whaaa??? How dare this woman enter the Hills universe. Yes, the professor of Lauren’s new class was some lady who looked like her name might have be Bernice. She didn’t really seem like she belonged at FIDM, let alone The Hills. It was then that I realized Lauren’s glasses weren’t to aid her reading but rather to shield her eyes from this decidedly unpretty person who had deigned to cross her path.

“I got these at Lens Crafters. It took about an hour!”

Anyway, Professor Bernice got busy with the roll call, and unsurprisingly, she seemed to drop any “r” that she could, calling one girl “Amba” and pronouncing someone else’s last name, “Usha” instead of “Usher.” Where did this Hills interloper come from, and how was Lauren not breaking out into hives?

“My daughter is the Snapple lady.”

Well, aside from the incongruous presence of Bernice, everything seemed to be going fine that morning until Lauren heard the dreaded name: “Stephanie Pratt?” That’s right, Bernice had just called the name of Spencer’s sister. But why? Could she possibly be in the same school, let alone the same class? The answer, my friends, is yes. In walked She-Spencer, so harried by her tardiness that she didn’t even notice Lauren (although, you’d think she’d know something was up given that there were already cameras in there). Lauren, on the other hand, totally saw Stephanie, and it only took about two milliseconds before she was shooting daggers with her famously expressive eyes. Eventually, She-Spencer took her seat, saw Lauren, and recoiled in shock. HOW COULD THIS BE??? Why, it’s almost as if the producers had arranged it! (Although, I hear rumors to the contrary. Whatever, I really don’t care. When people get in a tizzy about The Hills being staged, I simply don’t understand. Does it really matter? Really?)

“Wh-wh-wh-whaaaa?”

After the opening credits, we learned the name of this episode: “An Unexpected Friend.” Ooooooh. I’ll assume that’s a reference to Stephanie, unless there’s some magical elf that’s due to pop up later in the show. Anyway, speaking of unexpected, we soon found ourselves in New York City of all places where Whitney was arriving at the Manhattan offices of People’s Revolution. For those of you with short attention spans, People’s Revolution is Whitney’s new company, and it’s helmed by the frazzle-tastic Kelly Cutrone, a fashion publicist who has happily compared herself to the devil. I’m not sure if she’s truly Satan, as I always imagined him to be a bit more calm and collected and, I don’t know, NOT AWFUL, but I can see how she’s a close second.
Anyway, Whitney showed up in the office, and already, Kelly was barking and frantic — to the point where you could see the trickle-down effect on her office. Say what you will about Brent Bolthouse and Lisa Love, but their calm demeanors are certainly reflected in their workplaces. As for the unfortunate peons at People’s Revolution, they seemed stressed, busy, and overwhelmed. It didn’t help that their office was a magnet for clutter (same goes for the L.A. branch). It was worse than the Teen Vogue closet space that Whitney used to inhabit, and that’s saying something.
But I digress. Kelly summoned Whit to her inner sanctum and explained that normally, she’d give her all the rules to the job (as evidenced by a monstrous handbook that was probably just a collection of post-its and napkins and whatever else Kelly could find to jot down her latest fleeting thoughts). However, since this was Fashion Week in New York City, she simply didn’t have time to go over all the rules. She was going to just throw Whitney into the fire. HOW VERY DEVILISH. Oh Kelly Cutrone. I so know her type: always frantic, always in a rush, never has “time,” constantly demanding, and generally a pain. I have no doubt that she’s probably very smart, but good God, I much more respect the measured authority of Lisa Love.
Anyway, Kelly did have time for one important rule: “Just so you know,” she said, “you have to wear black… everyone wears black.” She then added, “Because we’re CLICHÉ.” Look, I know in Manhattan, black is the new black, and I’m sure the same goes for fashion (so much for self-expression), but honestly, actually codifying this into an official rule seems a bit severe. Oh well. I guess it’s not surprising that when you name your company “People’s Revolution,” the first thing you get is OPPRESSION.
Kelly then brought Whitney over to meet some designers — two power lesbian types (think Jackie Warner meets central Europe), one of whom was named Heidi. Great. Another one. With a certain degree of sadistic joy, Kelly announced that Whitney would be working with these ladies until 3 A.M.. That’s a long time to be with two power lesbians. Whitney was gonna get eaten alive (assuming she didn’t fall down any staircases first).

