And then there was one. This past episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County saw our favorite sad-sack, Jeana Keough, bid adieu to the show, leaving just Vicki Gunvalson as the only remaining original cast member. It was a bit unclear what had truly motivated this move — was Jeana under financial distress? Did she hate Vicki? Did she want to spend more time with her children? Either way, she was ready to move on, which meant we’d no longer have a steady stream of passive-aggressive mumbling in the corner. So very sad.
Taking Jeana’s place is the buxom Alexis Bellino, who we met briefly the episode prior. We have yet to learn much about her, but here’s what we do know: she and her husband are decidedly conservative. Not only do they talk about God frequently (in that annoying “Hey look, we’re talking about GOD” way), but they’ve adopted traditional social roles. Alexis’s husband is the breadwinner, and she’s the mommy. Specifically, she stated that her goal in life was to be the best mommy and wife she could be. That apparently includes a rigorous exercise regime and the employment of two nannies for three children. Seems a bit excessive. The good news is that Alexis and her husband do seem like affable, friendly people thus far; although, we’re really only just getting our toes wet with them now. I’m sure there will be some awfulness to come, especially if Alexis’s ordering habits are any indication (her Cadillac margarita required so many footnotes, special requests, and substitutions that I’m shocked she didn’t just hop behind the bar and make the drink herself).
Anyway, I’m sad to see Jeana go, but I’m excited for the drama that another busty blonde can offer the group. Photocap after the jump…
Gretchen: “The reservation should be under Smiley.”
Receptionist: “I’m sorry, I don’t see it.”
Slade: “Maybe try Douchebag?”
“Ah yes. There it is.”
“I dedicate this moment to Tamra.”
“Come closer Slade. I want to feel your douche-rection on my back.”
Insert Gretchen’s horse cackle here.
“OHHHHHHHH WE’RE HALFWAY THERRRRE, WHOOOAAA OOOHHHHH LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER!”
“Our reality is that God is first, then marriage, then nannies, then spinning class, then Cadillac margaritas (with Grand Marnier, soda, a partially salted rim, a lime garnish cut 1.35″ wide, a surface temperature of 78 degrees, and a glass wiped of all condensation except for three circles to represent the Holy Trinity), and then our kids.”
“Little Asian lady, you think I’m hot, right?”
“Ohhhh no. Other blonde ladies much hotter. Much much. You have saggy chest and breath that smell like Yangtze River!”
“So before we head out, should we turn off the AC? Assuming we have it, of course. Do we?”
“There’s something about a cinderblock cabana that just screams ROMANCE.”
“Is someone castrating a raccoon out there? Oh no, that’s just Tamra’s voice.”
“Kids, to make ends meet, I’ve decided to sublet that half of our kitchen island.”
“Simon, if someone doesn’t say I’m hot in the next fifteen seconds, I’m going to lose it!”
“Well, I’m sure–“
“HEY EVERYONE! AREN’T I HOT???? Ah, that felt good.”
“Our reality is that it’s more important for me to stay in shape for my husband than to spend time with my kids. But it’s okay. We have two nannies for three kids; so it all works out. That’s just our reality.”
“Hey everyone, should I turn the air conditioning on in here? I know it’s getting a bit warm, what with–“
Guy: “What with Alexis being so hot? I know!”
“NO! WITH ME BEING SO HOT!!! I’M THE HOT ONE! THEY DON’T COME HOTTER THAN ME!!!!”
“Hey, Vick. I just got back from my Charlie and the Chocolate Factory audition. They want me to be Violet.”
“I was also thinking I could try out to be a Fruit of the Loom character. What do you think?”
Vicki: “Stupid bitch says what?”
“What?”
“Nothing!”
Tamra: “Did you get that ring at Bass Lake?”
Alexis: “What? I don’t even know what that is.”
Guy: “Don’t mind her. She’s obsessed with that lake.”
Tamra: “I am not… And why would you say that? Did you hear a rumor about me? AT BASS LAKE??”
Tamra: “Do any of you want to get into the pool? It’s perfectly warm. It was cold before, but then I put my feet in and instantly heated the pool, on account of me being so hot. I’m the hot housewife, after all. It’s like I’m a small sun. Don’t look directly at me!”
