LO AND BEHOLD: Three's A Crowd

Hello everyone. After a two week hiatus, I’m back to writing Hills recaps. I sincerely tried to write them in Europe, but it was simply too hard to be snarky when there was so much bewildering television on. I apologize for the lack of content, but rest assured I am back and ready to dig into the passive-aggressive cyclone that is currently forming at the residence of Lauren, Audrina, and Lo. Yes, things are getting truly tense among this threesome as the sidekicks battle it out for supremacy. On one side, we have Audrina, who in recent years has proven to be resiliently loyal, if not a little vacant at times. She’s had a few dalliances with Heidi recently, but she seems sincerely on Team Lauren, and furthermore, she’s got an actual credit among the show’s cast.
Then there’s Lo, the audience favorite for her snarky, vicious comments. She’s been Lauren’s friend since childhood, and she clearly has no tolerance for any of the flighty Hollywood types (a.k.a. Audrina). However, despite the long history between she and LC, Lo has never had an official place in both The Hills or Laguna Beach casts — a fact that is certainly motivating and undermining her simultaneously. So which sidekick will win out? And let’s not forget about Stephanie Pratt, the would-be Bestie #1, whose full sidekick potential has yet to be unleashed (she’s gotta get rid of the ball and chain that is Speidi before she can truly take her game to the next level). Oh what a wonderful disaster all these friends are making…

This week’s episode began with Lauren proclaiming that Heidi was ready to take control of the rest of her life. Apparently that meant wrapping her neck up in so many scarves, I thought she might be ready to open a stall at some Bedouin market. She seriously had a massive overpopulation of knitwear around her neck, but I guess that’s her right since she’s ready to take control of the rest of her life!

“I killed a tiger and made a scarf out of it! Then I cut off my arms.”

Anyway, this new Beyoncé-infused Heidi marched into Brent Bolthouse’s office and announced, “I’m ready to take control of the rest of my life; so LET’S FUCK!” Okay, she didn’t say that, but she did make the equally suggestive comment, “I would love to get my hands in there and make myself as available to you as much as I can.” Surprisingly, this wasn’t a reference to any sort of sexual overture. Heidi was merely letting her boss know that she was ready to take her fake job to the next fake level. And she wasn’t going to let any fake problem get in the way of any new fake responsibilities. That’s right, she was not just ready to take control of the rest of her life, but she was ready to take on bigger and better clipboards and door lists for the SBE empire. Heidi then noted, “Especially if that means traveling or relocating. TO YOUR CROTCH.” Okay, I added that last part. I’m still kind of chuckling from that whole “I would love to get my hands in there” comment.
Well, Brent then talked on and on about how SBE was expanding, and while this was purportedly a lesson for Heidi on the intricacies of the company, it was clearly just a way to promote the brand on TV. After all, if Heidi were deserving of a promotion, wouldn’t she know all this information already? I’ll tell you one thing: you wouldn’t need to debrief Elodie on this stuff. ’nuff said.

“I think I deserve a promotion because every time I do something good, I put on another scarf, and as you can see, I’m wearing a lot of scarves. So…”

After the opening credits, we then headed to “Lauren, Audrina, & Lo’s House” — a title that requires entirely too much text on the screen. The producers just need to simplify it: “Casa Conrad” or the “LaAudLo House.” Of course, the easiest way to shorten it would be to drop Audrina’s name; since it’s clear this a house for A & B; so she should C her way out of it. Yes, while Audrina did mysterious and clearly AWFUL things in her guesthouse (anointed Chateau Audrina by the other two), Lo and Lauren sat out in their backyard and tanned.
“It’s such a nice day,” Lo chirped, adding, “You know what would make it even better? AUDRINA BASHING! Let’s do it!” Okay, she didn’t say that, but the girls did immediately jump into several passive-aggresive comments. You know the type: they didn’t outwardly make fun of Audrina, but they harped on her behavior in ways that made them seem totally absolved of any responsibility. Best example: they derided her subtly for never coming out of her guest house, but they never quite ‘fessed up to their role in that festering situation. I actually feel bad for Audrina. She’s definitely on the outside of these social dynamics. If she tries to join in, she gets grief from Lo, and when she keeps her distance, the girls think she’s acting weird and anti-social (better to put the blame on poor Aud rather on themselves). Can’t we all just get along??? You guys are our protagonists! Don’t make me picks sides! I FEEL LIKE STEPHANIE PRATT (without the ridiculous headbands, natch).
Anyway, Audrina did eventually emerge from her chateau, and she invited the girls to some studio to hear a band play. “We could be groupies for the day!” Lauren said with cutesy excitement. Lo just merely shot off one of her classic withering looks of disgust, boredom, and condescension. It was great.

