HILLS FINALE: No Crabs for Audrina

“I should have made scallops…”

Ladies and gentlemen, The Hills season three has come to an end. For reals this time. No more of this “continuation” crap. Yes, it is done and over, and now we have to wait three long months for August when season four pops up on MTV. Judging by the sneak preview, it looks like we’ll be in store for a lot of drama — at least more than what we got on last night’s somewhat dull finale. I say “dull” because not much happened by way of story. Sure, Audrina and Lauren had a confrontation, but it didn’t really solve anything, and it didn’t lead to any definitive action (ie. Audrina moving out). It just kind of happened, and that was it. As for the Speidi storyline, that plot finally came to a much-needed end. Having to watch the former lovebirds go through episode after episode of “fighting” when we all know they are happily together in real life was just short of painful. I’m glad we can finally put this charade to rest and get back to the normal petty endeavors that make this show so great. And speaking of petty endeavors, let’s talk about the giant elephant, or rather, CRAB in the room. That’s right. I’m talking about the Great Crab Scandal of 2008, an event so momentous, it precipitated the aforementioned confrontation between Lauren and Audrina. I always knew that when the bottom fell out of this friendship, it would be because of crabs. It was only a matter of time…

Anyway, the big season finale began with Audrina and Justin Bobby touring some lofts in downtown Los Angeles, an undertaking that seemed to be more for cinematic purposes than anything practical. I mean, why would an aspiring starlet (and just-announced star of Into the Blue 2) choose to isolate herself all the way off in Downtown Los Angeles? Was she on crazy pills? Then again, I’m sure you start getting crazy ideas when you live in a household where the dog gets more attention than you.
Nevertheless, Audrina was taken with the loft, going so far as to utter, “Such an open space…” Yeah, that’s usually what happens with VACANT APARTMENTS.
Ever the anti-Lauren crusader, Justin Bobby politely listed off a variety of reasons why Audrina should move out; although, I kind of missed them all because I was so distracted by his sunglasses, which were ever so precariously dangling from his ears. Just… put… them… on… your… HEAD.

Actually, I did hear some of J-Bobs’ ideas, and they weren’t totally illogical. They were, however, phrased in annoying Justin Bobby speak, which meant we got a lot of comments like this: “Only you will know where you’re at, which is kind of cool.” Insert mystical sitar here.
As we wondered whether or not Audrina would take the plunge on the loft — or at the very least pay the $25 for a credit check — we then headed off to the opening credits where we could hear Natasha Beddingfield serenade us for the last time this season. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR LIPS. Sorry, random impulse to have a self-empowering moment. After the credits, we learned the title of this week’s episode: “THE NEXT MOVE IS YOURS.” Get it?? Because the “move” could literally refer to Heidi or Audrina’s geographical move OR their metaphorical ones. It works on so many levels. Who said MTV rots the brain?
Anyway, over at Heidi’s apartment, Spencer was still roaming around like a dog trapped in a box. I feared that at any moment, he might just start painting the walls again for the umpteenth time. His ennui, however, was broken up by Stephanie, who appeared at the front door in a blaze of blindingly white light. She had come because, well, the producers had clearly urged her to. But aside from that, she wanted to check in on Spencer, who she soon learned had spent the night at the apartment!!!
“This isn’t like you,” she commented, adding, “Since when do you shun an opportunity to sleep on my couch and ANNOY THE SHIT out of me?” Actually, I really don’t know why she was so perturbed. It’s not completely deranged to spend the night in, you know, your own apartment.

“Did you not even HEAR about the nuclear holocaust outside???”

Nevertheless, Spencer babbled on about Heidi and whatnot, and Steph’s sisterly desire to make her brother happy kicked in. And by that, I mean she saw the perfect opportunity to create more trouble. “If I tell you where she is, will you not do anything crazy?” Steph asked, clearly thrilled to meddle once again.
Well, Spencer promised not to do anything crazy, which of course meant he was going to do something absolutely crazy, but I guess Steph doesn’t know her brother as well as we do because she full-on told him about Vegas. Oops. I guess she forgot about that little pledge she made to Heidi to never tell Spencer about her whereabouts. This is all Heidi’s fault, really. She should have known that Steph would never keep her mouth shut, but I guess sometimes it’s hard to predict people’s very predictable actions when you’re an IDIOT.
Nevertheless, Steph immediately realized that her brother was gonna do something ridiculous; so she gave him a sage piece of advice: “Think really hard before you do something stupid.”
“We’re going to Vegas,” he replied. Okay, so much for that “think really hard” thing.
Speaking of Vegas, we then found Heidi touring around the Sahara with her bosses, Brent and Sam. However, she looked less like a Project Manager and more like a clingy waitresses as she sauntered about the casino with her lame attempt at professionalism.

