HILLS RECAP: Australian for Lame

Happy Halloween, everyone! To celebrate today’s festivities, I’m bringing you a recap of a positively SCARY episode of The Hills. And by “scary,” I mean “scary boring,” because that’s what this week was. Sure, there were some fleeting amusing moments (Chiara scolding her Master being prime among them), but the rest was kind of blaaah. I guess that’s what happens when Audrina’s boy drama takes over the show. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice girl, but Aud has never been a bastion of personality, and therefore, it’s hard to care much for her on-and-off escapades with Justin Bobby. As a minor subplot, they’re fine, but as the dominating story, they’re tedious. Whatever happened to Lauren? Isn’t this her show?
Nevertheless, like a trick or treater who just got stuck with a box of raisins, I’ll continue forward, hopeful that next week will bring the candy goodness that I so crave. In the meantime, off to the recap!

This week’s episode kicked off at Epic Records where faithful sidekick Chiara revealed to us that she and Audrina would be sitting in on a recording session with famed singer / homicidal driver Brandy. This made Aud extremely excited, but not because she was about to meet the sister of a Kim Kardashian’s sex-tape partner. No, Audrina was bubbling over because in the studio she could forget about everything going on in the outside world. “I’m really on a forgetting kick,” she said, amusingly implying that she was ever on a “mentally retaining” kick.
Turns out Audrina really was on a forgetting kick — as in, the first thing she did was forget she was on a forgetting kick by reminiscing about Cabo and how Justin Bobby really pushed her buttons. This, of course, prompted Chiara to explain to Audrina that J-Bobs was just toying with her. Specifically, he’s not interested in her unless it’s a game. I personally don’t know how many people have to tell Audrina this before she finally gets it, but I guess this might just be one of those things that gets filed in the “forgetting kick” category.
And yet, for some reason, Chiara then felt the need to heap praise upon her Master. “Audrina, I think you’re starting to figure things out a little bit!,” she cooed.
Um, no.
Chiara’s statement was so far from the truth that she might as well have hung a “Mission Accomplished!” banner over Audrina’s cubicle. Nevertheless, we then cut to the opening credits, and afterwards, we found ourselves in the decidedly unglamorous and therefore un-Hills-ish locale of Diamond Foam and Fabric. I was kind of hoping it would be a warehouse full of diamond-studded foam (how luxurious!), but instead it was just a run of the mill fabric shop. Nevertheless, we soon saw Stephanie Pratt walking down an aisle with some anonymous friend whose face was frustratingly obscured by an errant roll of what I imagined was laced tulle (look at the big words I learn from Project Runway!). Finally, after what felt like ten minutes (it was only like two seconds), we discovered her companion was… LC! Who’d have thunk it? Apparently these two were friends again and now they were undertaking a vigorous assignment to select some prints and solids for class. I know what you’re thinking: intense. But after completing that tricky magazine collage a few weeks ago, I think it goes without saying that these girls are ready for any challenge FIDM throws at them.
Anyway, the ladies chit chatted about Cabo, and Lauren explained how DOUG shipped in a whole slew of girls for Brody. “It was really funny,” LC commented, perhaps forgetting the perma-scowl she had on her face during the entire March of the Sleazies. The conversation then shifted onto Steph, who chirped away about Cameron, her new boyfriend. This immediately prompted Lauren to let out one of her patented “Yays!”, which was then followed by an invite to Crown Bar for a night of drinks and revelry. One problem: Brody was gonna be there. So make that a night of drinks, revelry, and bitching. Steph was fine with that though. She noted that she’d have “protection” in case Brody started up. I didn’t really know what she meant by “protection.” Was she gonna pepper spray him? Or wrap a condom over his head? (Get it? Protection? Is this thing on?). Of course, what Steph meant was that Cameron would stand up for her, which was a laughably quaint delusion. Sista friend, the only one who can stand up for you is you. Mmmmhmmm. Wow, I don’t know where that sass came from, but it speaks the truth. Ain’t that right, Aretha?

“Girlfriend, if you don’t stand up for yo’self, I’m gonna EAT YOU.”