Guy: “Give it up, Tamra. Really.”
Kara: “I think I’m going to get a salad as an appetizer.”
Jeana: “I’m gonna order a small bowl of Sadness Behind The Eyes.”
Jeana: “I love having all you kids back here at the house: beautiful Kara, Colton – my rising star, and Shane, my enormous asshole of a son.”
Shane: “Shut up, Mom. You suck so much.”
“Aw, I’m sorry. You’re right.”
Lynne: “Don’t come in here. My old nose is on the bench.”
Tamra: “Well isn’t this a class event? Spending an evening in a lingerie store in a mall!”
Alexis: “Our reality is that we don’t wear lingerie in public. I mean, I don’t mind showing off my knockers on national television, but our reality is that we draw the line arbitrarily with lingerie.”
Alexis: “Our reality is that I’ll just sit here and hopes my husband lets me eat something for lunch. That’s just our reality.”
What did you think about the episode? Sad to see Jeana go? Thoughts on the new girl?
As soon as you hear them say “God is so important in our life” you know they are going to be hypocritical asses.
And I thought the whole lingerie thing in public was pretty stupid since we have already seen almost all of her boobs when she was wearing her suit.
Two nannies for three kids, my eyes are rolling out of my head.
It is sad to see Jeana go. I will miss her daughter the most as she has somehow turned out normal.
That was hilarious.
I read somewhere that Jeana left because Bravo didn’t meet her asking price per episode. I’m not sure if that’s true because it seems like she was so hard up for money that any paycheck would have been better than none. Either way, I’m going to miss Debbie Downer.
I love it when you do the Lynne/ Air Conditioner reference.
I am surprised you didn’t find the new guy (Alexis’s husband) to be a domineering asshole. I thought he seemed like a prick.
I agree with Derder – the new real househusband is a grade A douche.
3 kids & 2 nannies & she has to have one nanny travel with her wherever she goes so she won’t have to be alone with them.
Tamara’s fixation on Gretchen is pathetic. Ficky’s denial of all her faults is typical.
hb
I will miss Jeana too. I can’t believe that you didn’t comment about the mean things that both Vicki and Tamra said about Jeana especially the part about her talking behind people’s backs — pot call kettle black………………….
And then Alexis — please!!! I have three kids and the oldest was four when the youngest was born. We didn’t live by family and surely didn’t have nannies so I had no help whatsoever. So, really, really!!!
Put me down for thinking the new guy is a domineering d-bag. Did you not notice his yelling at her in the restaurant to “keep your voice down people are looking at us!” when she was totally talking in a normal voice (and the people were probably looking because of all those cameras folling you around, pr!ck).
And, imo, it is Alexis’ choice to be a stay at home mom & it is a valid choice. If she’s lucky enough to be able to do that and have help in the form of nannies doing it, more power to her. I will not slam her for that. But I can & will slam her for thinking that two 15 lbs. watermelons sitting on her chest is a good look.
Vicki & Tamara have got to be the two viliest, dumbest envy-filled a-holes in Orange County. I cannot wait for the 2 of them to have a falling out with each other.
I will miss Jeana very much. She was the only one who could call Vicki on her bullshit. And Tamra too (Gretchen catches Tamra in all kinds of lies, but Tamra just gets mad and yell and lies more about her). Jeana was the only relatively normal person on there, and I dont blame her for leaving the show (for the record, she left because Vicki told the producers and everyone that she refused to give Jeana a loan, then of course production put it in there, and when Jeana found out she was furious (which she has every right to be toward Vicki)).
I adored Kara and Jeana both. Such good sense of humor. Will not miss Shane AT ALL. But Jeane & Kara definately.
Lets hope Alexis calls Vicki out, as the promos make it out to be. And I second Dark Star’s (above) idea/hope that Vicki and Tamra turn on each other. That would be the best Real Housewives moment of all time!
Oh, and fuck Vicki (total backstabber) and Tamra (huge liar and jealous shrew). Is that too harsh? I know they’d say way worse about me.