REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Of Love Tanks, Emptied and Refilled

It’s been a few weeks since I photocapped the Real Housewives of Orange County, but now that December and the holidays have passed, my schedule has normalized, and now I can get back to important things: you know, like harping on the lives of Southern California’s most bitchy residents. Sadly, there wasn’t a whole lot of cattiness on this latest episode of the Housewives. It was fairly lovey-dovey, what with Vicki and Donn renewing their vows. Even I had to admit that their storyline, while boring, was somewhat touching. Maybe that’s just because there’s still nothing quite like seeing a guy like Donn being reduced to a pile of man-tears every five minutes.
Less emotional but perhaps a bit more enthralling was this week’s focus on Alexis, who brought us to her church for the first time. It was one of these giant, “modern” congregations where no one wears ties (how very Orange County), and the religious praise comes in the form of loud Christian Rock. Yes, it was all very showy and “cool;” although, I have a hard time buying the whole “progressive” thing when in reality, I can only imagine some of the ballot initiatives this church supports. But there I go getting mildly political. Maybe I should take a lesson from the pastor’s very insightful sermon, which called upon people to “stop whining.” Thought-provoking indeed.

Sadly, that’s all we got to see of Alexis this week (maybe that’s a good thing). Most of the time was spent on Vicki and Donn’s love sojourn to Turks and Caicos — a vacation which featured entirely too much discussion about conches and their magical effect on wang robustness. When the cameras weren’t ogling Caribbean paradise, however, we were back in Orange County in a strange and mildly disturbing thread following Gretchen as she attempted to provide some emotional support for Lynne’s youngest daughter, Alexa. The girl was clearly going through moody teenage times, and recognizing that perhaps she felt isolated, Gretchen offered her services as a sounding board, what with her being the youngest housewife of the crew. Alexa at first opened up, getting all teary eyed as she expressed a concern that no one listened to her or cared about her, but as quickly as this emotional moment began, it was soon over. Later, Alexa complained to her mom that she had felt ambushed by Gretchen, causing Lynne to almost, almost stop exercising for a second and bitch about Gretchen not minding her own business. Meanwhile, let’s not forget that Gretchen called Lynne ahead of time and cleared this entire “ambush” with her. I’m not sure if Lynne had forgotten about it or if she’s just plumb loco (probably the latter), but she acted as if she’d been totally blindsided. She then acted totally dismissive about the prospect of her daughter being depressed. Teenage girls have up days and down days, she told us while somehow simultaneously belittling her daughter’s subpar performance on the exercise equipment. Yup, no reason why Alexa would have any issues at all…
Lastly, we had Tamra, whose marriage and lifestyle seems to be crumbling before our very eyes. It’s been long ago revealed that she’s kind of an awful, catty woman, but that being said, even I have to take her side when faced with Simon, an overbearing ox of a man who earlier this season announced that he had yet to be wrong about ANYTHING in their marriage. Cocky, humorless, bland — all apt adjectives for this guy. Oh — I forgot one: passive-aggressive. Look, Tamra’s no angel, but this guy is out of control with his domineering ways. And he’s kind of a bitch.
Well, the two former-lovebirds have found their marriage on the skids, and it’s not looking good. Every time we see them, it’s the same pattern: he makes a passive-aggressive dig at her, she gets defensive and says something passive aggressive back, he gets angry and domineering, and then she winds up crying. So, you know, it’s really a very loving relationship.
By the end of the episode, Tamra sat down for lunch with her mother and cried about her relationship heading towards divorce. It was actually a very real, very sad moment, made even sadder by the news that Simon had filed for divorce the very same day (conveniently?) that the episode aired. Ouch. Something tells me, however, that Tamra might just be better off…
Nevertheless, here’s the photocap:

Donn: “You know, Vicki, it’s times like these when we walk along the beach that I totally forget how AWFUL you can be.”

Vicki: “You taste like mint!”
Donn: “And you taste like old Schnapps!”

Tamra: “I really feel like you’re putting me on the hot seat, which is appropriate give that I’m already the HOT housewife, but you must understand that my hotness plus the hotness from the hot seat makes it doubly HOT, and that’s a lot of HOT, even for someone like me, who’s already VERY HOT.”

“I’m so bored. I wish Slade were here to make terrible jokes.”

Vicki: “I’m not touching that conch. It has no idea what it’s like to work! You know, like LYNNE.”

Vicki: “Way to go, Donn. Now DO ME like a conch!”

Gretchen: “Oooh, this is beautiful! What’s it made of?”
“Andy Cohen’s chest hair.”

“Honey, my conch erection won’t go away.”

Lynne: “I just can’t believe that Gretchen sabotaged you like that. It seems so inappropriate. I mean, it’s not like she just called me up and ran it by me and got my explicit approval on camera or anything. Man! By the way, you’ve gained weight. Love you!”

Vicki: “How about you and I shut off the lights and play with your MAN CONCH?”

“I wish Jeana was here to see this. HAHAHA just kidding. I hate that bitch!”

“WELL LET ME TELL YOU about renewing your vows. It’ll be all romantic, and you’ll cry and kiss and love each other again, but soon he’ll start to drink and call you names, which you’ll deserve because you’ll be so miserable that all you’ll do is eat Oreos and Nutter Butters until you puff up like a giant blimp. It’s all downhill Vicki. But have a great day!”

“Be careful, Mom. This booth is very HOT, on account of me being here. I am the HOT housewife, after all. They may come younger, but not HOTTER! Same goes for this booth. It’s a HOT booth. A HOT booth for a HOT lady!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I don’t know. My brain must be overheating, on account of the general HOTNESS that I possess. Classic HOT BRAIN.”

“Sometimes I don’t think Simon even understands how HOT I am! I mean, look at me! I’m pure HOTNESS! If you think you’re looking at a pit of lava, you’re wrong. It’s me: HOT TAMRA BARNEY!”

What did you think about this week’s episode? What do you think about Simon?