HILLS RECAP: Love 'Em and Leave 'Em

Apologies on the tardiness of my recap. It was a long weekend, and as such, my entire writing schedule got a bit messed up. Yes, I took it slow on Labor Day, which was somewhat appropriate given the rather languid pace of this latest installment of The Hills. Granted, it would be hard to top last week’s Pratt bonanza, which featured Stephanie contributing to the show’s fine tradition of AWFUL birthday parties. But even as denouements go, Monday’s episode was still a bit slow. I guess that’s because not much actually happened. Yes, Whitney met a boy, LC dumped a boy, and Stephanie pampered a boy, but aside from that, I wouldn’t categorize these latest adventures as some of the show’s more dramatic material.
That being said, there’s still plenty to snark about; and who am I to turn away that?

This week’s episode opened up with, well, I don’t know! MTV started it early, which meant I missed the opening recap, not to mention the formative opening patter between Lauren and Whitney. Granted, I did get the tail-end of their conversation, and all I could glean from it was that Lauren now all of a sudden wanted to dump DOUG. Why? I don’t know. Maybe she finally saw him in that ridiculous Lakers jersey. Or maybe she decided that she could do better than the heir to a frozen burrito empire (look it up, it’s true). Point was that things were moving too fast for Lauren. She wanted to slow the Doug train down — reduce the metaphorical microwave to 50% power, lest their frozen burrito of a romance explode violently into a passionate splatter of bitterness and salsa.

“So over it.”

Ah, but while Lauren’s love may be rescinded at any time, at least she does so with an empathetic heart. She commented that she didn’t want to hurt Doug because after all, it would suck to be in his position. “How would you like to be dumped?” Lauren asked Whitney, who sort of stared off vacantly, as if to say, “I’m not familiar with that experience.”

“Um, guys don’t dump me.”

Well, if there was any doubt that the great Lauren/Doug (Lug?) romance of 2008 would be ending, it was put to rest by the episode’s title, “Better Off As Friends.” Uh oh. Poor Douggy Doug was gonna get his. And I didn’t even know why! But I still was brimming with excitement because let’s face it: when Lauren has to be frank with someone, it’s always fantastic. Ahem: I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you? CLASSIC.
Of course, it doesn’t take a genius to know that Lauren and Doug will probably wind up as friends with benefits. And by benefits, I mean complimentary burritos at Doug’s house. Before we could deal with any of the LUG drama, we first headed off to FIDM where Lauren met up with her sidekick-in-training, Stephanie, whose sheepish look was not unlike LeeLoo the dog’s. Yes, for those of you who may have forgotten, last week Stephanie made the unfortunate mistake of inviting LC to her birthday party and then being warm to her own brother/douche, Spencer, when he put in a surprise appearance at said soiree. The horror! When we last saw these two, Steph was on definite sidekick probation, and I could only assume things were still rocky. That’s why when Lauren greeted Steph with a terse “What’s up?” I half expected her to follow it up with “YOU LYING BITCH!”
But no. Apparently there had been some solid groveling off-camera because Lauren announced that she still wanted to keep Steph as a friend, despite sharing common genes with Spencer. Lauren then made reference to some sort of effort that Stephanie had been putting in to maintain the friendship, which again leads me to believe there had been some intense kissing-up and perhaps an occasional mid-morning chai delivery for good measure. Ultimately, Lauren — on an empathetic kick — stated that she felt bad that Stephanie was caught up in the middle of all this nonsense. Of course, she didn’t feel bad enough to withhold last week’s post-party guilt trip, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. Besides, if there’s anyone who doesn’t mind being in the middle, it’s Stephanie. I think she’d be more offended if Lauren and Spencer left her out of their feud altogether.
Meanwhile, over in New York City, we found Whitney enjoying her new bicoastal/bipolar lifestyle. She arrived at the People’s Revolution offices where Kelly promptly asked her, “What took you so long?” Oh, you know, THE CONTINENT. There happen to be a few thousand miles between Whitney’s abode and the office, but hey, who’s counting?
Whitney claimed that she came straight from the airport to the office, but Inspector Kelly seemed doubtful. Was there traffic? Did she have bags? And if so, where were they??? I half expected her to insert a little GPS microchip into Whitney’s wrist and say, “Now you’ll never be off the grid. NEVER.”
Instead, Kelly merely said perhaps the least shocking sentence of the evening: “I’m a little crazed.” So you know: same old, same old.

