TOP CHEF PHOTOCAP: It's The Super Bowl of Food!

Top Chef switched things up last night by presenting the Top Chef Bowl (or something like that), which had previous contestants return to square off against this season’s crew head-to-head, with each paring of chefs having to create a meal in twenty minutes with the regional ingredients of various football teams. Anyone from this season who lost to an alumnus would then be eligible for elimination. There was also a silly touchdown/field goal scoring system at place, but I don’t think anyone watching really cared too much about that. Basically, the home team (current season) won, and in a shocking twist of fate, three of the most talented chefs — Stefan, Jeff, and Fabio — wound up facing the judges in the end. I thought it would be curtains for Fabio, but thankfully, it was Jeff who went home. Actually, based on one of Jeff’s interviews earlier in the show, I noticed that he seemed a bit more depressed and dour than usual (which says a lot). At that moment, I suspected that he’d be going home, but then based on Fabio’s unraveling, I abandoned that instinct. Not that it really matters.
I must say that it was fun to see some familiar faces again (a.k.a. Spike & Andrew), but I also kind of agreed with Fabio, who said this wasn’t cooking; this was rushing. The emphasis in this episode was whether or not new could beat old, not “is this food any good?” And let’s face it: part of the thrill of Top Chef is watching the judges bite into a dish, taste it, and then react with joy or — even better — utter disdain. We didn’t really get that this week. In fact, we had to wait allll the way until the end of this supersized episode to get any critiques. Ultimately, the Bowl was a fun concept, but it strayed ever so slightly away from the unique draw of the show.
Anyway, onto the photocap…

“Welcome to the first ever Top Chef Bowl. Unfortunately, my dear friend Gail Simmons will not be in attendance as she accidentally confused her styrofoam finger for a cruller and had to be rushed to the hospital, bless her heart.”

“I’ll show you how big my culinary boner is…”

Toby: “Indeed, the New Orleans Saints is an appropriate team to represent this dish as one would have to be a saint to ever bestow any sort of praise on this muck, which seems to both resemble pond water and primordial goo that’s been lingering on the underside of a discarded rock for twenty fortnights.”

“It’s actually best that Gail’s not here. I know she’d want to be a ref also, and I’m afraid these shirts don’t go above size 14.”

“Wait, who am I again?”

“You know, when I think ceviche, I think FLAMES!”

“Spike, you don’t have to cook a side of bacon with every dish anymore. Gail’s no longer here.”

“Okay, I gotta think of an overwrought critique quickly. Come on, Toby. Green Bay… Green Bay… can I compare it to Elvis? A British Film? THINK, TOBY, THINK!”

“What are you looking at? I’M THE JUDGE HERE!”

“It’s a shame my dear friend Gail Simmons can’t be here. She just loves Green Bay so much: the bratwurst, the cheese, the bratwurst with cheese. Poor thing would be drooling as we speak. Well, drooling more, bless her heart.”

“I am a-sorry I cannot a-smile more. I woke up on the a-wrong side of the a-bunky bed.”

“Surprise! I can smile! And show personality! Just kidding on that last one.”

“I’m sorry, Fabio, but my goatee is much cooler than yours. Brillo pads are all the rage.”
“You a-do not know what you are a-talking about. If my a-mama could see me now: ten a-thousand years of goatee trimming a-experience!”

Tom: “Everyone dig in!”
Padma: “Isn’t it nice that we all get to enjoy a bite or two of the dish?”
Tom: “You mean because Gail’s not here to hog it all?”
Padma: “Yes, bless her heart.”

“Man, I am getting full. Where’s Gail when you need her, right? Someone scope out the nearest Taco Bell! I’m just kidding. She’s probably at Curves, bless her heart.”

Toby: “I just found this dish to be flaccid and limp and utterly lacking in any sort of excitement.”
Padma: “Flaccid? Limp? I’m sure those are two words you don’t hear much at the Dildo club, right Jeff?”
Jeff: “For the last time, Padma, it’s DiLIdo. DiLIdo!”
Padma: “What was that? Dildo?”
Jeff: “I am going to punch you.”

“This is awkward.”

“I cannot believe Spike a-beat me. His dish look a-like a monkey ass that fall out of bunky bed! Mine come from a-forty-five thousand year of venison experience!”

Toby: “Padma, we just received a call from the hospital about Gail. We’ve lost her. I’m terribly sorry.”
Padma: “Oh my. So she’s dead?”
Toby: “Oh no. They just literally have lost her. A cotton candy truck drove by, and no one’s seen her since.”
Padma: “That’s Gail! Bless her heart…”