HILLS RECAP: Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves

After several episodes of increasing tension between Audrina, Lauren, and Lo, The Hills settled back into a casual groove this past week with an installment that was a bit less action-oriented than recent eps. Basically, nothing happened. I mean, nothing. Granted, there were several breezy lunches, which were about as riveting as one would expect. But aside from this meandering tour of Los Angeles’s bistro scene, I can’t say there was anything terribly provocative or memorable about the episode. I’ll just chalk it up to essential long-term storytelling, meaning that while the events in this week’s ep weren’t particularly fascinating, they’ll help to establish further exciting drama down the line. Or so I hope. I swear, if I have to sit through one more lame musician cameo, I’m gonna abduct Ashes the cat and hold him for ransom. Don’t mess with me. I will do it.

I guess we should have realized we were due for a substandard episode when the show opened up in the world of Speidi instead of Lauren, as is the general tradition. Turns out Holly Montag was still puttering around the apartment like the unwanted Janet to Speidi’s Jack and Chrissy. Hmmm… that doesn’t quite work out though because there was always sexual chemistry between Jack and Janet, which is most certainly not the case with Spencer and Holly. And Holly can’t be Chrissy because Heidi is so clearly Chrissy. But then in real life, Suzanne Somers was the outcast to John Ritter and Joyce DeWitt. Maybe I should just move on to a new TV metaphor. Reset:
Turns out Holly Montag was still puttering around the apartment like the unwanted Harriet to Speidi’s Jamie and Vicki. (NAILED IT) And in an effort to make nice with her hosts, Holly engaged her younger sister in polite small talk, asking them what they’d be up to that night. “I think we’re just gonna cook some dinner. What are you gonna do?” Heidi answered, adding, “Got any plans like, say, MOVING OUT??”
Okay, Heidi did not say that last part, but I’m sure Spencer wanted to, especially after Holly deigned to say that her only friends in the city were them and Lauren. The mere mention of LC’s name drew a scowl like none other from Sir Pratt, who I’m shocked didn’t immediately launch into another rant about his unjustly violated Tivo. Nevertheless, we learned that apparently back in the good days, Heidi, Holly, and Lauren were like best buds, but over the years, Holly and Lauren had drifted apart for obvious reasons. That didn’t mean that Holly wanted to lose Lauren as a buddy altogether. In fact, she alluded to the idea of getting back in touch with LC, an idea that drew a bristling response from the two-headed Speidi monster.

“I could be watching 24 right now. Oh that’s right. I can’t. YOU DELETED IT.”

“I can’t tell you who to hang out with,” Heidi started before Spencer interrupted with a terse, “I CAN.” He immediately declared that as long as Holly was living under their roof, she was not to fraternize OR socialize (Spencer had clearly been boning up on his “-ize” words) with Lauren in any form. Holly, of course, quietly rejected this order, emphasizing that she needed to see a familiar face. Literally. She needed to see a face that looked the same as it did two years ago — and God knows Heidi’s surgically enhanced visage didn’t qualify on that front.
After the opening credits, we learned the title of the episode: “You Always Miss A Best Friend.” I couldn’t help but wonder if that was a veiled reference to Bella Classic or maybe even Chloe, the passive-aggressive puppy whose sole existence seemed to be to remind Audrina that she was NOT one of the dog’s mommies. Either way, both animals have disappeared into thin air; so clearly, it wasn’t a massive jump in logic to think this installment might focus on the girls reminiscing on their long lost pets.
Of course, that’s not what this episode was about at all. Instead, we zipped on over to our favorite sweat shop, People’s Revolution, where Lauren was dutifully unsheathing a tasty breakfast muffin from its brown paper bag. This of course spawned an intensive discussion about said muffin, with Whitney ultimately announcing, “That’s CRUMBLY!” Another insightful glimpse into the twentysomething experience!
I personally was shocked that Kelly Cutrone didn’t appear out of nowhere, shake her head, and seethe, “No. No no. We don’t do crumbles at People’s Revolution. And I can say that because it’s my company. Welcome to the world of power bitches. We like our muffins the way we like our men: FIRM. Now, someone please explain to me why that muffin is not wearing black. Anyone?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t approve of your crumbly muffin.”