“Okay, so that’ll be two whiskeys, a Campari, and Brent? Do you want anything?”

Of course, the real purpose of this segment was not to profile Heidi’s meteoric rise in the world of party planning but instead to showcase the exciting new ventures of SBE. That’s why we had to sit through Sam Nazarian babbling away about the St. Tropez makeover he’s planning for the pool area, among other things. Of course, by repeating it here, I’m only doing exactly what SBE and MTV were hoping for, but that’s okay because I quietly hope that one day I’ll get a little email that says, “Hey B-Side, you seem like an awesome guy. Why don’t we comp you a stay at THE SAM NAZARIAN CASINO.” Look, I have no shame.
Nevertheless, this glamorous trio eventually brought their tour to an end at a balcony where Heidi registered her enthusiasm for the project. “I’m very excited to be part of it,” she said, adding, “Now, when can I start screwing it all up?”
Back in Los Angeles, we had a fleeting scene at the People’s Revolution where Lauren and Whitney were busy pawing through a rack of clothes. The conversation, unsurprisingly, focused on Lauren and her deteriorating friendship with Audrina. “I honestly don’t see her very much,” Lauren told Whit, who couldn’t quite believe the words coming out of her Master’s mouth.
“How do you not see each other?” Whitney asked.
“Well, whenever I sense her presence, I always make sure to look away or cover my eyes with my hands,” Lauren replied. Okay, okay, she did NOT say that. Instead she used the old guest house excuse. You know the one: Audrina spends all her time in her little house and never comes in to hang out with us. “I don’t think I did anything,” Lauren noted. So as you can see, it’s Audrina’s fault for not wanting to hang out when they exclude her.
Ultimately though, we could see on Lauren’s expressive face that she was wracked with guilt. She admitted to Whitney that she thought Audrina might want to move out. “You definitely have to talk to her,” Whitney said, adding, “Because if that’s the case, I’d really like to move in.”
Okay, Wh-wh-wh-Whitney didn’t say that last part. Instead, we went to commercial, and upon return, we found the Pratts driving along the Vegas strip, in search of their wayward Heidi. Spencer ordered his sister to call the Heidster, causing Stephanie to whine, “I just don’t want to be an accomplice.” And yet she called anyway. MEDDLE MEDDLE MEDDLE!
Well, Steph got Heidi on the line, and soon enough, She-Pratt’s jaw was dropping. “Wait, you’re with Bolthouse right now?” she asked, clearly in shock that Heidi would ever be with Brent, despite the purpose of this trip being that Heidi was going to fly somewhere WITH BRENT.
Nevertheless, Steph continued to go agog: “Oh, working with drinks. That sounds REAL legit, Heidi.” Yes, what are the chances that Heidi would have drinks with her bosses ON A BUSINESS TRIP, especially when the business centers around NIGHT LIFE. AND DRINKING. That’s right, no one pulls a fast one on Stephanie Pratt!
Anyway, Heidi foolishly spilled the beans on her location, and next thing we knew, Spencer was storming into the Palazzo Casino, not even bothering to get a valet ticket for his car. Steph, meanwhile, just sat in the car like a little pet, awkwardly interfacing with the valet when he approached her. JUST GET OUT AND PLAY SOME SLOTS.

“Meow?”

Well, over in the club, Sam, Heidi, and Brent were having a grand old time. It looked like nothing could go wrong. Nothing at all!

“Hahahahahahahaha…”

“I DON’T GET IT.”

