Tonight’s third and final installment of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion was so nasty, so sad, and so delusional that I knew I could only do one thing: photocap it.
After the jump, a full photocap of the whole mess…
“Kyle, where do things stand between you and your sister?”
“Things are not good. The entire situation makes me want to just sink into a pile of Kyle By Alene Too pashminas and cry.”
“We can talk about the real story behind those pashminas if you want to.”
“Let’s not.”
“Kim, what STORY is there behind my pashminas, sold exclusively at Kyle By Alene Too?”
“zzzz”
“Kim?”
“Kyle just needs to shut the FUCK up and support Kim’s nap.”
“THIS NAP IS NOT YOUR ISSUE, BRANDI!”
“KIM IS MY FRIEND, AND I WILL SUPPORT HER NAP!!”
Rinna: “My father never let me nap!”
“I wasn’t NAPPING. It was a SPACE CAKE!”
Rinna: “My father never let me have a space cake!”
“KIM, why are you having a space cake? You can’t have that.”
“It’s personal. Please don’t talk about it.”
Rinna: “Stay strong about the space cake, Kyle.”
“Andy, did I eat a space cake? Yes. Was I high? Yes. Is that considered falling off the wagon? Technically. But did I fall off the wagon? No. And you know why?”
“BECAUSE I WEAR SEATBELTS, AND WHEN YOU BUCKLE UP, YOU CAN’T FALL OFF WAGONS!”
“It’s an expression. No one thought you really fell off an actual wagon, BABY.”
“YOU KEEP MY BABY OUT OF THIS!”
“Kim, you don’t even have a baby.”
“I have three babies.”
“What babies??”
“Oh, you want to talk about the babies? Because I’ll talk about the babies! I CAN SAY A LOT ABOUT THE BABIES!!!”
“What’s the story with the babies?”
“Well, they’re really cute and furry and little with big eyes, and sometimes they pretend like they’re on an adventure in the world, but they’re just in their playroom, and we never see their nanny’s face. Just her green striped socks.”
“Muppet Babies. She’s talking about Muppet Babies.”
“BE QUIET!! THEY’RE MY BABIES!”
“Kim, are you talking about Muppet Babies?”
“Andy, Fozzy is off limits.”
“But… Fozzy isn’t real.”
“OFF LIMITS!!!”
“No one here really thinks I’m a BEAST, right?”
“Kyle, what do you think about this?”
“I’m confused.”
“Space cake.”
“BRANDI, FUCK YOU. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I DIDN’T WANT SPACE CAKE?!?!”
“You’re such a hypocrite! YOU LOVE SPACE CAKE!”
“Please stop with this already.”
“MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP!!!”
“Why can you not accept that I DIDN’T WANT TO GET HIGH ON SPACE CAKE ON NATIONAL TV?”
“YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I FUCKED THE SPACE CAKE BAKER.”
“What was it like?”
“OFF LIMITS!”
“I just don’t understand why it’s okay for Kyle to eat space cake, but the moment Kim has a bite, everyone judges!”
“Yeah. What she said.”
“Um, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that we don’t make a big deal about Kyle eating space cake because SHE’S NOT IN RECOVERY. #notabeast”
“You know, I love cake, and that’s hard for me.”
“I’m human. I make mistakes. I hide cake in my hair.”
“Oh, you hide more than just CAKE.”
“What are you implying, Kim?”
“You know.”
“SHE KNOWS!”
“Kim, what is wrong with you!”
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KYLE?”
“YOU’RE TREATING EVERYONE LIKE A FUCKING DOG.”
“Then you’re welcome because I treat my dog like my son. In fact, my dog IS my son. He’s my DOG CHILD!”
“Well, you better get your dog child under control.”
“That’s enough!”
“My daughter almost lost her hand!”
“HOW DARE YOU! You STILL haven’t apologized to Kingsley!!”
“Me??”
“YOU INSTAGRAMMED IT ALL!”
“That’s right: she tried to get instant graham crackers.”
“But I won’t let you get your graham crackers.”
“So it’s my fault that your dog bit my daughter.”
