So How About Those Housewives?

“I’m a deranged BITCH!”

If anyone watched the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion — and I know most of you did — you surely witnessed some of the more embarrassing female behavior from women over 17 since, well, the last episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Yes, the claws were out as resident mean girls / blondies / deluded wenches Tamra and Vicki faced the wrath of Bravo viewers and their fellow housewives in one long, uncomfortable, and wonderfully entertaining hour.
We heard some updates about Lynne and her kids and Jeana’s dating life and whatnot, but let’s get to the heart of the matter: those two flaxen bitches sitting on their love seat of ill-repute. Tamra and Vicki were in rare form, being more awful than they normally are (and that’s saying a lot). Vicki tried to don a superior, reasonable attitude as she turned her nose up at things like underage drinking (even though, as my friend Jash pointed out, Vicki brought her underage son a case of beer in college). Of course, her refined character pretty much crumbled when she took every opportunity to take swipes at Lynne, complaining to Andy and the audience that our leathery cuff enthusiast was no angel herself. This was proven slightly when Lynne dissed the blondies by likening them to rocket scientists seconds later, a moment that was both glorious and hilarious. Vicki used that as an example of Lynne’s sharp tongue, but honestly, when you’ve just watched yourself get made fun of on TV for weeks on end, I think Lynne’s entitled to some verbal bitterness here and there.

Later on, Lynne randomly dissolved into a teary mess when Jeana’s made an offhand dig at her. It was totally strange, and yet I could empathize. I think we’ve all been there when one fleeting word just hits you the wrong way, sending you into a funk — or, in Lynne’s case — a sloppy mess. Still, I genuinely felt bad for her, and I think everyone did… until Vicki did a classic “NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL” move by suggesting that Lynne wasn’t the only victim in the room. Oh shut up, you idiot. It’s obvious who the bully of the group is, and I have no sympathy for her bruised ego.
Of course, all the Lynne fireworks were just the appetizer for Gretchen’s main course. Tension was in the air as Andy first questioned Tamra about her dubious motives in getting Gretch “naked wasted” at the improperly themed etiquette dinner. Tamra offered up a sincerely insincere explanation, saying that she didn’t even know what the term meant. She then took faux-responsibility by saying “I must be a mean drunk!” Well, I guess that solves that! To Tamra’s credit, I applaud her for resisting the urge to say, “I’m also a HOT drunk!”
To be fair, no one forced the shots down Gretchen’s throat, but she still deserves to feel somewhat violated by Tamra’s schemes — whether they were hatched in sobriety or not. And let’s hear it for Tamra still excusing her son’s behavior. I’d still like to know why she never grabbed him and said “Don’t do that!” He may be grown up, but he’s not above reproach.
The sparks really flew, however, when the discussion turned towards Gretchen’s late fiancé, Jeff. Despite the fact that Gretchen did not marry Jeff, and despite the fact that she didn’t sink her claws into his money, Tamra still believes that her HOT rival was a gold digger (unlike Tamra who clearly earned that McMansion through years of hard work and career success…). When Gretchen refuted the claim that she was in a relationship of convenience, Tamra got all belligerent, eventually going off on a bizarre story about some guy who claimed to be Gretchen’s boyfriend during the entire Jeff ordeal. Gretchen denied any hanky panky, first calling the guy a stalker, then a good friend. I don’t know. And guess what? I didn’t care! I think Jeana hit it on the head when she asked, “Why does any of this matter?”
The truth was there were holes in the story left and right — from both women. I pretty much believed Gretchen, but not 100%. On the other hand, Tamra hatched this ludicrous conspiracy that Gretchen and this guy were in it together to steal Jeff’s money. Woman, are you crazy? Even worse, Tamra then complained that the guy kept calling back, clearly a sign that something was not quite right with him. And yet, she still chose to believe his stories? Why even get involved? Every time Gretchen attempted to defend herself, I just wanted her to say “It’s none of your business. END OF STORY.” I also wanted to slap Tamra, whose insecurities have made her hellbent on this pathetic character assassination. It’s about time this idiot woman realizes something: she’s not the hottest, she’s not the youngest, and she’s not the star. Luckily, she’ll have Vicki to commiserate with, and when she’s not doing that, she can go back to blatantly kissing Lauri’s ass.
Anyway, here’s to dumb shrews (who dress “classy!”). May we see you on our TVs once again…