TOP CHEF PHOTOCAP: High Stakes Cooking

Top Chef is back, and this season, it’s headed to Las Vegas. It’s a bit too early to scope out who the stars are, but it seems as though the talent is a tad higher this season, what with the scattering of James Beard nominees and Michelin star recipients. The two brothers, whose names escape me, seem like serious contenders, as does the winner of this week’s elimination challenge (who shall go by Red Beard until I get my act together and look at the bio page on Bravo). I kind of like the self-anointed bitch of the season — the one who worked under Eric Ripert in Philadelphia. Why do I like her? Well, she worked under Eric Ripert in Philadelphia. That’s enough for me. Also, she said she can make men cry; so that would be fun too.
In terms of trends, this season seems to be all about the tattoos. Yes, faux-hawks are so season five (and four and three and two and one). This time around, it’s all about tats, but not just any tats. I’m talking about TERRIBLE TATS. I’m not opposed to tattoos, per se, but I am opposed to ugly, poorly placed, and generally dumb-looking body art. And this season is all about it. Seemingly everyone has a splotch of nasty ink on their shins or neck or elbow or earlobe. Again, not all the tats are bad, but maaaan, between these people and Lydia on Big Brother, there’s a lot of piss poor tattoo representation on TV these days.
Nevertheless, it was great to see our judges back in action, and don’t think I didn’t laugh when a chef handed Gail a giant plate of doughnuts, causing her to say “Dessert first for me!” Bless her heart. I suppose also now would be a good time to make my biannual announcement that I love Gail and don’t think she’s fat, despite what the jokes on this blog might suggest. People always ask me why I come down on her so hard. I don’t come down on her. I make fun of a fictional condescension that I pretend her fellow judges have for her. Yes, I know a bad joke is one that you have to explain, buuuut… I’m still gonna do it anyway.
So on that note, onto the photocap!

Wolfgang: “And so I saw the giant basket of bacon donuts, and I thought to myself, ‘Who would ever eat that?'”
Padma: “And then… and then…”
Tom: “Spit it out, Padma. Stop laughing.”
Padma: “And then they put it in front of GAIL, and she grabbed the whole thing and said ‘Dessert first for me!'”
Wolfgang: “Have you ever heard of such a thing?”
Padma: “Oh, you just wait. This is just the tip of the Gail iceberg. And let me tell you something — it’s a BIG iceberg, bless her heart.”
Gail: “Bitch.”

“You there. Take away this deep fried steak.”
Padma: “No, no, Wolfgang. We don’t throw away our food here. We just pass it down to Gail, bless her heart.”

“Nice to meet you. And how many AWFUL tattoos do you have?”

Padma: “Joining us now in the kitchen are the world famous Stardust Showgirls from right here in Las Vegas. My dear friend Gail Simmons was supposed to be present as well, but she passed out on an ice sculpture in the Golden Nugget buffet after having exhausted their supply of shrimp cocktail, bless her heart.”

“If I hear one more comment about Slumdog Millionaire, I’m gonna throw this purée right in your faces!”

“We just got the news. GAIL IS ALIVE!!! Now, does anyone know how to get her out of the lion cages at the MGM? She’s frightening the wildlife.”

“Hey, Eli, that’s a cool shirt.”
“Thanks.”
“Mind if I deep fry it?”

“So rumor around Vegas is that they had to shut down the animal sanctuary at the Flamingo. Yeah, apparently Gail Simmons tried to eat a penguin. Bless her heart.”

Wolfgang: “What about a rotten egg cooked in rancid sesame oil and served on a bed of wilted cabbage?”
Tom: “Yeah, Gail would eat that too.”
Wolfgang: “Wow. She has an iron stomach.”
Tom: “More like bottomless.”
Padma: “Bless her heart.”

The location of the upcoming season of Top Chef: District 9.

“Hey look! It’s a message from Gail! It says, ‘Hiding under craps table at Circus Circus. Send more hollandaise.'”