HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Keeping Up with the Upkeep

It’s just too easy to mock the Real Housewives of Orange County for all the cosmetic surgery and enhancements that they undergo, but really, shouldn’t we applaud these women for being so open and upfront about their physical alterations when so many others refuse to ‘fess up to such similar modifications? Eh, probably not. Proving that vanity always trumps fiscal prudence, these women continue to slither back to that same creepy plastic surgeon in Newport Beach for lifts, tucks, and in some cases, reductions. This time around, it was Lynne and her daughter going in for some dual action under the scalpel. Lynne wanted to freshen up the wilted leather that passes for her face, and her daughter just wanted a nose job. Yes, this was mother-daughter bonding for the new millennium.
Ultimately, the daughter’s nose looked pretty much the same post surgery, which was sort of a let-down. I was hoping for a wild transformation, and let’s face it, she probably was too. The girl was happy enough though; so I suppose that’s good (although, I’m sure her complex will immediately return upon reading the things that I and other bastards on the internet have written). As for big momma, we couldn’t quite tell how effective the surgery was. Lynne spent the remainder of the episode looking like she’d gotten her head caught in a puffy toilet seat on account of the bandages that adorned her head. When they finally came off, she still looked swollen, and thanks to what I imagine was a steady stream of painkillers, she seemed totally out of it — more so than usual. It was actually quite creepy. She stared off vacantly like a ventriloquist’s dummy, occasionally moving her lips to form some basic sentences. This is what nightmares are made of.

Of course, as frightening as Lynne’s post-op frozen-face was, nothing could be as scary as Alexis this week. The buxom mother decided to force mani-pedis on her twin girls, who for the record were not even two years old. Not only did this seem like a logistical disaster, but the inherent message she was sending her girls about vanity and beauty was rather disturbing. Of course, we shouldn’t expect much from a woman who gets Botox twice a year so that she can look as flawless as possible for her husband (the implication being that otherwise he might leave her — she suggested as much last week).
Later in the episode, Alexis chatted up Gretchen at lunch and imparted her world view, which centered around keeping temptations (aka the Devil) at bay. Gretchen, of course, made the salient observation that if one wanted to push temptation out of one’s life, one wouldn’t have two lures in the shape of colossal ta-tas hanging out left and right. But then again, maybe her bosom is just inflated with love for Jesus. We’ll never know.
Anyway, on to the photocap:

“One of these days I’m gonna take this golf club and hit Vicki right in the– wait, are those cameras rolling? What I meant to say was that my wife is lovely!”

“Kids, if you don’t sit still for your mani-pedi, then you’ll never learn the value of making yourself pretty so that a man will want you and thus give you self-worth!”

“Hmmmm… I wonder if she’s ready for implants.”

Tamra: “This house has four bedrooms, five baths, and central air-conditioning — although, you might not feel it, on account of me being so HOT. I am the HOT housewife, after all. Don’t get too close. Wouldn’t want to burn you! With my HOTNESS! Because I’m HOT!”

“Oooh… a clipboard. Does this make me a doctor if I hold it?”

“This is your collar bone, right? Or is it your femur?”
“Collar bone.”
“Of course. Only women have femurs.”

“Honey, you don’t have to do this. You’ll never be as hot as your sister.”
“Dad!”
“But you ARE our favorite though!”

“So now we’re just marking up your nose, and in no time, the surgery will be done and you’ll be almost as hot as your sister!”

“I wonder if the air conditioning is on…”

“NNnNnnngggghhhh… who put the Frosted Cheerio around my head?”

“Now I’ll be pretty! Directionless, but pretty!”

“Omg, I’m so much hotter now.”

“So I’ve been thinking about it, Slade, and I’d prefer not to do a sex tape with you.”
“Really? But it’ll make me so famous.”
“Yeah… no.”

Alexis: “I believe very strongly that the devil is trying to come into our lives; so it’s very important for me to have giant breasts with which I can buffet him away.”

“In fact, it’s essential that I show off my enormous funbags as much as possible so that the devil sees them and says to himself ‘I better not go near that woman because she has a protective layer of boob around her. Better prey on the weak instead — you know, like the gays and Jews.'”

“Our friends are awful, aren’t they?”
“Oh totally.”

“Here’s the thing, Tamra: I’m not going to take my blog down.”
“FINE. Then I’ll just MELT it off your site on account of me being so HOT, which I am.”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Alexis?