BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: The One Where The Season Goes To Shit

Oh, the cruel fates of Big Brother. Not only did we see the lovable but dense Jeff exit the house last week, but we also had to endure the horrendous reign of Natalie (known alternatively as Gnat or NataLIE) in the house. This meant that for two episodes, we were exposed to her high-pitch, nails-on-a-chalkboard voice squawk humorlessly about who knows what. The girl is awful. Simply awful. And if you have your doubts, look no further than her tenuous HOH win where she first proclaimed that she triumphed by keeping her word (not really — she has no word, considering her entire tenure in the house has been predicated on a lie) and then gave a shout-out to Chima, one of the more loathed contestants in recent years (although, nowhere near the awfulness that is Natalie). If you are the friends you keep, then Natalie’s really got some problems in the character department.
Once Natalie ascended to power, she continued her questionable hygiene practices (on the live feeds, she was caught scraping down the bottom of her feet INTO THE HOT TUB) and then opened a second Pandora’s Box. The downside for her was great — she couldn’t compete in the Veto competition. The upside was that she could spend some time with her boyfriend in a little room. She walked in, and this guy (who must be deaf and lacking olfactory senses) immediately dropped to his knee and PROPOSED to his greasy mosquito. I wish I could say the moment was terribly emotional or at least afforded us a glimpse into perhaps a likable side of Natalie, but no. It was nothing of the sort. She just sort of stood there and said okay. It was as if someone had offered her a sample at Costco. Long story short: she’s an idiot, but he’s an even bigger idiot for lusting after her.

Later, Natalie thought she’d show her “funny” side by dressing up in a robe and a crown to deliver her nominations. It was dumb. She then proceeded to slam Michele, calling her the devil and ultimately continuing the baseless hate-campaign she’s been stirring up against the PhD all summer. Why everyone hates Michele is beyond me, but I think a large part has to do with the character assassination Ronnie and Natalie committed early in the season, thus leaving poor Michele with a tarnished reputation she hasn’t been savvy enough to repair.
Poor Michele. To think that she lost the Veto by just one wrong answer. I think Big Brother fans across the country collectively groaned when Kevin won the competition. The last thing we need is another week of him whining and moaning and looking scared in general — only to be punctuated with random moments of rehearsed sass. Actually, the last thing we need is another week of Natalie, but that’s a given. The only, and I mean only redeeming quality about having Kevin making it to the final three is the potential that he might win the final HOH and cut Natalie at the last second. That would make it all worth it, and if he were to do that, I’d have a massive new respect for him. But then he’d probably make a whining noise and hide his face in his hands, and I’d just roll my eyes and get annoyed with him all over again.
To Michele’s credit, she made some solid arguments to Kevin as to why he should keep her, but we knew he’d never go for it. If he did, Gnat would be all over him, and let’s face it, who wants to deal with that yapping chihuahua biting at your ankles for a week? This all raises a very important question: is Natalie the worst house guest of all time? It’s hard to say. She’s certainly the most irritating. To her credit, she’s made good moves, and she’s schemed the way she should have to get where she is now. But why isn’t she as fun to watch as say a Janelle or a Dr. Will? I think it’s her lack of self-awareness and humor. And the fact that she’s awful. I mean, she really is. I bet she likes terrible movies too. Like, when the box office report comes out on Sunday, and you see a movie that only earned $4 million opening weekend, and you think to yourself “Who even went to that movie?” you know it was Natalie.
Okay, enough ranting. Let’s look at some photos.

“Hey guys, aren’t I funny? Isn’t it funny that I dressed like this? But guess what? These aren’t my normal clothes. You just got PRANKED by an eighteen year old! WHICH I AM!”

Natalie: “Jordan, if you don’t mind, I’m trying to take a bath.”

“You guyyyyyss. There are a lot of directions. I’m scaaared.”

“You guyyyyyss, look at all these blocks! I’m scared!”

NOOOOOOO!!!! Once again, Lydia ruins EVERYTHING.

“OMG, YOU GUYS!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT I COULD PUT MY HANDS ON MY FACE DURING THE COMPETITION!!!!”

“You guyyyyyss!!! I just ruined the rest of the season for America!!!”

“I’m so tired, which is bizarre considering that I normally have the boundless energy of an impressionable teenage girl, WHICH I AM!”

“I didn’t really mind not playing the Veto because it meant I could hang out for a while and do things like not shower.”

“Here Kevin. Let’s share some Mike’s Hard Lemonades, which I obviously won’t drink on account of me being just eighteen years old and three years under the legal drinking age in California — another drawback of being an impressionable teenager, WHICH I AM!”

Natalie: “What a great week. You won the Veto, and I got engaged.”
Kevin: “Oh yeah! So what’s the lucky girl’s name?”

“OMG. She likes boys?”

“Julie, the lie has been great. It’s really convinced the house guests that I’m impressionable and not smart and a total idiot. Yes, that’s allll thanks to the lie.”

“Kevin, I just wanna say that I will have your back any time of the day. Whether it’s one o’clock or five o’clock or twenty o’clock, I will be there fer you.”

“So, um, I just want to say that, um, I’m devilish, and I’ve burned a lot of people, and, um, if you take me, um, up to, um, or with you, um, to the top two, um, or final two, um, I think, or I mean, you should think that, um, you’d have a good chance because no one will, um, vote for you, um, I mean me, and um, it’s an easy $500,000 for you. So yeah. Um. You should keep me, and um, it would be, um, you know, um, I’m gonna sit down.”

Kevin: “You guyyysss! It’s a log! I’m scared.”
Jordan: “I never seen nuthin’ like this before. I’m quarter past amazed!”
Natalie: “We once had to do a log roll in college. It was so much fun — or so I assume because I never went to college on account of me having just graduated high school a scant three months ago, WHICH I DID!”