HILLS RECAP: When the Cat's Away, the Mice Will Play (and go on dates with your exes)

After last week’s less than exciting episode, I was thrilled to see The Hills back in fine fettle as the various sidekicks that orbit the Conrad universe manage to crash and burn without the stern presence of their Master. Yes, Lauren was off to Italy for most of this episode, which meant that all her besties had to fend for themselves, a task they all didn’t quite succeed in. Basically, there was complete chaos in Los Angeles, but it was all worth it to see Brody’s surgically enhanced cougar mom make her first cameo appearance on the show. Maybe we should rename this show to the Over-The-Hills. Rimshot! I kill me.

As the episode commenced, we returned to a sacred tradition that was once a staple of Laguna Beach and earlier editions of The Hills: the Master packing sequence. Yes, as all sidekicks know, there is no honor greater than observing a Master pack his or her suitcase, and with Lauren’s impending family sojourn to Italia, both her sidekicks — Audrina and Lo — eagerly seized the opportunity to sit by Lauren’s side and watch her stuff her luggage with various garments and shoes. A thrilling experience for all involved.
The three girls chirped away about Lauren’s fashion choices — fancy dress yes, heels no — but Lauren had more pressing concerns on her mind: would her two frenemy sidekicks be able to get along in her absence?
“Audrina and I are going to have fun,” Lo said, adding, “You know, I won’t talk to her, she won’t talk to me, and we’ll be happy as peas in a pod… assuming she’s not in my goddamn pod.”
Okay, Lo didn’t say that, but she did utter awkwardly, “Me and Audrina, kicking it… without… you…” Yes, that was convincing. Even more convincing was Audrina’s “oh shit” gulp that immediately followed this generally uncomfortable moment. Yup, the sidekick bonding experiment looked to be full of hugs and sunshine…
Eventually, the gang headed downstairs where Audrina and Lo sent off Lauren with a flurry of hugs and emphatic goodbyes. It seemed a bit excessive, to the point where I half expected Lo to break a champagne bottle on Lauren’s fender. Nevertheless, as Lauren drove off, the two girls seemed to engage in a battle of who could say goodbye last. It seemed like Audrina had the edge with her sneaky “Bye!” but then at the last second, Lo slipped in an emphatic “BYE!” with a wave. Oh, but we weren’t quite done. We then heard one last “BYYEEE!!!” but alas, I couldn’t tell if it was a Hail Mary by Audrina or just Lo padding her lead. I guess we’ll never know. Of course, as we watched Lauren drive off, I couldn’t help but wonder why exactly Lauren was driving herself to the airport. I mean, isn’t that what friends are for? Rides to LAX? (Maybe she was headed down to Laguna to meet up with the fam first? It’s all very confusing to me.)

“So…”