“What dog?”
“Kingsley.”
“What about him?”
“Why do you put your dog on the same level as our children?”
“Actually, I have a split level house. Kingsley sleeps upstairs, and the kids sleep downstairs; so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Kim, your dog is dangerous.”
“HE’S MY SON. STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM!”
“Kim, some might argue that the reason why it’s disrespectful to talk about each other’s children is because they’re young and innocent, and they might be harmed by what they hear, but a dog doesn’t need to be protected.”
“When my dog bit her daughter, that hurt my family so much. SO MUCH. You have no idea!”
“But Kyle’s daughter was literally hurt. She was in the hospital for three days.”
“You listen HERE, ANDY! I’m gonna tell everyone the REAL story behind me and Kyle.”
“Oh I would like to hear this.”
“Get ready. Because it’s ALL coming out.”
“Fine. You want to go there? Let’s go there.”
“I WILL SAY IT ALL!”
“SAY IT!”
“It’s personal. Next question.”
“Your sister doesn’t love you, Kim.”
“Shut the fuck UP, Brandi!”
“I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!!!”
“You actually just did.”
“Kyle just said that she doesn’t love me.”
“Brandi said that, baby.”
“BEEP BOOP BEEP! MEEMEEMEEMEEMEEMEE!!!”
“I can’t take this anymore!”
“And that’s exactly what I said when the waiter gave me fries that you ordered.”
“WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT???”
“You know. You ordered fries for me when I was thirteen, and I wasn’t hungry. And you knew I wasn’t hungry.”
“I would like to say that I’m a little hungry.”
“I could murder a bacon cheeseburger right now. But, you know, not in a beastly way.”
“Kim, do you think maybe you and Kyle can someday get past this French fry issue?”
“Kim?”
“Space cake, baby.”
I have missed your recaps so much!
Please do not ever stop again!
This is pure gold! Hysterical.. I’m literally laughing out loud.
This made me laugh SO MUCH! Thank you for this! Hahaha
I have missed your recaps!! LOVED this.
So very funnyn and about as logical as the real thing.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
I am rolling in laughter. This is a better recap of the reunion than the live one. Thanks for the laughs. It helped me get over the trauma of listening to Brandi and Kim hate on everyone while claiming their innocents. LOL
No, it was Vile Kyle who was the actress here as well as the victim. Too bad she isn’t any good at either.
“Recap on fleek” – Kyle
OMG ! I just about peed myself from laughing at this ! Perfectly done, love it ! Please do more !
OUTSTANDING! I have not laughed this hard in ages. So refreshing after witnessing such darkness 🙂
THANK GOD FOR THIS. Now I don’t have to sit through the actual last hour of the reunion! 🙂
The only way this could be any better was if you threw in a She By Sheree reference.
this was hilarious, i know it took alot of work and creativity, Kudos!
OMG!!! This was beyond hilarious!!! Thanks Ben!!!
These 3 hour reunions are horrible for viewers too.
OMG, I think I just laughed myself into some sort of hernia situation. It HUUUUURTS! LOLOLOLOLOL
Hi this was the best thing i have seen in ages, just one question what happened to Lisa V?????
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen! I was literally LOL-ing with each pic… THANK YOU! Given how f-ing crazy that reunion actually was, your version isn’t too far fetched… just a helluva lot more fun!!! 🙂
I never laughed so hard! This was incredible. ROFLMAO!
I’ve missed these photo recaps! Thanks!
Just wanted to chime in that I have missed your recaps so much! They are what brought me to your website long ago. I don’t read recaps for shows that I don’t watch, but I do when you write them. I would read your recap of, or commentary on, pretty much anything. Thank you so much for making me laugh today!
I didn’t realize you have a podcast & I just spent the last 5 hours listening (only taking one 3 minute break). I remember your blogs from several years ago & didn’t realize how much I missed them. Though now my entire day’s screwed up, thanks for the laughs. It’s been years since I’ve laughed so hard & so long!
OMG!!!!! Ben, this is fuckin hilarious!!!!! You must do more!