“Hang out with a band? Who am I? Bianca Jagger??”

While Audrina recovered from the sensation of ten thousands daggers striking her at once, we then returned to Bolthouse where Heidi was still parading her around in her dense thicket of scarves. She sashayed over to Kimberly’s desk and pretty much repeated everything Brent had just told her verbatim: new Hyde bars opening across the country, new nightclubs, brand expansions, blah blah blah. Ultimately, it all came down to the fact that Heidi would be going to Vegas. Kimberly, who seemed just about as bored as we were, clocked in her token sidekick question: what would Spencer say about all this? Heidi didn’t know, but I’m sure if she wanted to know, she could really GET HER HANDS IN THERE AND FIND OUT. She’s an independent woman, yo! Ready to take control of the rest of her life — WITH HANDJOBS!!!
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Audrina and her sidekick, Chiara, sat in a recording studio and watched some stupid band sing / promote their new CD. “He’s got a good voice,” Chiara told Audrina, adding, “I would be his sidekick ANY day. Oh, did I say that out loud? I’M SO SORRY, MASTER!!!”
Anyway, Chiara looked like she was having the best time ever, and why shouldn’t she have been? She was registering some prime screen time with her Master — every sidekick’s dream. But sure enough, every glorious moment must come to an end, and guess who came to crash the party? Lauren and Lo. Yes, the two girls entered to make a perfunctory appearance, and while Lauren at least tried to show some interest, Lo spent the entire time fiddling on her Blackberry. To be fair, I too wouldn’t have enjoyed being stuck with this awful band blaring in my ears, but that’s just me.
Well, after about thirty seconds, Lo announced that she was hungry, and so she and Lauren trekked off in search of sushi. They threw a casual invite to Audrina and Chiara to come join, but as it didn’t quite reek of sincerity, the girls politely refused. Lauren and Lo left, and immediately, Chiara rose to the challenge of genuflecting sidekick and snipped, “That’s rude that they left. They were here for like five seconds!” She then added, “I’ll always be loyal to you, MASTER!”
We then headed over to Luckyfish where LC and Lo were enjoying the sights and sounds of conveyor belt sushi. I don’t know why it’s so fun to have the little plates glide by, BUT IT JUST IS. Anyway, the two girls sulked that Audrina had totally ruined the day by not joining for sushi, which again was a shining example of passing the buck, friendship-wise. Had these gals totally forgotten that it was Audrina who had invited them to something, and it was them who had backed out? Clearly. But all this self-justification for their actions mixed with Audrina-blame just revealed once again that they were ready to kick Aud out of the chateau. Ultimately, Lo declared that she and Lauren simply have a unique dynamic. Yes, it’s a dynamic called “WE HATE AUDRINA.”
After the break, we headed over to Heidi’s apartment, and the answer is yes, Heidi was still wearing her gigantic hoard of scarves. Seriously, I didn’t know one person could sustain so many damn scarves. Nevertheless, while Heidi puttered about doing nothing in particular, Stephanie came over to complain about her brother / squatter, Spencer. She prattled on and on, but ultimately, Heidi did the ol’ “Let’s talk about me now, mmkay?” and announced that she’d be headed to Vegas with Brent and his partner/boss, Sam Nazarian. Additionally, Heidi revealed that her new title would be “Project Manager.” Ummm… is it too early to start thinking about next season’s Celebrity Apprentice because I think we’ve got the PERFECT CANDIDATE!!!
Seriously — imagine the girls of The Hills going up against Trump in the boardroom. UH-MAZING.
Anyway, Steph was all sad that Heidi might be moving away and told her that she and Spencer should really get back together already. “You guys are perfect for each other,” she said, adding, “For instance, you’re both AWFUL.” Of course, we all knew that Steph’s romantic dreams didn’t come from an altruistic place. She just wanted Spencer out of her living room. A reasonable aspiration, if I do say so myself.
As far as Heidi was concerned, Spencer was in the past, and as we all know, she was ready to take control OF THE REST OF HER LIFE. That’s why when The Heidester told Steph about her possible move to Vegas, she also warned, “You can’t tell him. You can’t tell him at all. This isn’t his business. This is something I’m doing for myself.” Cut to Stephanie scratching her head and asking, “Sooooo…. I should tell him, right?”
Yes, if there was ever any need to cite Heidi’s idiocy, it’s her continued impulse to confide in Stephanie, who never found a chance for troublemaking she couldn’t turn down. Let the meddling begin!
Over at the LaAudLo House, things were getting cuter with the arrival of yet another pet, this time a puppy named Chloe. Smell ya later, ASHES. I don’t really know dog breeds, but if I had to name this one, I would call it ADORABLE. Sorry to get gushy. It’s just that after the little bundle of awfulness that was Bella, it’s nice to see a canine addition to the show that doesn’t make you want to throw a pillow at the TV.