“I don’t know whether to fuck her or to punch her.”

Back at FIDM, Bernice was still babbling on (about “computahs” and stuff), and then as quickly as it began, we immediately left the scene. Huh? What was up with the random Bernice moment? How very uncharacteristic. We then headed over to some lovely restaurant where Heidi and Kimberly were enjoying a leisurely lunch, happy to be free from their cubicle hell. Suddenly, Heidi received a text from Stephanie about Lauren being in her class. Ahhhhh… so that’s why we only had a flash of Bernice: to establish some cross-cutting action. Well, Heidi was quite surprised by this news and jokingly told She-Spencer to go say hi to LC.
Meanwhile, Lauren was busy doing her own texting, and to be sure no prying Pratt eyes could see, she carefully turned her back away from Steph. Smooth, Lauren. Real smooth… Anyway, LC texted Audrina, who was so shocked she had to share the news with her work sidekick, Chiara. Being the good aspiring sidekick that she is, Chiara registered acceptable levels of dumbfoundedness before asking, “So…. can I be part of your group now?”
We then headed back to New York where Whitney was knee deep in power lesbianism. The designers (who are actually from Australia) were doing a fitting for their line, Sass & Bide, and it should be noted that they were NOT wearing black. There was some discussion about pants and how the model was wearing them, with Whitney deigning to tell the power lesbians how their clothes should fit the model. I half expected Heidi to slam Whitney up against the wall and say, “Look, pretty thing. What I say GOES!”
However, I completely misread the situation because it turns out that the women liked Whitney’s point. A job well done! Then again, maybe they were just buttering her up for some after hours sapphic action.
Back in Los Angeles, Audrina walked into the apartment and complained, “I’m tired,” to which Lauren through her arms up with exasperation. I half expected her to say, “Um, hello. It’s not your show. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT STEPHANIE.”
Sure enough, the two girls babbled away about the situation, with Audrina declaring that “It’s really, really random that she’d be in your class.” Random indeed. Funny how so many random things always conveniently happen on The Hills…
Ultimately, Lauren said, “I hope she just leaves me alone.” Yeah, good luck with that. She’s a Pratt. They’re a very tenacious brood.
It only took about three minutes before we saw Stephanie not leave Lauren alone. After the commercial break, we returned to FIDM where some Asian girl had the unlucky fortune to be seated directly between Steph and LC. She might as well have erected a small sign that said, “The most awkward place IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.”

In a (not so) surprise move, Steph actually walked over to Lauren and apologized to her for yelling at her at the club earlier this season. Lauren replied with a nice touch of passive-aggression, saying she too was sorry for being a bitch in response to Stephanie’s previously established bitchy behavior. She might as well have said, “I’m sorry that I reacted negatively to you being SO AWFUL.” Yes, quite the conciliatory note.
Stephanie then apologized for her brother’s behavior, saying, “He’s a jerk sometimes… I’m just going to stay out of whatever.” Yes, and by “I’m going to stay out of whatever,” she meant, “I plan to meddle early and meddle often.”
Ultimately, Steph concluded this peace mission by offering one last apology. “I’m really sorry,” she said, adding, “Soo…. can I be in the opening credits now?”
In other uncomfortable situations around the country, we soon found Whitney working at the Sass & Bide fashion show, which meant we could see Lady Cutrone in all her stressed-out glory. Whitney’s job was to call models onto the runway (à la Mr. Jay on ANTM), and while everything seemed to be hunky dory at first, it wasn’t long before the models somehow got all out of order. One of the power lesbians seemed to have a nervous breakdown, and before we knew it, all sorts of exotic names were being urgently bandied about. Tatia! Hollis! Omarosa! Okay, maybe not that last one. Everything worked out in the end, and amazingly, Kelly made it through the entire show without having a complete meltdown. Afterwards, she gave a postmortem to Whitney, happily saying that the Sass & Bide fitting proved she had a voice and as a result, “we’re gonna expect a lot from you.” Whitney just nodded along, as if to say, “You don’t happen to have any staircases in your office, do you? Because that could be a problem.”

“Hey Whitney, do you like my Bobcat Goldthwait impression?”

