So this latest episode of The Hills was fun and all, but am I crazy for just wanting to fast forward through time and get to the next installment? Because if the preview for Monday’s show was any indication, we’ll be in for some hardcore drama courtesy of Lauren, Audrina, Justin Bobby and a few dirty rumors (emphasis on the word “dirty”). Until we get to that glorious showdown, however, we must contend with this week’s latest developments: Heidi got a second chance, Holly got a second housing option, and Justin Bobby got a second… something. Damn, I was really looking for three “second” things. Oh well. All that really matters is that Justin Bobby looked more in need of a shower than ever before. And let’s not overlook Spencer. No, he wasn’t in need of a fresh scrubbing. He looked clean and recently showered. But what Spencer did need was an attitude check. He was completely out of control this episode, going so far as to literally not make sense as he clashed with Heidi about her sister. I think it’s safe to say that logic will never make an appearance at their humble apartment.
The show started off at resident sweat shop People’s Republic where LC was questioning Whitney on her NYC fling, Jay (a.k.a. the Aussie ass who stole Whit-Whit from the quiet and gentle, if perhaps personality-free Alex). The update was that yes, Whitney was still in touch with Jay, and yes, the dramatic underpinnings of Whitney’s spin-off, The City are now firmly in place.
“I’m so jealous of your fairy tale,” cooed Lauren, who added, “It’s so cute.”
“It’s SO cute,” Whit confirmed. Yes, cute indeed. Except, you know, for that part where you TORE THE HEART OUT OF THAT LONESOME BOY’S CHEST, YOU CRUEL WOMAN!
In other news, we found out that Holly was staying with Lauren, taking over Audrina’s former dungeon (and hopefully using plenty of vinegar to remove the Justin Bobby residue). Whitney complimented LC for her generosity, causing LC to remark that she was simply doing what anyone would do for a friend. Wouldn’t Whitney do the same? Whit-whit shrugged and agreed that yes, she too would do the same. Unless, of course, it involved Alex. Then it’s straight to the curb, loser.
Whitney did voice some reservations about the new living setup, saying that it could make things more complicated on the Speidi front. “How could it possibly get more complicated?” Lauren asked. One word: MURDER. Just sayin’. It would complicate things.
Ultimately, the two girls concluded their discussion with a general statement about Holly’s character: “She’s like Heidi, but without the Spencer,” Whitney said. Yeah, still not sure that’s a ringing endorsement. But both girls seemed happy with it, and on that note, we headed straight to the opening credits.
A few moments later, we were transported to idyllic Venice Beach, California â€â€Ã‚ home to bums, henna enthusiasts, and roving bodybuilders. Of course, we didn’t see any of that. Instead the cameras lingered excessively long on an errant seagull, which I guess was supposed to project some sort of seaside tranquility, but instead just reminded me of the time when one of those dastardly birds tried to poke its beak into my tote bag whilst I was frolicking in the waves. I’d never felt so foolish as the ensuing moments when I ran out of the surf with my arms flapping and my angry voice bellowing, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TOTE!” As embarrassing as it was, at least I didn’t say anything dumb(er) like the kids nearby who endured a similar violation and wound up nervously wondering if they’d get rabies from the gull’s presence.
Well, speaking of embarrassing, we soon caught a glimpse of Audrina and Justin Bobby, and whoa my gosh, J-Bobbs was sporting what could possibly have been his grimiest and most bizarre shirt yet. The best way to describe it is Homeless Renaissance Chic. It had big puffy shoulders (perhaps missing some pads) and a low neckline â€â€Ã‚ not to mention a generally dirty appearance. The kid needs a scrub down STAT.
“I haven’t washed this shirt since I first found it in a puddle on Santa Monica Boulevard.”
But alas, Audrina seems to like the Pig Pen look, oddly-fitting shirts be damned. The two walked along happily, and J-Bobbs invited his lady to join him down in Mexico. Weren’t they just there? And wasn’t it AWFUL? Eh, I guess once is never enough. Soon the two plopped themselves down on a small hill where Audrina declared their environs “pretty.” Pretty? I thought everywhere they went was cute. Wasn’t that what Justin Bobby said two weeks ago? I can’t keep up.
Actually, the proper word for the moment was neither “pretty” nor “cute.”
“There’s something Zenful about it,” Justin Bobby said, introducing a new word to the English language. And who could argue with him? Between the loud street performers, the crowds of tourists, and the cheap tchotchke shops blaring Eurotrash dance music, the place was practically like a giant Zen garden. Venice? They should change the name to Zenice! RIMSHOT!
Anyway, we learned that J-Bobbs doesn’t particularly like to leave Venice Beach, but that’s probably because smelly hobos aren’t as warmly welcomed elsewhere. Nevertheless, the two discussed how since tensions had been squashed, things had been good lately. Not sure if this was a reference to Aud and J-Bobbs or Aud and Loaf, but whatever. This conversation was dull, and I really didn’t care.