Well, after the opening credits, we found Stephanie ambling on over to Lauren’s house, which seemed odd considering that her Master was on a different continent at the time. Maybe she just wanted to nestle up against LC’s pillow, breathe in the presence of her absent Master. Either way, there was no immediately obvious reason for her to be there, a point not lost on Audrina who, when Steph buzzed at the gate, informed her “Lauren’s not here.” Translation: “SO YOU BEST KEEP ON WALKIN’.”
Amazingly, Stephanie revealed that she actually wanted to talk to Audrina, not Lauren — which just goes to prove that without a Master around, the world turns to chaos: sidekicks seek out the companionship of other sidekicks, and, well, that’s pretty much it. But that’s chaotic enough! Anyway, Stephanie entered the kitchen where we found Audrina brandishing a very menacing knife. To be fair, she was carving up a watermelon, but still, I wouldn’t trust her with such a dangerous weapons. Look into her vacant eyes: is she happy? Is she mad? You never know what she’ll do with a knife!
For her part, Steph kicked things off on a passive-aggressive note, declaring, “Oh my God! You’re so tan!” You’re just noticing this now? Hey Stephanie, welcome to HAVING EYES.
Audrina, meanwhile, explained her burnt umber complexion by saying “I laid out all weekend!” And the weekend before that. And the weekend before that. And the weekend before THAT too. Oh, and all the days in between. Basically, she’s been in the sun for the past 1,035 hours. She’s a reverse vampire.
Beside sunning, our sepia-tinted star revealed that she and Lo had been cooking a lot this week, which I’ll just assume meant the girls had engaged in multiple attempts at poisoning each other (evidently unsuccessfully). Stephanie, meanwhile, had had an equally interesting past few days. Doug (rhymes with UGH) had asked her out to dinner. But should she go? That all depended. If she still wanted to be a sidekick, then no, she should turn down Doug. If she wanted to be a pariah and shunned from the clique for the rest of her life, then sure, go for it! Let’s not forget how that all worked out for Jen Bunney, the not-so-innocent victim of Brody-gate back in season two. If you’re saying “Jen who?” then yes, my point exactly.
Knowing that the wrath of Lauren is second only to that of Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon combined, Audrina advised Stephanie to wait until LC got back from Italy before doing anything stupid (a.k.a. going on a date with Doug). Why she even had to articulate this was beyond me. First rule of sidekicking: never go behind your Master’s back! Especially if your Master is the star of a hit show on MTV. But I guess when you’re a Pratt, you’re bound to do inordinately stupid things; so hey, all bets are off!
Speaking of stupid, Stephanie questioned whether she should wait for Lauren. After all, “How would she find out?” she asked. WELL, informing Lauren’s roommate about your dubious intentions is a good way to get the word out. Audrina, however, played dumb and simply replied, “I don’t know…” Meanwhile, we could already see her shuffling through her inner Rolodex, thinking to herself, “Just how many people can I tell about this in the next 5.3 seconds?”
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, we found Heidi Montag clomping her way out of the women’s room at SBE, ultimately sashaying up to Kimberly’s cubicle where the two talked about an upcoming X-Games event to be held somewhere in the city. While this was utterly fascinating, the conversation sadly transitioned to Heidi announcing that she would not only be bringing Spencer to the event, but hell, she was gonna drag him out to a bar THAT NIGHT! This was a big deal because, according to Heidi, they’d gotten into a rut of staying in all the time. You know how that is — never wanting to go out because everyone in the whole damn city hates you. Nevertheless, Heidi was gonna buck the trend because after all, “We can stay in when we’re old!” Sadly, I had a disturbing feeling that by “old” she meant “27.” (T-minus two and a half months before my twenties are dunzo!)

“That was a nice story and all, but could you leave my cubicle now?”

“Of course not.”

Meanwhile, over on Melrose Avenue, Audrina and Lo settled down for a casual lunch outside the ivy-clad walls of Fred Segal — my favorite place to buy tacky, Eurotrash t-shirts for $300. It was a bit odd seeing Lo and Audrina partaking in a civil social experience together, but thankfully it wasn’t awkward at all. Well, some of it was awkward. And by “some,” I mean “ALL.” Sure, there were signs of true friendship on display — the girls engaged in some pleasant flatware bartering after it was discovered that Audrina had two knives whilst Lo had TWO FORKS (!!!!) — but the rest was kind of strained. Lo did ask Audrina if everything was okay with Justin Bobby after he had unceremoniously ditched her at the White Tie Affair affair last episode, and Aud explained that he had apologized, and she’d gotten over it. Shocker. I never thought anyone would be able to rebound after such a regrettable offense as skipping a White Tie Affair AFFAIR. Nevertheless, Lo offered up a piece of advice so generic and irrelevant, it reenforced my beliefs that she probably wasn’t listening in the first place: “I feel like at this stage you have to make decisions for yourself.” Uh, okay? Thankfully, Lo elaborated: “For instance, I make decisions for myself, and I decide to NOT like you. Smell ya later!”
Okay, I keed! Loaf didn’t say that. In fact, she wasn’t being terribly Loafy this episode either. She was classic Lo, the one we fell in love with so many years ago — even if she did fill an awkward silence with an even more awkward “La la la.” Thankfully, the uncomfortable realization that these two had nothing in common was quickly supplanted by talk of evening plans, specifically Audrina’s suggestion that they go to the now-defunct hot spot Goa. Lo responded favorably to the idea, and with the conversation happily revived, Audrina then took the opportunity to gossip about Stephanie and Doug.
Yes, Steph, how on Earth would Lauren EVER find out…
Well, Lo could hardly believe the news. “WITH DOUG?” she asked repeatedly, as if it would somehow not happen by the fourth utterance. Both girls agreed it was a major “no no,” but I couldn’t tell if Lo was shocked or delighted. After all, surely this would lead to the plight of further sidekick competition. I bet she loved it.
“I just never imagined them: Stephanie and Doug,” Lo said. She made a good point. After all, Stephanie is but a mere sidekick, and Doug, well, he comes from burrito money. It’s like Upstairs/Downstairs. But with refried beans.