But then suddenly Spencer arrived to do the not-stupid thing he promised Steph he would do. “I’m sorry to interrupt this dinner, but may I have a moment with you outside?” he asked Heidi.
AWFUL.
Heidi got all “flustered,” and the two stepped away, leaving Brent to deliver his big line of the night: “What the hell was that?” And the award for Best Supporting Actor goes to… Brent Bolthouse!!! Why, it was almost as if they totally weren’t even expecting any of this to happen!
“I guess you’ll have to find a new Project Manager,” Sam laughed, at which point Omarosa appeared out of nowhere and handed him her resume. “My name is Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, and you’ll find that my expertise serving both the White House and Mr. Trump will be an invaluable asset to your organization. Also, my British gaydar is impeccable.”
Meanwhile, over in some random area, Heidi and Spencer got to bickering the night away. She told him he couldn’t just barge in while she was eating with her bosses. He told her that she couldn’t just move away to Vegas. Then, as usual, the whole argument turned into a semantics circus that was too confusing to follow. Ultimately, it all came down to Spencer saying he couldn’t have Heidi moving away. This all begged a very important question: why couldn’t Spencer move to Vegas? I mean, this was her fake career, they were talking about. If the fake demands of her fake career necessitated a fake move, why couldn’t he just pack up too? That would have been the ultimate sign of commitment, especially since Spencer didn’t seem to have much going on in Los Angeles anyway. No friends, no job, no real life. Why not move to Vegas?
But as usual, it’s Spencer’s way or the highway. Heidi pressed pause on the convo and returned to her bosses, who at this point were ready for a change of scenery. “We’re gonna go,” Sam said, surely off to a bountiful night of strippers and nose candy. (Aaaand now I’ll never get into any club EVER).
As the guys walked off, Brent warned Heidi, “You gotta get that under control. Like, this is no joke.” That’s right. It might be fake, but it’s certainly NO JOKE!
Back in Los Angeles, the much-hyped Crab Debacle was about to go DOWN, boyeee. That’s right, Lo and Lauren were cookin’ up some crab in the kitchen, and everyone was there but YOU KNOW WHO. That’s right, Audrina was nowhere to be found, which meant that she was missing out on all the fun — such as testing the crab legs to see if they were done (don’t know much about cooking, but crablegs are generally pre-cooked and frozen; so all the debate was somewhat moot. Correct me if I’m wrong though).
Anyway, the crustacean was ready for consumption, but the Big Aud was still missing. “Audrina, come on!” Lo said quietly, resisting the urge to say, “GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE BEFORE I TELL LAUREN TO DROP YOU AS A FRIEND FOREVER! AGAIN!”
Yes, surely Audrina’s inner crab sense should have automatically alerted her that the meal was ready, but alas, she seemed callously resistant to emerge from her dungeon. The normal response would have been for Lauren or Lo to have yelled out the window or knocked on her door or at the very least text her, but instead, they just sat there and talked about why they felt scared to engage in such tactics.
“I just feel like I haven’t gotten to know her yet, and we’ve been living together for a while now,” Lo said, conveniently forgetting all the times she sneered, scoffed, or rolled her eyes at Audrina. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, Audrina reached out to her roomies to come visit her at the studio, but the girls left immediately in order to sate Lo’s hunger. HMMMM…
Nevertheless, Lauren reiterated her favorite excuse. “I’m nervous to go into her little house,” Lauren said, noting that she didn’t feel welcome. This, of course, caused Lo to ask, “Why do you think that is?” Hmmm… maybe it’s because you guys condescendingly call Audrina’s guest house “her little house.” Let’s be fair here. IT’S A GLORIFIED BUNKER.
Well, we soon saw Audrina emerge from her hovel of pariah-ness, but like an eerie M. Night Shamamamalyan ghost, she just quietly breezed on by the main house, giving the ultimate snub to all the crabs in the kitchen. HOW DARE SHE! Looks like the dungeonness didn’t want to eat her dungeness. Wah wah waaah.
I apologize.
As you can imagine, this crabby snub caused quite the stir in LauLo land. “I guess it’s just you and me,” Lo said, adding, “JUST THE WAY I WANTED IT!”
Oh, Audrina. You’ll come to rue the day you crossed your Master. AND ON CRAB NIGHT, NO LESS!

“Well, she’s certainly NOT invited to the clambake now.”

“Are you equally alarmed at how big I’ve gotten in what’s supposedly been just three days?”

