Another List of Things: Worst of 2007

What’s the fun of making a Best Of list when there’s no Worst Of to accompany it? Well, fear not. I’ve rounded up a list of the worst pop cultural elements of 2007 — the sort of things that we’d all be better off without had they never occurred in the first place. Then again, without them, we wouldn’t have anything to complain about; so I guess I should be thankful that they existed. Or something like that. Full list after the jump…

Worst Attempt to Mix Rock ‘N’ Roll with Mom Jeans
Dick Donato from Big Brother 8
He claimed to be hardcore, but last time I checked, rockers don’t wear MOM JEANS. (Nor do they wear wallet chains attached to no wallets, but that’s another issue)
Worst Ad Campaign That’s Still Shockingly On The Air
UPS and the Whiteboard
Every time I see that middle-aged guy with his semi-long hair, mild slouch, and casual corporate attitude, I just want to gouge my eyes out, throw up, and change the channel (not always in that order). He embodies that most horrifying of workplace clichés — the “hip” creative guy who’s supposed to think outside the box but is in fact just as rigid, political, and unimaginative as all the other company drones. BLECH. Hey UPS, if I want to be reminded of the people I hate from work, I’ll GO TO WORK.
Worst Brand Name
Covergirl’s Wet Slicks Fruit Spritzers
Also should have been nominated for 2007’s Best New Tongue Twister. For more on my disdain, click here.
Worst Reality Show
On The Lot
After a promising premiere, this show went downhill at an alarmingly brisk pace, and by the third episode, it was nearly unwatchable. Good riddance.
Worst Jump The Shark Fiasco
The Apprentice: Los Angeles
NBC royally screws up its one time dominant (and wonderful) franchise.
Worst Celebrity Trend That The Media Doesn’t Seem To Even Care About On A Societal Level
Drunk Driving, Hooray!
Not to get all high-horsey, but how many celebrities need to get DUIs before people begin to realize how truly f-ed up this trend is?
Worst TV Comedy
‘Til Death
Still desperately searching for its first punch line.
Worst Image That You’d Want To See Before Going to Bed
Marie Osmond’s Doll Dance on Dancing With The Stars
At first glance, it seemed comically bizarre. At second glance, it became downright creepy. At third glance, it haunted my dreams for three weeks straight.
Worst Big Screen Romantic Pairing
Catherine Zeta Jones and Aaron Eckhart in No Reservations
Watching these two interact is like witnessing a camel making out with a salmon: it just doesn’t work. Granted, the latter scenario would at least be somewhat interesting on a zoological level. So I guess there’s that.
Worst U.S. Ambassador to Europe
Paula Deen on Paula’s European Adventure
Rarely have I cringed as much as the when I watched Paula Deen squawk her way through Paris, embarrassingly butchering a game of hackey sack and later confusing the town of “Bresse” for the word “Breasts.” This was trainwreck TV at its worst, and I’m still tempted to retrace her steps, informing all nearby pedestrians that Americans are not, in fact, like her.
Worst New Nintendo Mascot
Nicole Kidman
Few sights are as jarring as the perennially icy Nicole Kidman expanding her brain via the help of the Nintendo DS. Whether she’s struggling with the complexities of Rock, Paper, Scissors, or humming evilly along to Beethoven’s 9th, Nick seems like an odd choice to join the ranks of Princess Peach and Zelda. Then again, this might lead to a whole line of Nicole Kidman-inspired products. Oooh, Fur: The Videogame. I’m upgrading this to “Best Of 2007” now.
See the ads here and here.
Worst Depiction of the Statue of Liberty’s Head
Cloverfield Trailer
At the end of the first Cloverfield trailer, a flying object is seen careening through New York City, bouncing off buildings and cars before finally coming to rest in the middle of a street. Surprisingly, this dangerous projectile turns out to be none other than the head of the Statue of Liberty. It’s a shocking image, mostly because the monster that’s besieged New York has not only decapitated a treasured national landmark, but has shrunken it too! Yes, as depicted in the trailer, the Statue of Liberty’s head appears to be not much larger than a minivan, which seems surprising since there’s a whole observation deck housed in Lady Liberty’s tiara. Guess it’s sort of pointless to quibble about realism in a monster movie.