Meanwhile, over in Speidi land, an unemployed Heidi was busy looking at clothes in her bedroom when a curious Spencer walked in to find out what she was up to. His flaxen lady explained that she was organizing her closet, and not happy with that activity, Spencer suggested that they instead go to the movies. Heidi turned down the offer, causing him to respond, “This is so boring!” And what, pray tell, does Spencer do all day that is less boring? Chart the progress of his patchy beard? Tap the glass on his fish tank? Adjust his feet on the couch?
Anyway, Spencer ribbed Heidi for getting fired, causing her to snap, “I don’t think I’d be fired if it wasn’t for you.” Spencer quickly shot back that he didn’t force her to get drunk, which eventually led to him faulting her for not taking responsibility for her actions. And if there’s anyone who knows about responsibility, it’s Spencer. I’ve really never seen anyone take ownership of his actions the way he has…
Well, Heidi did take responsibility for having invited Spencer to her fake job and for having had a drink at her fake job, but she then recommended that Spencer take responsibility for whatever he had said to Sam that made him fire her. Yeah, that won’t happen, Heidi. You’ll be a bridesmaid at Lauren’s wedding before Spencer admits any wrongdoing.
Heidi then accused Spencer of messing up many other things in her life: her job and her relationship with her sister to name a few. Normally, that would be cause to dump someone, but not for Heidi. Instead, she just got all shrill and squawked about not even knowing where her sister was in this big ol’ city of theirs. Of course, she made it sound like Holly was off on Skid Row, begging for cash and whoring out her body for a few hits of crack.
Spencer, of course, was unmoved. He reiterated that ever since Holly had come to town, things had gone down hill. “But you’re the one causing all the problems!” Heidi shot back, once again throwing a wrench into Spencer’s warped logic. The truth was a bit much for Spencer to deal with; so he just relied on what’s becoming a tried and true Hills tactic: repeating information back in an incredulous tone.
“I’m the one causing all the problems?” Spencer asked, as if that proved some sort of point. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.
Spencer then changed to a new tactic: changing the subject. He took the emphasis off of himself and put it back on Heidi, labeling her a complainer. “You’re gonna complain about your sister? Your job? What are we gonna complain about now? I was coming in here to cheer you up,” he said, and as you can see, he’s the real victim here. He was merely doing a good deed  trying to be a friendly and supportive boyfriend in Heidi’s time of need  and what did she do? She just THREW IT IN HIS FACE. What a bitch.
That night, we caught up with Lauren and Audrina at local bar Winston’s where the two wondered when the last time was that they had gone out together for a drink. Apparently it was a long time ago. Great.
“I feel like when you and I go out, we’re kind of like trouble!” Lauren said, and I guess by “trouble” she means “furtive glances” and “naughty smiles.” Yeah, I’m not sure I would characterize these two as particularly troublesome drinkers. Although, there was that time when Audrina grabbed a girl’s elbow after she had hooked up with Justin Bobby. Trouble indeed!
Anyway, the girls talked about how they now had to make plans to hang out and how Holly was living in the back house and blah blah blah. Audrina unsurprisingly brought the conversation over to her relationship with Justin Bobby, who, we learned, was now totally over the Hollywood scene. Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it. Aud then repeated her mantra of the season about J-Bobbs, saying, “There’s just that connection we have that I don’t have with anyone else.” Yeah, it’s called CO-DEPENDENCY. ENOUGH.
“He’ll always be my number one,” Audrina said with a big goofy smile, perhaps unaware of how sad it all made her, especially since I think we all have the nagging feeling that Aud is probably only Justin Bobby’s #9.
After the break, we journeyed over to Audrina’s house where her sister was sitting on a nice couch, observing the girly improvements to the previously empty estate. Aud happily noted that Justin Bobby helps her out “here and there” (so gracious of her number 1!) and that the two of them have a pretty good schedule of visiting each other’s places in Hollywood and Venice. I’m shocked Casey didn’t crinkle her nose and say, “I can tell he was just here. This couch smells like cigarette butts and gutter.”
Instead, Audrina wowed her sister by revealing that Justin Bobby’s tooth brush was upstairs. “Oh goodness,” Casey remarked, adding, “I didn’t realize he brushed his teeth!”
Okay, Casey did not say that, but she did bash J-Bobbs’ aloofness and annoying tendency to disappear for days at a time without any sort of warning. Not a problem for Audrina, who shrugged it all off by saying that she’s gotten to the point where she just doesn’t care anymore.
“That’s sad though,” Casey said, thankfully speaking for the audience. She explained to her sister that by her merely putting up with Justin Bobby’s behavior, she was quietly assenting to being a convenience in his life, not an equal member of a relationship.
