What Your Car Says About You

“I’m sensible; so I cradle my head in my hand. But I’m a little wild; so I only use ONE hand. That’s why I drive an Accord.”

Earlier this week, Forbes ventured into the world of unspoken gender truths when it published the semi-provocative article titled “What Your Car Says To The Opposite Sex.” The writer, Jacqueline Mitchell, performed a fairly thorough, albeit unscientific analysis of various vehicle brands and came to some amusing, insightful, and sometimes colorful conclusions about how a car can reflect upon an owner. While I felt Mitchell’s take was by and large accurate, I think there’s more to be said. After the jump, both the Forbes and B-Side Blog take on what a car says to the opposite sex (or actually any sex in general).

Volvo S40

Base Price: $24,365
What Forbes Says: The woman who drives this car is often in her 30s, college-educated and likely isn’t status-conscious. She is more concerned about the welfare of her family and friends than about image.
What I Say: Additionally, the woman who drives this car mostly likely is named Suze. She loves red wine, but after two glasses she is OUT! When feeling sassy, she watches Project Runway, but admittedly, she always falls asleep just before the runway show. She’s fun to banter with, but you’ll never invite her to social occasions.

Audi RS4

Base Price: $66,910
What Forbes Says: The Audi RS4 driver is a well-rounded man who wants a functional, practical, stylish and high-performance car in one package. He is highly successful and confident, and is comfortable shopping on Rodeo Drive or doing business on Park Avenue.
What I Say: This guy’s name is probably Peter, and while he’s very nice, he’s also one of the more boring people to encounter at the office. He never seems to have anything interesting to talk about. You can’t talk to him about TV because he doesn’t pay attention to it much (except Lost, but he doesn’t even follow that very carefully), and movies are a lost cause. Politics are out because chances are he’s your superior, and you don’t want to enter awkward territory, and when it comes to sports, you can tell he’s already used up his best banter that morning with his associate Mitchell at the Hong Kong office. The only exception is golf, which is something you mentioned once by accident, and ever since then, Peter thinks you always want to talk about it, which you don’t.

Jaguar XF

Base Price: $49,975
What Forbes Says: The woman behind the wheel of the Jaguar XF is an educated and highly successful woman. She surrounds herself with the finer things in life and is equally as likely to be single or married.
What I Say: Additionally, the woman who drives this car is most likely named Diane, and she’ll damn well be a bitch because that’s her own goddamn right. She likes to start sentences with “Look, I didn’t get to where I am now by being [insert relevant adjective],” and if she sees someone else having fun, she’ll happily give them a reality check with a surly, jaded “Well, let me tell you about–“. As in, if you’re talking about the fun you had in Europe, she’ll say, “Well, let me tell you about Europe. IT’S NOT FUN.” And if you say, “Well, maybe your version of fun is different than my version of fun,” she’ll either respond with “Well, let me tell you about fun. I know how to have it. I didn’t get to where I am now by being unfun.” And so on and so forth.

Porsche 911

Base Price: $72,400
What Forbes Says: This man knows what he wants and sets out to get it. He won’t settle. He is focused, determined and driven to succeed and likes to reward himself for achieving his goals
What I Say: This man is also balding, self-obsessed, and possibly suffering a mid-life crisis. There may or may not be a coke habit involved too.

Lexus RX 350

Base Price: $37,500
What Forbes Says: Behind the wheel of this car is a married mother who is a college-educated professional and takes great pride in herself and her accomplishments. She surrounds herself with luxurious things because she has the money to pamper herself. But she doesn’t make frivolous purchases; she wants luxury that fulfills a purpose and performs a function.
What I Say: This woman’s name is Lorie, and she loves to detail the burdens of being a mother and a professional. When she’s not dropping the kids off at school, rushing to a meeting, or enjoying a yoga-lates class, she’s growing increasingly distant from her husband of nine years, who may or may not be thinking about buying a Porsche 911. Lorie is also prone to talking at length on her cell phone in traffic — where, incidentally, it’s not uncommon for her to accidentally veer into another person’s lane. Oddly enough, while she spends a good amount of time tailgating other drivers, at traffic lights, it seems to take her ten seconds before she realizes the light’s turned green. Lorie, in short, is a terrible driver.

Volkswagen R32

Base Price: $32,990
What Forbes Says: This guy is most likely in his 40s, successful and outgoing. He seeks a high-performance car and has the money to buy what he wants when he wants it, but prefers substance over fluff.
What I Say: He’s also gay. But a power gay.

Acura TSX

Base Price: $27,785
What Forbes Says: The driver behind the wheel of the Acura TSX is a successful woman who is likely married with a median income of $87,000. She likes tasteful things but isn’t into flash and status.
What I Say: But secretly, she (Joanne) likes flash and status. For years, she disparaged yuppies and their incessant need for BMWs and Mercedes, but now that she too has joined their ranks, she finds herself yearning for the same things. However, Joanne would rather be repressed than labeled a sell-out. So she buys an Acura, knowing it’s not as showy as the other luxury cars, but it certainly places her a step above the Hondas and Nissans and Toyotas of the world.

Mercedes Benz CL Class

Base Price: $103,875
What Forbes Says: This affluent man is a captain of industry or a very successful professional who wants it known that he has arrived. He surrounds himself in tasteful luxury and attacks life. He doesn’t waste time on the mundane or frivolous.
What I Say: You can’t help but to cower a bit in the presence of this guy, probably named James or Jonathan. He’s just a powerful, powerful man. Talking with him isn’t really an option. He’s not mean, but he’s kind of scary. Plus, when he does, for whatever reason, decide to chat with you, he winds up being more of a talker-atter. As in, he only talks AT you, not to you. He likes to give advice because it reminds him that he’s more successful than you are. But that’s okay. He’s so powerful, he can do whatever he wants, and you’ll be happy to bask in the reflected glory. Afterwards, you tell your buddies, “Guess who I was talking with today? JAMES.” And they’ll all be very impressed.

Mercedes-Benz C-Class

Base Price: $31,975
What Forbes Says: This woman demands respect. She is a successful, independent thinker with discerning tastes. She is not shy about what she wants, likes to make bold statements and is driven to succeed.
What I Say: But this woman is still a little bit too, “Well look at me and MY MERCEDES.” In general, you try to stay away from her — Linda — but then one day she offers you a ride to lunch, and you have a surprisingly nice time with her. Still, you can’t help but think, “I really am surprised she drives a Mercedes. I just don’t get it.”

Lincoln Mark LT

Base Price: $38,340
What Forbes Says: This well-to-do guy wants it all and is in a position to get it. He likes the best things in life and doesn’t mind being noticed. He is driven to succeed and likes to make a statement wherever he goes.
What I Say: This guy is also AWFUL. His name is probably Bob, and even though he lives in the city, he listens to country music and likes to pretend he’s living some sort of rugged life. People roll their eyes at him behind his back, especially on the weekends when he wears a cowboy hat to D’Agostinos. Terrible.