Anyway, Lauren explained to Whitney that things with Audrina were all good now. Everything seemed to be on the up and up, causing Whitney to chirp that sometimes with friendships they just go up and down — much like the popularity of crumbly muffins. The girls were then interrupted by Lauren’s phone, which chimed to life upon reception of a text message. Turns out it was from Holly asking to hang out. Lauren expressed hesitation at first, especially coming off all the drama that the Stephanie Pratt situation had caused. Whitney, however, could tell that she kind of wanted to reach out to Holly, and accordingly, she gave LC some sweetly enabling advice: “You could always use more friends in the city, you know?”
“It would just help if some of them weren’t related to people I didn’t get along with!” Lauren joked back, adding, “Oh, and by the way, I guess now would be a good time for me to mention that I effin’ HATE your sister.”
Meanwhile, over at Epic Records, we got to meet a new face in the Hills world: Kristin Loretta (firsty firsty!), a publicist who had summoned Audrina into her inner sanctum. Kristin announced that Epic would be throwing a showcase for some awful band called the White Tie Affair, and immediately my heart sank. Surely this would lead to yet another dumb cameo, following in the footsteps of Lady Gaga, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Alkaline Trio, Sean Kingston, and many others. I’m fearing that in this regard, The Hills is rapidly turning into The OC and its dreaded Bait Shack of showy cameos. The only reprieve it gets is that technically, the show does air on MTV, a network that occasionally pertains to music.
Anyway, Kristin informed Audrina that she’d need her to be her right hand at the showcase. This apparently was a big deal, and we knew that because Kristin managed to say “big deal” about twenty times over the course of the scene. She also revealed that the president of Epic would conveniently be present at the showcase, and as she said this, Kristin stifled a laugh that either expressed her unabashed excitement for this BIG DEAL… or was merely an attempt to hide her incredulity at what the company would do to appear on The Hills. Probably a mixture of both.
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, we caught up with Holly and Lauren, who bizarrely decided to lunch at Amandine Patisserie on L.A.’s Westside (bizarre only because the location seems exorbitantly far from FIDM, People’s Revolution, or any other place — like their homes — that they’d be at). Nevertheless, Lauren was a vision in vermillion as she greeted Holly with a warm hug, and of course, it only took about three seconds before conversation turned towards Speidi. Holly expressed discomfort over her living situation, politely deeming it “crowded,” which seemed to be a relatively accurate description on account of all the excess space Spencer’s ego takes up.

“Hahaha, isn’t my sister THE WORST?”

Holly then struck a delightfully naive note as she commented, “I don’t want the whole Heidi and Spencer thing to affect our friendship.” Of course not. That would never happen. Lauren, meanwhile, replied with her own possibly deluded take on the situation:
“It obviously has no affect on how I look at you at all.” We’ll see if she’s singing the same tune the next time Holly mentions that she leant her sister a sock. I can just imagine Lauren: “Really? I just expected more from you, Holly. But I guess I was wrong.”
To be fair, Lauren did adopt a mature position, saying that she didn’t want to put Holly in an awkward place, having to choose between a friend and a family member, but Holly didn’t seem to mind. She knew who the star of the show was, and she wasn’t afraid to shamelessly get in her good graces, much like so many would-be sidekicks.
“We were like the Three Musketeers,” Holly said, nostalgically remembering their glory days while simultaneously sullying the legacy of Alexandre Dumas. Well, perhaps the whole Three Musketeers reference worked. Lauren ultimately told Holly she could call her whenever, but she then added, “Just remember that if you want to be my sidekick, there’s a two year waiting list.”
We then headed over to Amalfi restaurant where, as they settled down at their table, Audrina told Justin Bobby, “This is cute! I’ve never been here before.” To which he amusingly replied, “I KNOW.” Kind of a strange response. Did that mean that he knew she’d never been there, and if he did, why did he feel the need to throw it in her face? Oh the complexities of Justin Bobby.
Nevertheless, conversation turned to more pressing matters, namely the proper categorization of Audrina’s garb. “I like that dress,” Justin Bobby had said, but did she have a surprise for him: “It’s a skirt,” she revealed, pulling the top portion up slightly to reveal the separation between garments. Consider this viewer’s mind BLOWN.
Anyway, once the shockwaves of this discovery finally dissipated, Audrina explained to Justin Bobby that things with Lauren and Loaf, er, Lo were much better. This was no surprise to J-Bobbs as he quickly noted that Aud was good at accepting people back.
“Like you?” she joked, causing Justin Bobby to go on the defensive, saying how the situation with him was way different. For instance, Lauren and Lo are girls whereas Justin Bobby is a boy. So as you can see, it’s like apples and oranges.
Nevertheless, Audrina then extended an invite to the White Tie Affair concert, something that even J-Bobbs seemed to turn his nose up at. Look, if even Justin Bobby is poo-pooing this band, then you know they’ve gotta suck. He nonetheless said he’d go to the showcase, an announcement met with the suspicious going-to-commercial twang that we’ve come to know and love. As Hills cliffhangers go, this one had to be one of the least inspiring. I mean, really? Was MTV really asking us to care about whether or not Justin Bobby would attend a crappy showcase? The only way it could have possibly piqued my curiosity would have been if Loaf had instead taken us to commercial by smiling coldly at Audrina and saying, “Justin Bobby’s coming? Well, THAT should be fun.”
After the break, we returned to the Conrad Compound where Audrina was scurrying through the kitchen on a quest to find an ever-elusive caffeinated tea bag. Thankfully, Lauren was around to assist in this epic endeavor; although, I’m not sure I’d really trust the input of a crumbly muffin enthusiast such as herself. Nevertheless, LC happily plucked out an English tea bag from her collection and reminded Audrina that unless specified otherwise, it contained the essential caffeine that was so highly coveted, thus bringing TeaQuest 2008 to an exciting and satisfying end.