“What can I say? I love him!” Audrina replied, perhaps confusing love for manipulation. I mean, she might as well have said, “What can I say? I’m drawn to his incessant need to abusively push me away and then beg for my forgiveness because they make me feel wanted and instill a false sense of affection, which I interpret as love!” Sigh.
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Heidi sashayed through the halls of SBE’s big time offices, ultimately arriving in the inner-sanctum of Sam Nazarian, who amusingly had his computer monitor facing the cameras in a shameless effort to display the SBE logo on its desktop. Smooth. Real smooth. (Like anyone ever has their computer facing the doorway of their office for everyone to see). Well, as soon as Heidi took a seat, she began to grovel and he began to berate. It was a bit annoying. I did enjoy Sam’s puzzlement over Heidi’s work ethic and relationship. “What’s the issue?” he asked, going on to say, “The Spencer thing I don’t even get.” Welcome to my world, brother.
And yet, in the middle of all this, Sam confessed “Listen, you do good work.” Heidi works? I had to assume this pertained to the free publicity she brought to the company. Nevertheless, Sam reinstated Heidi on a trial basis at his new hotel and warned her that if Spencer showed up on one of his properties, he’d be kicked off.
“I promise it won’t happen,” Heidi said, which of course meant that it most certainly would. And I couldn’t wait!
Over at FIDM, we found Lauren sitting on a chair and typing away on her Dell laptop while a nifty little Britney Spears hat rested atop her head. Gotta say, I always figured Lauren to be a Mac, not a PC. I felt a little bad for her and her lowly Dell. Anyway, Stephanie Pratt eventually meandered on over and expressed general anxiety about an upcoming final exam. Oooh. Hopefully she won’t be saddled with an extra challenging collage assignment!
“Just so you know, Alicia Keys gave me this hat.”
Anyway, Lauren informed Steph that Holly was staying in the backyard dungeon, causing Steph to reply, “Doesn’t Holly know someone else? This will cause so many problems!”  the main problem surely being that Steph wanted to take the guest house for herself. Nevertheless, Lauren merely brushed it all off. “To be honest,” she started, “I don’t really care what Heidi thinks.” I believe LC when she said this, but a part of me wondered if the only reason she was telling Stephanie any of this news was because she knew Steph would immediately blab to Heidi, and Heidi would not take the news well. It was Lauren’s subtle way of telling Speidi, “HA!”
After the break, we headed over to Lauren’s house where she, Holly, and Lo were hanging out in the kitchen, chatting about how rude it was for Spencer and Heidi to kick out a blood relative. Like much of the rest of America, they noted how Spencer crashed at Steph’s place for quite a while, and even worse, he acted as if he had owned the place. At least Holly had the decency to cook for Speidi and clean the apartment. This prompted Lo to smile reassuringly and say, “We don’t have rules here. You don’t have to clean. Look around!”
In an awkward move, however, Holly cut off Lo and said “That’s part of being a houseguest!” It may not have seemed like much of anything, but I realized that these two girls were sort of not on the same wavelength. When Lo said “You don’t have to clean,” Holly interpreted that as “Of course not. I’m the guest, and guests don’t clean.” Lo, however, by saying “Look around,” it was her way of saying, “We keep it clean here; so you don’t have to clean.” She did NOT, however, suggest that she would be cleaning FOR Holly. So don’t get too comfortable, Holls. You spill it, you clean it â€â€Ã‚ or else Lo will become Loaf, and we all know what that’s like.
Anyway, all this talk about the living situation had made Holly “furious”; so what better way to deal with the situation than popping open a bottle of wine.
“Good!” Lo said cheerfully before remembering that oh yeah, this was a trying time for Holly. Suddenly, her face went from glowing smile to passionate concern. Gotta love her (now that she’s back to normal).
Well, the girls continued to bash Spencer and his relationship with Heidi, and ultimately, Lauren said, “He just drives away everyone that cares about her.” Yes, that’s called an abusive relationship. Yay!
In case there was any doubts about Spencer’s character, we then caught him fixing some food in his kitchen as Heidi sat nearby on a couch. He told her that he was excited that she’d be going back to work. What’s this? Spencer being supportive? Not so much. He then said, “I’m looking at it as a great thing because you won’t be MOPING around here anymore.” Of course, there’s a chance Spencer was just joking around sarcastically… but probably not.
Nevertheless, Heidi replied, “That’s really nice,” and sadly, she probably meant it.
Soon the doorbell rang, and in walked Steph, much to the consternation of Spencer. “We lose one mooch sister, and we get another one!” he said loudly, proud of his impromptu joke. He then added, “Joker. They should just call the movie Joker.”
