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Don’t you be starting up with me, Dumb Bitch.

This season of The Hills has come to a close, which means that we’ll not only have no photocaps of the show until fall, but chances are I won’t have any well written missives from my favorite Hills enthusiast, Dumb Bitch. That’s too bad because they’ve almost become as entertaining as the show itself. Well, luckily, I’ve got two emails from her that should keep you all satisfied for the next several months.
Please enjoy…


The first email came last week. It strikes an apologetic tone that is so earnest and borderline sad that for a split second, I felt some sort of sympathy for this girl:

I’m sorry B-side!!! I honestly didn’t mean to be so harsh about The Hills!!! It’s just that I love that show and your recaps so much I just got mad when you stopped recapping the show like you used to!!! I just miss the old way you used to recap!!! I truly wrote all those emails because I was mad and they were for real!!! As for the exclamation and question marks that’s just the way I type!!! I email, im and text that way!!! I didn’t know you posted my previous emails on your blog!!! Now everyone is laughing at me and calling me crazy!!! Well that’s ok!!! I want to apologize to you B-side and everyone who reads and post comments on this site!!! You do a good job and nobody is as funny with their recaps as you B-side!!! I don’t mind if you post this because I want everyone to know how sorry I am!!! I shouldn’t have said all those bad words to you!!! You don’t deserve that and I shouldn’t have talk to you like that!!! I truly am sorry and hope you can forgive me!!! I will never write you another nasty email again!!! Please keep The Hills alive with your recaps!!!

See, in its own crazy way, that email was bizarrely sweet, and in the spirit of reconciliation that we saw between Spencer and Lauren, I thought maybe I too could close this acrimonious chapter between me and Dumb Bitch and move on.
And then she sent this tonight:

IT’S ABOUT TIME!!! The Hills finale was so awesome!!! Some things that bugged me about your recap!!! First of all the wedding was lovely!!! Heidi looked amazing!!! She did have a little too much jewelry on though!!! I would’ve stopped at one necklace (choker) and maybe one or no bracelets!!! Spencer was so handsome!!! I thought he was sincere and the way he handled Holly at the dinner was smart!!! He let her know what was up and made her look and feel stupid and still got his point across!!! His tone was right and everything!!! When things got heated he walked away instead of going off like he would normally do!!! I liked the way he handled the situation!!! Holly is a dumbass, she has no class, she’s ugly and fat!!! Holly is so frumpy looking she doesn’t deserve to even be on The Hills!!! This show is for pretty people not ugly ones!!! I would have beat her ass if she ruined my purse!!! Holly doesn’t know how to act at nice restaurants!!! Who spits their gum out at the table like that, hi-five the waiter, throws food and gets drunk at a function like that!!! Also, who says POCKETBOOK!!! That’s so twenties!!! (Kelly meant the shirt Lauren was wearing was from that era!!!) Sometimes you don’t understand what they mean when they talk about stuff on The Hills!!! Just like the cracker thing!!! Kelly didn’t say Stephanie was eating crackers over the clothes that were in the box!!! What Kelly meant was the way Stephanie folded the clothes and packaged the clothes was wrong!!! It was sloppy!!! Very unprofessional!!! The guy at the dinner who Holly threw the pototo at was their little brother Skye!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! Stephanie should have been Maid Of Honor!!! Sometimes in life just because someone is family doesn’t mean anything!!! Holly did a horrible job as witnessed by AMERICA!!! Heidi didn’t “un maid-of-honor” Holly at the nail salon!!! PAY ATTENTION!!! Holly was simply the WORST!!! She just doesn’t fit in!!! Lauren is boring I’m glad she is gone!!! Kristin is so much better!!! Everybody was on her shit at the wedding trying to get on her good side!!! It’s just so many angles they can work with Kristin being on the show!!! My only advice to you is to pay more attention to the episodes, recap like you used to and post them up faster!!! The Hills came on Sunday and it’s Thursday!!! REALLY COME ON!!! The Hills should be your first priority!!! Same day/next day post at least!!! You didn’t talk about how Brody apologized to Stephanie at the BBQ!!! It was Frankie that started up the is Lauren coming drama at the church!!! He said he sent Lauren a text and that’s when Lo started up!!! When Lo said ” Third time’s a charm” that was after they we’re married and Lauren said “Fingers crossed”!!! I just feel like you don’t take this seriously!!! I mean this is your job!!! You have to provide us with recaps!!! Maybe I should teach you!!! You could stand to learn a thing or two from me!!! There is always next season!!! Toodles!!!