“I’m so shocked I could take this ridiculous glass bowtie off my face and throw it into the bushes!”

Audrina then leveled the most seething insult: “Why would you want sloppy seconds?” Ouch. Very ouch. She probably shouldn’t repeat that to Lauren though. Let’s not forget that before LC, Brody was gettin’ it on with Kristin Cavallari (not to mention Nicole Richie). And let’s not even talk about Stephen Coletti…
That night, the girls headed off to Goa where they engaged in effusive patter about the bar’s tasty ginger lemonade, a cocktail like none other. I wouldn’t know. I never went to Goa because a) I probably couldn’t get in (unless general awkwardness is de rigeur) and b) it closed down after only a few months due to the city’s bureaucratic decree that the place had to serve more food to qualify as a nightclub restaurant. Or some silliness like that. Point is that I never had the ginger lemonade, and now I’m kind of jealous. (I have, however, had the fig vodka at Bar Lubitsch. So there’s that.)
Anyway, just when life was seeming all happy and frothy like a giant vat of ginger lemonades, in walked Spencer and Heidi.
“Spencer and Heidi are here,” Lo announced, and for some reason, this was entirely too ridiculous a concept for Audrina to comprehend.
“NO THEY’RE NOT!” she insisted, entering an alarming state of denial. I was shocked that Lo didn’t snap back, “Oh, MY bad. I guess I just saw two people that look EXACTLY like them who just so happen to have their own camera crew following them also. And oh look, one of them just said ‘Hi, my name is Heidi and this is my boyfriend Spencer,’ but seriously, MY BAD.”
Eventually, the two parties saw each other from across the room (well, actually, Speidi were seated directly behind Laudrina — very awkward), and hey, when life gives you lemons, make ginger lemonade! Sure enough, a drunken-sounding Heidi walked over to Audrina and said hello, causing Aud to reply, “I never expected to see you guys here!” Why, it’s almost as if you guys are on the same TV show or something! Soon, the two girls began reminiscing on how they used to be such good friends and used to have such great times together — you know, like the time Heidi made Audrina cry at Les Deux? Good times indeed!

“Audrina, I think I’m in love with you.”

Of course, Lo sat there uncomfortably the entire time, shooting Heidi and Audrina the occasional “DIE!” glare. Aud, meanwhile, continued her Gossip Quest by asking, “Hey, did Stephanie tell you that Doug asked her out?” Nope, Lauren will never ever find out.
“That’s just psycho to me,” Heidi declared, perhaps forgetting about the time she encouraged Jen Bunney to get nastay with Brody at Les Deux. Ultimately, Heidi then invited Audrina and Justin Bobby to join her and Spencer at the X-Games party, and as Aud agreed to go, Lo watched on suspiciously. Sidekick pandemonium!!!

“Someone get me out of here. Please. Anyone.”

After the break, we found a bearded Spencer on the couch, once again engaging in a busy day of chatting on the phone. Suddenly his sister waltzed right into the apartment without the slightest knock, causing him to tell the person on the other end of the phone, “The wind just blew something in here.” Sadly, he was not referring to a razor. Anyway, turns out Spencer was talking to Heidi, and when Steph told her brother to say hi to her, he merely ignored her wishes and hung up. COLD. The two then began talking about the Doug situation, and I couldn’t help but enjoy Spencer’s glee in knowing that his sister was about to cross the one and only Lauren Conrad. He was so excited that his big ol’ square face lit up like SpongeBob being reunited with Gary the snail.
Ultimately, Spencer simply could not help relishing the twist of fate that had befallen his sister. “How small of a weird, twisted little world,” he said, clearly amazed that two people from the same television show would ever consider hooking up, especially if it would engender further screen time. Steph, however, continued to play dumb, nervously ignoring Spencer’s premonition that she’d be cut faster than a line of coke in the back room of Goa.
Later, we found Spencer reunited with Heidi at the much-anticipated X-Games event, and soon joining them were Audrina and Justin Bobby, the latter of whom appeared to be dressed like a cholo circa 1994. Once the foursome were all settled in on some couches, Spencer kickstarted the small-talk by asking, “Have you seen Batman?” As everyone responded with an enthusiastic yes, he continued: “Joker. Should have been called JOKER.” In the silence that followed, Spencer unabashedly smiled at everyone with childlike glee, proud of his insightful, cinematic observation. It was a small blip on The Hills radar, but for some reason, it was instantly one of my favorite Spencer moments. It kind of just summed up everything about him all at once — the way he talks AT people, his cluelessness in social situations, and ultimately, the lack of fascinating conversation he brings to the table. In a word: brilliant.