Well, Steph settled down on a couch, and Spencer, making a strange bird noise, alerted her that he’d made a plate of food for her. Believe it or not, I found it to be a surprisingly endearing moment â€â€Ã‚ a rarity when it comes to the Pratts. Spencer actually seemed, dare I say it?, brotherly. Didn’t last long though. When Stephanie revealed that Holly was staying at Lauren’s place, Spencer immediately shot some devil eyes at the girls.
“Whatchu talkin’ about, Heidi?”
Steph defended the situation, saying, “Holly was homeless. Who’s gonna say no to a homeless person?” A) I would say no to a homeless person  sorry, it’s the truth  and b) Steph makes it sound like Holly was a freakin’ bag lady. Seriously, these people keep dramatizing the situation entirely too much.
Spencer, meanwhile, introduced a conspiracy theory to all these shenanigans, saying that Heidi’s mother had orchestrated the whole thing. “That sounds like something Stalker Mom would do,” he said.
“Don’t call her Stalker Mom!” Heidi said, thankfully. I still don’t really understand the whole Stalker Mom moniker. As far as I could tell, Darlene didn’t really stalk, well, anything. But I guess you can never really look for logic in Spencerisms.
Oh, and as for that whole big brother sweetness I alluded to before? Yeah, it disappeared instantly when Spencer said of Darlene, “She’s worse than Stephanie!”
Yeah, I know it’s just dry humor, but still it’s amazing that he can be such a dick to so many people all at once. I’m not sure if I’m appalled or impressed.
Needless to say, Spencer then announced, “It shows you that everything I’ve said about Holly is completely true!” Huh? What did he say about Holly? That she’d join Team Lauren after SPENCER MERCILESSLY DROVE HER AWAY FROM TEAM HEIDI? I think that’s more Spencer’s fault than Holly’s. Logic be damned, he continued, “And LC gets her karma by getting the mooch of the century crash at her pad.” Soooo… does that mean Spencer’s staying with Lauren now? Because that seems highly unlikely.
Anyway, Heidi became frustrated that Spencer didn’t care about her sister, going so far as to call him insensitive.
“I’m insensitive?” he asked. “Your sister is the insensitive one!” HUH? That literally didn’t even make sense. He was just parroting and repurposing Heidi’s words (again, a symptom of chronic Justin Bobby-itis). And don’t think it stopped there.
“You’re just being an ass,” Heidi seethed.
“How is that an ass?” Spencer replied.
“You’re not even paying attention to the problem right now!”
“Your sister’s the problem! YOU’RE going off track here!”
“Maybe you’re the problem!”
ENOUGH, PEOPLE. Stop saying the same things back to each other. For the record, Heidi’s points were all valid. Spencer, unsurprisingly, were just deflections. However, when Heidi suggested that he was the source of the problems, Spencer really could deflect no more as the reality of the situation was entirely too great. Instead he just stared back silently. Okay, well, I guess that was done.
We then headed to a restaurant named Medusa (appetizing!) where Justin Bobby and Audrina were settling down for romantic dinner. “Eat your veggies!” J-Bobbs said. “What are you doing? You’re a young girl. Step it up, dude!” I suppose this passed for romantic patter, which was a bit unfortunate, but hey, if it works for Audrina, then… well… she really is smitten, isn’t she?
Anyway, J-Bobbs then decided to wax philosophical, ironically commenting, “Maturity is probably one of the most key things in a relationship, I think.” Audrina just nodded her head, perhaps not realizing that talking about maturity doesn’t actually bestow maturity. (Of course, neither does snickering at a highly edited presentation of random people’s lives, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Well, this exceptionally fascinating rumination by Justin Bobby was cut short when the Bearded One decided to hand over a gift to his lady. That’s right, the sly guy had hidden a gift in a bag behind his chair (how Audrina hadn’t noticed it is beyond me), and it turned out to be… a new shirt! I’m not sure I’d trust the sartorial choices of J-Bobbs, but Audrina seemed delighted (of course she would â€â€Ã‚ all abused partners enjoy the gifting part of the vicious circle). “I could be good when I want to be,” Justin Bobby said before joking, “No bras with that thing, okay? Thank you!” And by “bras” he meant “showering.”
Anyway, the two chatted some more, but honestly I wasn’t really paying attention because a) I didn’t care, and b) J-Bobbs fidgeted and shifted around so frequently, I became more interested on what narcotic he could have been on. Coke? Meth? Filth?
Ultimately, as the conversation wound down, Justin Bobby told Aud, “At least you know you’re loved, you know?” He then added, “I only give my lice to those I really care about.”
“I’m mature now! I know this because I said the word ‘mature!'”
Okay, he didn’t say that. But he did note, “It’s all about growing up. Living and learning.” I wouldn’t say there was too much of any of that going on with these two, but it was nice to see that they were at least pretending to have healthy perspective on things. We’ll just see if these words ring true after the next ep. Can’t wait…
What did you think about this episode?