HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Miss Independent

Sorry to be tardy for the party on this post, but I only got around to watching last week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta last night, and after a two week absence, I’m back with a photocap. So much has gone on since I last did one of these. Kim recorded “Tardy for the Party,” Kim kicked Nene off the record, Kim reunited with Big Poppa, Kim started dropping $32,000 on middling necklaces, Kim fell down a staircase, Kim scratched up her legs, Kim fed her daughters more crappy food, Kim drank more wine, and Kim’s boobs inflated just a tad more. Seriously, her bosoms are expanding at an alarming rate. It’s almost like a titty version of The Blob. Nevertheless, sparks flew this week when Kim revealed to Nene that she would NOT be recording on the “Tardy for the Party” track. This sent Nene into a whirlwind of anger, and she became downright bitchy and awful — during Sherayay’s INDEPENDENCE PARTY, no less! Look, we all love Nene, but if she can make Kim seem like the mature one in a situation, something’s wrong. True, it was sort of effed up of Kim to bump Nene off the song after months of begging, but still, it’s really not that big of a deal. Nene was just on a rampage that night, and after she was done with Kim, she wound up going off on poor Kandi, who almost lost it herself. Luckily, the singer kept her mouth shut like a closed pocketbook (and by pocketbook, I mean vagina. And by vagina, I mean TWAT, which is apparently okay to say on TV — thank you Lisa Wu Hartwell).
Speaking of pocketbooks, Lisa and Kandi participated in a rip-off of The Vagina Monologues called The Pocketbook Monologues — and no, it was not a tribute to offerings of Coach and Talbots. It was just a different word for vagine (and yes, this will make me snicker now every time a woman says “This damn pocketbook. I can NEVER find anything in here!”). Lisa seemed to do a proficient reading of her monologue (“A Closed Pocketbook”), and Kandi pulled off what appeared to be a very powerful version of hers (“A Broken Pocketbook”). I can only imagine what sort of monologue Kim would have been given. I’m gonna go with “Close Your Pocketbooks To Married Men.”
Nevertheless, while some of the ladies were emoting about their “triangle between the legs,” Sherayay was getting her Betty all excited about a portrait. Yes, this most modest of women decided to commission a GIANT painting of herself that she’d then reveal at her own oft-delayed Independence party. Talk about class. Amusingly, Sherayay boasted the credits of her artist, saying that he’s done politicians and high profile people such as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Britney Spears. First of all, the inclusion of Britney Spears on that list is amusing enough. However, I’m more amused that Sherayay would imply that major dignitaries would sit with this man — people like Barack Obama or Bill Clinton or Queen Elizabeth — but in reality, her examples are two guys that have been dead for over a century. Of course, any world leader, dead or alive, would pale next to Sherayay, and I’m proud to announce that this artist has finally reached the pinnacle of his career. Well done to all involved.
Anyhow, enough babble. Let’s move on to the photos.

“You know, with Big Papa, the love is genuine. It’s REAL. I mean, I genuinely, really love his money.”

“By the way, I named my boobs Ariana and Brielle. ‘Cause I think of them like my daughters. Except, I guess, my daughters probably won’t pop some day.”

“This place seems good. Let me ask you this: can we land a helicopter in here?”

“So before I start writing this book, I just want to make sure you’re still down to have it say ‘Written by Denenenene.'”

“And so then my stepdaddy came into the room and he burrrrr brrraaaa grrrr baaaaaaaah rrrraaaaaarbbbed me.”

“I hope you all like my dress. I didn’t want to wear anything that might show off my camel pocketbook.”

“Ahhh yes. You are quite beautiful, Sherayay. I’ve done portraits for many high profile people — George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ludwig von Beethoven. Of course, they’ve all been dead, but you seem sort of soulless; so you should fit right in.”

Sherayay: “Now this is what you call customer service!”

Dwight: “Kandi, you were marvelous. And I can say that because I am the expert on drama now too.”

“Oooh, I like these bangs!”
“Yeah, they cover up more of your face.”
“Wait, I thought you said I looked like a twentysomething.”
“Yeah, but one of those twentysomething girls who looks like a forty-two year old.”

“You like my crutches? My daughter Brielle decorated them to make them look all classy and such. I gave her a bonus Chick Fil-A meal before bedtime as a thank you.”

“Listen you two, all I have to say is baaaaaarrrrhhh grraaaaahhh brrrrrrrrr ffrrrrrrrraaaa.”

“Excuse me, but this is MY independence party, and you’re kind of taking the attention away from ME. So unless you’ve got a poet or a helicopter for me, please be quiet.”

“Aren’t I modest? Gathering you all here to unveil a GIANT portrait of ME?? And look! It’s just like me! Right down to the crooked eye sockets!”

What did you think about the episode? Should Nene have gone off on Kim? Or Kandi?