I wrote this a few nights ago, but I didn’t have the internet access to post it until now…
Prague may offer many exciting nightlife options, but I’m more content to sit in my hotel room and watch TV. That’s right. I don’t need beer or fun or good times. I just need multi-lingual televised offerings, and thankfully, my hotel offers just that. (Actually, truth be told, I would be perfectly happy to go to a pub right now, but as I’m here with my parents, I don’t have too many options drinking-buddy-wise).
Anyway, here’s some good TV.
11:20 PM
A quick survey of the television landscape reveals that the English speaking channels are few and far between. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. I’ve been watching my share of fascinating entertainment offerings. For instance, there are two — count ’em, two — Bruce Willis movies playing on back to back channels, both dubbed over in foreign languages (Die Hard With A Vengeance in Czech, and that generic hostage movie he did a few years ago is in German). Meanwhile, the Italian channel (Rai Uno) seems to have some sort of American Idol knock-off, but it features adolescents, and quite honestly, I don’t get it. I just watched two girls screech out a duet so awfully, I’m surprised all the glass in the Sisteen Chapel didn’t shatter at that very moment. Now some tall, old lady with a prominent face lift, an orange perm, and a full-body purple culotte suit (with accompanying red belt) is singing. She kinds of looks like the bizarre love child of Gumby, Mrs. Roper, and an eggplant. Everyone seems to love her. Maybe she’s a legend. I think her name is Orella Vanoni. Whoever she is, she’s making this night AWESOME.
Meanwhile, on the fake VH1 channel, there’s a pop trio of girls singing a song so silly, I can’t help but feeling like it’s going to be in my head all day tomorrow. The chorus goes “It’s gonna be a hot summer. A hot, hot summer. Hot summer. A hot, hot summer…” (repeat ad nauseam) And in the background, some of the girls sing, “It’s the air.” So I guess they’re literally discussing the weather? I can’t wait for their next hit, “The barometer is going to drop, drop. Drop all night. (Because the air pressure is falling.)” For those interested in learning more about this song, feel free to do some Googling of the band, Monrose. They’re the next big thing.
12:04 AM
Oooh! Family Guy dubbed over in German. Somehow, it’s funnier.
12:05 AM
There’s some German show with a guy named “Todd” wielding a chainsaw and going crazy. His eyes just turned red, and his mother — who looks not unlike Annette Bening — is bawling now. Oh wait, this isn’t a German show. It features Ed O’Neil (a.k.a. Al Bundy), and it’s all dubbed over. I’m so confused. All I know is that these people are crying, and it sounds crazy in German.
12:08 AM
Boobies! These German commercials are insane. Imagine a 900 commercial, and then imagine it with a whole lot of pixellation and suggestive gestures. Color me scandalized!
12:09 AM
Okay, these sex-line commercials are ridiculous. They all last about five seconds, and it’s one after another. And fear not people, there’s something for everyone. Straights, gays — it all appears to be here. Oh — and chubby chasers too! What makes this all sort of amazing is that each commercial comes with seductive German barking. “YOU BE AROUSED NOW!”
12:11 AM
GROSS! I have now seen an old hausfrau naked and rubbing her chestal region. It was like the awful love child of Eva Braun and PORN.
12:15 AM
Ever wonder whatever happened to ’90s up and comer Patrick Muldoon? Well, he’s here! On Czech TV! Fear not though, Mully-heads. He hasn’t been hired by Nova (Prague TV). His work has simply been dubbed over for this Eastern European country. Still, airtime is airtime! Well done!
12:17 AM
Hmmm… HBO seems to be showing Hostel, a movie I’ve vowed never to watch. From what I know, it follows some horny youths who wind up getting abducted in… PRAGUE. Well, I’m definitely not watching now.
12:19 AM
As usual, the Italian channel has a bunch of older men in blazers talking about something or another in front of a huge audience. I don’t really get Italian TV. Every program looks like an awards show. I wonder what they’re talking about. Probably their national MALAISE.
12:22 AM
WELL… if it isn’t Eva Longoria being a badass cop on that Ed O’Neil show. Maybe this is Dragnet. All I have to say is that if there was ever a way to make Eva Longoria seem even pissier, it would be by dubbing her voice with whiny German.
12:30 AM
Now I’m watching a German review of Mario Kart Wii. I don’t understand it, but I’m loving it. I’m totally gonna buy it when I get back.
12:32 AM
Okay, I just have to take photos of the craziness I’m watching:
I believe this is an Italian talent show. As you can see, this dance of the bees and the flowers is highly engaging.
It’s really a searing commentary on the delicate balance of nature and mankind.
Here’s the Italian version of Mrs. Roper. Wait until you see her in all her culotte glory…
Behold!
Four of Germany’s biggest teen idols.
Okay, I’ve seen enough. I gotta go to sleep. Hopefully more to come…