BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Will Aaryn’s Gang Finally Eat (Jim) Crow?

Did you ever see Carrie and wonder what sort of girl in real life would actually spill pig’s blood on an outsider? Probably not. But then comes Big Brother 15 with its group of racist dolts who demonstrate that yes, people are capable of spilling pig’s blood on sweet, telekinetic girls. Enter Aaryn, Jeremy, Kaitlin, and GinaMarie (affectionately known as The Klan online), who spent last night’s show bullying Jessie, flipping Candice’s bed, making racist remarks, and generally acting like the worst John Hughes villains of all time. This is a vile alliance, but the production and the other cast members are firmly against them, and that makes this show oddly exhilarating. Is there nothing better than watching a bunch of ignorant twits getting a royal smackdown so aggressively by CBS? I don’t think so.

Some people think Big Brother should be boycotted or cast members expelled, but I actually think this is what people like to call a “teachable” moment. After all, we’ve seen racism before, especially this summer (hello, Paula Deen, Trayvon Martin), but candidly watching Howard and Candice attempting to grapple with it as it’s happening is particularly compelling and heartbreaking. As a white guy, I found it to be an interesting glimpse into an experience that unfortunately many people across this country deal with on a daily basis, most likely in workplaces. Say what you will about Big Brother being summer trash, but I think portraying that side of this whole debacle is important and educational.

Okay, that was my little soapbox moment. Off to the photocap!

Translation: “Your brain is about to melt. Viewer discretion is advised.”

GinaMarie accepts her new title of Miss Staten Island Dump 2013.

“And now I shall celebrate by miming what it’s like to go down a water slide.”

“I picked the wrong day to pass a kidney stone.”

“GinaMarie, get out of that bathroom. It’s not for whites.”

“Listen to me: suck it up, raise your chin, and stop crying like an illegal who didn’t sell all his oranges on the curb.”

“I want you all to know that I’m awful too.”

“You guys, I found a tissue that Nick once jerked off into. Anyone want to hold it and share your memories?”

“ALL OF YOUS IN THE BACK, I BET YOU THINK YOU’RE ALL REAL… real…”
Aaryn: “Smart.”
“SMURFS!”
“No, smart.”
“SNARF! YOU ALL THINK YOU’RE SNARF FROM LION CATS!”
“Thundercats.”
“YOUS ALL THINK YOU’RE THUNDER CLOUDS!”
“Just forget it.”
“NOW FORGET IT!!”

“GUESS WHAT? ALL YOUS THINK YOUS IS… is…”
Aaryn: “Protected.”
“DETECTED. YEAH, YOUS ALL THINK YOU’RE DETECTIVES.”
“Protected. Not detectives.”
“KNOT DETECTIVES. YOU GO LOOKING FOR KNOTS IN ROPES. WELL I GOTTA ROPE FOR YOU, AND IT LOOKS LIKE… like…”
“Oh my god.”
“LIKE GOD. MY ROPE LOOKS LIKE JESUS CHRIST. I HAVE A JESUS ROPE.”
“Please stop.”
“A POLICE STOP! YEAH, THERE’S GONNA BE A POLICE STOP. SO DON’T DRINK AND… and…”
“Drive.”
“DIVE. DON’T DRINK AND DIVE, OR ELSE ALL YOUS GONNA DROWN. Yeah.”

“I love idiots.”

“I’m really nice, and everyone likes me, and I could go really far in this game. That’s why I’m going to do something TOTALLY STUPID TO RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ME.”

“An Asian wins Head of Household? THANKS OBAMA.”

“Elissa, great job. I’m flabbergasted by your gameplay. Hopefully this week you’ll be kind to your ol’ pal Jeremy, or as I’m known in Cherokee, Buffalo Who Kisses The Ass of Many Other Buffalo.”

“These people are so stupid. They’re just going to vote out all the strong players. Don’t they realize the natural order is that the strong people vote out the weak? And by strong I mean white, and by weak I mean everyone else.”

“Well of course Helen won HOH. You know how Asians are with numbers. It’s always square root this, ching chong that. UGH.”

“Little known fact: the 😐 emoticon was based on my face.'”

“You guys, Nick left behind his generic blue hat that he bought at the 99 cent store! IT’S SO SPECIAL.”

