Don't Take Away Our Tatiana!

Seriously, how did American Idol get to be so good all of a sudden? Thanks to some nifty editing and tricky maneuvers, Fox kept us on our toes last night as we tried to predict just who would be moving on to the next round and who would be going home. As per the tradition at this point in the season, the contestants were separated into four different rooms, with each batch being told their fate en masse. Things started off predictably enough as the first holding area filled up quickly with definite shoo-ins such as Lil Rounds, Anoop, and Adam with the bad hair. Let’s talk about him for a second, shall we? As I’ve previously mentioned, I have what may seem like an irrational dislike for him based on his terrible hair (and now guyliner). Some people may think this is a superficial criticism, and yet I can’t help feeling that this hair issue cuts right to the problem. You see, Adam is trying to be a rocker of some sort. An artist, if you will. And as such, he’s adopted this idiotic mop top and CoverGirl visage in an effort to play the part. He’s not as effortlessly genuine as say the dueling piano player or those two best friends (one of which was on heavy duty pit stain alert last night). As such, it’s hard for me to embrace Adam because he just seems like a massive poseur.
Now, normally I’d grant that Adam has a very good voice, but for the record, he did not sound so spectacular last night as he attempted to convince the judges that he was not, as they had accused him, too theatrical. And what did he sing to dissuade them? “Believe” by CHER. Yeah, not the wisest move. Adam then went on to perform a super theatrical “re-imagination” of the tune, which wasn’t the worst ever — and he certainly deserved to go through to the next round — but damn, was it frilly. He’s gonna have me banging my head against the wall by the end of the season.

In room two, we had a bunch of question marks: Nathan — the histrionic crybaby of Team Compromise — as well as several formerly strong singers who essentially choked in front of the judges. One guy messed up twice before huffing off the stage in disappointment, and one poor girl, whatsherface, completely forgot all the lyrics to her song, and this wasn’t just a case of one flubbed line. She literally sang the second half of her audition with the words “Daa daa daaa daaaa daaa.” Of course, had it been me, I would have volunteered to sing the La Bouche classic “Be My Lover,” whose predominant lyrics are “La da da dee da da da.” Can’t really mess that up.
Granted, I think the singers only have a small selection of tunes to choose from, which is why we heard that awful song “I Hope You Dance” so many times. I applaud the people who took on “Disturbia,” which revealed itself to be a very difficult song to pull off. I can say this because they all sounded terrible. I always chide Rihanna for having not much of a voice, but after seeing the way these chumps butchered “Disturbia,” I may have newfound respect for her.
Anyway, room two was certainly shaping up to be a bad scene, and the addition of my dear favorite Tatiana was not helping matters. Certainly she would be going home tonight after committing American Idol sin #1: singing Whitney Houston. The judges did not seem particularly impressed, and I don’t think Tati’s little falsetto flourish at the end made things any better. I was truly fearful that this might be her last stand.
But then something exciting happened: Tatiana was plucked from the room and sent to holding pen #4. Was this a good thing? Was it a bad thing? Who knew? All we could tell was that the producers were up to something, and Tatiana was now a mess. And she wasn’t the only one on pins and needles. All the kids in room #4 looked like they wanted to jump out the window when Tatiana arrived (assuming there was a window, which there wasn’t. Nor were there chairs, tables, or any sort of mild amenity beyond a garish carpet). Anyway, Tatiana surely meant certain death for the aspirations of these singers, who not only were stuck with her but Nick/Norman. That’s right: Tatiana and Nick/Norman were in the same room! American Idol was about to eliminate two of its brightest shining stars!
Or were they? Ryan suggested so heavily that this room was in trouble that it became immediately apparent that this was a massive misdirection. That’s what I hoped, at least. Watching Nick bust out the “Norman Gentles” persona, I feared that maybe the judges had reached their limit with him. After all, he didn’t sound quite as good — or “good” — as he had in the past, and the reality is that there’s no way the producers want someone like him getting any closer to the crown. If he were to win by some fluke, it would totally delegitimize the process. That’s, at least, what I imagine THEY think.
Anyway, with Ryan tipping his hand too much, it became apparent that rooms one and four would be safe, casting doubt on the other two. Room three was a complete disaster. There was no way they were gonna hang around. Everyone the producers profiled in there seemed to have bombed on stage. Sure enough, they were all sent home, including Michael Castro — Jason’s promising younger brother. What went wrong? Again, another oversight by the producers for failing to show his downfall.
Unsurprisingly, the first room got the go-ahead for the next round. But what about room two? It was such a mixed bag full of shining moments and utter failures. How would this resolve itself? Well, they got the thumbs up too! Wild cheering and crying ensued (mostly from Nathan). This left only one batch of crooners left: ROOM FOUR.
Randy, Paula, and Kara solemnly entered the sparse room and yammered on about how difficult this process was for them etc. etc. You know, the typical fakeout speech. Tatiana, meanwhile, simply could not take it. She began to weep with anxiety, extending her hands forward as if she were warming them over some invisible campfire billowing up from the tacky carpet. Judging by the random, half-opened panel behind her, I wondered if she had actually attempted to crawl into one of the successful other rooms, but no, she was here, whimpering with prayers. She was in fact so loud that she completely overpowered the judges, who must have been trying their hardest not to laugh. When one defeatist guy raised his hand and asked if this was a “no,” Paula replied back that it was a YES! And just like that, everyone was on their feet celebrating while Tatiana made a tearful beeline towards Paula. Ahhh… Safe again!
Of course, what always amuses me about this process is that immediately following these cuts, we get a whole new batch of cuts tonight. So really, no one is safe because the whole process starts over immediately. I never understand why the judges simply don’t make their final selections now, but I suppose they like to draw it out a bit to heighten the tension. Plus this year it appears the borderline candidates can sing for their survival, which adds a bit more functionality to this last round of cuts.
Nevertheless, I’m thoroughly excited for tonight and this season. It feels so good to be enthused about Idol again. Tatiana FTW!!!
What did you think about the show?