Prettying Up Your Ugly Betty

Do the curtains match the carpet? It’s an essential question not just for monochromatic interior designers, but for curious men (and women) who seek to know if a lady’s hair color is uniformly aligned with the hues in the nether regions of her body. As we all know, not all blondes are natural, and nothing spills the beans more than a brown tuft of fuzzy revelation in the general pelvic area. Thankfully, for those seeking congruity in the Northern and Southern hemispheres, there’s a relatively new product on the market that addresses this need. It’s a gentle hair dying kit simply called BETTY.
Thankfully, Betty has a website, and since I’m dedicated to helping my readers choose only the best products for themselves, I urge you to join me as I explore this enchanting corner of the Internets…

The first thing that strikes me about the site is the provocative question housed in the browser header: “Is Your Betty Ready?” Well, I don’t know. I don’t have a Betty. And wait a second: isn’t a “Betty” the hair dyeing kit? Or is it also a vagine? Can it be both? As in, “Oh yes, I used Betty on my Betty.” Sounds confusing to me. Nevertheless, I’m not quite sure if my Betty is ready since I have neither a Betty (dyeing kit) nor a Betty (vagina); so I’ve outsourced my Betty instead and asked her if she’s ready.

“I was born ready, bitches!”

Anyway, moving down from the header and onto the actual page, I’m greeted with a series of testimonials, the first of which is somewhat (READ: very) bizarre:

Yes, even though everything about the site is quintessentially feminine — including the lightly sketched woman on the product — the first endorsement comes from a man named… RALPH??? Apparently Betty is trying to reach that highly lucrative “fat old man” demographic. And let’s not overlook what Ralph says. For starters he explains that he has salt and pepper hair and a gray beard, which is startling for first-time readers who think this is actually a woman. Then Ralph enthusiastically announces that he can’t wait to shower at the health club now that he’s put Betty on his Barney (for lack of a better word). I suppose Ralph just lives and breaths for that special moment when all the men in the showers turn around, stare at his pubic region, and think, “Even though he has salt and pepper hair and a gray beard, that man’s pubic hair is still black. He must be powerful and wise.” Never mind the creep-factor of wanting to show off your pubes in the gym…
Even stranger though is when Ralph fantasizes about going in for a check-up just so his doctor can be privately wowed over by the rich midnight blackness of his groin. As Ralph says, “I know he won’t say anything but he will think WOW hair so black down there.” Orrrr the doctor might think, “This guy dyed his pubes. Strange.” Memo to the makers of Betty: it might not be a great idea to associate the brand with a weird pervert who thinks a doctor might be impressed with dark locks of pubic hair.
Moving onto the next testimonial, we go from Ralph and his disturbing exhibitionist impulses to Laurie, who may or may not be secretly Dr. Maya Angelou:

And how! Of course, now we have to revise our list of great prophets:

• Moses — leader of the Hebrews
• Zoroaster —  leader of the Persians
• Laurie —  leader of the middle-aged sistas with nasty grays

(Meanwhile, Gayle King has probably ordered three crates-worth of Betty already.)
Anyway, to the right of the testimonials is an explanation of Betty by the product inventor, Nancy Jarecki, and at the end of the grammatically questionable paragraph, Nancy writes, “Betty is bringing hair back, see why!” Well, I imagine Nancy doesn’t mean that literally as I think Propecia and Rogaine have cornered that market, but I click anyway to see what she could be talking about. Turns out, she’s talking about the holidays. Yes, the link takes me to a page which happily announces, “Happy Holidays!” Ah, well, who needs timeliness anyway? Nancy goes on to say, “By now you probably have seen our very popular holiday betty color kits! [ed. note — no.] Crazy right?! [ed. note — no].” Unfortunately, Betty has no examples of these holiday kits on her site, but if you encounter a woman whose pubic area looks like a candy cane, you’ll know why.
Nancy then remarks, “Don’t forget this year’s perfect stocking stuffer is holiday betty.” Yes, because half the fun of Christmas is explaining to your eight-year-old child why Santa got Grandma dye for her vagina hair.