Kelly then brought Whitney into the back room where some other woman was most appreciative to have the extra set of hands. And who could blame her? They’d been waiting for Whitney for TWELVE HOURS! Anyway, a bunch of male models were in the office for a fitting, which meant we were treated to an abs-tacular montage featuring one guy in what can only be best described as an adult onesie. I’m not sure you’ll be seeing me rocking that out on the street anytime soon.
In the sea of manflesh, however, emerged a veritable beacon: ALEX. Yes, this was Whitney’s soon-to-be boytoy that had been so heavily hyped throughout the season. Kelly happily cut him down instantly, saying, “You’re looking very casual today.” This, of course, coming from the woman who just put a guy into glorified baby-wear. Nevertheless, Kelly asked Alex where he was from, and when he responded with “California,” she snapped back, “THAT’S A STATE!” Yes, apparently states no longer count as appropriate geographical answers. Alex then revealed he hailed from Fresno, CA, and attended USC for college. I’m surprised Kelly didn’t ask for the precise latitude and longitude of his birthplace (and childhood home and kindergarten and favorite ice cream shop). Well, when Whitney heard that Alex went to USC, her eyes lit up. Then again, Whitney could hear a bird chirp and her eyes would light up, but I digress.
Whitney announced that she too went to SC, and soon there was all sorts of chatter/mumbles (diction and projection are not Alex’s strong points). Turns out that Alex was in Sigma Nu — shocking Kelly, who couldn’t believe he was a frat boy — but in actuality, he only spent one year at USC, ultimately transferring and graduating from Columbia. Huh. So why did he say he went to USC? Something is rotten in the state of Alex.
Nevertheless, Whitney was all atwitter over this one-time college chum, and sensing that her protege might have hearts in her eyes, Kelly arranged for them to all go out and get drinks together that night. 8:45 sharp. And Alex, don’t think Kelly won’t want a full dossier on your whereabouts for the next six hours.
Proud of her matchmaking abilities, Kelly clucked, “This is called multitasking in the powerbitch world.” And you know what else it’s called? AWFUL.
Speaking of which, we then headed back to Beverly Hills where the future douchebag club anthem, “In the Ayer” by Flo Rida, appropriately ushered in the arrival of Spencer and Heidi at Beverly Hills restaurant, Cut. Once settled in for what appeared to be a 5:30 PM seating, Spencer and Heidi cooed about how nice it was to finally have a moment to themselves (and, ahem, America). Apparently, Heidi’s sister Holly had already moved back in and was proving to be a major annoyance for Spencer. Heidi, however, tried to brush it all off by employing an idiom, but alas, her impulse to say “Three’s a crowd” clashed with her knowledge of the sitcom Three’s Company; so instead she mashed them all together and announced, “Three’s a company!”
And the answer is no, that does not make any sense, unless, of course, she was actually transitioning the conversation into a discussion of California corporate law.
Well, seeing how his girlfriend was speaking more nonsense than usual, Spencer then voiced his feelings about his sister’s party: “I regret so much not throwing Stephanie’s cake in LC’s face.” Heidi chided Spencer for his malicious thoughts, reminding him that Steph was still his sister and he should be friendly to her, but Spencer was having none of it.
“The day I’m friends with Stephanie again is the day I’m friends with Lauren Conrad,” he seethed. Man, I couldn’t even imagine that group. Stephanie, Lauren, and Spencer? It’s like they always say: THREE’S A COMPANY!!!
Meanwhile, Heidi mourned the demise of her friendships, saying that she missed Steph, to which Spencer said she could hang out with her — as long as she knew not to come home to him. He then managed to do something so Spencer that words can’t describe it. He flicked his wrist out and checked his watch, and that’s all he did, but somehow, the combination of his facial expression and the bombastic movement was totally and utterly awful. As in, skin-crawlingly awful. Nevertheless, Spencer announced, “Time to get in bed and cuddle my dear.” Huh? It was like 3 PM. The window behind Spencer had DAYLIGHT coming through it. I guess early to bed, early to rise. Or as Heidi would say, “Early to bed, early to the early bird.”

