HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Tension Is Mounting…

I’m proud to report that The Real Housewives of New Jersey is starting to heat up a little. The first two episodes had been entertaining, but coming off the heels of a tumultuous RHONYC season, not to mention a spectacular two hour reunion imbroglio, it was hard to truly embrace these Jersey divas. Now, though, we’re three shows deeps, and we’re starting to get a sense of the characters. Caroline has emerged as my hands-down favorite housewife, with her sister Dina not far behind. Jacqueline is alright — a bit flaccid — but enjoyable for all the muck she somehow stirs up while simultaneously abdicating herself from any responsibility, and Teresa is sweet but horrendously tacky, offering up something a bit more appalling each week. Then we have Danielle, our resident lightning rod of controversy. She’s absolutely crazy in the most fantastic way. Not only does her face look like it’s being sucked into a vacuum tube, but she’s prone to histrionic caucuses of her friends to discuss generally inane things. Case in point: when she dramatically arrived at Jacqueline’s house to discuss an impending breakup with her twenty-six year old boy toy. Never mind that she TOTALLY RUINED THE PLAYDATE (that bitch!), but she clearly only wanted to relish in her own drama, much to the dismay of Jacqueline and Teresa. When the two women offered any advice, Danielle brushed it off with an angry and sarcastic “Thank you! Thank you!” It didn’t really make much sense, but I loved the awfulness of it nonetheless.

What confused me most about the situation, however, was that just a few scenes prior, Danielle had revealed that she had wanted to break up with her boytoy at the dinner table during a triple-date with Teresa and Jacqueline but refrained from doing so out of respect for the ladies. This then begs the question: “If you had no qualms about doing it then in what would have been a totally awkward and strange environment, why do you now need the advice and support of these women several days later when faced with the same task?” Oh, I know the answer: because she’s CRAZY. And maybe a stripper. And maybe the scion of a drug cartel. (Must seek out a copy of Cop Without A Badge — the alleged tell-all that besmirches Danielle’s reputation).
When Dani wasn’t being ridiculous about her man, she was getting into it with her bestest frenemy, Dina. You see, Danielle had hosted a Botox / collagen / awfulness party at her house in the hopes of endearing herself to the rest of the gang (a.k.a. Caroline and Dina), and while at first, everything seemed great, things quickly went sour in the most passive-aggressive of ways. It started when the doctor began injecting Danielle’s face with all sorts of preservatives, perhaps to aid her on her quest to more accurately resemble Woody Woodpecker (or at least the spies of Spy vs. Spy). With various needles and long objects in her mouth, Danielle was unable to defend herself against the onslaught of subtle digs and passive-aggressive jokes made by Dina at her expense, which to be fair were kind of / totally bitchy (but also very funny). Anyway, the war between these two bitches was reignited, and a few days later, when Danielle saw Jacqueline, she announced that she wasn’t going to talk shit, but for the record, she did find Dina to be the most horrible, annoying, disgusting, “condinscending,” and pitiful excuse for a human being EVER. I’m surprised she didn’t add, “So, you know, she can just DIE.”
I’m sure if Caroline had overheard that, she would have leaned over and done her classic “Let me tell you a something about my family!” line. Of course, I imagine her doing that wherever she goes. “LET ME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY: we’ll have two Big Macs, a Coke, a Sprite, and three large fries. Thanks!” Nevertheless, Caroline is certainly the best of the bunch. I love that she doesn’t do any cosmetic surgery or Botox, and I love that she gets pissed about spoiled children, and I love that she has career aspirations for her kids. Then again, Teresa has career aspirations for her kids too, but in a less “I want the best for them” kind of way and in a more “LIVE MY UNREALIZED DREAMS!” Her poor daughter has been foisted into the world of modeling, and while Gia is a cute kid, am I the only one who doesn’t think she’s particularly, uh, model-worthy? (I hope this doesn’t result in some goon bashing in my kneecaps.) I’m just saying that she looks like any other seven-year old girl. Nevertheless, she somehow snagged representation at Wilhelmina — an agency that has never shied away from reality TV cameras (case in point: The Agency, a VH1 show based ON Wilhelmina). I suppose we’ll see what gigs are in store for young Gia.
Anyway, onto the photos!

“Wow. What a mess. Like THAT BITCH Danielle.”

Teresa: “I’m sorry. I can’t just sit here in your non-French Chateau style house and act like I’m cool with it.”

Danielle: “Here’s what I’m thinking. We go back into the restaurant, I stick my pussy in his face, and then I say ‘You want the peach? YOU AIN’T GOT THE FUCKIN’ PEACH!!!”
Jacqueline: “Or… we could just order appetizers.”

Jacqueline: “Just stop giving him blowjobs!”
Danielle: “Yeah, like that’s going to happen. Thanks. Great advice. Thanks.”

“Look at that whore.”
“Bitch.”
“Floozy.”
“Non-marble-floor homeowner.”

“Mother, I’d like to take this moment to announce my intention to run away from home.”

“Hey Mom, I’ve been doing some reading, and apparently there’s this thing called Child Labor Laws. Just thought you should know about them…”

“LET ME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT PUBIC HAIR: it’s as thick as thieves!”

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit confused. I’ve been told that Wilhelmina is the top modeling agency in Manhattan, and yet you do not have a single trace of marble or onyx in these offices. Can you clarify?”

“Aren’t I precious? Now where the HELL is my juice box!”