SUPER BOWL ADS: The Good, The Bad, and the Mildly Disturbing

From left to right: Funny, AWFUL, strange.

After that thrilling Super Bowl, it feels almost silly discussing the accompanying ads —  the combined entertainment value of which paled dramatically next to the big game. However, it’s hard to for me to go three seconds without voicing my opinion on one thing or another, especially when so much hype is involved; so here goes with my roundup of this year’s commercials.
Overall, it wasn’t a great night for commercials. Bugs and rodents and critters in general seemed to dominate the airwaves, which wasn’t always a good thing. You’d think marketing execs would know better, but then again, these are the same people who bring us a talking baby year after awful year. Why? WHY? Nevertheless, very few spots were noteworthy this year, and there didn’t seem to be any instant classics in the bunch, but there were some gems that deserve accolades. My reviews of nearly all the Super Bowl ads after the jump.

More or less in order of appearance (although, not exactly):
Bud Light
Breathe Fire
Funny, simple, amusing. A good start. Not entirely clever, but effective slapstick nonetheless. B
Audi
Godfather Parody
Commercial starts off strong, and as we catch on that we’re in the throes of a Godfather parody, the suspense grows nicely, leaving the audience to wonder just what that notorious severed horse head will be replaced with. Turns out nothing much. Just the front of a car. Eh. Bonus points for technique, penalty points for no payoff. C+
Diet Pepsi
What Is Love
Catchy soundtrack, amusing cameos, and a neat hook anchor this spot. With the Haddaway classic “What Is Love” playing throughout, it’s fairly obvious where this montage of heads nodding off will go, and for a moment it seems we’re destined for an amusing but forgettable sixty seconds. Thankfully, the Chris Kattan appearance at the end saves the commercial (who would have ever thought that phrase would be uttered). B
Salesgenie.com
Sales Lead
The only thing memorable about this spot is the animated lead character’s vaguely offensive Indian accent. Still deciding whether it’s good parody or merely offensive. Nevertheless, C-
Bud Light
Wine and Cheese
Beers hidden in a giant cheese wheel: mildly amusing for a setup, but where’s the payoff? A guy telling his wife he’s going out for a cheese run? Bud Light can do better. And they have —  that opera spot from the regular season still cracks me up. C-
Under Armour
Athlete Training
This is just one of those generic sporting good spots. It’s not so much a memorable commercial as it is a run-of-the-mill exercise in branding. As a display of biceps, however, it’s fairly impressive. But that’s not what this post is about. B-
Bridgestone
Squirrel
A car screeches towards a squirrel and nearly half the animal planet screams in fear. But alas, it’s all setup, no payoff (I’m sounding like a broken record). The car swerves, the squirrel is survives, and nothing happens. All we’re left with is a bunch of kiddie-skewing CGI moments. I like the mischievous Geico squirrels better. C
Gatorade
Derek Jeter
This ad played a few times, and guess what? I don’t remember any of it. That’s what you call a total strikeout (rimshot!) D-
GoDaddy.com
Danica Patrick
Generic. What else is there to say? D+
Dell
Red
A guy walks down a city street as an increasingly large number of admirers pat him on the ass, kiss him, and generally fawn over his presence. Ultimately, he opens up his Dell computer and checks out Project Red. Once again, it’s all setup, and no pay off. It’s basic storytelling 101. C-
FedEx
Pigeons
A company employs carrier pigeons instead of FedEx, and the results are terrifying as supersized birds lay waste to a city. Again, underwhelming. The premise has potential, but to what end? Mass destruction isn’t inherently funny or interesting. C+
Cars.com
Death Match
A smug little spot that can’t even be saved by a ring of fire. Nothing special about this one. It feels like the sort of generic spot that might turn up in a random October game, not the Super Bowl. D+

