HILLS RECAP: Don't Cry For Me, Audrina

Apologies all around. It’s been a week since The Hills aired its last episode, and I haven’t even posted anything close to resemble a recap — a major offense given all the drama surrounding this latest installment. I’d like to blame it all on the Vegas adventures, for the sheer insanity on display there was enough to freeze my brain and render me useless for seven straight days. However, I must take full responsibility. Well, I’ll take half responsibility. I truthfully have had an extremely busy week, what with my life’s quest being fulfilled, not to mention a trip to The Soup (photos to come) and a visit to the Gossip Girl set (photos also to come, but don’t get very excited). Throw in a wedding, some transcontinental flying, and a few tacos, and I’ve just been busier than the most busy of beavers.
Oh, but these are just excuses, and who wants to hear those? I fear I may have already alienated you, my dear readers. We used to have such a good relationship, and now look at us. There’s just all this tension, and I don’t know where it come from. I just want us to go back to the way it was. That’s all I want. Must a black tear fall from my eye before I earn your love back?
Nevertheless, it’s time for me to get my act together and start writing this thing. In the fabled words of Audrina, “Well, LET’S DO IT!”

The episode began where the previous one left off: Brody and DOUG (rhymes with MUG, as in mug shot) were missing in action — lost in the tangled maze that is the Las Vegas penal system. For those who may have forgotten, Frankie delivered the grim news that Brody and Doug were in jail, which meant they needed to be rescued, lest their gentle behinds fall victim to an unforgiving anal raping. So who better to save the day than Lauren, Lo, and Stephanie, who we all found huddled around phone books, attempting to navigate the world of bail bonds. It was a nice gesture on their part, but we knew it would only take about five minutes before they gave up entirely and redirected their attentions to finding the nearest Pinkberry.
“Why did they have to go get themselves arrested?” Lo asked.
“That’s what boys do,” Steph answered, perhaps forgetting about her own brush with the law many moons ago. Does that mean she’s a boy? SCANDAL!
Well, with the girls putting their detective hats on, it was kind of like watching The Bloodhound Gang — except tanner, blonder, and completely lacking in any sort of investigative ability. Thankfully, LC had a brilliant idea: call the bail bond store! You know, that mythical place where you can just walk in and buy all your favorite bail bonds! I like the green ones!
Alas, before I could extend my mockery any further, it turned out there really was a bail bond store. Or rather, the Bail Bond Store. It was the proper name of an actual establishment, and as you can imagine, it created quite the Laurel-and-Hardy routine as LC would say “the Bail Bond Store” and Lo would say something like “I don’t think that’s what they’re called” and LC would reply with a “That’s what it says” and Lo would shoot back, “No” — you know what? This is already requiring entirely too much mental energy to describe. Point was that the Bail Bond Store was real, AND it was hilarious.
Before the gals could trek down to the store, however, Brody and Doug bounded into the room like two excited poodles happy to see their owner. Yup, they were out of jail, thus bringing a resolution to the cliffhanger a whopping 30 seconds into the show. GREAT.
Anyway, we soon learned the whole sordid tale of Brodoug’s incarceration. Apparently, some guy in da club invited Doug and Brody to come party with him and some girls, and when our heroes rebuffed him, the guy got all mad. There were words (and I’ll assume whines, as Brody was present), and then one thing led to another, and suddenly the guy punched Doug, knocking him over to the floor, where presumably he wished a soft cushion of thawed burritos would break his fall. Well, Doug may have suffered the indignity of falling over, but what goes around comes around: his Bloody Mary got ALL OVER THE ATTACKER! BAM!! Take heed, people: if you come at Doug, he’s gonna come at you… WITH A BRUNCH LIBATION. You don’t even want to see what he can do with a mimosa…
Well, even though Doug and Brody were the innocent victims of this wayward pugilist, they still got thrown in the Venetian’s drunk tank — or as they called it — “casino jail.” It was all worth it though because according to them, the guy they brawled with was a major douche. And you know, if these guys call someone a douche, they’re really a douche.
Lo immediately expressed jovial outrage, asking, “Do you know how many places we called looking for you guys?” I’m gonna venture an answer and say NONE. The only way I’d ever believe Lo would deign to call a jail would be if she were given the opportunity to bitch about Audrina.
Eventually, the guys all trotted out of the room in an oddly triumphant manner, causing Lauren to quietly seethe, “IDIOTS.”
Exactly.
We then watched the opening credits, followed by the episode’s title, “Something Has To Change.” I’ll just assume that’s not a reference to the assailant’s Bloody Mary-stained shirt. Nevertheless, we then found our gang slogging their way to the valet where Audrina decided to bizarrely initiate contact with LC. “Lauren, we need to talk,” she said, adding, “I lost my valet stub. Do you have it? Oh, and I don’t want to be friends anymore. Toodles!”