Worst Suburban Design Flaw, As Depicted In The Movies
The Underground Catacombs Under David Morse’s Home In Disturbia
Seriously, where did that river come from? And why was it in that guy’s basement?
Worst On-Air Talent Trend
Bad Moderators on Cable
I like to call this one the Andy Cohen effect. Everyone from Bravo (Top Chef reunions) to MTV (The Hills After Show, among others) seemed to lose sight of what we, the audience, like in a good moderator — ie. charm, talent, the ability to ask questions without seeming like an idiot. Some moderators mugged excessively for the camera (Cohen) while others proved to be instantly obnoxious (those two awful people who appeared nanoseconds after each Hills episode came to an end). The cable networks need to seriously reexamine their casting process, STAT. (Hint: study Jeff Probst’s style religiously)
Worst Harpies of the Year
Jenn and Colie, The Real World: Denver
A two headed beast of awfulness.
Worst Musical Trend
Josh Groban Continues to Be Popular
I will now receive thousands of hate emails from angry Jersey housewives. And Oprah.
Worst Example of Heterosexuality
Zac Effron
The fake tan is just the start.
Worst Desecration of Cherished Childhood Fixtures
Alvin and the Chipmunks
What’s worse is that the movie is a huge hit. Why, America? WHY?
Worst Re-occurring Realization
There will be no new episodes of Arrested Development. Ever.
Sad.
Worst Larry Craig Effect On Pop Culture
The Senator-Craig-Joke-In-The-Bathroom Phenomenon
Ever since the wonderful Larry Craig scandal surfaced this summer, mens restrooms across the country have been overrun by idiots who think it’s both original and hilarious to crack yet ANOTHER lame Larry Craig joke. I’m all for Larry Craig humor, but exactly how many times do we really need a guy in a Hawaiian shirt to proclaim, “Uh oh! Better make sure LARRY CRAIG isn’t in here!” If there’s any upside to this trend, it’s that these self-proclaimed comedians have at last dropped their noxious Borat impersonations, something we can all be grateful for. NIIIICE.
Worst Hipster Trend
Fedoras
When Justin Timberlake rocked the fedora, it was kind of cool. For him. On other people, I always felt it looked kind of douchey (especially when a feather was involved. I mean seriously. A feather). But I never really complained, lest I be accused of going against the rules of cool that had been outlined by J. Timbo. Well, it’s been about eighteen months since Justin re-popularized the fedora, and while we’ve all had our fun, it’s time to move on. The fedora is officially played out. There, I said it. It’s time for a new, annoying headgear trend. Might I suggest a swanky reimagining of the capotain? Perhaps with an accompanying ruff collar? That’s a look that even I could get behind.
Worst Facebook Application
Anything involving vampires, slayers, zombies, werewolves, and the like
No more. NO MORE.
Worst Movie Title
P.S. I Love You
P.S. I HATE YOUR TITLE.
Worst Football Moment (not involving paralysis or death)
When that Baltimore coach called timeout during the Ravens/Patriots game
It still haunts me.
Worst Timing of a Labor Impasse
The Writers Strike
Worst EVER.
Worst Movie I Was Subjected To Multiple Times on Airlines This Year
Shrek the 3rd
Time to put this fat ogre to sleep.
Worst Apology Song
“Sorry, Blame It On Me” By Akon
Not only does Akon seem like a total dick (e.g. dry-humping an underage girl, tossing a kid off his stage), but he then has the balls to release a song that seems to blame the public for his problems. Normally, I’d laud an artist for releasing such a passive-aggressive, guilt-trip laden tune, but his clumsy lyrics and obnoxious attitude really turn me off. (As does his nasal-riffic voice).
Worst Pop Culture Fixture
Danny Bonaduce
He must go away. Now.