Okay, I have to get a hold of myself. What can I say? It’s Halloween — I’ve been possessed!
Anyway, the scene ended with Steph accepting Lauren’s invitation, causing the latter girl to say, “It’ll be fine. We’ll have fun!” Hmmm… that feels dubious to me. What say you, Cindy McCain?

“OH REALLY? Stephanie and Brody in the same room having fun? I don’t think so.”

The woman has a point.
We then headed over to Hollywood while on the soundtrack, we heard “I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You” by the Black Kids — a great song that was prominently featured in the extremely underrated movie, American Teen. Definitely try to see it when it comes out on DVD (whenever that is). Anyway, we arrived at Lauren’s house where we found Brody sitting in the backyard, dipping his feet into the pool — or as I like to call it, the watery receptacle of Justin Bobby’s sex-type germs. Upon seeing Brody, I silently wondered how long it would take before he bitched about something, and I’m proud to report that it only took about .3 seconds. Not more than an instant after we first saw him, Brody complained that the pool was in need of heating, and then he chided Lauren for not wearing her bikini. Luckily, he didn’t harp on these points very long. He’d have bigger fish to fry in just a few moments.
Lauren informed the Brodester that Steph was coming to Crown Bar, causing him to skeptically ask if the two girls were now besties again. Not knowing how to respond, Lauren kind of seized up, convulsing oddly before muttering out an “I don’t know” of sorts. Hey, it’s understandable. Anyone who’s met a Pratt has the same bodily reaction.
LC then noted that Steph was in a really good relationship, and Brody replied insincerely that he was happy for her. In fact, he was so happy for her that he then launched into a tirade about how AWFUL Stephanie was. “How do you not see that she’s shady?” he asked incredulously, clearly not realizing that as an adult it’s time that he just shuts up and lets Lauren make her own mistakes. Nevertheless, Brody continued, happily administering a double standard in his argument: “She did all that thing with Doug. Like, she’s not the kind of person I like to surround myself with.” But Doug on the other hand, he’s perfectly fine to be in Brody’s posse. Hmmm… maybe if Steph had a private jet and some burrito money it would be okay.

“Wow, Brody, you really are just AWFUL, aren’t you?”

