HOUSEWIVES FINALE PHOTOCAP: Sweet Charity

Bethenny: “Huh. I thought we were all wearing MURDER GLOVES tonight.”

Sadness. The Real Housewives of New York City has drawn to a close for the season, and while there’s two whopping helpings of reunion next week, it just won’t be the same. The good news is that we got the Jersey girls just ’round the corner, and let’s face it, Bravo has smartly developed this franchise in such a way that we really can go a full year without having any gaps in our Housewives fix; so really, what the hell am I complaining about? Nuthin’.
Anyway, the big finale ended at Jill’s charity auction for Creaky Joints — a bizarrely named organization whose logo (written in “bone” font) was a bit too literal for my tastes. I mean, I know it’s all about curing arthritis, but must the letters appear as if they’ve been carved from Lucy’s skeleton? It’s like the Flintstones were in charge of branding. Nevertheless, with a season’s worth of drama leading up to the big event, it’s no surprise that Jill became a total crazy woman, barking and fighting with seemingly everyone — or at least Ramona and Bethenny. The former fight was rather standard fare. The latter was an all-out screamfest — the kind where I thought both women might actually start crying and begging for Mommy. I was shocked that Ramona, of all people, proved to be the calming presence in the fray.

You see, it all started when Ramona saw what she perceived to be an overabundance of signage at the event’s bar. This was entirely too “déclassé” for ‘Moners as apparently she prefers understated, demure branding, and let’s face it: if there’s anyone who’s synonymous with understated and demure things, it’s Ramona. We actually learned about her aversion to over-branding at the top of the show when she flipped out about a sponsor getting a mention on the “step & repeat” (a.k.a. the white backdrop on a red carpet). For whatever reason, she felt that a charity event was not the place to be promoting a business, which is what we’d like to think in theory, but honestly, if that were the case, none of these auctions and galas would ever have any sponsors. Nevertheless, Ramona and Jill got into a spat about getting their names on the Step & Repeat, and somehow it devolved into a strange pissing match about who could donate the most money. I didn’t get it. And neither did LuAnn who was just dying to bust out the Haughty Countess laugh. Either way, there was plenty of bickering to go around, and while I didn’t follow much of it, I did agree with Jill that Zarin Fabrics should be wholeheartedly allowed to have a place on the Step & Repeat, if only because Jill had been the motivating force behind this whole big shindig. (It should be noted that when we saw the Step & Repeat later on, True Faith jewelry was all over it)
Anyway, it was in the context of that argument that the later issue with the bar signage had come up. The problem, according to Ramona, was that there was too much Frangelico branding. It was tacky and gaudy, she lamented. Jill, who was already a nutcase over everything, simply flipped out. I tended to think she was so stressed that she was just looking for something to explode over, and Ramona gave her the perfect opportunity. The Zarin got all sorts of Zangry about the situation, saying that it wasn’t fair that Frangelico got to have all that wall space — especially when it could have been sold to other sponsors. Somehow, the blame all fell on Bethenny, who as the Bar President, supposedly should have told Jill about the situation. I could see Jill’s frustration in that it felt like a lost opportunity to raise more money, but at this point, why not just say “Who cares?” Frangelico did donate a huge amount of alcohol, and as such, they deserved to have their signage up there (memo to Frangelico — feel free to sponsor me and this site ANY time. You’ll get all the signage you want).
Of course, in the ironies of TV, Frangelico got about ten times more mileage out of this auction by having Ramona take down their branding because here we are, not only having watched a fight about Frangelico, but now I’m writing about it, and you’re reading it. Some Frangelico exec should be getting some massive pats on the back now (speaking of which, how nice would a Frangelico cocktail be right now? Must… follow… branding…).
Well, as Ramona and Jill stewed (and subsequently accused each other hilariously of not coming through with their donations), this other woman who I believe worked at the venue, made a little stink about how she didn’t want to get caught in the middle of this mess. Cut to that night at the auction, and with everything going fine and dandy, that same idiot woman walked up to Bethenny and proceeded to tell her at length about the fighting and brouhaha caused by Bethenny’s bar. This did nothing but whip Bethenny into a tizzy, and then it was AWN.
Bethenny pulled Jill aside and tried to explain her end of the situation, but there was just slightly too much anger in her voice — enough to set Jill off, who was already a jumble of nerves about a speech she was about to give. As a result, what should have been a simple airing of grievances turned into an all out fight as Jill snapped that she didn’t want to talk about it right then. Jill was actually right — it was the wrong time to discuss it — however, she totally Bensimon’d Bethenny by refusing to even talk it through in a cursory way. This just made Bethenny angrier, and soon they were yelling at the top of their lungs at each other. Bethenny looked like she might even cry. The whole thing had the dramatic urgency of one of those childhood fights where at the end, you just want to shout “I HATE YOU!” and run away bawling (not that I ever cried as a youth. I was tough and manly). Anyway, Jill told Bethenny to just LEAVE, but rather than do that, Bethenny tracked down Ramoner and kvetched some more. Oddly enough, Ramona had the presence of mind to talk Bethenny down and get her to a calm enough place so that she was able to return to Jill, apologize, and move on. And just like that, the fight was over. I guess she learned a few things after her battle with LuAnn — who I’m sure was quite pleased that this fracas didn’t happen at the Cancer Society. I mean, NOT at the Cancer Society! NEVER AT THE CANCER SOCIETY!!!!
For her part, LuAnn was up to her usual LuAnn things in the episode, which served as the swan song to her happy Countess lifestyle. We saw her and her half deaf (which is surprising since he’s so NOT AN OLDER MAN) husband ring the opening bell at the NASDAQ, but more importantly, we watched as she arranged a powwow (no pun intended) between Bethenny and Rosie in the kitchen. It started off as a way for the humble housekeeper/nanny/dog-shit-picker-upper to learn some cooking tips, but in the end, it became Class with the Countess’s Housekeeper as Rosanna was the one doling out advice — at least about relationships. This was all well and good, but I was more fascinated by the fact that LuAnn even DEIGNED to sit at the same table as Rosie. No wonder Alexandre dumped her ass. She was mixing with the plebes!
Also mixing with the hoi polloi was Kelly Bensimon, who managed to only assault my ears about three times (down from the usual ten or fifteen) with her high pitched squeaking. We sadly didn’t get to hear her toot “Hi!!!” or “Bye!!!” very much this week, but she did let out a super strange “Where are we going?” at one point that sounded not unlike Mr. Bill running from a Mack Truck. Anyway, Kelly was fairly understated this episode, and she almost got royally dissed at the auction when Jill forgot to thank her at the end of the night. Poor Kelly looked genuinely saddened — and for a moment we saw the ugly duckling from childhood who had no friends or playmates, thus engendering the insecurity that would later beget the name dropping and fame seeking she thought would yield her the brass ring of social acceptance. Or something like that. Either way, Jill soon remembered her mistake and gave Kelly her little award and all was right in the world again.
Lastly, we had Simon and Alex, who really did little this episode beyond showing up and acting ridiculous. Simon wore an absurd, shiny outfit that may or may not have come from a dominatrix’s yard sale, and when he wasn’t twirling and groping his twiggy wife on the dance floor, he was randomly shaking his bon-bon with none other than Ramona. Yes, after she accused him of being a frou-frou, Ramona could not deny herself the impulse to break out the Ramona dance, and soon she was doing her signature bop on the dance floor. Of course, Simon never saw an opportunity he couldn’t gay up a little bit; so he too busted a move, and eventually the two were united by the great equalizer that is DANCE! As the episode ended, the two put aside their differences and admitted that at the end of the day, they both were two very good dancers — which of course is not true at all. Still, gotta be happy that they reached some sort of a common ground. Kudos — or as Ramona might say, “k’doos.”
And now, onto the photocap:

Jill: “I hope Bethenny doesn’t get all that bronzer on my FAAAAAABRIC.”
Bethenny: “Hey look at me! I’m Kelly FUCKIN’ Bensimon!”
LuAnn: “I wouldn’t wear all that bronzer, especially not at the Cancer Society. NEVER AT THE CANCER SOCIETY!”
Ramona: “That’s déclassé. Bronzer is déclassé.”

LuAnn: “Has this water been touched by Mexicans?”

Kelly: “LuAnn, stop. Stop. Stop. Oh my gosh. Stop.”

Alex: “Bethenny is a great emcee. But we mustn’t show her to François and Johan. They’re used to St. Barts emcees, and we wouldn’t want to traumatize them.”

“A-Rod loves it when I dress up like Princess Jasmine.”

“Smile for the cameras, Jill.”
“I am smiling.”
“Okay, so you’re smiling.”
“So wrong that I smile differently than you?”
“Smile how you want to smile.”
“Smile how I want to smile, she says. Would you get a load of this one?”
“Stop complaining. You look beautiful. Just enjoy yourself.”
“Beautiful, she says. I look like a slob. You’re the beautiful one.”
“Stop it.”
“I’m sorry. I speak my mind.”
“You’re a yenta.”
“But you know what? Life’s short.”
“Here she goes again.”
“I don’t think Ally knows what sex is.”

“As queen of the Skinny Girl kingdom, I demand you all bring me your finest bronzer!”

“MARIO! MARIO! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!!”

“Someone get an ambulance: this woman’s breasts have fallen off!”

“BAWWWWBBBY!!! GIVE THEM ALL ZAAAAARIN FAAAABRIC IN HONOR OF AAAAAAALLY!”

“Do you like my pants? I bought them from a wonderful up and coming designer. Her name is Daiquiqui, and she has a lovely atelier just above Goldfingers on Queens Boulevard.”

Jill: “Smile for the camera!”
Kelly: “Jill, no. Stop. Stop. Stop. Please, just stop. Stop. Jill. Jill. Jill.”

What did you think about the episode? And what about the season? Who was right in the big Bethenny/Jill spat? And did anyone find it strange that the producers alluded to Kelly’s “courtroom drama” in the epilogue but didn’t mention LuAnn’s divorce at all?