BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Bring On The New Season!

It’s baaaaaaack! And I’m not just talking about the clichéd way I just started this post. I’m talking, of course, about Big Brother, which has returned for what looks to be a strong eleventh season. The twist this time around is that the houseguests have been segregated into four distinct cliques: the athletes (a.k.a. jocks), the popular kids (a.k.a. the cool kids), the brains (a.k.a. the nerds), and the “offbeat” (a.k.a. the freaks and gays and everyone else who didn’t fit in). The way it works is that players will vote and act and be nominated individually, but if a member of their clique wins HOH, they’re all safe. It’s a fairly simple twist, but one that could certainly spark some dramatic fireworks. I heartily approve.
But if you thought that was the only twist, think again. There’s been a mystery houseguest floating around the Big Brother website, and tonight, we finally learned who that person would be. For weeks, rumors circulated that Big Sheila would be returning (oh how I wish), but no — we got stuck with none other than professional bodybuilder / dumbass, Jesse. That’s right. The meathead with poor logic skills got a second chance at the game thanks to a surprisingly engaging twist to the HOH competition. While the house guests dangled up in the air as part of a game called “The Wedgie,” we learned that the winning clique would have a former houseguest return to the game that matched their group. Jessica from season eight, for instance, was on deck for the popular clique; Brian was representing brains (although, how brainy is someone who got voted out in week one of last season?); Michael (a.k.a. Cowboy) was there for the Offbeats; and the aforementioned Jesse repped the athletes proudly. No surprise here: the athletes won the first challenge, and Jesse (groan) assumed the role of HOH for the first week. Look, I’m willing to give him a second chance (not really), but I reserve the right to bemoan his presence. Seriously, where was Sheila? And for the brains, why not Eric from season eight? Give him a shot to play as a normal player for once. Oh well.

Nevertheless, it’ll be fun watching the house breakdown along clique lines. The athletes are certainly the target with the added member of their alliance, but they’re also just as likely to team up with the popular clique in taking down the rest of the group — particularly the brains. And speaking of the brains, I think it’s safe to say that Chima did NOT seem pleased with her group placement. She was clearly expecting popular, and the look of disappointment on her face masked nothing. I won’t be surprised if she aligns herself with the popular kids and betrays her alliance. That, of course, would not be a wise move because if there’s any alliance that looks to be instant trouble, it’s the popular clique. I mean, seriously. You just can’t have peace and camaraderie when your alliance consists of two pretty girls — or rather, one pretty girl and one girl who looks like Mr. Ed with two beach balls stuck to his chest (that was mean. I apologize. Sort of). Chances are the blonde and the breasts will be clawing at each other soon enough. Let’s not forget the explosive disaster / awesome trainwreck that was April and Keesha last season.
As for the athletes, the guys will probably bond and preen and feel each other’s pecs, and as such, I imagine the drama quotient will be fairly low. But of course, whenever guys latch onto each other in this game, they usually spiral out of control in a fit of hubris (ahem, The Four Horsemen), and already tonight, we saw a dash of that when Russel the Love Muscle informed Jeff that they totally had this competition in the bag. With Jesse in the mix, the athletes are hugely vulnerable to House wrath. Natalie would be smart to keep a safe distance from the boys. Of course, now she has to maintain this ridiculous lie she’s created wherein we’re supposed to believe she’s eighteen. True, she looks young. But really, what’s the point? I know she wants to be perceived as a wide-eyed innocent, but really, all she’s doing is making it harder for her to get drunk. Oh well.
If I had to make any guesses, I’d say the offbeat clique might be the most stable — assuming Lydia doesn’t start any fights (I sense a bit of a brawler in her, based on her testy comment that Braden should take the “splishy splash” room). By the way, I must add that I don’t particularly like that Casey is the oldest person in the house. I don’t know what it is, but the show always seems to work best when there are at least two people over forty in the cast. Can’t explain it, but it’s true. There’s something about having only one house elder that just doesn’t feel right. It’s like youthful idiocy runs rampant when there aren’t a few wrinkles around. I guess we’ll just have to see how it plays out. Now, let’s see if I can remember any of my old Jesse jokes…

“Now that I’m back in the house, I hope America sees that I’m not just a body. I’m a brain. I mean, not to be irrationalized, but I should be in the Brain Clique. That would be the respectful thing to do.”

“So, YEAH, I put crow feathers in my hair. I guess that makes me ‘offbeat.'”

“Hey guys, I think I found Laura’s missing implant.”

“I was VERY popular in high school. Although, I should mention that all my friends were deaf.”

“Hahahahaha… there’s tragedy behind my eyes.”

“I have an ass on my chest!”

Jessie: “All those who respect me, raise your hand!”

Natalie: “As the resident teenager, I say we all pretend like it’s prom. They still do proms in high school right? I can’t remember, it’s been so long. I mean, it’s a long way away. I mean, it would take long to drive there, which would be hard because I’ve never gone on a road trip since I got my license six years ago. I mean, two years ago. I mean, I don’t drive. I mean, what’s a car? I mean, I’m 24. I mean, 24 minus 6. I mean, the total is eighteen years old. Have I mentioned that I’m a multiple business owner?”

“Isn’t it funny the way my totally shredded back blocks the entire view of this corner of the kitchen?”

“Ugh, I think Casey is trying to be cool with us.”

“Hey guys, we’re cool, right?”

“Uggggh…”

“Check it out: I put my face in the toilet seat. Funny, right? DJ Casey Giggle-Maker in da house!”

Lydia: “It’s true, Kevin. Your gayness IS offbeat!”

Natalie: “Look! My youthful, most-certainly-teenage exuberance has overwhelmed me!”

Chima: “Let’s just make one thing clear, mmmkay? I may have brains, but I’m popular too. Some might call me, Brainopular. Hahahahahhahahahahahhaaahahaa.”

Chima: “Hahahhahahahahahhahaa.”

Chima: “Hahahahahahahahahaha”

Chima: “Hahaha….”

Chima: “Ahhh…”

Chima: “That was great.”

What did you think about the premiere? Thoughts on the cast? Thoughts on the twist? Thoughts on Jessie? Thoughts on the crazy black thing that the Chenbot was wearing?
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