Behold Bella 3.0

Anyway, while Lauren and Lo doted on Chloe, Audrina emerged from her dungeon to check out the action, and as usual, she was met with a frosty reception. I half expected Lo to say, “So now that Chloe’s here, she’ll be taking over your guest house. Consider this your two week notice. And by two weeks, I mean two minutes. Toodles!”
Then again, Lo would never be so direct with her passive aggression. Instead, she merely cut down Audrina by telling Chloe that she had two mommies. That’s right: not three. Two. So, yeah, Audrina, you can GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
Poor Audrina. I felt bad for her. Behind those blank, expressionless eyes is a girl who hurts inside. Hurts badly! As Aud walked away, even Lauren seemed to express some regret for her former #1 best bud. Oh well. All’s fair in love and sidekick war.
Over at La Maison de Pratt, Steph was busy cleaning up the kitchen after her slovenly brother, who, as usual, was sitting on the couch doing nothing. Apparently he had left every imaginable item out of the fridge, including but not limited to coffee creamer — always a dealbreaker. The two siblings bickered back and forth so quickly, I really couldn’t follow it all. Basically, it just came down to her harping on him, and him using circular logic to frustrate her into silence. It was kind of amazing.
Ultimately, the spat came to a head when Spencer called Steph pathetic for being friends with LC. In one of his more eloquent moments, Spencer bleated out, “Lalalallalalalala go away!” This annoyed Stephanie to no end, and I’m shocked she didn’t yell out, “GET OUT OF HERE!!! JUST GO TO VEGAS WHERE HEIDI MAY OR MAY NOT BE, BUT PROBABLY IS. AND I BASE THAT ON NOTHING, CERTAINLY NOT ON ANY CONVERSATION WE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAD!!!”
After the break, we then found the newly shorn but equally as annoying Justin Bobby hanging out at Chateau Audrina. The two kind-of lovebirds decided to fix themselves a meal, and of course, that meant that they had to travel to the main house for use of the kitchen. Dunh dunh DUNH!!! Surely I thought Chloe would chase them out like the burgeoning Cerberus that she is, but amazingly, the wee pup was nowhere to be found (perhaps she and Ashes were busy in a territorial donnybrook at the foyer).
As the two situated themselves in the empty kitchen, Audrina revealed that she’d never actually cooked in the kitchen before, leading Justin Bobby to offer up, “I’ll be your first client.” I didn’t realize that diners were considered clients. Consumers, yes. But clients? You learn something new everyday from Justin Bobs.
Anyway, Audrina explained that the reason why she hadn’t cooked in the kitchen before was that there were always these weird vibes around the house. She noted that she was a private person whereas Lo and LC share everything. She then added, “Oh also, THEY HATE ME.”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but Audrina did mention how Lo always rolls her eyes at her. For once Justin Bobby had some good — albeit obvious — advice: Audrina shouldn’t live with people who don’t respect her. He was right, and Audrina agreed. Ultimately, she decided that she was gonna look at some places of her own. Good for her — although, we all know that ultimately her sidekick impulse to stay close to her Master will surely override any fleeting quests for self-respect.
Meanwhile, over at the Van Nuys Airport, a sleek Bentley pulled up to the private plane for SBE. Stepping out of the car were Brent, Sam, and, of course, Heidi, who seemed to be relishing this glamorous rise to power. I half expected her to announce, “My name’s Heidi Montag, but you can call me SHARON STONE.”
Soon all three were aboard the flight, and as Brent and Heidi talked to Sam about Spencer (ridiculous, I know), I couldn’t help feeling like this whole scene was about to turn into some sort of illicit gang bang. I mean, why else would two forty-something men be toting to Vegas a young, buxom blonde who has yet to display any competence?

“One day, Los Angeles, I’m gonna OWN you. Oooh! A cloud!”

Little did Heidi realize that while she was on the verge of joining the Mile High Club, Spencer was moving his one bag of possessions back into the apartment. In his typically sad way, he shuffled into Heidi’s room, saw she wasn’t there, and immediately freaked out. He called his sister and left a voicemail wanting to know where Heidi had disappeared to. This seemed like something of an overreaction. Wasn’t it possible that she had just gone to the supermarket? Maybe Rite-Aid? The plastic surgeon? ALL VIABLE OPTIONS.
I guess we’ll have to wait until next week’s season finale to see how it all pans out for these two wayward lovers (hint: they get back together). In the meantime, I’ll try to get a post up later this week explaining my random afternoon with Speidi. What did you think about this episode? Is the Heidi story line getting too ridiculous? And what do you think about the Audrina/Lo situation?