BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Stand and Deliver!

Yay yay yay! Last night’s episode of Big Brother was a thriller for a variety of reasons, and I’m happy to report that I was actually there in the studio live for the eviction. Yes, it just so happened that the one week I got tickets for was the most electric live show of the season. I couldn’t have been more excited. The big question mark going into the show was whether or not Jeff would use his game-changing Coup D’Etat power (or the “Wizard Power,” as the house guests referred to it). With this special ability, Jeff could remove one or two of the nominees and replace them with whomever he felt deserved to go on the block. Now, I can tell you I’d be more than happy to see Lydia march out the door, but truth be told, I was really hoping he’d take her off (as well as Russell) and replace them with Jessie and Natalie. Did he use the power? And if so, did he use it on Jatalie?
The answer after the jump (to avoid spoilers for all you lazy bums).

So the answer is yes! YES YES YES! Jeff used the Coup D’Etat, and he placed Jessie and Natalie on the block, much to the joy of the audience. We were given strict instructions to contain ourselves (ie. SHUT THE HELL UP) so as not to affect the dynamics inside the house (lest the house guests hear who we love and hate and adjust their actions accordingly). As a result, we weren’t able to cheer and testify like a bunch of crazies in Oprah’s audience, but man, I know we all wanted to.
When Jessie later got the boot, it was all we could do to stifle our sheer joy. Eric the stage manager had to make a flurry of hand motions to remind Peg and Gretchen and Suzette and all the other excitable audience members / me to control themselves (some people were unable to monitor their gasp volume). However, as thrilled as we all were with the Coup D’Etat and its outcome, the biggest moment deserving a stifle occurred during the HOH competition when Chima was eliminated from the running. You could actually hear the audience bursting into near applause on the live show (our other communal gasps and guffaws were somehow barely noticeable when I played back the episode).
All in all, it was a great experience, but sadly, Chima did not go nuts as promised. That would have been wonderful. I think everyone was prepared for such an outcome. Even CBS president / Chenbot hubby Les Moonves showed up at the taping, and in all my times going last season (including to the finale), he had never surfaced. I should note that this was my first time going to the live show since Julie gave me a shout out in Entertainment Weekly. I really wanted to yell out something self-serving like “Thanks for the shout out!” or “Hi Julie!” or “HERE I AM!!!!!” but my general instinct for proper decorum trumped any desire for special attention (shockingly).
Speaking of special attention, my friend IndianJones came along to the taping (where we met up with Flipit from TVgasm), and I’m most pleased to say that he was summarily denied in his attempt to slap Jessie five upon exiting the house. Yes, IndianJones was a mere two seats from the aisle, and when Jessie bounded out of the doors, everyone surged forward to shake his hand (for the life of me, I don’t know why). Anyway, IndianJones actually rose from his chair and extended himself across the cougar sitting next to him and tried his hardest to get a high five, but wouldn’t you know it? Jessie full on DENIED him. He slapped everyone’s hands but his. I immediately burst out laughing, and when IndianJones returned to his seat humbled and embarrassed, I was sure to reiterate that he’s just gotten denied on national television. BY JESSIE.
Luckily for him, in the playback, you can’t really see IndianJones’s mortifying rejection. Eagle eyes can see his hand extended, only to retract swiftly when it becomes obvious that he’s been left to hang there like a second class citizen. Wonderful TV, I tell you. Wonderful.
As for Jessie, his exit interview — while more energetic than last year’s — proved to be as incoherent as ever. He literally made no sense, and he continuously insisted that he knew Jeff had the Wizard Power because America hated him, and of course America would give it to the guy who would most likely use it against him. It was a rather narcissistic view of the game and America. Clearly Jessie couldn’t fathom that it wasn’t about him, not to mention that perhaps the reason why America gave it to Jeff is because America simply LIKES Jeff. Unlike Jessie, he’s, you know, A GOOD GUY (albeit a homophobe, but we’ll just pretend to ignore that).
Also, for those who haven’t seen Julie’s Early Show interview, she deserves some very special credit for grilling Jessie about his illicit relationship with Lydia. Without saying “We know you two DID IT,” Julie pretty much needles him about their “platonic” status until he all but waved the white flag. It was fantastic. Oh, and I forgot to mention — I won another t-shirt in Big Brother trivia before the show started. It was awesome. I felt like the smartest person in the whole wide word. I also felt like a dick because Flipit and the cougar next to IndianJones really wanted to be called up, but it was I who got the golden ticket. Oh well. SUCK IT, JERKS!
But anyway, enough about that. Onto the photos!

For those wondering, that’s me in the gray shirt under the halo-esque apparition.

“Ha! Look at the way I’m holding this pool cue. I’m like that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. That’ll be my new nickname. Shotgun Teenage Mutant Ninja Russell the Love Muscle.”

“A girl once told me this shirt looked like orange sherbet. Hey, that’s a good nickname! Shotgun Sorbet Russell the Love Muscle.”

“God, I’m so shredded. And I hear my body type appeals to East Coast presidential historians. That’s hot.”

“I’m just gonna warn you, if the Wizard Power gets used, I’m gonna flip out. And by that, I mean, I’m gonna sit here and nap in my hoodie.”

“Did you know that all clocks have hands but no feet? Are they all born that way?”

“Sometimes I feel like I want to get under a blanket, and sometimes I like to stick half-out. Hey, that should be my nickname: Shotgun Blanket Options Russell the Love Muscle!”

“You wanna get in my face, bro? Because I’ll get in yours. That’s why they call me Shotgun Personal Space Intruder Russell the Love Muscle.”

“I could kiss you right now.”
“Oh yeah, bro? Then why don’t you do it?”
“Fine, I’ll do it.”
“Fine. And I’ll kiss you back. See how you like it then.”
“Fine, bro. There’s a reason they call me Shotgun Man-Kisser Russell the Love Muscle.”
“I bet there is.”

“Bro, if you get any closer, I’m gonna punch you or kick you or both, and believe me, I look forward to it. Gladly. GLADLY.”

“And who the FUCK cares if I still watch old reruns of Falcon Crest? Shut the FUCK up, Jessie!”

Julie: “So Chima, I just want to remind you that the other house guests can’t hear you; so feel free to speak your mind.”
Chima: “Damn right I’ll speak my motherfuckin’ mind, motherfuckin’ Julie Chen. I am the motherfucker H-O-motherfuckin-H, and I can do whatever I want, and all you motherfuckin’ Middle Easterners out there, you’re all motherfuckin’ terrorists, okaaaaay??? F’real!”

“Do you like my hat? It looks hot when I take it to the club. Not that I’ve ever been. At eighteen, the only club I know is math club, which I was in as recently as two months ago when I graduated from high school, on account of me being eighteen. WHICH I AM.”

Jessie: “Is it cool if I nap now? Thanks.”
Natalie: “Hey guess what? I showered today! The first time since high school!”
Jessie: “You haven’t showered in two months?”
“Uh, yeah. Two months…”

“I choose to exercise my power of coop deh tat!”

“BAM! Technotronics!”

“WUUUT??? He’s gotta be kidding — like that time he said there weren’t twenty-five quarters in an hour. Dangit!”

“OMG! I’m so shocked I could just SIT HERE QUIETLY AND SAY NOTHING AND LATER MUMBLE ABOUT THINGS A LITTLE BIT!!!!”

Lydia: “OMG. I can’t believe I’m getting taken off the block!!!”

“UGH. I’m so OVER being off the block.”

“Just call me Shotgun Off The Block With An Unbuttoned Shirt Russell the Love Muscle!”

Upon accidentally feeling a phantom earthquake, Jessie engages in emergency protocol: immediately removing his shirt.

“I just want to say that I respect those of you that respect me, and that when the cards are down, you’ve got the short end of the stick; so kick me in the foot with your hole in the wall mentality that furthermore should be thought of as a sign of respect when it’s really a good play — the best play really — that only someone who moreover with a thought process like mine is a threat, and now is a huger threat but more so I can be a value to your respect or furthermore take the target off your back because as a sports entertainer I am therefore moreover furthermore respectful and less respected to you than to me, which I am, and you know what I’m talking about; so I won’t go on, but needful to say that irregardless you know what I’m talking about, and you know who you are.”

Natalie: “This is awful. I haven’t cried this hard since I graduated from high school EARLIER THIS SUMMER. I’m eighteen.”

“WHATTTUP, peeps!!!! Four feet of muscle fun comin’ at ya!!!!”

“[sniff sniff] With Jessie gone [sniff sniff] who am I gonna blow now??? [sniff sniff]”

“Check it out. I’m gonna be a wrestler.”

“Big effing deal. I can do that too, idiot.”