“Joker, right? Joker!”

Unfortunately for Spence, no one really wanted to talk about The Dark Knight, particularly Audrina who once again started yammering on about Stephanie and Doug. She made some very caustic observations about Lauren’s ex, noting articulately that “I don’t really know Doug. I know him, but not very well. So… I don’t know.” You know?
Heidi meanwhile was happy simply to be unattached to any of Steph’s drama. “PRAISE JESUS!” she exclaimed, causing Jesus to mutter back, “Don’t drag me into this. I’m watching football.”
Audrina then babbled on about how she liked to surround herself with fun people who weren’t negative (like Justin Bobby, obviously), and then when Heidi admitted that she’d said some negative, uncalled for things about Lauren in the past, Audrina brushed it off and noted that they could probably get by it — “we are all grownups now.” Yes, at the ripe old age of 22.

“Say ‘Vapid!'”

Speaking of grownups, we then headed off to Eva Longoria’s restaurant, Beso, which we would later discover was quite the cougar den. Steph and Doug settled in for their NOT-date and immediately chit-chatted about Brody and how Doug had specifically not told him about dinner. I mean, not that it was a date or anything. Just friends. Not biggie, right? Steph then asked Doug if it was weird that he had dated Lauren, and he completely rejected the question, saying, “Not at all!” Yup, perfect as pie! (Or whatever the stupid expression is — right as rain?).
Maybe it was the wine or maybe it was just the frozen burrito between his legs thawing to life, but Doug then asked Steph, “What are you doing after this?” He then added, “Wanna DO ME?”
However, before any sexual blueprints for the night could be drawn up, a plasticine interloper appeared out of nowhere and completely ruined Doug’s game. That’s right, the ultimate Beverly Hills cougar, Linda Thompson, a.k.a. Brody’s Mom, sidled up to the table with her equally cougar-ish friend and embraced Stephanie warmly. Linda, who seemed like a very sweet, if not entirely “natural” woman, immediately honed her inner-yenta and asked all sorts of intrusive questions, including the crowning inquisition, “Are you guys on a date?”
Humminah humminah humminah humminah….
To be fair, Linda wasn’t so much retrieving information for Brody’s sake. She just wanted to know if Doug would be available to screw around with later. (Memo to producers: MAKE THAT HAPPEN).
As Linda & Mini-Linda shuffled off in a barrage of “Sweetie!” comments, a look of fear came over Stephanie. “Not good,” she muttered uneasily. I wasn’t entirely clear if she was referring to the situation or merely the quality of Linda’s plastic surgery, but that’s neither here nor there.
We then had another commercial break, and upon return, we found Audrina and Chiara walking in a (very loud) zen garden of sorts at Epic Records. Chiara droned on about how she’d just had a massage and now was sore and blah blah blah. It wasn’t terribly interesting, which I guess is why Audrina refocused the conversation onto her, serving up a veritable recap of the past twenty minutes of the show: Lauren was on vacay, Aud was bonding with Lo, she and J-Bobbs had run into Speidi, etc.. Chiara asked Audrina if Lauren knew she’d hung out with Spencer and Heidi, but Aud simply shrugged and explained that Lauren was unreachable in Italy; so… oh well! I’m starting to wonder if anyone’s actually tried to contact Lauren, or if they’re all using her vacation as an excuse. Seems to me that it wasn’t terribly hard to get a hold of Lauren when she was in Paris, and that was merely to report that Brody had been spotted with another girl at Les Deux. I guess Italy’s a whole other beast. A beast that shuns high heels, no less!
Of course, it’s equally amusing that everything that happens in the group has to go through Lauren first. I mean, yeah, she’s the star of the show, but c’mon now. Relax, people! Anyway, in not very surprising news, Audrina gossiped to Chiara about the Steph and Doug (Stoug?) situation, and at this rate, I’m shocked she hadn’t sent out a newsletter to the greater Los Angeles metropolitan region, let alone employ some tasteful skywriting that said “HEY! Doug asked Steph out on a date! AND I THINK SHE’S GONNA GO!!!”
Nevertheless, Audrina reflected on the irony of the situation, saying, “It’s crazy how all this is happening while Lauren’s gone.” Yeah, it’s almost as if it were orchestrated. Like, there were people behind the scenes of your lives who were, for lack of a better word, producing the drama for you. And it’s like these “producers” told you all to be somewhere at a certain time. But I’m just talkin’ crazy talk.
Alas, all good vacations must come to an end, and thus Lauren returned from her holiday abroad, walking happily into the house where she was greeted by Lo (first!) and Audrina. The sidekicks seemed positively thrilled to have their Master back, and soon the girls started peppering Lauren with all sorts of important questions — mostly about the boys in Italy. Proving that she might not have a career ahead of her in diplomacy, Lauren explained, “Italy is kind of like a construction site.” She didn’t mean it was ugly though. She just meant it was full of sexual harassers. I’m sure the Italian Tourism Board loved that (although, I can’t say I’ve ever heard anyone say anything different about the country).