“I never got to kiss Nick or nothin’. Now I’lls never getta live up in Park Avenues and such. Back to blowin’ Giancarlo behind the Sbarros dumpster.”

“This was Nick’s lucky tank top. It was so special to him in so many ways. Now excuse me while I blow my SNOT into it.”

“I was *this* close to making Nick remember my name. Man, what a special bond.”

“I can’t help but feel like this yogurt has more redeeming qualities than me.”

“You guys, how HOT is Hitler?”

Kaitlin: “You guys, I feel like we’re back in high school, but on the other side. You know, with all those losers.”
Jeremy: “Pssh, I know. Such losers… Hey, so have I talked about my job as a boat shop associate?”

“You guys have done nothing but treat me badly, which is shocking since I’m the HOTTEST ONE HERE.”

Aaryn: “I’m doing something that should have been done to Rosa Parks A LONG TIME AGO.”

“Omg, you flipped a mattress over.”
“That is, like, SO funny.”
“Like, you are going to be the star of the show.”
“America will love you.”
“You guys, we are SO hilarious.”
“I mean, it’s a MATTRESS, but it’s FLIPPED OVER. YOU HAVE TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT!!!”
“YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!!!!!”

“Hey Candice, you gonna get black now? You gonna get all Michelle Obama on me?”
Candice: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You gonna get all Oprah Winfrey? You gonna get all Serena Williams?”
“You’re actually comparing me to some very impressive women.”
“You gonna get all The-Grandma-From-Family-Matters? You gonna get all The-Snackwells-Lady?”
“Okay, now you’re just running out of black people you know about.”
“You gonna get all flowers-in-a-vase? You gonna get all contacts-solution?”
“Aaryn, you’re just listing things on the dresser behind you.”

GinaMarie: “Bring out the black, bitch!”
Candice: “You’re so rude.”
“No, I’m elegant: I’m a pageant coordinator!”
“Well, I was Miss Louisiana!”
“And I was Miss Louisiana Sausage Hut, which is the most respected fast-casual restaurant in Expressway Plaza. ‘Nuff said.”

Howie: “You have to rise above it. Please. For me.”
Candice: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you please just tell me what the inflight movie is?”

Meep.

“Aaryn, you’re a racist.”

“I have not said one racist thing, and I’m sorry if the coloreds don’t have a good sense of humor.”

“Wait… is this Candid Camera? Because I simply do not believe you could be this big of an idiot without being scripted.”

Aaryn: “Hey Candice. I just want to apologize for making jokes that your genetically smaller brain couldn’t understand. I’m really not racist.”

Aaryn’s biggest nightmare comes true: getting shot in the face with a black man’s milk.

“Did I vote out Elissa? Um… whatnow in the who-what?”

“Okay, so I lied about voting out Elissa, but that’s it.”
Helen: “What about The Moving Company?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“You were in it.”
“Okay. So I lied about that too. But nothing else.”
“So you are an astronaut.
“Absolutely.”
“Do you know what NASA stands for?”
“Okay, I’m not an astronaut. I lied about three things.”
“And what about your x-ray vision?”
“Okay, so I lied about a fourth thing.”
“Your castle on Mars?”
“Okay, five things.”
“Your twelve inch penis.”
“Like I said, only five things. HEYOOO HIGH-FIVE HELEN.”
“Howard.”
“Six things.”

“I have nominated Aaryn and Kaitlin because they are the stupidest people I have ever encountered.”

“Whatever. Since when does Julie Chen get to nominate people?”

“Yeah, why is Lucy Liu even talking?”

“Die.”

What did you think about the episode? Did Helen make the right choice? And for some reason, I feel compelled to emphasize that this post is making fun of the utter stupidity and racist words that are coming from these contestants’ mouths. These are all jokes at the dumb white people’s expense. (I say this because I know I’ll get at least one comment accusing me of being racist — although, I don’t want to be all AARYN about it; so if you are offended, please let me know).

ALSO — I’ve been nominated by LA Weekly for Best TV Blog (yay!!). Please help me win by voting for me! It takes, like, 10 seconds – no joke; so do it now before polls close on Thursday! Thank you!

http://polls.laweekly.com/polls/law/webawardsfinalists2013/