HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Horses & Bitches Edition

So who else finished last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County with a whole new set of wrinkles due to sixty straight minutes of cringing? Man, I thought last week was bad with the dinner from hell (“CUT!”), but this latest trip to the Del Mar race track brought awkwardness to awful new heights. Vicki and Tamra were absolutely horrendous — to the point where they actually made me like Lynne. I mean, I never really had a problem with Lynne — except that she tries to hard to be the “cool mom” (and is kind of amazingly tacky. And has awful fake boobs. But it’s Orange County. That’s just the way it is). Nevertheless, I actually liked Lynne a lot this episode because she was absolutely justified in her reactions to the “Mean Girls” — a.k.a. Tamra and Vicki. Those two women have to get over it. Vicki is just a nutcase; so in a way, I brush it off. Tamra, however, still seems locked in a major high school mentality. Her attempts to downplay her jealousy of Gretchen by calling the younger blonde a copycat were laughable — almost as laughable as her claim to Laurie that she’s only catty when she’s with the other housewives. This, of course, was followed by several catty comments about Jeana, Gretchen, and Vicki.
Nevertheless, watching Vicki and Tamra separate themselves from the group (and then wind up stewing in anger as the rest of the party had more fun) was fairly priceless. I liked their euphemistic description of Lynne as “low-key,” as if that were somehow a bad thing. Of course, we all know that when they say “low-key,” they really mean “outsider, not us, brunette, annoying, stupid, too loud, too quiet, alcoholic, drug-addicted BITCH.” Anyway, Lynne fended off the haters pretty well, as did Gretchen, who managed to pull off the greatest passive-aggressive gesture of the episode: hoarding all the pink hats and then not wearing them. Oh, that pissed off Tamra. I have to admit, when Gretchen first stepped out of the limo at Del Mar in a beige hat, even I did a double take — we watched ten minutes of seemingly never-ending hot pink hat drama only to have it result in THIS? But then I saw the genius of it all, and watching Tamra in her fourth-choice hat gnash her teeth in rage was worth it all.
Man oh man. There was so much in this episode. I haven’t even scratched the surface. I may have to watch it again. In the meantime, here’s the photocap…
(Unfortunately, Bravo did not post many photos this week, and the ones they did post kind of sucked. Oh well. Send an angry email to Andy Cohen)

“These people are so entirely low class. Now excuse me while I jump on a boat and party at Lake Havasu.”

“Well, aren’t you so small and adorable!”

“Oh look. There’s an ex-husband of mine. And an ex-boyfriend. And another ex-boyfriend. We’re all great friends.”

“Hahahaha! You know what else is funny, Tamra? Your fuckin’ forty-one year-old sun damaged chest! Suck it, sister.”

“Simon, this is an extremely important issue for me. Am I or am I not the hottest one here???”

“Hey Kara, check out the liberal hanging from the ceiling. Made ya look! Made ya look!”

“Oh no. My hat blew off. Could you get that for me, sweetie? And more importantly, do I still look seventeen?”

“This is my daughter’s prom dress.”

Vicki: “I’m rooting for the horse that works the hardest.”
Gretchen: “I’m rooting for the horse that’s the biggest flirt.”
Lynne: “I’m rooting for the horse that looks the youngest.”
Tamra: “I’m rooting for the horse that looks the hottest.”
Jeana: “Well let me tell you: they’re all gonna be turned into glue anyway.”