Well, Brody continued to reach new petulant heights, whining, “I just don’t want to hang out with her!” And when he found out that Cameron might defend Stephanie’s honor, the Brodester got all his feathers ruffled, barking to Lauren, “I’ll be like, ‘Listen, homie, why don’t I pull you outside and tell you a couple of things about your little girlfriend that you don’t know!'” Thankfully, LC put the kibosh on this ridiculousness by sternly ordering, “LIGHTEN UP.”
THANK GOD. I’ve waited three seasons for her to say that.
Even better, Lauren then shoved Brody into the pool (Ack! No heating! The pain! THE PAIN!) and walked away. I have to say, prior to Lauren’s regulating, I was most amused by Brody’s threat. First of all, starting off with “Listen, homie” is always a bad idea. The unironic use of homie means you automatically can’t be taken seriously. It’s like the verbal equivalent of a trucker hat. Second of all, when Brody said “Why don’t I pull you outside and–“, I kind of thought he was promising a threat of violence. But no, instead Brody just wanted to… gossip? Lame.
Speaking of lame, we then headed over to dinner with Audrina and her Aussie mate, Cory (g’day!), who were both smiling and admiring each other’s company. Aud told Cory that she was happy that they were hanging out, and with a big cheesy smile, he replied back, “I know. It’s noice!!!” Hey, it’s not every day you get to eat fancy food with a Sheilah like Audrina, right, mates? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Cory was as flash as a rat with a gold tooth! OY!
Anyway, talk soon shifted to the Mexico trip, and we were thus treated to our third Cabo recap of the episode (and the second by Audrina). Aud casually mentioned that Justin Bobby had flown down, and Cory immediately ragged her for it. “A romantic getaway to Cabo?” he asked half-jokingly. He then added, “It’s like that old song about the wallaby and the koala. We sing it every yeee-ah at Chrissy.”
Nevertheless, Audrina insisted that nothing illicit happened down in Mexico. It was mostly just a guy’s trip anyway, she claimed, but Cory appeared doubtful. I’m shocked he didn’t just shake his head and sneer, “Don’t come the raw prawn, Audrina. You think I’m a stubby short of a sixpack? Because let me tell you: things are crook in Tallarook!”
Audrina, however, tried to change the subject. “I don’t really want to talk about Justin,” she said, adding, “Which is funny because Justin always tells me that I try to change the subject, and I’m like no, Justin, I just want to talk about something else. But you know Justin. He always likes to talk about motorcycles. He has this great one that you should check out, actually…”
Okay, Audrina didn’t say that. Instead we just went to commercial, and upon return, we found ourselves at West Hollywood hotspot Crown Bar where Stephanie and Cameron were taking their seats in what promised to be a booth of intense drama. Cam admitted that he wasn’t particularly excited to meet Steph’s friends, and furthermore, he promised “If Brody comes, I’ll take him aside and talk with him.” Surely this would lead to a heated exchange of phrases such as “Listen, Homie,” and “No, YOU listen, Homie” and “I got something to say to you, Homie” and “No, I got something to say to YOU, homie” and so on and so forth.
Cameron, however, elaborated on the real reasons why he wanted to have a heart-to-bitchy-heart with the Brodester, telling Steph, “Nothing will make me more awkward than people talking to you like that.” He then added, “I’m already incredibly awkward as it is. Let’s not take it to the next level. Seriously, I’m awkward. Don’t you see the cagey way I stare at people?”
Nevertheless, Lauren soon arrived at the booth and immediately commented on how cute the couple was together. This somehow led to further Brody-bashing, with a confident Cameron boasting, “I want him to see me and just be like, I hate you.” Don’t you worry, Cam. Asking Brody to bitch and whine is like asking the sun to shine: it’s gonna happen sooner or later.
Well, speaking of sunshine, Brody at last entered the bar, and for once he eschewed his standard trucker hat for a more low-key knit cap. The change in headwear happily signaled a change in attitude as Brody for once acted like an adult and didn’t complain about a single thing. This shocking bout of maturity clearly sent the evening’s plans into tailspin, and Cameron quickly aborted his stated plan to pull the Brodester aside and give him a piece of his admittedly awkward mind. Stephanie, however, was not going to let such potential for drama fall by the wayside. Ever the instigator, she asked her boyfriend, “Are you gonna talk to him?” but Cameron merely just gulped and looked away. I know MTV was trying to make him look like a giant pussy, but seriously, he did the right thing. Why create drama when everyone was getting along perfectly fine? The whole point was that Cameron was going to say something if Brody started up. Sigh.

“‘sup, Brody. This is my tough face. It’s also my very awkward face.”

Nevertheless, Brody also seemed slightly disappointed by the lack of confrontation. “That’s weird,” he told Lauren in a tough-guy voice, “I thought homie wanted to say something to me.” Poor Brody. No fight for him tonight. It’s probably all for the best though — he is very delicate. Must I remind you of the time that Lauren broke his arm playing touch football? It’s like the boy is made of tissue paper.
Meanwhile, over at the ominously titled Darkchild Studios, we found Audrina and Chiara and (said like the girl on The Soup) It’s Brandy! Yes, Moesha herself was browsing through cover art, showing the girls her favorite pics — as if normal underlings would ever get that opportunity. It was clear that Brandy was just maneuvering for face time to promote her album, which is fine, but the fact that she had to ride Audrina’s coattails to get exposure was all kind of sad. I mean, not sad like I-killed-a-woman-on-the-405-freeway sad, but, well, you know what I’m saying.

“And this here is a picture of my brother having sex with Kim Kardashian!”