Yes it will be the talk of your holiday party, especially when everyone snickers about your graying pubes behind your back.

Nancy calls herself “chief betty officer,” which I guess sounds nicer than what that title really means: CHIEF VAGINA OFFICER.

At this point, I care less about “What’s New” with Betty and more about this Nancy woman who’s been writing this junk. I click on “About Betty,” and discover a lengthy history on Nancy and Betty and their rise to glorious fame. Turns out Nancy came up with the idea in Rome (of course. I was wondering when she’d inject some European flair into this product). She was in an Italian hair salon, and she noticed that women were taking home dye products for their va-jay-jay. That’s when Nancy had her breakthrough idea, her epiphany, her moment of divine inspiration that would soon become synonymous with the very idea of entrepreneurialism: “I thought, ‘how genius… a home coloring kit for the hair down there!'”
AND SO THE LEGEND WAS BORN.
Nancy then goes on to describe the creation of Betty, from some simple market research to more advanced development. She also discusses the mandatory safety testing; although, Nancy makes it sound like she was merely doing us a favor, saying that among other things “I even consulted a toxicologist to make sure that the formulation we were creating would be safe to use.” WELL I SHOULD HOPE SO! It’s like a food company announcing, “When we brought these donuts to market, we thought of everything. We even tested our product to make sure humans could actually eat it without dying. WE’RE THAT THOUGHTFUL.”
Well, having had my share of background information, I move onto the products themselves. There’s “BLACK betty” (for men presumably — it is what Ralph used), “BROWN betty” (not to be confused with the pie), “BLONDE betty,” “AUBURN betty,” and “FUN betty,” which sadly is not an ode to Betty Friedan. Instead, it’s a hot pink dye for those of you out there who are strippers, trannies, and/or the recording artist Pink.

There’s also a variety of t-shirts for sale, including one that says “I’m a true BLONDE.” Curiously, that shirt is modeled by a brunette, but maybe that’s the point? There’s also a shirt that says, “my betty is ready…” which seems somewhat peculiar. If “betty” refers to the product, I don’t see what’s worth mentioning about having a dyeing kit that’s ready to use. Then again, you can’t underestimate the appeal of inanimate objects and their varying states of readiness. I’m sure there are many people who would love t-shirts that say “My oven is preheated” or “The iron is finally hot” or “You can add clothes to the washing machine now.”
Now, if “betty” refers to a woman’s vagine, the t-shirt actually becomes extremely slutty. I mean, last time I checked, the “sophisticated women” this site targets don’t tend to advertise that their genitalia are ready for viewing. Making matters worse, the Betty contact page announces “we love to hear about your betty!” Now that’s a bit invasive. When I buy toilet paper, Charmin doesn’t inquire about my ass.
Nevertheless, all these t-shirts (and hats and thongs) are interesting, but I want to know more about the actual dyes. The Product Info tab reveals all. First, we’re told that Betty products come from a variety of natural ingredients such as Elder Flower (ahhh), Chamomile (oooh), Aloe (mmmm), and cherry BARK. That’s right, you’re rubbing bark on your special place. Okay, to be fair, I know it’s not bark in its purest form. I’m sure it’s completely delicate and smooth, but still… the imagery. The imagery!!
We then learn about some of the more versatile applications of Betty. The site explains, “betty customers love to use our products to touch-up roots, color eyebrows and men use it for facial and chest hair.” You heard it here first guys. If you’re looking to get the gray out of your beard, just use vagina dye!
Of course, there’s plenty more on the site than what I’ve described, but I can only bear so many ambiguous uses of the word “betty” — and I won’t even start on the grammatical issues. Ladies (and gents), if you want to color your “hair down there,” all the power to you. But I think my friend S. Lo who sent the link summed it up perfectly: “I say…JUST SHAVE.”
Thoughts? Observations?