Tide
Stain
FINALLY. A good commercial. In fact, it’s the best one of the night. A job applicant loses a prospective employer’s attention when the stain on his shirt proves to be entirely too distracting. What I love about this commercial is that it takes a very identifiable situation, exaggerates it, builds it comedically, and then smartly uses it to hawk a product. It works as both comedic storytelling and good marketing. Yay! A
Budweiser
Rocky
A Clydesdale trains for a year Rocky style and earns a coveted spot in Budweiser’s fleet. I’ve never been big into the whole Clydesdale thing; so the commercials tend to bore me. As Clydesdale commercials go though, this one is pretty good. Not great, but for fans of horsies and Dalmatians, it’ll do the job. B
Paramount Pictures
Iron Man
Blah. The trailer is better. C+
Toyota
Corolla
Another commercial with little critters — this time angry badgers. It’s a little disturbing knowing that the guy in the Corolla gets his face gnawed off by ferocious animals, but I guess anything goes at the Super Bowl. B-
Universal Studios
Leatherheads
This is the best they could do for this movie? Really? I’m a little Clooney-ed out these days anyway. C+
Garmin
Napoleon
Midway through this commercial, my friends and I realized that we totally weren’t paying attention to it. I guess that Napoleon humor just is lost on us American audiences. Whatever the reason, this commercial was unable to hold our interest. In advertising, that’s death. D+
CareerBuilder
Heart
In a sort of sick, morbid turn, a woman’s heart pops out of her chest and informs her boss that she’s quitting. It’s pretty gross, but the pure brazenness of the ad wins me over. It’ll certainly be the spot whose visceral imagery will stick with me most. A-
Life Water
Thriller
This commercial gets the WTF Award of the night. It’s basically just a bunch of lizards dancing with Naomi Campbell to… Thriller? Oh, and did I mention that some of the lizards also fart? Is that what I want to associate with an alleged health beverage? Flatulent reptiles? D+
GMC
Mountain Top
Can’t even remember this one. I’m assuming it’s just a generic truck commercial. For being forgettable: D
Bud Light
Students
The mere presence of Carlos Mencia automatically ensures this commercial can’t rank higher than B-. It’s not terrible though, and it survives mainly because one of the “students” has a funny Indian accent. C+
Walt Disney
Chronicles of Narnia
Solid trailer. I didn’t see the first movie, but this spot makes me want to see the second one. Nice. B
Planters
Unibrow
Again, the old setup/payoff problem. A woman attracts the attention of every male in sight, despite her butt-ugly appearance. Her secret? She rubs Planters peanuts on herself before going out. Eh. Not very creative. And the ugly girl could have been uglier. C+
T-Mobile
Barkeley/Wade
One of the most flagrant offenders of my setup/payoff rule. Charles Barkeley puts Dwayne Wade in his Fave 5, and then proceeds to call him around the clock. And that’s all he does. We watch thirty seconds (or maybe a minute?) of Charles calling over and over again. It doesn’t build to anything. It doesn’t get funnier. It just repeats and repeats until the commercial is over. This one gets a big BLAH. D
Pepsi
Justin Timberlake
Solid commercial. It’s funny, features good celebrity star power, has a story arc, and has that most important marketing tool: a guy getting hit in the nuts over and over again. In this case, it’s Justin Timberlake getting his groin thrust against a mail box violently. That’s good slapstick. A-

Doritos
Mouse Trap
With a little Bizet playing in the background, a guy places a Dorito in a mouse trap and waits for his murine prey to emerge from the wall. Instead, a guy in a mouse costume bursts through and tackles him. I have to admit that at the outset of the commercial, I wasn’t very hopeful, but the final shot of the man-mouse assaulting his predator with a series of punches was pretty great. A-
Lexus
Doughnut
A little boring, but it held my attention. I like my Lexus commercials to be a little more wry, but this was okay. C+
New Line Cinemas
Semipro
First reaction: great. Another Will Ferrell sports movie. Second reaction: eh, it looks kind of funny though. B
Cars.com
Witch Doctor
Another fairly dreadful spot from Cars.com. At least this one has some mildly amusing special effects (ie. a guy with a shrunken head). C-
Salesgenie.comm
Pandas
Wow. I guess we really haven’t come too far from Jell-o’s little Chinese baby. There’s something about these Chinese Pandas that just seems so… racist? I need to re-watch to see if I’m just having a knee-jerk politically correct reaction or if it’s really as bad as it looks and sounds. Nevertheless, I feel like it might not be received too well in Asian-American circles. C-
Vitamin Water
Horse Race
Gotta admit: I went to the bathroom during much of this. But I did see a jockey pat Shaq on the ass. So that’s kind of funny. B-
Bud Light
Cavemen
Bud Light was really firing blanks this Super Bowl. In this spot, a caveman invents the wheel, which should help with beer transport, but alas, those kooky Neanderthals use the wheel the wrong way. Groan. D
Ice Breakers
Carmen Electra
After tasting Ice Breakers, Carmen Electra accidentally says her “panic word,” causing her bodyguards to sack an innocent fan. Generic to the core. C
Bridgestone
Headlights
At first, this commercial seemed fairly uninspired, but as it built towards its Richard Simmons climax, it ultimately proved to be funnier than the Alice Cooper cameo earlier in the spot suggested it would be. Nicely done. B+
CareerBuilder
Spider
While the “heart” spot was edgy, gross, and memorable, this one was instead edgy, gross, and unsettling. I appreciated the dark subtext — a fake Jimminy Cricket getting swallowed by an evil, ominous spider —  but, well, that evil, ominous spider was kind of repulsive. B-
Hyundai
Genesis
It’s a Hyundai commercial. ‘Nuff said. C-
Disney/Pixar
Wall-E
I initially registered concern that the latest Pixar offering needed the added star power of Buzz Lightyear and Woody to help sell itself, but I was still won over by the hapless, Johnny 5-esque robot and its woeful encounter with a vacuum machine. I’ll see it. B+
E-Trade
Baby
The worst commercial of the night. A talking baby? Really, E-Trade? Hasn’t that awful fad already gone its awful way? What makes this talking baby worse than the others, however, is that halfway through the commercial, it goes and THROWS UP ON ITSELF. Unoriginal and tasteless. I say this in all seriousness: someone should be fired. Literally. A termination is in order. F
Bud Light
Ability to Fly
An okay spot. A guy learns to fly, loves it, and then winds up… sucked into a jet engine? Um, okay. Don’t worry, he survives. The comedy, however, doesn’t. C+
NFL.com
SuperAd
Gotta admit, I liked this ad. It told a nice story. Didn’t blow me away, but after the weeks of buildup as to which player’s story would air during the game, I was happy with the results. B+
Sunsilk
Life Can’t Wait
This was for the gays: Marilyn Monroe, Shakira, and Madonna all wrapped up in one jazzy commercial. Too bad it wasn’t particularly interesting. C

Coca-Cola
Balloons
The promise of following a balloon version of Stewie from Family Guy isn’t always the most enticing to me, but this spot proved to be surprisingly engaging as it relied less on cheap comedy (which, full disclosure, I’m always open to) and more on good storytelling. The Charlie Brown twist at the end made it all the better. Good Grief! A-
Coca-Cola
Carville/Frist
A little sumpin-sumpin for the politicos out there. Like the Timberlake Pepsi ad, this was a nice blend of celebrity and story; although, the lack of any good crotch poundings was unfortunate. Still, B+
Toyota
Big Wheels
Didn’t do nuthin’ for me. C
Sony Pictures
Zohan
Believe it or not, I actually laughed a few times during this, which isn’t always the case with a Sandler trailer. B
E-Trade
Baby II
The talking baby AGAIN? And this time with a creepy clown lingering in the background? At least the baby had the wherewithal to admit that the clown was in fact creepy, but that didn’t make it better. I am explicitly NOT using this company as a result of these awful, awful commercials. Like I said, someone should be fired. F
Taco Bell
Fiesta Platters
More ethnic stereotypes, but for some reason, they don’t seem as ridiculous as Salesgenie’s. Huh. B-
Gatorade
Thirsty Dog
After watching a dog ravenously lick a bowl for thirty seconds, we’re left with an image of… Gatorade? So that’s what the dog’s been drinking? Great. Did I mention how unappetizing canine slurping sounds? Memo to ad execs: don’t associate nasty things with stuff we drink. C-
Victoria’s Secret
Model
Adriana Lima. That’s cool. Not in high def? WTF? C
Bud Light
Will Ferrell
“Bud Light. Suck one.” Sometimes a catchy hook is all you need. A-
Amp
Jumpstart
A fat guy applies alligator clamps to his nips and attempts to start a car with the power of Amp. Ha ha ha wait what? Gross. And he doesn’t even start the car! Or at least I don’t think. Whatever. I’m not going back to verify. D+
Doritos
Kina Grannis
Who the hell is this chick from Mission Viejo? And why is she singing this awful song? Get her off the TV now. D
Universal Pictures
Wanted
Neat special effects, but kind of gimmicky too. Looks dumb, and yet… I’m intrigued. B-
White House ONDCP
Safe Guard Your Prescriptions
Parents are reminded that their teens can still get high off their medical prescriptions. Eh. I prefer more shock tactics in my anti-drug marketing. Or at the very least a nicely fried egg. C
Toshiba
Get the Most Out of HD
Toshiba spent 2.3 million dollars to boast about the glories of HD DVD. But you know what they forgot to do? Produce their ad in HIGH DEFINITION. Idiots. And for that, D+
NFL
Get Your Story Straight
Always a classic. A look back at dumb predictions people make at the beginning of the football season. Always makes me chuckle. B+
Zantac
Heartburn Changes Everything
The only thing I noticed about this commercial was that the female star seemed a bit too dumpy to snag the gent at the end for a date. I don’t approve of such mismatched aesthetics. C+
Jack in the Box
Hot Tub
I love Jack in the Box, even if I don’t necessarily patronize that chain. I especially liked this campy hot-tub of promiscuity, which features one horny cougar ready to jump the fast food chain’s intrepid mascot. Good times indeed. For the Super Bowl, though, I would have liked something a bit bigger. B+
Nissan
So Far Ahead
First of all, this commercial ran like twenty times over the course of the night. I didn’t think it was particularly interesting, but I liked the use of Great Northern’s song, “Home,” which has now been in my head for about four hours. B-
That’s pretty much it. There were some smaller commercials in the mix, but I don’t think I’m doing a disservice by omitting them. What did you think about the spots? Agree with me? Disagree with me? If you are a fan of the talking baby, you best get all your arguments ready. Oh, and to see all the ads, go to either spike.com/superbowl or myspace.com/superbowlads, the latter of which is not a site for Superb Owl Ads, as one might think.