Well, Lauren informed Aud that they’d talk when they got home, and on that note, we headed off to Speidi’s apartment where unwelcome sister Holly was busy painting her toe-nails and perhaps listening to calliope music in her head. Oh, I shouldn’t be mean. Holly seems nice. She makes breakfast for Spencer, for crying out loud. That must make her a saint in some religion.
Anyway, Spencer entered the apartment and was not happy to see girly activities taking place. “Oh, what a surprise!” he sarcastically crowed. “Look who’s in my office!” Yes, Holly had invaded Spencer’s workplace, which meant his busy schedule of microwaving Hot Pockets and staring at bubbles would be completely upended. Still, she explained to him cheerfully that she was looking for jobs and an apartment, to which Spencer asked, “You do that from the couch all day?” Yes, it’s called the INTERNET, but I suppose Spencer didn’t think of that, seeing how he was distracted by the bra hanging over the arm of his love seat — or should I say, the conference room.
Spencer then essentially told Holly he wanted her gone, going so far as to say that Heidi felt the same way. “Heidi wants me to move out? You’re telling me that? Straight up?” Holly asked, pleasantly invoking a Paula Abdul reference.
“Heidi and I want you to move out. Straight up,” Spencer replied, widening his eyes for maximum bug-eyed intimidation. Not one to take this sort of bullshit, Holly rose and marched toward the door (a.k.a. the office reception area).
“I’m out right now!” she snapped, and with that, she grabbed her pocketbook and walked out the door. Man, talk about light packer. You’d think she’d have some luggage, maybe even a few pieces of furniture. Perhaps a lamp? A credenza? An errant pouffe?
Over at People’s Revolution, Lauren sauntered into the office/sweatshop and alerted W-w-w-Whitney that she was struh-ressed! She gave the whole Vegas recap to Whit and ultimately inferred that both she and Audrina were putting off their inevitable conversation because they both had things they didn’t want to say. You know, like “I HATE YOU” and “I NEVER WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND AGAIN” and “YOUR TEETH ARE ENTIRELY TOO BRIGHT, AUDRINA!”
While Lauren’s simmering drama was certainly important, there were even bigger fish to fry in the Cuttrone universe. Like omg, they had to style jeans for Dylan George! Dunh dunh DUNH!!! Okay, I’ll admit it. I had no idea who Dylan George was, but all I knew was that Lauren had to rough up some jeans and make ’em look vintage-y or else. I was really getting excited to see this fascinating task play out, but sadly, we then cut to Audrina and Justin Bobby, the latter of whom was wearing the sort of plaid outfit that might regrettably signal the arrival of Do-Si-Do Chic. It was all very Fred Segal meets Hee Haw.
Anyway, the lovebirds settled in for dinner at local Korean spot Jian where Justin Bobby kicked off the experience by announcing, “Barbecue!” It was one of his more redundant moments, and I couldn’t help wondering if it’s a habit of his to declare the food genre of any restaurant he happens to pass through.
I guess, however, Justin Bobby was merely excited (much as I am any time I enter a Korean restaurant). Still, as giddy as I get about Korean BBQ, I don’t gush at the mere sight of a grill. Justin Bobby on the other hand was a bit more effusive. “That’s awesome!” he cooed as Audrina lifted the lid off the in-table grill. Mind you, it had no food on it. It was just… a grill. In a table. Like every other Korean restaurant. Of course, I’m just assuming this was all about the grill. For all we knew, Justin Bobby’s awe may have been simply directed at the lid in Audrina’s hand, and let’s face it: there’s nothing more awesome than a fascinating LID.
But I digress.
As the two cooked their meats on the grill (okay, now I’m hungry and jealous), they commiserated over how long the week had been. And why, pray tell, was it so long? I’ll let Justin Bobby explain:
“‘Cause Vegas was… you know what I mean? Like…”
Oh. Yes. Of course.
He later went on to explain that Audrina shouldn’t waste her time around people that give her that “ulcery” feeling, a point which she seemed to reluctantly concede. Still, it didn’t have to be this way. “I don’t know what it is that caused this tension!” she said, adding, “You know, aside from Lo. Actually, it pretty much was just Lo. Huh, I guess it was easier to trace back than I thought.”
After the break, we returned to People’s Revolution where Lauren announced something along the lines of “she’s texting me about having a talk.” This confused Whitney, prompting her to ask, “Who? Audrina?” No. Margaret Thatcher. OF COURSE AUDRINA. Haven’t you been paying attention? Nevertheless, all discussion was completely abandoned as the office’s resident ghoul, Kelly Cutrone, suddenly appeared to discuss some sort of launch event for Dylan George, which would feature a performance from Interscope Records’ very own Lady Gaga. Yeah, I don’t know who she is either. I just thought if I brazenly plugged her the way The Hills did, I would maybe get some cash too.