After the break, we returned from Vegas, and I gotta say — you have to hand it to Spencer and Heidi for being the first people to ever make Las Vegas seem boring. Well, we found Brent Bolthouse waiting at the valet in the early morning sunshine, waiting for his flaxen protege to join him by his side. But alas, she was nowhere to be found! WHITHER THE FUTURE OF SBE??? WHITHER???
Well, Sam wasn’t about to wait an extra second for the Heidester. There was a plane to catch! He and Brent got in their limo, and for the first time in the history of The Hills, Heidi was not allowed to get away with her poor work ethic shenanigans. Take THAT, slow packer! Of course, she probably won’t be fired or anything. Far be it for Heidi to actually suffer a consequence to anything she does. But I did enjoy Sam’s “Smell ya later!” move with the limo.
Sadly, Heidi wasn’t in any sort of tizzy about missing the plane. That’s because she was with the Pratts. Yes, we then saw Heidi descend an escalator with Spencer and Steph, peace restored at last to the evil Speidi empire. Dammit. I really wanted to see her upset about her bosses leaving without her. Turns out this is what she WANTED. Sigh. She always gets her way…
Back in Los Angeles, Lauren poked her head into Lo’s room where she found her sidekick lying in bed. “Did you have a good day at work?” Lo asked. Work? What’s that? Oh, work! Yes, yes, it was a good day. But Lauren was more interested in talking about Audrina. She revealed that she wanted to talk to Aud about the whole situation, but again LC noted that it’s just so difficult to go back into that house. Okay, this is getting ridiculous. It’s not like Audrina’s waiting there with a damn chainsaw purring at her feet. JUST GO IN THERE AND TALK.
The truth is that Lauren was most likely afraid because she knew that she and Lo were partially to blame for the situation. Not saying it’s all their fault, but all members have been equally contributing to this mess, but Lauren and Lo haven’t quite ‘fessed up to it yet.
Of course, Lo seemed somewhat anti regarding this impending conversation. The way she saw it, Audrina just wasn’t a good fit for them. “If there’s problems, there’s gonna be more problems,” she said, implying that maybe they should just kick Audrina out of the dungeon and replace her with someone who would be more appreciative. You know, like Whitney.
Seeking some sort of perspective, Lauren did mention that she and Lo have a twelve year lead on any friendship they may have developed with Aud, but Lo pretty much dismissed that notion, saying that ultimately, she just wanted to live with fun people. To her credit, Lo had a point. This was not an ideal roommate situation, and she shouldn’t have to pretend like she was okay with it. Granted, the reasons why it wasn’t an ideal situation could still be debated (and I’m sure they will be). Also, I’m not sure if I totally back Lauren’s point about she and Lo having a pre-existing friendship. I tend to think that’s only a problem if they flout their friendship with some sort of exclusivity, which they subtly do. Or at least, Lo does. It’s not impossible to befriend people with long histories. Everyone just has to be open to it, and as we’ve seen, there’s not a huge amount of openness going on here.
Well, at long last, Lauren bravely ventured into the dark and murky world that is Audrina’s guest house, which meant it was time for some awkward small-talk, to be followed with brutal honesty and several tears. Sure enough, Lauren kicked things off with some design-tinged patter, telling Audrina that her decor “looks really good!”
“It’s finally done,” Aud replied, adding, “which is too bad because I’ve decided to move out. Oh wait, did I say that out loud? I mean… uh… I like your highlights!”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but Audrina did tell Lauren that she didn’t feel like it was her place to go upstairs and talk with her. Why, Aud? Because every time you place a foot on the staircase, Lo yells at Chloe, “ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!”?
Well, Lauren fretted that they were growing apart, and Audrina tried to shoulder the blame, noting that she’s been doing her own thing lately. You know, like NOT eating crab.
But soon, Audrina revealed the real reason why she’d been distant: “I just feel like sometimes when I’m talking to you, you’ll ignore me, and it always feels like you’re ignoring me because of Lo.” WWWWEEELLLLL. Unless you can back up your words, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself, sidekick.
“When have I done that to you?” Lauren asked, clearly not having seen the dailies from production. Just cut to the chase and cry already.
“I’ve been going out of my way to try to be like ‘Do you want to do something?'” Lauren said. Yes, she’s been going so far out of her way that she’s made it a point to NEVER step into the guest house. That’s effort!
Audrina, for her part, stayed strong during this battle and finally dropped the biggest bomb of all: “I feel like Lo is the one pushing us apart too.” And with that, the tears began to flow down Lauren’s cheeks. YES. CRYING! THE BEST!

“And on crab night, Audrina! ON CRAB NIGHT!”

“Lo’s done nothing to push us apart on my side,” Lauren said, again somehow overlooking all the passive-aggressive little remarks Lo makes right under her nose. Ultimately, Lauren decided that Audrina was in fact wrong in this situation. “I’ve never let the opinions of others affect the friendships.  I don’t do that,” Lauren declared. WELL. Then that’s settled. Hugs all around!
At this point, my DVR cut off (thanks MTV), but I happened to catch the ending this afternoon. Basically, Lauren walked back to the main house, Heidi and Spencer walked into their apartment, and THEN the show ended (unless you count the awful after show hosted by those two buffoons). So basically, we don’t know what Audrina’s deal is. Will she stay? Will she go? Is there any leftover crab? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
What did you think about the season finale? What do you think will happen? How will Lauren handle this burgeoning feud? Thanks for reading my recaps this season. Sorry there was a gap in the middle. I’ve appreciated your traffic greatly. DON’T LEAVE. KEEP READING. TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW.