I don’t have much time to write this post today; so I’ll keep the recapping short. Shouldn’t be hard though — after all, most of last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County speaks for itself. The show focused on attempts at resurrection and rejuvenation — from Lynne’s second attempt at marriage with Frank to Alexis’s mom’s new face. Vicki let Jeana back into her life for a new chapter of friendship, and Tamra and Simon attempted to reignite the spark in an ill-fated birthday gondola ride. As for Gretchen, she gave a go at a second career, this time in makeup instead of real estate. However, serious doubts linger about all these developments. Will they really pan out? Will these people find happiness? Probably not.
Despite melancholy undertones, this episode was actually quite hilarious — thanks to some keen editing and some choice quotes from some of our favorite dunderheads. Simon brought some doozies towards the end of the hour as he first compared Vicki to Hitler (with a straight face — Simon, not Hitler) and then informed us that he didn’t control his wife. He then went on to suggest that without his presence, Tamra would be ten times crazier than she is now (thus implying that he does in fact control her).
Alexis, meanwhile, babbled away endlessly throughout the show about the joys of beauty and plastic surgery. And when she wasn’t doing that, she was repeatedly calling her mother “plain” and harping on food and exercise. The poor woman is so obsessed with her personal upkeep, and I think not a small part of that comes from a fear of losing her sugar daddy. Maybe that’s why when she announced she’d be taking one more bite of bread, she merely pecked a mini-crumb, much like a pigeon poking at a loaf of stale marble rye. It was such a ridiculous display that I couldn’t help letting out a hearty guffaw.
Nevertheless, there’s much more to this episode, but I’m must be off. Check out photos after the jump, and feel free to discuss the many things I’ve omitted in the comments section…
Simon: “Cheers to Vicki for being almost as nice as HITLER. Almost.“
“You know Tamra, the more you kiss me, the less time we have for passive-aggressive barbs.”
“Everyone be careful with your liquor. It’s very flammable, especially when in such close proximity to a heat source like ME. After all, I am the HOT housewife! I’m so HOT that this glass wasn’t even glass two minutes ago. It was a pile of sand that I instantly turned into a glass with my HOT HANDS!”
“Do you think more people would’ve come to the convention if we had renamed it the BEAUTÉ Expo?”
“I fear that this room is too plain. Almost as plain as my VERY PLAIN MOTHER.”
“Dammit, I shouldn’t have had that extra crumb of bread at dinner last night. Now I’m going to have to spend all my Lexie time working out.”
“Sometimes, Mother, when Jim calls, I put my cell phone in my crotch and have him speak Bible verses into my lady regions. OH YES JIM! SPEAK THE WORDS!!! TESTIFY!!!!”
Vicki: “Thanks for being a true friend.”
“Thanks for being a BITCH.”
“Hey Jeana, I poured us two glasses of juice from my love tank!”
Ron Ann: “You look beautiful, Gretchen. Almost as beautiful as you were the day I came up with the idea for this makeup line.”
“The day that YOU came up with the idea?”
“I mean, we. The day that WE came up with Ron Ann Beauté.”
Gretchen: “Yay! We finally got our first Gretchen Christine Beauté customer!”
Ron Ann: “What a benchmark moment for my idea!”
Vicki: “What is it?”
“I don’t know? A phone?”
“I don’t like it.”
“Should we throw it out?”
“Does it work?”
“It seems to be working fine.”
“No, I mean, does it have a job?”
“Oh… probably not. It’s just a phone.”
“Well, then I don’t want it.”
“Hey Tamra. Vicki wanted me to relay this passive-aggressive gesture to you. Happy Birthday! Oh, and I’m supposed to add ‘Bitch.'”
Vicki: “Wow, now that I look back at it, I took you for granted. Kind of wrecked the friendship, huh? I really Jeana’d the situation.”
“Get your protective gear on! The HOT Housewife is here, and I’m BURNING with HOT BIRTHDAY FIRE today!”
Tamra: “Sometimes I feel like I’m just pushing Simon away, and I don’t know if it’s because of the things I say or if maybe I’m just TOO HOT for him to handle!”
“I like bubbles.”
“Mother, I think you look so much better now. I mean, beauty is all internal anyway, but let’s be honest, it’s the external that matters most.”
In an unexpected turn of events, Lynne’s daughter Racquel decides to apply her art to Alexis’s mom.
Doctor: “We’re gonna make you look lovely, Penelope.”
“Great. Do whatever you need to do. Just make sure I don’t wind up with Marge Simpson lips like my daughter.”
What did you think about the episode?
Alexis saying that she had never seen anyone who had plastic surgery before her Mom. What – no mirrors in HER recovery room? Please bitch – that is not your original nose unless MamaPlain adopted you from some perky nosed couple.
The only shot of Happiness that could help Simon would come from a walther ppk 7.65mm pistol. Just as Hitler.
hb
Praise the Lord & pass the Botox!!
I busted when Alexis took that mouse bite of bread.
I wonder if Vicki confessed to Jeana that she masterminded the TPing of her house.
I spend quality time with sleeping people. It makes me feel important and useful.