Anyway, Brandy was soon called off into the recording booth, which meant the girls could then move onto more important issues: talking about Cory and Justin Bobby! Audrina confessed to Chiara that her heart just wasn’t there with Cory. It looked so right, but at the end of the day, they were like two toilets flushing in opposite directions. We then cut to a random shot of Brandy singing gratuitously, and when we’d had enough of that, we learned that Justin Bobby was outside, waiting to chat with Audrina. Apparently she’d texted him where she was, not expecting him to actually show up. I guess she thought he wanted to know her location purely for his own edification.
“Interesting,” Chiara mumbled, clearly at her wits end (like the rest of us) with this ridiculous on-and-off relationship.
Well, in a defiant failure of her self-proclaimed forgetting kick, Audrina stepped outside to chat with Justin Bobby. This, of course, was a hallowed ritual: meeting the awful BF in a dark alley outside of work. It’s a scenario Heidi and Spencer have employed ad nauseam. Nevertheless, Audrina asked J-Bobbs what was going on, and he replied, “I’ve been thinking.” Well, there’s a first for everything. Maybe next week we can move onto showering? I know, baby steps.
Anyway, Justin Bobby expressed concern that he became THAT guy in Cabo — you know, the obnoxious, immature, stinky kid who wears oversized cutoffs and steals flower headbands. It happens to all of us. Audrina, however, admitted that with Cory, she’s been trying to make herself fall for someone when in fact she still was thinking about J-Bobbs. It’s because they have something special, theorized Justin Bobby. However, there was one major problem. “To be in a relationship, we kind of gotta be, like, together.” Consider my mind blown. To read more of these insightful observations, be sure to pick up a copy of Justin Bobby’s new book, Did You Know That We Actually Breathe Air?

“One douche, at your service!”

Justin Bobby then engaged in an articulate analysis of his relationship with Audrina, noting that 90% of the time, it was all “pretty right on.” He then promised “I will pretty much always be there for you.” Well, at least 90% of the time. Unsurprisingly, Audrina took him back, somehow interpreting the term “pretty much” as a sign of full commitment. I’d like to see him pull that off at his wedding.
“Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, through sickness and health, for richer or poor, ’til death do you part?”
“Pretty much I do. No guarantees though.”
After the break, we found Audrina and Chiara back together again assembling packets in a conference room at Epic. Chiara immediately asked about J-Bobbs and what was going on with him, which seemed odd being that she was RIGHT THERE when it all happened. The only two things I could deduce from the question was that Aud had actually gone off into the night with her man, which would have been highly unprofessional, or instead Aud had returned to the studio but had maintained a vow of silence that had only been broken at this very moment. Also highly unprofessional.
Nevertheless, Audrina explained that Justin Bobby had “said all the right things.” Yeah, exactly. Usually when guys have a history of toying with you and can say all the right things, that’s what we like to call MANIPULATION. Sadly, our blank-faced nymph was incapable of accepting this truth, and so she rebuffed Chiara’s judgment, saying, “I don’t think he’d do that just to play with me, especially coming to work.” Yeah, Justin Bobby would never play with your emotions. I mean, we saw how he acted in Cabo. Just a straight shooting, totally mature guy.
Chiara, however, wasn’t buying any of it. “Think of how many times you’ve wanted to end it with him, though. There’s a reason for that,” she stated bluntly, causing shouts of “THANK YOU” from living rooms across the country. And she wasn’t done yet. That’s right, Chiara abandoned all hopes of being Aud’s best besty and let her mounting frustration with the situation take over. “He can’t keep coming and sweeping you off your feet!” she lectured.
Audrina, however, replied with some classic abused-girl excuses: “He wouldn’t say those things if he didn’t really care!” Or… it’s a game to him and he’ll say whatever’s necessary to keep you under his power. Just thinkin’ out loud.
Chiara shrugged off Audrina’s protests and postulated that Justin Bobby merely gets scared when he thinks he’s going to lose her and does what he can to keep her wrapped around his finger. Aud, however, was certain that THIS time he meant what he said.
“But he said it last time too!!” Chiara rebutted. Oh, I just wanted to SHAKE Audrina. Thank goodness Chiara was being so awesome. I think she may be turning into Elodie 2.0.
Audrina ultimately cooed that she and Justin Bobby had something special. Yes, it’s called AWFULNESS.
Chiara merely sighed and muttered, “I just don’t want you to fall back into the same trap you’ve fallen into FIFTEEN TIMES BEFORE.” Awww Snap! Honestly, I could have hugged Chiara. But alas, no amount of logic could persuade Audrina to abandon her terrible choices. Let’s just chalk it all up to daddy issues and move on.

“Have I really just spent a year as the hopeful sidekick of this idiot?”