Anyway, Kelly had some fantastic news for the girls: “There’s going to be an opportunity to style Gaga.” HOLY MOTHER-EFFIN SHIT!!! An opportunity to style Gaga? THE Gaga? Well, you could knock me over with a feather! All sarcasm aside, this was a fairly appropriate assignment. After all, if there’s anyone suited to deal with anyone named “Gaga,” it’s the perpetually slack-jawed Whitney.
Kelly then alerted her charges that she would not be present at the event (cut to Whit and Lauren giving each other mental high-fives). “I’m gonna be back in NY that night,” Kelly noted, “because I don’t live here.” I think that was her none-too-subtle attempt to remind all her SoHo friends that she had not gone all Hollywood with all these MTV shenanigans. Smooth, Cutrone. Very smooth.
Back at Spencer’s place, all seemed to be well in the office, and with the sudden departure of Holly, the work floor had returned to its normal rhythms, with productivity reaching an all time high of 0%. Yes, Spencer — a regular Don Draper of the Hollywood set — was back to his exciting routine of doing absolutely nothing at all. I shouldn’t say nothing. As the scene opened, we did find him nuking something in the microwave (perhaps one of Doug’s frozen burritos?). No rest for the weary…
Anyway, Heidi returned to apartment and immediately poked her head around for “Holls,” but when Holls proved to be a no-show, Heidi became concerned. She asked Spencer if she had been there that morning, to which he replied, “I think so.” He couldn’t really remember — the office had been so busy. Understandably Heidi became irritated, and so Spencer asked her if she’d had a crappy day at work or something.
“I HAD A GREAT DAY!” Heidi snapped, her hostility belying her own words. Despite having a purportedly GREAT day, Heidi revealed that she’d been worried sick about Holly, who hadn’t called her back all day.
“Maybe she was in a tunnel,” Spencer suggested. “I go places where I go out of service for five hours.” Yes, like those famed 400 mile tunnels under the deserts of California. I’m sure that’s exactly where Holly was.
Ultimately, Spencer admitted that he told Holly that they both wanted her out, causing a disgusted and frustrated Heidi to ask, “Do you just not think about anyone but yourself?” Yup, that’s pretty much it! Welcome to your boyfriend, Heidi! And yet she sticks with him anyway…
Back at Casa Conrad, we found Lo surfing around (the older, better) Facebook and listlessly commenting on how strange the Las Vegas trip was. Again, it was her subtle way of saying “I HATE AUDRINA.” Lauren, meanwhile, informed her sidekick that Audrina had texted her about needing to talk, causing Lo to roll her eyes and mutter, “she lives twenty-feet away.” True, but to be fair, the text was sent during the workday when the girls were separated by what I imagine were several miles. Unless, of course, it’s Conrad sidekick policy to keep no longer than a twenty-foot distance from Lauren at all times.
Well, once again, Lo took an opportunity to subtly sour Lauren’s attitude against Aud. “We don’t have to be this core group that always hangs out,” Lo noted, adding, “So for instance, we can just CUT HER OUT of all social plans and it’s totally justified!”
Okay, Lo didn’t say that last part, but she did assert her will yet again moments later: “If she wants to move on and hang out with other people, that’s cool.” She then added, “In fact, I’d like that quite a bit! VERY MUCH SO! Let’s go find her some other people to hang out with. Heck, maybe she can even LIVE with them!”
But the coup de grâce was when Lo entered a stretch of amusingly phony statements, starting with the bullshit-tastic “I only want her to be happy.” Translation: “And I think she’d be happiest NOT HANGING OUT WITH US.”
Lo then insisted, “I only want good things for her.” Translation: “And I think new friends would be VERY, VERY GOOD FOR HER.”
She continued: “When it’s finally resolved, you’re going to feel so much better.” Translation: “Especially when you realize that Audrina should NOT be your friend.”
And finally, she concluded her comments by saying, “I don’t know what the answer is.” Translation: “Except, you know, for the obvious one that you should drop Audrina as your friend and only hang out with ME!”
After the commercial break, we headed off to Area nightclub where LC and Whitney were getting ready for Gaga’s gig-gig. Lauren confessed that she was feeling all sorts of stress over Audrina, so much so that she could hardly focus. Whitney just stared at her blankly, possibly thinking “Stress? I wouldn’t know anything about it. After all, I’m just running a FASHION SHOW AND CONCERT RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.”
Anyway, looking like a video game character gone horribly wrong, the much-hyped Lady Gaga appeared for some wardrobe adjustments. Everything seemed fine at first, but then suddenly, disaster struck: GAGA’S ZIPPER WAS BROKEN!!! Talk about stress! This was a full on disaster! What would happen???
Fear not! Lauren may have been all perturbed about her impending Audrina talk, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t be a superstar. Much as she had saved a candle wick from certain death back in season two, Lauren rose to the occasion and fixed the zipper, thus averting a the sort of Gaga disaster we always feared might happen. Phew!
As people across America collectively wiped their brows in relief, we then headed back to Speidi-ville where Holly was returning from her daylong stint in a tunnel. Heidi immediately confronted her sister, asking her what the deal was, and Holly responded that Spencer had told her that they both wanted her out of the house. In a rare moment of Montag logic, Heidi then asked Holls why she didn’t ask her herself? Good point! What’s up with Heidi this episode? She realizes that Spencer’s self-centered and then makes a valid argument with her sister? Is there hope after all? Probably not.
Well, blah blah blah. Holly and Heidi mended, and I’m not going to give you the gritty details because a) they weren’t very fascinating, and b) this was just filler before the next segment: the much-anticipated LAUDRINA confrontation!
Yes, it was time for the big Talk, and as such, we found Audrina moseying on over to the main house (oooh!). The two girls sat down, and Aud began, “I don’t know where to start.”
Lauren then responded, “I mean—” but she was quickly cut off by Audrina who said, “I don’t know how it got to this point!” Okay, so I guess she did know where to start. Anyway, the girls went through all the typical friend-fight opening rhetoric. You know, lines like “I’m not mad, I’m just hurt” and whatnot. Eventually Lauren got towards the heart of it, saying that she felt she was trying to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be friends. Audrina insisted that she did want to be friends and she did care about the friendship, but, BUT there was “an uncomfortable vibe!”
Dunh dunh DUNH! An uncomfortable vibe???? This was gonna get ugly.
Audrina then accused Lauren of having a bad attitude, but never one to succumb to such libelous words, Lauren rebutted by saying that she never gave up on the friendship whereas Audrina had. So basically, Aud could take her uncomfortable vibes and SHOVE THEM.
Audrina then dared to say that Lauren never called her or invited her to stuff, but LC quickly rejected the accusation and listed several instances where Lauren had invited Aud to things, and guess what? Audrina had turned down Lauren each time! If anything, it was Audrina who had neglected to invite Lauren to anything. SO THERE.
In an effort to defend herself, Audrina explained that Lauren didn’t like any of the things she did, which is why she didn’t invite her to the concerts and parties and whatnot. Oh, but Lauren wasn’t about to hear that. Yes, she didn’t like going to concerts, BUT she said, “I go for you though! I go, I sit, I’m awkwardly bobbing my head at weird shows!” Yup, I could see that.
Ultimately, the girls ventured into teary territory as Lauren, her voice aquiver, stated, “I’ve lost another friend.” Awww. Don’t worry Lauren, you’ll always have Ashes, who, I might add was pleasantly in the background of this entire scene. Always great when Bella 2.0 pops up, especially in such an exciting showdown!
Anyway, as if the guilt of saying she’d lost a friend wasn’t bad enough, Lauren then muttered, “I feel pathetic.”
“This whole situation just sucks,” Audrina replied, thus kick starting a neat little segment where both girls talked over each other in an attempt to prove who was hurting the most:
“Do you think I don’t want my best friend–” LC started.
“Do you think I’m not trying right now, Lauren?” Audrina interrupted.
“And do you think I want to shed everywhere?” Ashes meowed.
Eventually, Audrina said that in order for them to move forward, Lauren’s gonna have to stop dwelling in the past. Lauren agreed, but then curiously declared that she wanted to go back to the past. “That’s all I want,” she pleaded. “That’s all I want.” And with that, her mascara finally ran, and a solitary, black teardrop rolled down her cheek to perfect effect.
Lauren then sniffled, “All I want is for you to be my friend again.” I kind of thought Audrina would say “Me too” or “I miss you so much” or something gushy. But instead, Aud grunted “Okay, well, then let’s DO IT!” I’ve never heard reconciliation sound so angry.
The two then embraced for a long, loving hug, during which Lauren said, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Audrina replied. I kind of expected Lauren to say, “Aaaaaand?” To which Aud would say, “Don’t worry. It’s really okay!”
“AAAANDDD????”
“I’m fine, really.”
“AAANNDD you feel ssss—”
“Sssso happy that we’re friends again!”
“AAAAAANDDD you want to also apolo–”
“Shhh… Don’t speak. Don’t speak.”
All’s well that ends well. Let’s just see how Lo deals with Audrina being back in the fold. What did you think about this second episode? Do you think the girls fixed their relationship? Or is it still too little too late?