So much for that apology. Dumb Bitch, you are dumb and a bitch and also very stupid and crazy. Maybe I should call you Crazy Stupid Dumb Bitch. Too wordy? I don’t know. But please know that your yammering is endlessly entertaining to all of us, and yes, we’re laughing AT you, not WITH you, mostly because you are completely delusional and idiotic to think a) this is my job and b) that I should ever, ever take The Hills seriously.
Toodles!

21 replies on “And Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Dumb Bitch Pièce De Résistance”

  1. Wow. Serious crazy. Although the triple caps as punctuation are kinda growing on me!!! Thanks for the recap, B-side!!! I know you have a life outside of this blog!!! And that you also have a life outside of recapping the Hills!!! Which is a show that’s gone steadily downhill!!! And Heidi’s stupid swan princess wedding dress and tacky jewelry sucked!!! And so does her creepy fleshbeard-drug-addict- famewhore-douchebag fake husband!!!
    ZOMG!!! How can you not take this seriously!!!
    (Ow, not typing question marks on that last one hurt. This hurts my brain. Must stop now.)

  2. LOL wow this bitch is CRAZY. or it must be some 13 year old!!! i thought maybe she was pulling your leg or it was speidi, but who would take the time to write that entire second e-mail like that to play a joke on someone? if it is speidi they are more desperate than ever before.

  3. This person is really scarey. Why would anyone use that many exclamation points. It has to be a joke.

  4. You should probably step up your recaps then. I wouldn’t want you to fear for your life. The bitch seems serious!
    Its really funny that she thinks writing Hills recaps is your job. Hey stupid bitch…here’s a novel idea. Start your OWN blog and write your OWN recaps. Geez.

  6. Oh my, she is Kathy-Bates-#1-fan crazy. Please don’t take any drives into the mountains by yourself B-Side. I think she’d like to hobble you & force you to write Hills recaps. !!!

  7. ok. she is right in 1 thing…Now you must post something everyday so that we all know that you are ok and that she hasn’t broken into your apartment and boiled your basil plant.
    !!!!

  8. “Now everyone is laughing at me and calling me crazy!!! Well that’s ok!!! I want to apologize to you B-side and everyone who reads and post comments on this site!!!”
    Still laughing & calling you crazy – but thanks for the OK.
    Apology not accepted because I don’t believe crazy bitches can be sincere – but thanks for the inclusion.
    Why do crazy people always think it’s their job to tell other people what they should be doing?!
    hb

  9. B-Side, all along I’ve though that this was one of your friends effing with you. I just didn’t believe there was someone out there who was so deluded and psychotic. I stand corrected.
    You killed Misery.

  10. Love, love, love the “Misery” references…they cracked me up.
    But seriously, Speidi actually have fans? I’m disturbed by that.

  12. The exclamation points just make me angry at this point. To abuse them so thoroughly and yet have no regard for anything else. Has she ever even heard of a comma?
    Whoever you are, and I assume that you are reading this…You should be ashamed of yourself. B does not write this blog for you, and he sure as shit doesn’t write only to recap the Hills. Please do everyone a favor and shut the fuck up.

  13. you doctored those exclamation points right?!!! As they say: using exclamation points is like laughing at your own jokes. you are right, she is dumb…and quite possibly a b*tch. !!!.
    -your faithful twitter follower

  14. I already thought she was delusional, but when she said Spencer Pratt was handsome, that totally proved the case for me.

  16. I kinda got stuck at the “doesn’t even deserve to be on The Hills” part. Who deserves it? Well………
    I do think a Restraining Order is in your future.

  17. oh my goodness that was so insanely funny i don’t know if i can concentrate on work for the rest of the day. Also, if Crazy Stupid Dumb Bitch is CONSTANTLY looking at your blog to see if you’ve posted your Hills recap, how did she NOT know you were blogging about her? aside from the fact that she’s crazy, dumb and stupid, that is.

  18. All I could think of is the Seinfeld episode where Elaine broke up with her boyfriend because he failed to use an exclamation point on a phone message from a friend calling to say she had a baby!!!
    Clearly(!!!) your daily/weekly schedule should consist of
    Monday…9am Start Hills recap — 6pm End Hills recap
    Tues…9am Start Hills recap — 6pm End Hills recap
    Wed…9am Start Hills recap — 6pm End Hills recap
    Thurs…9am Start Hills recap — 6pm End Hills recap
    Fri…9am Start Hills recap — 6pm End Hills recap
    …and repeat.

  20. I think you should let her(him?) write a few recaps next season; give DB the rope.
    Think about it; your blog would hit 1000+ comments of LB seasons past in no time! ( oops, I mean..in no time !!!)
    ‘Course all the comments would be in the “you crazy dumb bitch…” vein, but it might be fun

  21. She’s got to be a kid…don’t be too harsh B. The give away is the !!! and that people she knows are making fun of her…
    Unless it’s Spencer, he is totally 3 years old.

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