We then headed over to The Waffle in Hollywood, home to the smallest $9 waffles you’ve EVER seen in your entire life (don’t get me started. I will seriously get angry). We found wee Stephanie Pratt sitting by herself with that patented Charlie Brown squiggly mouth on her face as usual. Moments later, the unholy union of Speidi arrived, with Spencer sarcastically announcing, “I thought we were on Stephanie and Cameron time, which is forty minutes late usually.” BURN!! Although, if he thought they were on “Stephanie and Cameron time” and they arrived forty minutes late, doesn’t that actually make them on time, and doesn’t that negate “Stephanie and Cameron time?” It’s a paradox!
Apparently Cameron was supposed to join for this mighty brunch, but he bailed because, you know, who wants to deal with Speidi? This was unacceptable to Spencer. “How you gonna flake out on brunch?” he asked incredulously, as if Cameron had actually stood up Queen Elizabeth II for Her Majesty’s Royal High Tea.
Nevertheless, Speidi began grilling Steph on her love for Cam, asking to rank him on a scale of one to ten. Steph, however, couldn’t even come up with a number, but to be fair, I’m not totally sure she can count higher than three. Spencer then rolled his eyes over Cameron not actually confronting Brody at Crown Bar. It may be shocking to Spence, but some people do actually have class in this city. Steph, meanwhile, played all innocent, saying “I’m not a fight starter!” She then added, “I just like to do things that cause OTHER people to start fights. Big difference.”
By the end of the conversation, Steph admitted that she always wants to break up with Cam after every meal she has with Speidi. “There you go!” Spencer remarked, perhaps not realizing that maybe her sister wants to dump Cameron to spare him the intense frustration of dealing with Spencer on a regular basis.
Speaking of dumping, that night we found Audrina eating dinner with Cory, who was so happy to see his toothy Sheilah that he gave her a little koala bear. I think we all knew where this was going: a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down, OY!

“You mind if I call you Kylie?”

Cory then started babbling away about his travel plans yet again, reminding us for the umpteenth time that he’d be leaving for Australia in December, getting home “awn Chrissmas eve! Just right in toime for Chrissy!” After that he planned to just hang out for two months, which he then noted was a “long toime!” Well, it’s not a long “toime” if you plan to rattle your dags, if you know what I’m sayin’.
Well, the lovestruck Cory invited Audrina down to his hemisphere — you know, a little Chrissy vacation — but Aud couldn’t commit.
“It’s tough troyin’ to git toime t’gethah,” Cory observed, perhaps tempted to ask, “Do you want to blow on my didgeridoo or not?”
Before things got too involved, Audrina put a halt to Cory’s plans. Yes, it was time for the breakup: “I think things just aren’t working out,” she said. Gosh, Cory must have felt like such a drongo!
Audrina commented that things were moving just a bit too fast for her liking, and truth be told, a toy koala IS a big step. It’s not to be taken lightly. She then revealed that she was going back to Justin Bobby, causing Cory to sigh sadly and look off into the distance. No surprise there. The mere uttering of Justin Bobby’s name is about as popular as a blowie at a butcher’s picnic. Still, Cory put on a strong face and announced that he wouldn’t be getting all emotional about the breakup, but MTV wasn’t about to just let him off the hook. The producers happily cued up the latest Alanis breakup song in an effort to tell the audience “HE IS VERY SAD,” but alas, I didn’t really buy it. I always got the impression that Cory knew what he was getting: a girl with baggage but easy booty nonetheless.
Well, after having gorged themselves on plenty of food, the two were full up to dolly’s wax, causing Cory to ask, “So whatta you reckon? You wanna get outta heeya?” In Hills-speak, that usually means “Fair suck of the sauce bottle, mate, are we gonna DO IT?” but for the first time ever, an after-dinner proposition was met with merely a hug and a parting of ways. Yes, the two former lovebirds separated, and the saga of Cory came to a not so thrilling end.

“No big deal. It’s not like I’m gonna throw m’self off Ayers Rock or anything.”

Dammit, I really wanted to incorporate more Australian terms. Oh well. A whim-wham for a goose’s bridle!
What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Justin-Bobby? Cory?