“That was fun looking for tea.”
“Yeah, it was.”

WIth this tea fiasco behind us, the girls began talking about what they were up to later that night. “Have you heard of this band called White Tie Affair?” asked Audrina, eliciting groans from me in the process. HOW MANY TIMES DO PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW HAVE TO ASK OTHER PEOPLE IF THEY’VE HEARD OF THIS DUMB BAND? I’m shocked we haven’t cut to Lisa Love sipping coffee on the Côte d’Azur, asking her dear friend Aimée if she too had heard of the White Tie Affair. Mais non!
Anyway, Lauren said she wanted to go to the showcase (time to bop your head awkwardly!), and even better, she was gonna bring Loaf and Steph. Fun times to be had by all! Audrina then informed Lauren that Justin Bobby would be going too, which apparently was a sign of his general supportiveness towards her of late. “I think he’s always gonna be there for you in that way,” Lauren noted, clearly forgetting that she was talking about the famously unreliable Justin Bobby and not something a bit more trusty like, I don’t know, Audrina’s pet rock (although they are both easily interchangeable).
The conversation then inevitably shifted onto the whole Holly situation, and both girls agreed that her arrival in the city was actually a good thing for Heidi. Maybe with a little luck Holly could provide a good influence on her little sister, they reasoned, clearly not willing to accept that Heidi seems to be way beyond repair, reproach, or reprogramming. The whole mess ultimately caused Audrina to reflect, “Sometimes friendships are even harder than relationships.”
“As we’re learning,” Lauren replied, adding, “By the way, who the HELL said you could come into the kitchen? GET BACK INTO YOUR DUNGEON. NOW!”
And with that, some awful song came on the soundtrack, and surprise, surprise — according to the scroll at the bottom of the screen, the tune was by none other than the White Tie Affair. How appropriate. We then headed to the Roosevelt Hotel for the band’s much-hyped concert, and as Audrina appeared at Kristin Loretta’s side, I hoped our tantastic starlet would rise to the occasion and wow all her bosses. Of course, I had total faith that she’d succeed — just as long as Kristin didn’t give her any task more challenging than finding a tea bag.
Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any Lipton-centric crises on the horizon, which meant Aud could go backstage and hang out with the band and the president of Epic Records. It was here that we witnessed Audrina’s one responsibility of the night: handing out shots of vodka. On The Hills scale of occupational workloads, it was certainly more intense than Heidi’s daily grind of sashaying aimlessly around her office, but not quite as rigorous as Lauren’s previous exploits as a master candle wick resuscitator. Still, it was nice to see Audrina do something beyond babbling away with Chiara in their cubicles.
Later in the evening, as the White Tie Affair rocked out loudly on stage, we found Kristin dancing happily with one lanky arm suspended in the air, almost as if she were waving an invisible flag — a flag that surely said “THIS IS A BIG DEAL!” Audrina, meanwhile, had left her boss’s side in order to greet the Conrad crew, particularly Loaf, to whom she said, “Thanks for coming, Lo!” I’m shocked Lo didn’t wince in response and then suggest they all go to sushi instead. Maybe the friendship has flourished after all. Of course, to every action there is always opposed an equal reaction, which meant that with the arrival of Nice Lo, we then had the return of Dickish Justin Bobby. That’s right — our favorite bearded philosopher was nowhere to be found, thus proving that his initial promise to attend the White Tie Affair was nothing more than insincere lip service. It was a long night though. Surely he’d show up later…

“See? I’m awkwardly bopping my head at your weird concert. Who’s the bigger friend now, bitch? WHO’S THE BIGGER FRIEND NOW???”

Elsewhere in the city, a beret-clad Heidi sauntered into her apartment looking like she’d just flown in from the Left Bank of the Seine, ready to distribute baguettes and petits fours to anyone within a five block radius. Mademoiselle Montag settled down on her sofa, pleasantly asking her sister what she’d been up to for the past few days. Holly meandered through some thoughts before finally announcing that she went to a cool little bistro place and had lunch with, cough cough, Lauren.
“REALLY,” a stunned Heidi bleated. This was not going to go well. Heidi then immediately chastised her sister, revealing that Spencer was rubbing off entirely too much on her (no dirty puns intended). “You’re my best friend and my sister, and you didn’t want to tell me? Just kind of went behind my back and did that?” she asked, adopting Spencer’s unique brand of sarcasm and victimization. To be fair to Holly though, she did try to tell Heidi, but wouldn’t you know it? She was stuck in a tunnel again!
Okay, Holly wasn’t stuck in a tunnel, but she did remind Heidi that this was the first time she’d seen her in like two days (a fact that Heidi proudly admitted at the top of the conversation). “How am I supposed to feel about that?” Heidi remarked, again playing the nonsensical victim role. I personally enjoyed the nifty irony in Heidi complaining about being ignored when it was she who immediately trotted off to dinner the moment her sister arrived in town.

