HOUSEWIVES RECAP: More Reunion, More Bickering, More Amazingness

I really didn’t think The Real Housewives of New York City could top Tuesday’s tumultuous hour of reunion fighting, but last night, they proved me wrong. Thursday was Kelly’s time to truly shine, and what we got was nothing but a stream of incoherent ramblings from the model/socializer/owl enthusiast. The woman literally made no sense, and while at time I could soooort of understand her thought process, she was still too inarticulate to convey her points, thus causing further drama as the other ladies happily jumped on every poorly chosen word of Ms. KILLOREN Bensimon. Thankfully we had Alex, who after sitting quietly on the couch nearly the whole episode, finally chirped up and spake what we all were thinking: most of this could have been avoided had Kelly been more articulate.
But that will never happen. Kelly can’t be articulate because she’s simply all over the map. Everything she said was so incoherent that even Ramona of all people had to literally stop her, look her in the eyes, and tell her that she simply does not make any sense when she talks. And this is coming from Ramona. Ramona! Crazy-eyed Ramona!

Of course, far be it for me to call her crazy-eyed. That’s one thing Ramona will not stand for, as evidenced by her crazy-eyed response to LuAnn’s accusation. To be fair, it was a very petty comment for LuAnn, the class maven, to make, but that being said, Ramona truly went off the deep end, and she once again proved that she can be a hostile and vicious woman when she feels cornered. She and the Countess went at it this hour quite a bit, and it was all terribly uncomfortable but wonderful. The ladies pretty much pounced on LuAnn for having a holier than thou attitude, something that LuAnn rebuffed with, well, a holier than thou attitude. When Bethenny told her that the overuse of “Darling” contributed to the appearance of haughtiness, LuAnn dismissed the charge, saying that “darling” was one of her FAVORITE words, and she wouldn’t be giving it up for anyone. (Such a suggestion surely would have elicited the Haughty Countess Laugh had the environment not been so tense.)
Personally, I think LuAnn is great, and she shouldn’t change a bit. Kelly on the other hand is a nutcase who makes no sense. Not long after eviscerating LuAnn, the wrath of the group returned to Kelly, who just babbled on at length about nothing and everything all at once. She did some of her patented “Stop! STOP!” and honestly, there were so many idiotic things that came out of her mouth, my brain just sort of shut down. You all will have to help me remember them.
What I do remember is that she took absolutely no accountability for being late to her own party. She claimed she had texted some of the women, but as a whole, they all — including Alex — denied it. At that point, Kelly should have said, “Well, I remembered incorrectly I guess, and I’m truly sorry I made you guys wait.” Instead, she just offered up excuses that really made no sense, as per her usual style.
Truth is that Kelly has no logic whatsoever. Or actually she does have logic, but it is flawed and contradictory — sort of like an adolescent’s. Given that she’s over forty, you’d think she’d have benefited from the perspective that age gives you, but no, she’s actually retarded (and I mean that in the truest sense of the word). For instance, Kelly declared that she and Bethenny were the same people — as evidenced by the fact that Bethenny is a brunette and Kelly is a blonde. This made little sense because a) Kelly was highlighting a CONTRAST instead of a SIMILARITY to prove her point, and b) Kelly isn’t actually a blonde. Plus, also undermining Kelly’s assertion is the fact that she has gone on the record many times by famously saying they are NOT in fact the same person (“This is me. This is you” are the words I believe she used). I would not say that consistency is her strongest trait. Same goes for “smart” or “coherent” or “prone to saying anything that doesn’t contradict itself within ten seconds.”

“I’m just going to answer your question with an arbitrary word. You know, like ‘cartwheels.'”

Later, when asked who the HELL this Max character was, Kelly was extremely elusive, ultimately saying she wanted to keep her life private. This of course begged the question as to why she would go on a reality show. (To get out of her comfort zone, is the short, succinct version of her rambling answer). When Andy asked if Max was a friend with benefits, Kelly sternly noted that she doesn’t have those. She either has friends or LOVAHS. So which category did Max fall into? Neither. So… he was a friend with benefits? It was too dumb and puzzling to figure out.
The one thing that was clear about Kelly was that she truly does try to maintain and perpetuate an image of herself that simply isn’t true. She likes to float on ideals and be this real salt-of-the-earth woman — the type that drives a Dodge Ram and sees beyond petty things such as bickering and materialism. And yet, as the other women were quick to point out, she’s the biggest social butterfly of them all. Kelly tried to deny this, but perhaps she forgot that she used to have a column called “SOCIALIZER.” Even worse, Kelly tried to cast herself in a friendly light by suggesting how good it was that she would show up at a party, say hello, and then leave. To Kelly, that was being supportive of friends. To everyone else, that’s just a bitch. LuAnn was particularly peeved about this, saying it was rude to just go to a party and leave. Of course, LuAnn apparently had an ax to grind because Kelly had literally ignored her at a party recently, which is not something one does to THE COUNTESS.
Kelly stammered through several excuses until finally she asked, “What if I didn’t want to say hi?” WELL. Then that’s okay. And so the true colors are revealed.
Somewhere in this mess, Kelly managed to piss off all the women even more when she proclaimed that of all the housewives, Jill was her favorite. It was as tacky as can be, and I don’t think many of the women appreciated it. There may have even been a gasp or two. Then again, we could hardly go two minutes without LuAnn or Jill or Andy gasping loudly. I think the largest affront came when Kelly told LuAnn to read her own book. The Countess was most certainly NOT amused.
My favorite moment of the entire hour, however, came when the group discussed all the drama that circled around Jill and he charity work. For whatever reason, Kelly decided this would be her time to make a stand against brand proliferation in the nonprofit sphere. Charity should be about charity, she claimed. It shouldn’t be about corporations and brands. It was a very noble platform. It was also myopic and idiotic. If Kelly had been thirteen or fourteen, she would have gotten a free pass. At that age, adolescents and young teens are just coming into their own, and they like making bold statements that really don’t apply in the real world. When you’re over forty, however, statements like that are just sad.
Understandably, all the women jumped on Kelly, reminding her that the only way to get major corporate sponsorships and donations to charities is by showing some brand love. This was unacceptable to Kelly though. Charity does NOT have to work like that, and she knew. Why? Well, according to her, “when I was fifteen, I was voted the most charitable person IN MY AREA.”
WTF?
This raises so many questions in so many ways. First of all, who voted in this tally? And in what organization was this? And where was this? And why were people voting on charitable people? And what does that even mean? And what is the area? And how large is the area? And how much vaguer could she be? And most importantly, how does that even apply to anything?
Are we to assume that since Kelly won this prestigious yet vague honor nearly three decades ago that she is therefore the authority on all things charity? And additionally, did she really just draw upon an accolade from before she could even drive? GREAT. Maybe now would be a good time for me to inform you all that I once received a dictionary in ninth grade on account of my stellar English class performance. So as you can see, I’ll be having the final word on all things grammatical in the blogosphere, thank you very much.
Anyway, I’m in semi-rant mode, and I fear my thoughts are becoming disorganized, which would make sense with all this KKB talk. I’m going to shut up now, and let you do the rest. What did you think about this second hour of the reunion? What was your favorite nonsensical Kelly moment? And what were your other favorite moments in general? Oh, and thanks to JASH for the screen grab.