We then saw a nifty montage of lights beaming all over Los Angeles, which was convenient because the artist playing on the soundtrack was called “Lights.” It works on so many levels!
Once I was done marveling at this artistry, I focused my attention on Brody, who was sitting at a Sushi Roku table and shockingly not complaining about anything. A new leaf?
Eh, maybe not. As Lauren marched up to the table, he noted, “Somebody’s a little late.” What was it with punctuality this episode? Between Kelly and Brody, I almost felt bad pausing the Tivo to go pee (I held it in).
Anyway, the ever needy Brodester asked Lauren about her charm bracelet, and she explained that one charm was for her mom (who could be reading this RIGHT NOW — everyone say hi!) and one was for Stephanie.
STEPHANIE???
She might as well have flipped the table and slapped Brody across the face with a piece of unagi. Yes, he was not a fan of Steph and doubted the sincerity of her friendship with Lauren. She was, after all, a PRATT, and Brody didn’t want to have to say “I told you so” to Lauren yet again. Somehow this transitioned to talk of Doug, and Lauren mentioned that she was gonna end things with him. I mean, he was really sweet and great and all, but just not her type. And what was her type, pray tell?
“My type is someone I’ve already dated,” Lauren said. So… someone like Doug? I’m confused.
Sensing that Lauren was getting flirty with him, Brody took it to the next level: “Want to talk about us getting naked right now?” I kind of expected Lauren to respond, “Yeah, we could get naked and roll around in the bed, and then I could wind up breaking your arm again because you’re so DAMN DELICATE.”
Instead, however, Lauren and Brody just laughed like it was the AT&T commercial all over again. Good times.
After the commercial break, we headed back to Manhattan — to the SoHo Grand, specifically — where W-w-w-whitney and Alex met up in the lobby and waited for the rest of their group to arrive (um, whatever happened to 8:45 sharp? Brody would not be impressed). Anyway, the two made polite chit-chat, and it quickly became apparent that Alex came from the Justin Bobby / Jason Wahler school of emoting. Specifically, he seemed to communicate through a series of quiet yet mysterious mumbles and purrs. However, Alex seemed to have a bit more personality (slightly), going so far as to crack a joke: “Did you guys book me?” The two laughed as he emphatically claimed he was just kidding several times, but eventually the giggles died down and he asked, “So seriously. Did you book me?”
Okay, he did not say that. Instead, Whitney’s phone rang. It was Kelly. As she spoke on the phone, Whitney nodded her head several times, saying “Uh-huh” and whatnot before finally hanging up and announcing, “NO ONE’S COMING. It’s just you and me.” I can’t say I was terribly surprised, and while Kelly gets a few bonus points for arranging this whole semi-date, I do kind of wish she was there. I mean, how awkward would that have been? I can only imagine the inappropriate questions she would have asked, not to mention the number of times she would have said, “It’s my company; so I’ll ask the questions that I want on Whitney’s date. Alex, do you like women who wear strap-ons?”
Well, Whitney asked Alex about USC again, and he told her “It’s a distant memory to me,” which is why it’s even odder that he claimed it as his school and not Columbia back at the fitting. HMMMM. I don’t even know what sort of conspiracy I’m cooking up. I’m just being skeptical in general. Ultimately, the two opted to leave the hotel and take a walk outside, which was probably a good idea as Alex’s face was getting all sorts of shiny in the warm SoHo Grand heat. While they headed outside, we zipped back to California where Lauren was paying her first visit to Steph’s apartment. How very exciting. You always remember the first time your Master comes to visit…
Anyway, Steph asked Lauren where Doug was, to which a blasé Lauren replied, “WHO KNOWS.” Gosh, I really wish I had seen that first minute of the show. Why the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was Lauren hating on him so much? Maybe he gave her a spoiled burrito. Not cool, man. Not cool.
Well, Steph said that she wanted to have some kickbacks at her apartment, and since I have no idea what a kickback is, I’m gonna assume it’s some sort of chill evening involving drinks and perhaps two hours of uninterrupted sidekick-on-Master praise and genuflection. Stephanie then went on to say that she was all lonely in her apartment (translation: PLEASE MOVE IN) (or perhaps: PLEASE LET ME TAKE OVER AUDRINA’S SPACE). Things were so boring for Steph that she was spending all her time talking to the hamster. She made it sound like a joke, but I have no doubt she actually talks to the hamster, probably something along the lines of this: “Okay, Bubbles, I’ll be Lauren, and you be me. Ready? ‘Oh, Stephanie. You’re my favorite sidekick. I want to get rid of all my other sidekicks and make you my only one. Do you want to be my main sidekick? Run in your wheel if you want to be my sidekick. Aw, you’re running in your wheel! Of course you can be my main sidekick!'”
Of course, nothing is as it seems with the Pratts, and that goes for their pets too. Apparently, Steph didn’t know if she had a hamster or a guinea pig. After much discussion, she concluded that it was a hamster that turned into a guinea pig. I’m sure she was joking (I’d like to think so), but whatever this rodent was, I think we can all agree, it was certainly no BELLA. Or BELLA 2.0 — a.k.a. Ashes. Where is that damn cat anyway?
Back in New York, Alex and Whitney meandered in front of a very special place: Café Felix — where my friend Meeshie and I enjoyed an afternoon of sangria back in 2000, where my friend Jash used to live above, and where Omarosa and Heidi got into a massive blowout on season one of The Apprentice. Good times. Unfortunately, nothing as exciting as those three events transpired with Whitney and Alex. Instead they just kept ambling along as Alex extolled the virtues of New York City. “Fashion is like a culture out here, you know?” he said, causing Whitney to over-eagerly reply, “YEAH!” Okay, settle down, Port. We know you like him. You don’t have to shout his ear off.
Eventually, the two parted ways, and after the commercial, we found Whitney back in Los Angeles, telling the whole story to Lauren. She mentioned how refreshing it was to see male models as soon as she arrived in New York — and for good reason. She had just been on a TWENTY HOUR FLIGHT.
Anyway, Whit went on and on, and Lauren sort of had a perplexed look on her face, one that seemed to say, “I’m not sure I feel comfortable being the one that’s getting recapped to. Who am I? YOU?”
Nevertheless, at the end of the recap, Whitney summed up the entire date by saying, “It wasn’t awful.” Well, that’s a glowing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one. Lauren then asked Whit if she actually liked Alex, to which she answered, “I think so…” I can just imagine Whitney writing Valentine’s Day cards: “You’re kind of okay, I think. Maybe be my Valentine? Eh.”
Lauren then talked about Doug a little more and mentioned that she didn’t want to settle for him. She’s at a point in her life where she doesn’t have to settle. Good for her. I’m bored.
We then found Spencer on his couch holding a book in one hand and texting on his cell phone in the other. It was odd. The doorbell then rang a few times, and after getting no response, in walked Stephanie. “When somebody doesn’t answer the door, it doesn’t mean enter,” Spencer snapped, causing Steph to pause awkwardly, much as her pet hamster/guinea pig must do every time she tries to engage it in conversation.
Well, despite her brother’s frosty greeting, Stephanie revealed that she had come with a peace offering for him. Why? I didn’t know. He should have been the one showering her with gifts, especially after she let him stay at her place for all that time. Nevertheless, Spencer refused to look in the big bag Steph had brought him. But Spencer, IT’S LAUREN’S HEAD!!!
Okay, it wasn’t, and as expected, he couldn’t resist getting his paws on his new presents. Spencer pulled out… a book: The Secret History of the CIA. I’m shocked he didn’t then ask, “How does it work? Does it need batteries? Where’s the on button?”