“Ce n’est pas magnifique!!!”

Ultimately, Holly reiterated that her loyalty always has been and always will be to her little sister, but Heidi still wasn’t satisfied. In a typical Spencer move, she continued to guilt-grill Holly, asking her if she should share things with her anymore or tell her personal stories. It was all so very — what’s the word? — ridiculous. There was then more talk about how the friend breakup had been difficult for the Heidester, to which Holly replied that she missed their days of being an awesome trio, saying that Heidi and Lauren were like her two little sisters. Of course, Heidi then reminded Holly that she WAS her little sister, probably Heidi’s only valid point in the entire argument, but to be fair, after Heidi’s thirteen successful surgeries, there really was no way for Holly to know they were related.
Back at the Roosevelt Hotel, the White Tie Affair concert had ended, and we were now at the after party where guitarist Sean tried to dazzle an incredibly bored Stephanie with his tales of nipple piercings. Upon seeing the offending piece of areola ornamentation, Steph called him crazy, but aha! Sean had some logic to throw her way. He asked her if she had a tattoo, and she replied yes, to which he asked, “So what’s the difference?” Well, I’d say the difference is that she seemed to feel some sort of shame or embarrassment. So there was that.
But then Stephanie revealed her deepest, darkest secret: she once had her tongue pierced. Dunh dunh DUNH! I’m shocked that Lauren didn’t swoop down from the rafters, shoot an icy glare at Steph, and seethe, “I just expected more from you.”
Lauren, however, was busy with Audrina and Lo, the latter of whom asked, “Is Justin coming?” Audrina merely shrugged and said she didn’t know, causing LC to chide her nosy sidekick: “Way to be a buzzkill.” Yeah, LOAF.
After the commercial break, we headed over to Epic Records the next day (or week or month) where the ever eager Chiara was peppering Audrina with all sorts of questions. “Did you feel like it was something you could totally handle?” she asked, perhaps concerned that the taxing responsibilities of standing around, bopping to music, and occasionally enjoying an errant shot of vodka might be too much for Audrina to handle. Aud said it was all fine, to which Chiara then mulled, “That’s insane that it was the first time being by yourself, and Charlie was in town, and I wasn’t there.” She then added, “Hey, will you cover my desk? I’m just gonna go cry in the bathroom real quick.”
Okay, that didn’t happen. Instead, Audrina regaled Chiara with the latest Justin Bobby non-drama, saying that “I give, give, and give, and he doesn’t give back!” I’m half surprised that Chiara didn’t grab her by the shoulders and say, “I’d give back! MAKE ME YOUR JUSTIN BOBBY!! I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR SIDEKICK!!!”
Anyway, the conversation ended with Audrina resigned to the fact that Justin Bobby will never change — much like the blank expression on her face — and with that, we headed over to FIDM where Lauren revealed to Steph that she’d had lunch with Holly recently and that she was reluctant to be friends with her again, especially after all the misery that Steph had been put through at the hands of Speidi.
“It’s just scary that she lives with them,” Stephanie noted, perhaps a bit too dramatically. I mean, it the living arrangement was unfortunate, but scary? It’s not like Spencer was going to clobber Holly in the middle of the night. Then again, one never wants to underestimate a Tivo customer scorned.
In an effort to show yearning on both sides of the rift, the producers then cut to Heidi telling her SBE sidekick Kimberly that she sort of missed Lauren and all the good times they had together. Like her sister earlier in the episode, Heidi employed the Three Musketeers metaphor (although, knowing Heidi, she probably was referring to the candy bar, not the novel), and ultimately, she noted, “It’s just so unfortunate how things have ended in our lives and how we don’t have our friendship anymore.” Yup. Funny how dating a douchebag who spreads rumors and ill-will about your best friend will do that.
We then bounced back and forth between Heidi and Lauren, who waxed nostalgically about their friendship. Heidi at one point told a bored-looking Kimberly “Maybe one day by like a miracle we’ll be friends again.” Yeah, no.
Lauren, meanwhile, revealed that she did miss Heidi on some level. “You always miss a best friend,” she said, adding, “Too bad Heidi was never my best friend. OH SNAPPPP!!!!!”
What did you think about this episode? Is consolation on the horizon? And is Holly crossing the line?