“Thank God you’re back. Never leave me alone with HER again.”

Once the two second Italian update was complete, Lauren extended her arms outwards and asked, “What’d I miss?!?” I think she expected some sort of hilarious tale about Ashes getting locked in the dishwasher or something like that, but instead, Audrina proved to be a major buzzkill by revealing that she and Lo had sat with Speidi at Goa.

“What’d I miss? Nothing, right? Absolutely nothing! I’m sure you couldn’t say anything that would upset me right now!”

This bit of news unsurprisingly elicited Lauren’s patented flat scowl — the one that seems to say, “I am so f*cking mad right now.” For her part, Lo tried to bring levity to the situation by joking about how strange it was to be next to Heidi, but even she had to abort her attempt at humor, ultimately announcing, “It was very uncomfortable.” Awww. I love old, funny Lo! You know, when she was haughty, but in a good way.
Audrina then confessed that “Just and I met up with [Speidi] last night,” and again this was greeted with a cold, steely glare from Lauren. Gulp.
“Surprise!” Aud said, hoping that with a giggle this tremendously awkward moment would pass. Instead, Lauren continued to stare at her as if she wanted to punch her in the face and lock her in the guest house for the next three weeks straight.
“Very shocking,” Loaf muttered, finally able to get in the dig she’d so desperately wanted to give Aud for all this time.
Hoping to steer away from choppy waters, Lauren asked, “So what else did I miss?” Poor Lauren. You think it’ll get better, don’t you? No, no, no. At long last, Audrina was able to finally gossip about the Steph and Doug to her Master, prompting a stunned Lauren to ask, “MY Doug?” Listen, Lauren. He’s a human being. You can’t just objectify him like that. He’s not some two-bit frozen burrito that you can just throw in your ice box and claim as your own, OKAY?
Nevertheless, Lo surmised that it was all Doug’s plan to make LC jealous, but I wouldn’t be satisfied with that theory until I heard what Brody had to say, and conveniently enough, that’s exactly who we saw in the next scene as the Brodester and Lauren headed off to Hollywood’s Loteria Grill. Memo to LC: don’t get the tacos! Sure, they’re delicious, but they’re small, overpriced, and come with no sides. Poor value. You’ll be better off with the burrito (oh sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject).
Anyway, as the two settled down for their meal, Brody smiled proudly and said, “I just want to look at you and say I told you so.” Well of course he’d want to say that. He’s a total bitch. Nevertheless, Brody revealed that the Steph-Doug date had actually already happened. Lauren, apparently, thought it was still only at the “invite” stage. Doug had apparently lied to all his brohans, saying he’d had an important business dinner (you know, top secret burrito discussions), but thanks to Linda, his rendez-vous with Steph had been exposed.
“Are you pissed off about it?” Brody then asked Lauren, clearly trying to stir the pot. For good measure, he also reminded her that Steph had gone behind her back.
“You don’t think that was wrong of Doug,” Lauren asked, thankfully acknowledging that it does take two to tango. Brody, however, remained resoundingly anti-Stephanie. He explained that guys will be guys, but Steph is supposed to be a good friend of Lauren’s, which is why she’s ultimately more in the wrong. Believe it or not, I actually agreed. Doug owed no loyalty to LC. Steph did.
Amusingly though, Brody then offered up one of the more self-serving lines of the night: “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” This comes from the guy who takes active pleasure in fanning the flames of Lauren’s rage, happily rubbing salt in her wounds by dwelling on Steph’s duplicitous ways. Oh Brodester. What would we do without you?
What did you think about this episode? Was it wrong for Audrina to hang out with Heidi? Will Heidi and Lauren reconcile? And did Steph cross the line?