“So… how does it open?”

Stephanie then expressed an interest in hanging out again, but Spencer denied her. I think we can all agree that’s the last time she’ll be getting SPENCER GIFTS. Rimshot!
Meanwhile, over in the Hollywood Hills (FINALLY. It only took four seasons to get into THE HILLS), Lauren arrived at Doug’s house. Maybe now she can see those prom photos. D’oh! They’re down in Laguna. I forgot. Anyway, Doug was apparently enjoying a delightful dinner alone (gourmet burrito, perhaps?), but what he didn’t realize was that he was about to get an extra side dish of REJECTION. That’s right, Lauren called it quits, saying that there just wasn’t anything there.
“Really? After you said I have a crush on you in the club?” he responded, perhaps unaware that a drunken utterance does not a relationship make.
“It’s not you at all,” LC reassured him, adding, “It’s just that, it’s YOU.” Okay, she didn’t say that. She instead stroked his bruised ego and told him he was so super nice, but that wasn’t enough to console him. He said he’d been hit by a ton of bricks. Or even worse: a ton of FROZEN BURRITOS.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. And I had a burrito thawing for you and everything.”

Ultimately though, he had to face the music, and he did so with relative grace and aplomb. “You’re totally different than any other girl I’ve ever met,” he told Lauren, adding, “You know, because you have a TV show and most other girls don’t.” Okay, he didn’t say that, but as he walked her to the door, they talked about how they would continue to hang out and see each other. After all, they have the same friends, they go to the same spots, they’re on the same TV SHOW. You know, all that typical stuff.
And with that, Lauren left, and the Doug saga came to a close.
OR HAS IT???
Something tells me there’ll be plenty more Doug drama down the pipeline. And by “something,” I mean the trailer for the season. Can’t wait!
What did you think about this episode? Did you like it? Thoughts on Alex? Thoughts on Doug?