Last week, Kelly Ripa posted a celebrity playlist on iTunes which was supposed to serve as a sort of soundtrack to the perfect dinner party. She writes, “I have a blast on my show, but my favorite place to entertain is in my kitchen. There’s just nothing like the perfect dinner party. And whether I’m making dinner for friends, family, or the guys from work, the best side dish is a good soundtrack. Well, my roasted garlic asparagus is pretty good too, but trust me, these songs are a really close second. I hope they’ll make your dinner party even more amazing, from the first doorbell to the last kiss goodnight.”
Sounds promising enough… until you realize that nearly every song on her playlist is so damn depressing that you’ll just want to hurl yourself out of a window at the very thought of them. I’m not saying the songs are bad, but stringing them together to score a dinner party seems, well, AWFUL. Seriously, it’s a minor feat that Kelly’s guests have survived her soirées without wanting to slit their wrists by the night’s end.
First Kelly starts things off with “Teardrop” by Massive Attack. It’s a mellow bit of electronica, perhaps most famous as the theme song to House, M.D.. Kelly says, “This is the perfect ‘Quick! They’re almost here,’ song.” Yes, it’s perfect if you plan on taking forty-five sleeping pills before the first guest knocks on the door.
Kelly then moves into more appropriate territory with the Feist song, “My Moon My Man.” It’s a bit more upbeat, and yes, I’d have to agree that it’s perfect background music for a dinner party, especially one thrown by a bunch of mid to late thirtysomethings. Nice recovery, Ripa.
Aaaand then she goes right in for the clichéd, sleepy sounds of Norah Jones. “Don’t Know Why,” to be specific. YAWN. I know, I know — this tune is still woefully popular at dinner parties, even though a) it’s been crazy overplayed, and b) it’s more boring than a saltine convention. I think it should be permanently retired from the circuit — or at least held off until coffee at the end of the meal. Still, Kelly writes, “I love this song. It’s best served with a nice merlot.” AND A CRAFTMATIC ADJUSTABLE BED.
Next up is “Ex-Factor” by Lauryn Hill. Again, a pretty solid recovery for Ripa. The song isn’t too upbeat to ruffle any feathers, but it has enough R&B edge to keep people from passing out into their hors d’oeuvres. However, Kelly once again veers into the dreary with Broken Social Scene’s “Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl.” She says, “This is a great mingling song,” which I kind of agree with, assuming you’re mingling about JOINT SUICIDE. It’s not the most depressing song on the list, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me it was used by MTV in some sort of “It’s Okay To Get Help” public service announcement.
As we move into the meal portion of Kelly’s dinner, she then directs us to “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by Cat Powers. If you were hoping for a rousing cover of the Rolling Stones classic, look elsewhere. This is Cat Powers, after all, and while the singer songwriter is quite talented, this song makes Aimee Mann seem like a bundle of sunshine and rainbows. It’s quite strange then that Kelly Ripa would say “This is a great background to the meal.” I’m assuming at this point that her guests are all silent and staring at their soup bowls, all on the verge of sobbing.
Kelly then takes the room down YET ANOTHER NOTCH with the classic love song “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star. This is a great song, but it has no place at a dinner party, let alone in the context of all the other gloomy tunes Kelly’s been playing. She justifies her choice by saying, “I know every single word to this song.” Well, GREAT. That makes it perfect for the party! How about you play the National Anthem too?
Thankfully, things get a bit more lively with David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold the World,” a great upbeat song that was once famously covered by… KURT COBAIN. So even when Kelly’s being happy, she’s reminding us of suicide. THANKS.
We then move onto “Black Cherry” by Goldfrapp, which is one of those airy, slow, electronic songs. The kind that puts you into a daze/trance after three notes. In all honesty, it’s not the worst selection, but coming on the heels of all those other bummer dinner party songs, it’s still entirely too spacey and soporific to keep this poor party alive.
Oh, and did I say Cat Powers makes Aimee Mann seem like the second coming of Katrina and the Waves? Because I take that back completely now. Why? Because next up is, you guessed it, Aimee Mann’s classic Magnolia track, “Save Me.” I love this song. I really do. And I’ve heard it at dinner parties. It works well. BUT NOT AFTER TEN OTHER EQUALLY DEPRESSING SONGS. Good God, Ripa, what are you trying to do to these people? Aren’t you supposed to be irrepressibly spunky? Kelly explains that the song is “The perfect close to the perfect party.” Well, if the intention was to make your guests want to hang themselves when they get home, then yes, it IS the perfect song.
Finally, Kelly ends things with “Pink Moon” by Nick Drake. Why? “This one’s just for me,” she writes. “It’s great to just listen and relax at the end of the night.” Yeah, thank goodness she has a mellow song to unwind to. All that up tempo junk was entirely too stressful for any host. Now excuse me while I put on some Imogen Heap and cry for three hours.