Back at Heidi’s apartment, Stephanie was doing a great job NOT getting into the middle of things by helping the Heidster paint her walls. Seriously, how many times does this damn apartment need to be painted. By the end of this season, the living room will have shrunk a square foot thanks to all the layers of Benjamin Moore they’ve slapped on these walls.
Anyway, the sight of the paint soon made Heidi nostalgic, as it was the same color as when she lived with “HER.” And no, she wasn’t referring to her mom Darlene. She was talking about Lauren. There was some back and forth between Steph and Heidi, the general gist of it I’ve kind of forgotten. I think Heidi just told She-Spencer to stay away from Lauren. Unfortunately, that would get in the way of Steph’s carefully arranged meddling schedule; so we knew that wouldn’t happen.

“So… we’re done with the painting, right?”

Over at Hollywood martini bar Lola’s, Lauren faced a cabal of dissent from Lo and Audrina, who seem none too pleased that their leader was not only taking on a third sidekick but a Pratt sidekick, no less. They warned her to be careful with She-Spencer, noting that she shouldn’t put herself in a vulnerable position. Lauren appreciated their advice but ultimately spurned it, asking, “What’s she gonna do to me, you know?” Oh, I don’t know. Maybe spread vicious rumors about you to everyone? Or shiv you with paring knife. Either/or.
Later, we found Heidi with her sidekick, Kimberly, also talking about the unlikely Steph-LC alliance. She babbled on and on, discussing all the complexities and the ironies of the situation while Kimberly just muttered “Yeah… Yeah…” over and over again. It was a fairly uninspired scene, mostly because Kimberly probably wanted to just talk about this mysterious “Danny” person again, but alas, a sidekick must always know her role, and that usually means unfiltered SILENCE.
Meanwhile, Spencer was busy doing what he loves most: sitting on a couch. Yes, we found him hanging out at his sister’s condo, seemingly a prisoner to her Crate & Barrel furnishings. Steph, who appeared to be very Kate Hudson-esque, told her brother, “I’m sick of choosing sides.” Quite the amusing statement coming from a girl who seems to be enjoying all the sides she IS taking. All the more attention for her.
Steph then made fun of Spence, saying, “You’re so lame. You’re so homeless and so lame. You’re a real candidate for Heidi. Pretty Heidi, LOSER SPENCER.” Ouch. Those Pratts do not mince words. And the answer is yes, I was heartily chuckling through this.
For whatever reason, Stephanie then implored Spencer to open up to her, even though she had just taken great joy in ridiculing him in his sad state. He steadfastly refused to tell her what was on his mind, which was probably a good idea, given that she had now cozied up to all of his sworn enemies. Stephanie took umbrage in this but tried anyway extract information: “I am your sister,” she said, adding, “You don’t understand: no one in Hills history has been sidekicks to three separate people simultaneously. Please Spencer. PLEASE!”
Alas, it was a no go, but that’s okay. Steph still gets sidekick status to her brother because ultimately, we know her allegiance will always be to him. In the meantime though, she donned her best (read: most ridiculous) headband and engaged in some buddy-buddy girl talk with her new bestie, Lauren. I have to say that this is the second time I’ve seen an idiotic headband on reality TV this week (the first being Countess Luann’s silly niece on The Real Housewives of New York City). I sincerely hope this trend does not catch on like that unfortunate high-waisted pant thing I’ve been seeing lately. How can something so close to Mom Jeans be so welcomed?

“They call me Little Sparrow Who Gossips Like The Wind.”

Nevertheless, with her headband firmly in place, Pocahanphanie casually derided her brother again to Lauren, who responded quite warmly to the bashing. “I can’t hate you for being a nice person,” she said, striking an ominous note in all the viewers, I’m sure.
Steph went on to describe how hard it was for her in the middle because now she always feels like she’s “treading on thin ice.” That’s right. She wasn’t just treading lightly, nor was she on thin ice. She was treading on thin ice.
Mixed metaphors aside, Lauren felt compassion for She-Spencer, asking, “Are you allowed to talk to me? I’m not kidding. I don’t want to get you in trouble.” She then added, “BUT I DO.”
Okay, I’m sure she didn’t verbalize the last part, but even she had to take some perverse delight in turning Spencer’s own sister against him. Or did she? I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to discover the degree to which Stephanie is loyal to her brother. What did you think about the episode? Is this new alliance smart?